Chapter 32

First taste

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

1.

'Mer? Coming?' Izzy inquired. She was driving them this time and they were going to be late.

She didn't have time to contemplate and got in the car, for once greatful for being known as really NOT a morning person so she wouldn't have to pretent. Secrets however, they always had a way of finding their way back to a person. To her surprise, the first half of the day was actually good. She enjoyed the routine way she could do rounds. There was order in which things were done and that felt soothing. Even Ben couldn't take away from that. Liam... her whole body was tense with knots. As an intern, they had to all be in the room for rounds and she couldn't say anything yet. So she concentrate on diagnosis, symptoms, people's faces, likes and dislikes, categorising them in a neat mnemonic in her head to remember everyone. She was even able to answer a few question the attending asked them, and she was proud.

Then she was assigned to the pit.

None of them wanted to be in the pit. Before. Being in the pit meant less likeliness to be assigned to scrub in. But ultimately, she'd stopped looking for surgeries ever since Liam had come. In itself, this revelation scared her so much she couldn't even approach it. Even only in her head for herself. It came with other questions. Do I still want to be a surgeon? She had studied for this for 5 years, and she had known a lot before she started because of her mom. To think that all her life she had studied hard for something she may no longer want to do was impossible to think about. But right now, surgeries felt like so much pressure, especially with monitoring Ben and Liam around the hospital. And she just couldn't do it. So being in the pit? Right in the middle of so much to do, and with constant inflow of people, situations and charts... it was sort of... calming. The chaos and necessity to constantly be reactive to the situation was preferable to having to think about things and the pressure to succeed and clamped in her chest otherwise. Good. She could do the pit. It would be an easy day.

Then a drunk girl and a bunch of guys came in. They had come straight out of a high school party, drunk and possibly high.

The girl had a thick red hair falling in big curls down her back and she seemed no more than 14 or 15. She was dressed in a tight purple dress with open shoulders that ended halfway down to her knees. A bit too short, thought Meredith, although she'd worn shorter at that age. All the boys seemed to have noticed too. Mer fixed a few bruises on the boys(also 15 year olds) and she closed the curtain to help the girl, who had a sprained wrist from trying to jump from the roof for some dare. She was still giggling and flirting with male nurses- some female as well. Meredith doubted she'd feel any of it until the following morning. Unease was clamping n her chest.

'You're judging me.' observed the girl unconcerned. The thought was amusing to her.

'No.' Calmy stated Mer. Frankly, she had done worse at that age. When being around guys still seemed all fun and games. When it still felt safe to do so. 'It's just that you are the only girl.'- and you're drunk and- but she bit back saying that.

'So?'

'Didn't any of your girlfriends want to come to your party? it's just a little... unusual'

' They were. They left earlier and I wanted to continue partying. How is that your business?'

'It's not. But if you wanted me to call someone for you-'

'Why? The night isn't over-'

'Just- maybe it's not wise staying alone with all those drunk-'

'They are my friends! Why do you have a problem with me? If I wanted to sleep with all of them that would be my business.'

What about if you didn't and they did? But she couldn't say it. What could she say. 'You are a minor and you've been drinking-'

'So what? You'll call my parents? You could, but I'll be here before they arrive. I'm not oblidged to listen to some frigit doctor that only sleeps with her books probably. I could go have a threesome and it still won't be your business. It's not your job to be sli*t-shaming me for just HANGING out with guys'

'I didn't-'

'Yeah, you did.' The red-head was crossing her arms in front of her chest in frustration. Meredith was getting a headache.

'I am just trying to keep you from getting in an unsafe situation-'

'They are all my friends, and I wasn't looking for your opinion.'

She send the girl for a wrist x-ray, in hopes she may sober up a bit. Even if her fears were unfounded, she didn't want her to do something that she may regret in the morning. Plus she was still a minor. Meredith felt a bit like a b***h for doing so, but she was okay with that if it was going to keep the girl safe. She called Luna's parents, and then the boys, just mentioning the drinking, and announced it loud enough for the boys to start sobering up. She didn't want to discipline anyone and the authority doctors usually had, didn't come easily to her. At this moment, she only cared about the girl's safety. She'd already jumped from a roof, just 2 storie, but the fact that she injured only her wrist was already a miracle, and Meredith didn't really trust what she would do next.

2.

She couldn't stop thinking about the teenager calling her frigid. It was an accident really, something stupid, silly, that a drinken teenager had tried to use to manipulate her actions. But it still stung. Truth was, if she wasn't so busy being afraid all the time, all she wanted was her and Derek- but then, it felt too messy, too tainted after everything lately. He'd never be able to look at her like he did at first, like he wanted to take all of her in one look, like she was wearing absolutely nothing. Like she was a goddess. That wasn't a good thought. She wanted- but it was messy, everything had gotten way too da*n messy and it was all her fault.

She was still thinking that when they were in the elevator on their way to different floors. They stood at the back behind the rest of the people rushing somewhere.

Shepherd's hand brushed against hers and simply didn't move.

He wasn't holding her hand, he wasn't saying anything. But their hands were touching and Meredith swallowed, her cheeks blushing. When he was exiting the elevator, she could swear he was smiling. For a few seconds, she was able to forget the teenager, Ben, and Liam and everyone else. It was a lovely feeling and it inspired her to try to do something later. Something nice, to show him she was thinking about him too. Then she sat down for lunch with all her friends on the balcony. Ben also sat with them this time. She- in fact, all her friends were about to do the same- she wanted to tell him it's not his place. But he made a point that they were working together.

He was right, too, which was the most infuriating part of this.

She wasn't sure if she'd be able to do anything about Liam anyway, but Ben- technically Ben hadn't done anything horrible in the hospital, or anything illegal when they were together. Being horrible and bullying her, possibly, but nothing she could actually prove after she was left without many friends in the aftermath. He was a horrible person, possibly, but she might have to work with horrible people. Maybe this was practice. Besides at this particular moment, it was keeping Alex from asking her about the previous day.

She told her friends about the girl, and she could see they seemed in agreement. Ben, did not.

'Maybe she had a point.'

"What?"

"It wasn't your job to judge what she wants to do, just to get her healthy."

"I was trying to keep her safe.' hissed Meredith vaguely in his direction, while digging in her salaf. 'But you wouldn't understand anything about that, would you?'

Everyone else was quiet now. They knew she'd want to have this conversation on her own. Noone was leaving though. Half out of concern, and half-pure curiousity.

'It doesn't sound like she wanted your help.' Ben insisted and Meredith locked her eyes on him, incrediluous. She was starting to forget about being civil, professional, grown up...

'Yeah well, maybe she didn't know she needed it. Unlike you I don't leave people in dangerous situations to just figure it out.'

'If you want to call cheating dangerous.' She examined his face, but didn't see a shadow of doubt on it. The worst part of it was, after EVERYTHING, he still believed that it had been her choice. It was maddening. and there was still a part of her that just wanted to see him recognize what his lack of trust had did to her self-esteem and ability to trust. To everything about who she had been after her boyfriend refused to believe what had happened and she tried to bury it. 'But hey, at least that girl seems to have more exciting sex life than yours around here.'

'You're an ass**le. And she's a f**ing child, you d**k.'

She got off the table without being able to see how her friends would react. It was like her world was closing into a very small focus when she was around one of them. And the worst of it was, in a strange way, Ben was sort of right. Maybe that girl was safe and doing things she enjoyed when she wasn't drunk. She was still young and Meredith didn't have to approve. She still stood behind her actions earlier. but Ben was right without knowing it. It was possible that this young girl had a far more entertaining sex life that she did. Maybe not. But just once, once, Meredith wanted to not be the girl being scared of what happened between people in bed. Just once she wanted to be able to just be an anonymous woman that someone like Derek found attractive and to just be able to do ALL the things she can think of in bed with him. And in other locations. To just be young and careless and excited without being afraid.

3.

She didn't want to think about it too much, but she couldn't stop. All of them had moved on and grew up. Even Ben. She'd seen him leave the hospital with one of the nurses. Liam... Liam she couldn't think about yet so she just pushed into some really, really dark corner of her mind. When she closed the door of the on-call room, Derek was just getting up. There were shadows under his eyes, but his chin was unshaven and his thick hair was falling in messy waves and he was still insanely attractive when he locked his eyes on her.

'Honey, what-'

She was exhausted of thinking, so she just inched closer, and with his confused agreement, she put each of her knees around his legs until she was sitting in his lap, with her hands around his neck for support. His hands were gently playing around her waist.

'What are you doing?'

'Don't you like it?' He gave her a confused kiss at the edge of her neck, breathing in her perfume. His heart was speeding and he was trying to remember all the arguments against this. Her skin was soft and hot under his fingers, and her hips were closing him in a very pleasant warm circle, and he just wanted to run his fingers in the sensitive parts under her scrubs and to hear her excited to explore things with him the way she had been before that guy came back into her life. She'd been scared even before, but not the way she'd been lately, and now he was cautious.

'You know there is no world in which I don't like this, hun...' His voice came out raspier than he intended. But she was all warm and moving over him and his body was taking notice. He knew. And he could see in her eyes she felt him harden too. He could hear her heart speeding. He kept his hands loose around her waist, enough so she doesn't fall back, but loose enough to allow her breathing room. 'Meredith, I don't want to scare you. Tell me what you want. Tell me when to stop.'

'O-okay.' There was no version of this where she wasn't scared, he knew that. But he also wanted her to be sure. They had other things to talk about too, but at this moment, he could only think about how close she was to him, almost flush with his body. I mean, the woman was sitting on his- okay, do NOT go there, be calm, let her tell you- Jesus. She was adjusting her weight over him and unintentionally, the rubbing off her scrubs against his reminded him just how thin the damn fabric was. She was going to be the death of him, surely.

'Just so you know, our first time won't be in an on-call room. This is just- what is this?' His voice was thick with feelings and she loved realizing that the effect she had on him was still there. She was exhausted emotionally of the last weeks, she was tired of being afraid. She just wanted him to want her, she just wanted to break the walls she'd closed herself into 5 years ago. She just wanted them to be a man and a woman that want each other, and nothing more. ' Honey, you have to tell me what you want-'

She was biting her lips in contemplation, very close to his face, and he just wanted to nib at them, to taste her, to tease out of her the same warmth she was waking up in him. His scrubs felt uncomfortably tight.

'What do you want?' His voice was deeper, sweeter, his eyes locked on her.

'I just want you to want me.' Mean, in any other context, but with Meredith, he understood.

'I don't think that can ever be an issue, love.' He laughed with a hoarse voice that she cherished. His arms were enveloping her gently behind her back, one hand carefully caressing the line of her neck. Nothing forceful, nothing harsh, but the warmth had started building in her too. Feeling him hard under her was both exciting and unsettling to her, sensitive even with all the fabric between them. She trusted him. She didn't trust her own body right now. She tried saying something but swallowed. His body was emitting so much heat that she was just having a hard time keeping her mind straight. She lowered her lips over his. Shaking her golden curls back away from their faces. Her lips carefully fit over his, tasted, nibbled over his and his fingers tightened on her back. Electricity was building within her body in tightly-wound coals, her stomach stuck in a hot tight ball of nerves. What was that? She'd never felt like this. She wasn't sure if it was more hot or unsettling, but it brought a strange sense of urgency and she found her own fingers figging into his skin, sliding under the fabric of the top of his scrubs, exploring his back while her lips explored his. He gave out a low moan, close to a growl and the sound was doing something amazing to her. Suddenly the whole world had faded and all she could think about was wanting to hear that sound replicated, to feel him...

Her fingers impatiently helped him get rid of the top of his scrubs, forgetting that she didn't know what to do or how. The room felt way too small but she relished that. Her fingers traced his biceps, giving him little kisses, and her fingers slid in his until they interlocked. Another moan escaped and he buried his face in kissing her neck until it coaxed a sound out of her as well. She was lost and impatient and she let go of him, to get rid of the top of her own scrubs and she threw them carelessly aside. His mouth explored her neck and all the way down to the line of her bra in tiny kisses, and she gave out a sweet, frustrated sound. And then they tilted back and she was over him and they were lying in the bunk bed, his hands embracing her. She rubbed over his body, kissing him hungrily. He squeezed her suptle skin in response, his hands clasping around her hips.

He stopped kissing her and she focused her darkened eyes over his, her cheeks flush from desire and embarrassement. She was trying to be calm, but her voice was coming out in small little heaves. Trying to get her mind together felt impossible.

'Why did you stop?" Her voice came out as a whisper and a small shudder went through her body, suddenly realizing the room was actually chilly.

'Do you want this?'

'Mhm.' She couldn't make out a sentence, her mind a mess with desire and fear.

'We aren't doing this here. This is just... a warmup, you know that, right?'

'Mhm' Suddenly she seemed young and even less experienced, her face red above him. Her chest was heaving up and down in a manner that he found really heartwarming. He had wondered before how he would know she was really ready, but now he felt it. In the way she spoke, the way she moved, the way she made pauses to breathe between words. But it wasn't the place, and he had to do this the right way.

'Mer. You have to say it.'

'Touch me-e.' It came out with a small moan at the end and he focused his effort on not moving too fast. He'd give anything to just help her get rid of the rest of those clothes and bury himself in her silkness until- but that would come later. Right now, he had to be gentle. Slowly, he twisted their bodies around until he was over her, resting his weight on his forearms around her body. His body was over hers, but he was very careful not to press, even as she impatiently locked her fingers on his hips and sliding back over his- Jesus, that woman was going to drive him insane.

He gently lowered himself on her body, his lips crashing over hers.

'D-erek.' She cried out in exasperation.

'You're okay.' He whispered in her ear as the confusion rose through her. Her whole body felt prickly and sensitive and awake.

'W-what? Derek, just tt-touch-'

His fingers slowly played at the edge of her scrubs, pulling them down and exposing her black lacy bikini. She held her breath in fascination as he ran his hand her silky hips, and then on the inside of her leg and then softly teasing above the lace in the middle. Her fingers grasped at the sheets for balance as if she could somehow fall out of the bed. She didn't move her gaze from his, but she gave out a small breath, her chest rising. She nodded, knowing he was still seeking approval. His fingers slid under the lace in her depths. She was silky and warm and wet around his fingers, and her body arched to cope with the strange feeling. Part of her wanted him deeper, wanted all of him buried in her and- and then a part of her just couldn't breathe, her muscles tightly clasping against his fingers. Her face flushed in embarrassement, her chest heaving in an effort to control herself.

He didn't move, in or out, trying to give her a moment to adjust. Her heart was racing. He gently kissed her forehead, which was suddenly sweaty, and whispered. 'You're okay. You say stop we stop.'

She swallowed, repeating the sentence back within herself. I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm- She slowly allowed her muscles to release, and he slid gently back and forth within her, building the intensity until that warmth started building again. She was shaking now without realizing, her back arched, her chest flush with his. His eyes never left hers and there was something deliciously maddening about that. Her heart was speeding up in the most insane, best way possible. It felt like something was building up within her, as he moved his hand faster. But it was as if there was some line within herself she was afraid to cross. Her hips couldn't stop shaking. He was whispering quietly in her hair the whole time and it was helping, but when the desire started to reach it's peak something cold in her awoke.

Her hand clasped over his forearms to stop him, and he immediately stilled. 'Meredith?'

She was looking away in embarrassement. Her voice betrayed her, but her hand held his in quiet tention, and he could feel her fingers tremble. He took a deep breath. 'Look at me.' He'd show no hesitation, no regret, nothing foreceful. 'Mer?'

She looked with her eyes big like a deer in headlights, still dark with desire, her irises wild with the sudden fear. 'Eyes on me, honey, eyes on me. You have to relax, so I can move my fingers out, ok? You're okay. We're okay. Yes?'

'Mhm.' She gave out a small shaky sound, just now realising her muscles had tensed around him again, holding him in a tight clasp between her hips. She breathed in deeply, shaking as she pushed her muscles to relax. He immediately moved his hand out of her, and she felt both relieved and horribly regretful. She wasn't able to express any of that, all the words stuck in her throat.

'Are you ok, my love?' He caressed her hair gently and she felt extremely, impossibly sensitive. ' Was this okay? Do you want to continue this after work, or do you want to take a moment?'

She forced her dry throat to move. 'Continue.'

'Okay.' He kissed her forehead to soothe her, and slid next to her in the bed, wrapping her in a calm, secure hug. She was dying to ask him if he was disappointed, but couldn't, still in internal fight between whatever was awaikening in her body and the memories pushing at the back of her mind. There were pieces - huge gaps- in her memory of that night and she relished the feeling. Except when she was this vulnerable, except when she allowed herself to want, to seek, to explore- and her body brought back the pieces of what she buried like a warning. Relishing in the good part of this moment they just had, she pushed the memories back, refusing to let it taint the sweetness of letting him touch her finally. Determined to explore more of THIS, she snuggled in his warmth, pushing the shadows away.