Chapter One

Mayhem at the McCallister's

Author's Note: Hello everyone. I am taking an extended hiatus from my Harry Potter Without Harry Potter stories. I wanted to do more than simply copy the stories but with Harry removed. I know there are many people who felt the same, so I decided to quit for a while. I thought I would try my hand at the same formula, but for a film. I also believe working with a visual medium would allow me to provide my own interpretation to what is happening on screen. I have seen other authors apply this same formula for film fanfics, so I thought I would give it a go. Since we are approaching the Holiday season, I thought I would remove Kevin from Home Alone and replace him with a mischievous ghost that defends the house from the Wet Bandits. I know I am still closely following the story here, but I tried to be somewhat creative in a few places, the best example being the Kevin-Ghost idea. For those who still think my story is too derivative, I do have an original story I plan to get to once I wrap this up. Until then, Merry Early Christmas you filthy animals, and a Happy New Year!

Late December 1990, 671 Lincoln Boulevard, Winnetka, Illinois.

Life at the McCallister's was normally hectic. Considering that husband and wife Peter and Kate had four children, keeping everything in order was a difficult task at the best of times. However, on this occasion, order was practically nonexistent inside the two floor brick mansion in suburban Chicagoland. The McCallister's were preparing to spend Christmas in Paris, where Peter's brother Rob was living for business reasons. Rob not only invited the Chicago-based side of the family, but the ENTIRE McCallister clan to Paris. This meant the house had visitors from out of state: Peter and Rob's cantankerous, greedy older brother Frank, his wife Leslie, and their four children plus a few holdover children from Rob.

With an arrangement like this, the house was pure pandemonium. The children were running around the house in a desperate attempt to prepare for the coming trip. Aside from the typical preparation procedures, many of the children were simply goofing off and trying to play with their cousins. Jeff and Fuller, the youngest children of Peter's and Frank's respectively, were briefly sword-fighting up and down the stairs, their over-stressed relatives shooting dirty looks as they passed. Jeff even gave a hearty cry: "Take all the Wenches!"

Everyone was in such as rush to get ready amidst the chaos that they did not notice the police officer who was standing in the foyer, trying to rope down any passing McCallisters, but to no avail: "Excuse me? ... Young lady?... Excuse me, kids..." and so on.

Meanwhile, Peter and Kate were in the master bedroom packing. Kate was in the bedroom proper laying out various items to pack on the bed, such as folded clothing and a few books with information about Paris, such as the favored tourist spots for the Holidays. Peter was in the adjacent bathroom gathering the various utensils to bring, such as toothbrushes and his shaving kit.

As Kate was busy packing, she was talking to her friend and neighbor, who was also taking a holiday vacation.

"Pete's brother and his family are here. Trish is going to Montreal."

"Montreal?"

"Her family's there, then we're off."

"When?"

"Tomorrow."

"You're not ready are you?"

"Well, I'm doing the best I can. You know how hectic it can be with so many people in one house. What about you, when are you coming back?"

"I expect we'll be back by January 3rd."

"Not 'till then?"

"Well I want to make sure I enjoy the Holidays as much as I can; spending Christmas AND New Year on vacation sounds like the life. They won't let you board your dog on an international flight will they?"

"No, we're not bringing the dog, we're putting him in the kennel for the trip. The people there are so nice, and I trust he'll be in good company while we're away."

Just the, Peter entered bedroom with his electric razor in hand.

"Hey, did you pick up a voltage adapter thing?" he asked in a tired tone.

"No, I didn't have time to so that" answered Kate, covering the microphone.

"Then how am I supposed to shave in France?"

"Grow a goatee" answered Kate sarcastically. Clearly, she didn't have time to pile more stress on her plate. Just then, Leslie entered the room.

"Do you guys have a voltage adapter?" she asked. Peter threw up his hands in frustration.

"That's the one million dollar question, isn't is?" he said exasperatedly.

While most of the adults were discussing voltage adapters, it was chaos as usual on the main floor. Tracy, the oldest child of Frank and Leslie's, was talking with her brother Fuller in the house's dining room.

"Do you know where the shampoo is, Fuller?"

"I don't live here!" answered Fuller in an exasperated manner. A frustrated Tracy stormed off.

"I don't believe in a house with THIS many people there's no shampoo!"

The officer then approached Tracy.

"Pardon me, are your parents home?"

"Yeah, but they don't live here!" Tracy quickly answered before heading upstairs. Halfway up, she encountered her cousin Heather (one of Rob's leftover kids) heading down.

"Tracy, did you order the pizza?"

"Buzz did!" Tracy said without stopping. Heather sighed and continued down the stairs, where she was met by the police officer.

"Excuse me miss, are YOUR parents here?"

"My parents live in Paris, sorry." Heather said before walking off into the ensuing chaos. Sondra, the second oldest of Frank and Leslie's children behind Tracy, then entered the main foyer, where she was greeted by the police officer.

"Hi." said the officer, this time trying for a more casual approach.

"Hi." Sondra said in reply.

"Are your parents home?"

"Yeah?"

"Do they live here?"

"No." Sondra swiftly replied before exiting into another room. The officer could not believe the situation of the household. He simply shrugged his shoulders.

"No? Why should they?" he asked himself in a darkly sarcastic tone. "All kids, no parents! Probably a fancy orphanage."

Jeff, who finished packing, ran halfway down the stairs, and stopped at the landing.

"Bombs Away!" he shouted as he tossed his red duffel bag down the remaining stairs. The bag landed with a loud thud at the officer's feet. The officer, his arms akimbo, glared up at Jeff. Jeff, realizing his mistake, quickly skidded back up the stairs as if he was pretending he was never there.

Amidst the noise and fast-paced energy of the rest of the house, Buzz's room was relatively quiet. Buzz's room could only be described as a high school jock's dream: the room was littered with sports memorabilia, including a cardboard cutout of Michael Jordan leaning against his closet wall. The room also contained centerfolds of women in thong bikinis pinned to the walls. Buzz also had his prized position mounted above his bed: his BB Gun, which he would never dare to let his siblings touch, unless they were willing to receive a good pounding. Aside from his BB Gun, Buzz's other prized possession was his pet tarantula Axl, named after the lead singer of Buzz's favorite band: Guns 'n' Roses. Buzz received Axl as birthday present after he learned about tarantulas. He thought they were cool, so he wanted to keep one as a pet. Buzz kept Axl in a glass tank on a shelf in his room, spoiling him as if he were his own son. Clearly, Buzz had exquisite tastes.

Buzz was the oldest of Peter and Kate's children, and he loved to act like it. He was only fourteen years old, but he had the body of a guerrilla. Plus the fact that he was almost taller than his father, he took any opportunity to could to throw his weight around (while his parents weren't looking of course). Buzz loved to grease his hair so it stood straight up, giving his head a very aggressive, militaristic look while simultaneously making Buzz look more apelike and oafish.

Sharing Buzz's room for the night was someone whom looked in every way Buzz's opposite. While Buzz was tall and imposing, Rod was lanky. With his dark curly hair and large round glasses, he looked like the kind of kid Buzz would be giving wedgies and Indian burns. Rod was the other child of Rob's, who was staying with Frank's family while his father was away in Paris.

Rod curiously tapped the glass case containing Axl, who scampered away.

"Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?" Rod asked Buzz, who was busy packing.

"He just ate a whole load of mice guts." said Buzz. "He should be good for a couple weeks."

Buzz then stopped packing to ask his own question to Rod.

"Hey, is it true that French babes don't shave their pits?"

"Some don't." answered Rod with a look of confusion and mild disgust.

"But they got nude beaches?"

"Not in the winter." Rod said swiftly. A dejected Buzz continued packing, his dreams of hot steamy French love crushed. A moment later, Buzz heard a scraping sound outside, causing him to look towards his window.

"Check it out! Old Man Marley!"

Buzz and Rod advanced towards the window. Pulling back the blinds, they saw an elderly bearded man, shovel in hand, dragging what looked like a dumpster from a neighboring house.

"Who's he?" asked a confused Rod.

"You ever heard of South Bend Shovel Slayer?"

"No."

"That's him. Back in '58, he murdered his whole family and half the people on the block. With a snow shovel. He's been hiding out in this neighborhood ever since."

As they watched, Old Man Marley began shoveling the snowy sidewalk, and sprinkling snow salt (which he evidently kept in the dumpster) on the shoveled area.

"Well, if he's a shovel slayer, how come the cops don't arrest him?"

"Not enough evidence to convict." said Buzz mysteriously. "They never found the bodies, but everyone around here knows he did it. Now it will just be a matter of time before he does it again."

"What's he doing now?" asked Rod.

"He walks up and down the streets every night, salting the sidewalks." Buzz said ominously.

"Maybe he's just trying to be nice." said Rod, though it was clear that he was beginning to believe Buzz. He at least wanted to rationalize Marley's actions, hoping beyond hope that Buzz was wrong.

"No way." Buzz slowly said, shaking his head. "See that garbage can full of salt?"

Rod gave a weak nod.

"That's where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies into mummies."

Old Man Marley then tossed snow out of his shovel, before turning upwards to look at Buzz and Rod, who quickly jumped back from the window, closing the curtains.

"Look out!" yelped Buzz.

Old Man Marley just stood there, ominously staring at the window before returning to his work. Behind that window, Buzz and Rod were holding the blinds close so not even a crack of the outside could be seen.

"As soon as I get something on that old maniac, I'm calling the FBI and turning his ass in for the reward money."

Not long after Old Man Marley gave Buzz and Rod a good spook, a pizza delivery car sped down Lincoln Boulevard, tires screeching for every sharp turn, racing to deliver a large order to the McCallister's before the "twenty minute delivery or you don't pay" policy took effect. Unfortunately, the pizza boy was in such a hurry that he accidentally slammed into the McCallister's front lawn statue decoration, knocking it over. The pizza boy, a spry boy of around eighteen, hopped out of the car, lifted the statue back into position, and prayed that no damage was done.

While this was going on, the police officer managed to catch the attention of Fuller and his slightly older sister Brooke. They looked similar together in that they were both incredibly young children with bug-eyed glasses. Anyone might have assumed they were twins. They simply stood in awe at the police officer's presence.

"How're you kids doing huh? Good?" asked the officer in a friendly tone. The two stood there stupefied.

"A lot of action around here today, Huh?" No response from Fuller or Brooke.

"Goin' on vacation? Where you goin'?" No response.

There was sudden pounding at the door.

"Where you goin'? Disney World? Disneyland?" No response.

"Do you hear me or what?" The officer was getting more annoyed by the lack of a response.

"Goin on a trip? Where you goin', kid!?"

The pounding continued. The officer scoffed at the kids and turned to answer the door. These kids were not worth his time or effort. The pizza boy entered carrying a literal tall order, closing the door behind him by kicking it shut.

"Okay, that's $122.50." said the pizza boy promptly.

"Not for me kid. I don't live here." the police officer said after a pause.

"Oh, you're just around for the Holidays."

"Yeah, I guess you could say that."

The pizza boy then turned his attention towards Fuller and Brooke, still standing jaws agape.

"Well, you dinks are my witnesses! I was here is twenty minutes or less!" No response.

At that moment, Frank, Peter's aforementioned curmudgeonly older brother, raced down the stairs and approached the pizza boy.

"Hey, the pizza's here!" Frank announced.

"Here you go." said the pizza boy, handing the pizza boxes to Frank. The order was so tall, Frank had to rest his head on the top box.

"That's $122.50."

Frank visibly cringed after hearing the amount owed.

"Ugh. It's my brother's house, he'll take care of it." Frank said, skulking away into the kitchen before the pizza boy could protest.

For one brief moment of order, the McCallister family made their way to the kitchen as one. The police officer once again tried to rope some family members down for information, but they paid him no mind, their hunger drawing them away. Peter made his way down the stairs and greeted the officer, shaking his hand.

"Are you Mr. McCallister?" asked the officer.

"Yeah" answered Peter matter-of-factly.

"The Mr. McCallister who lives here?"

"Yes."

"Oh good," the pizza boy butt-in. "Because somebody owes me $122.50."

"I'd like a word with you please." the officer said bluntly. To say Peter was confused was an understatement.

"Am I under arrest of something?"

"Oh nonononono!" the officer clarified. "It's Christmastime. There's always a lot of burglaries around the Holidays, so we're just checking the neighborhood to see of everyone's taking the proper precautions. That's all."

"Oh yeah!" said a relieved Peter. "Well we have automatic lights on timers, locks for our doors. That's about as well as anyone can do these days, right?

The officer was slowly nodding his head, taking note of every detail.

"Do you get some eggnog or something like that?" asked Peter as a lighthearted quip.

"Come on, Dad! Let's eat!" said Buzz, who made his way down the stairs. Placing an arm around his father's shoulder and steered him away towards the kitchen. Peter quickly said his farewells to the officer and left for the kitchen with his eldest son.

"Eg-eggnog?" muttered the officer, clearly not understanding the joke.

Inside the kitchen, the McCallister family was settling in for a nice meal of pizza with either coke or milk to drink. Due to the large number of people in the kitchen, not everybody was sitting at the kitchen table. Many kids were eating their pizza at the kitchen counter. The pizza were severed on red plastic plates and the drinks were in red plastic cups.

"Grab yourself a napkin, and you're gonna have to pour your own drinks." announced Leslie to her children at the table.

"Mom, does Santa Claus have to go through Customs?" asked Brook.

"What time do we have to go to bed?" asked Fuller.

"Early" replied Frank. "We leave the house at 8 AM on the button."

"I hope you're all drinking milk! I gotta get rid of it!" cried Kate, who just joined the party. "Hey, don't you dare!" she snapped at she second child Megan, who was acting like she was going to throw something at Jeff in a display of childish rapscallionism.

"Honey, the pizza boy needs $122.50, plus a tip." said Peter.

"For pizza!" replied a shocked Kate.

"Ten pizzas times twelve bucks."

"Frank, you've got some money, don't you. Come on!" Leslie scolded her husband, patting him on the shoulder.

"Traveler's checks!" replied Frank.

"Forget it, Frank." said Kate as she began fishing for the proper amount in her wallet. "We have cash."

"You probably got the kind of traveler's checks that don't work in France." Peter told his older brother.

"Fuller! Go easy on the Pepsi!" snapped Leslie towards her young son, who was gleefully chugging down an entire can of Pepsi. It was a known fact that Fuller wets himself if he drinks before bed. Fuller grinned widely and raised his eyebrows. He found the idea of wetting the bed to be hilarious in his developing child-brain.

While all this was going on, Buzz was stuffing as much cheese pizza in his mouth as he could before turning in for the night. Cheese pizza was Buzz's favorite type of pizza, and he wanted to eat as much as he could for the present. Unfortunately, he was so stuffed with pizza that he started chocking on it. Buzz acted as if he were vomiting in an attempt to dislodge the pizza, but it was no use.

The next moment, so many things happened at once it was hard for any of the family members to keep of it all. Buzz started panicking, and he backed his enormous girth into the counter, spilling cups of milk all over the passports and plane tickets, which were lying there. The McCallister household descended into renewed panic as Buzz continued to stumble around the kitchen with all the grace of a bull in a china shop. Many family members were angrily shouting at Buzz, while others realized he was choking and either panicked themselves or tried to help him.

"Wow!" exclaimed Fuller as he rose from his seat and made a move towards the action.

Peter was in the middle of filling Frank's cup with Pepsi while this was occurring.

"The passports!" he shouted and rushed into action. Unfortunately, he was in such a rush to help that he accidentally spilled the bottle of Pepsi all over Frank's pizza, as well as Frank himself.

"WATCH IT!" Frank shouted as the Pepsi spilled all over him, wetting the front of his trousers. With a start, Frank leapt from his place. Alas, Frank accidentally squished Fuller's face against the wall, as Fuller was still looking for a front row seat to observe the chaos.

The situation was slowly getting under control. Under the leadership of Peter, the older McCallister kids cleaned up the spilled milk, even removing the official documents to avoid further damage. Kate was performing CPR on Buzz. She eventually managed to expel the cheesy choke-wad Buzz's esophagus, even shooting it into a nearby trash can like a basketball landing in the hoop from the half court line. Leslie even pulled the chair from Fuller's face and lifted him into her arms.

"Are you okay, sweetie." she said as she did her best to console her baby boy.

Kate was trying to console her own son, who was breathing like a like a winded rhinoceros.

"Buzz, remember what I said about biting off more than you can chew?"

Frank, who was furiously wiping the dark spot on his pants, was not in charitable mood.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID, YOU LITTLE JERK!" he angrily snapped at Buzz.

Frank wasn't the only family member angry at Buzz. While most of the family sympathized with Buzz's situation, there were a few relatives, notably Jeff, who thought this was another one of Buzz's cruel pranks. Buzz always pulled nasty pranks like this on his younger siblings, so there was no reason for them to think this time was any different.

Thankfully, the situation calmed down so Kate could leave the kitchen, wallet in hand, to pay the pizza boy his due.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This house is just crazy. We've got all these extra kids running around, and I can't keep all of them out of trouble. My brother-in-law drove in from Ohio today." explained Kate as she fished out some cash and handed it to the pizza boy. "It's just a mess."

"Nice tip. Thanks a lot." said the pizza boy as he turned and left, glad to have made the delivery in the allotted time.

"Having a reunion or something?" asked the police officer, who just returned from inspecting the house.

"Oh no. My husband's brother transferred to Paris last summer, and both of his kids are still going to school here and I guess he missed the whole family, so he's giving us this trip to Paris for the Holidays so that we can be together."

"You're taking a trip to Paris?"

"Yes. We hope to leave tomorrow morning."

"Excellent, excellent." the officer grinned. Kate did not seem to notice the dark undertone in his voice. "Don't worry about your home; it's in good hands." The officer turned and exited the house, grinning so wide he revealed a gold tooth in the upper right side of his mouth.

Despite all the chaos of the day, the McCallister's settled in relatively well for the night, ready for the trip to France in the morning. However, a particularly fierce windstorm blew through the area in the night, so strong it dislodged several of their decorations and ripped the Christmas ribbons from the streetlights. The winds also tore a limb loose from a nearby tree, causing it to knock out the power lines below. This caused a blackout while everyone was sleeping, shutting off their alarm clocks.