He was Obi-Wan Kenobi, Master Jedi, Council member, High-General of the Galactic Republic, The undisputed grand master of Form III and he didn't know where he went wrong.
The feeling wasn't particularly new. In his years as the apprentice of Qui-Gon the sting failure, the feeling of never beeing quite good enough was a constant companion. His master was demanding and he made no secret of the fact he took on Obi-Wan very reluctantly.
Still, it has never hit Obi-Wan quite as hard as it did in the last few days. Not because something particularly unique happened, but because of a stray comment Anakin made that shed light on a host of issues he never realized were there.
They were defending a particularly civilian dense city against the droid army of the separatists when the Anakin, Ahsoka and Obi-Wan came across a particularly gruesome scene. The bodies of a family, a father a mother and a child by the looks of it, lying on the ground, mangled horrifically by shrapnel from an artillery strike.
The younger pair, of course immediately rushed there, the grizly scene affecting Anakin as such situations always did. First came disbilief, then came grief and finally anger. It was an understandable reaction and one most if not all Jedi struggled with keeping under control, so Obi-Wan didn't begrudge it to the young man. Force knows he struggled just as much when he was at the boy's age too.
Still, they were in a combat scenario and letting the darkness such thoughts invited stay would do no good for any of them and so he joined the two, a hand on each of their shoulders as he sent as much comfort as he could manage in the face of such brutality.
"Come, Anakin. We will be no help to them anymore, let us make sure no such scenes will happen under our watch." he said, his voice carefully measured. "Let the darkness go, it will not serve us well to hold it in our hearth when there is still so much to do."
He knew he didn't choose his words well enough the moment Anakin heard them, the anger swelling into rage for a moment, before Anakin caught himself and released the emotion into the force as completely as he was able.
"Of course master." he said, his voice betraying his frustration as he shrugged off Obi-Wan's hand. "I'll be sure to do that"
The bitterness was clear in his voice, the very force resonating with the powerful Jedi's frustration and anger. Still, the man stood and Obi-Wan let it go. There was no helping such feelings when the situation was this grim.
"not like you would know anything of darkness..." Anakin muttered as he walked off, his padawan dutifully following behind.
Obi-Wan was confused. He knew he wasn't meant to hear that, but hear it he did and incomprehension filled him. Did Anakin really think... surely not.
And yet, in the next 3 days, as Obi-Wan carefully and subtly prodded the topic he came to a startling realization. It seems he failed to teach Anakin something and now it was coming back to haunt him.
So he sat, the meditation chamber shielded by thin sheets of beskar he kept on the ship for occasions when he did not wish for others to feel his force signature, waiting for his padawan and grandpadawan and preparing himself mentally and spiritually to what would undoubtedly be a taxing lesson.
They arrived ten minutes late, a small rebellion on Anakin's part no doubt, remeniscent of his days as a padawan yet so much more disrespectful now that he didn't have the excuse of youth to hide behind. Obi-Wan let it go, this lesson would not be one on common curtesy, not that those ever seemed to hold anyways.
"You are here, good." he said, opening his eyes for the first time, yet refusing to rise, a subtle and admittedly petty jab for the lateness. "Take a seat please."
"What is this about Master?" Anakin asked, his voice tinged with irritation even as he sat heavily on one of the prepared cushions. "You have not called me like this since I was a padawan."
"Indeed, you are right and normally I wouldn't, but it has come to my attention, that I may have failed to teach you something important." Ovbi-Wan said, before swiftly continuing when he saw the indignation rise in Anakin's eyes. "This will not be a long lesson I suspect and it has nothing to do with technical skills or even philosophy."
"Then what is it Master?" he said, confusion now tinging his clear frustration.
"A demonstration I suppose." he said, voice clipped as he let his shields fall, his mind as open as it has ever been since beeing a padawan himself. "You'll connect to me through our training bond and I'll help Ahsoka along. Afterwards, you need not do anything more then observe."
They did so, Anakin's mind brushing up agains't Obi-Wan's while he mentally grabbed ahsoka, pulling her presence close enough that even as a Padawan she could sufficently feel Obi-Wan's mind and force presence.
"Ready?" he asked and as they nodded he began.
Obi-Wan let go, memories flashing behind his once closed mind. The fear of being sent away from the temple at 12, the helpless terror of waking up with a slave collar in the mines of Bandomeer, the everpresent combination of fear-grief-hatred on the battle fields of Melida/Daan as children died for the sins of their parents. The loss and emptiness that followed his seperation from Satine, the grief of losing his master and so much more... friends lost, fights barely survived, innocents dead, they all fed the darkness as it grew, twisting and turning as it encompassed Obi-Wan's presence in the force.
"You, my boy seem to be under the impression that you are the only one who feels the call of the dark." he said, as he opened his now glowing golden eyes and stared at the confused and terrified faces of his padawan and grandpadawan. "You seem to think, that everyone else is little more then emotionless robots, who barely even comprehend the existance of the dark side, nevermind struggle to stop themselves from falling."
The darkness drew him inside, whispering promises of power, control and all that came with it. In return it asked for nothing more then his soul and for a moment he was tempted. The idea that maybe he could end this war and keep his loved ones safe for such a low price seemed well worth it and yet...
He exhaled, the raging currents of his violent emotions slowly draining into the force as he imposed the self-control that differentiated a true jedi Master from a Knight, above and beyond the requirements in skill and experience.
"... I assure you this is not so." he said, addressing the duo sitting in front of him once more. "The hallmark of a Master you see is not that we do not feel the darkness, it is not even our ability to keep it out, it is the inner strength to consistently banish it."
Rage was the first to go, he had never been parrticularly good at keeping grudges and there was no one in this room other then perhaps himself, that could be blamed for the many horrible events that caused the emotional response.
Second was fear, of the future, of the unkown and above all of loneliness. It didn't last, for what was fear to someone that accepted their ignorance and replaced it with trust in the Force.
Third was the overwhelming, posessive attachment that always followed when fearing for the life of a loved one. After all, people came and went and while helping them, enjoying their company and even loving them wasn't an issue, one can't justify selfish feelings with selfless motives.
The chaotic mixture of pain, confusion and sadistic detachment that came from having to take the lives of others came after that, the knowledge that by having done so he showed mercy to those who would have been victimized by the people whose lives he cut short.
Last was grief, the pain of losing people, of the terror of loneliness that came every time someone precious to him died. Yet he knew, more then any force null ever could, that no one was truly alone if they knew how to listen. That the Force transcended the boundaries of life and death and that all who died just rejoined the greater whole.
There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no chaos, there is harmony.
There is no death, there is the force.
He opened his eyes once more, the steely grey briefly illuminated by light-blue glow of the Light flowing through a Master of the Jedi and for a moment he said, nothing, contenting himself in feeling the Force's currents washing away his doubts, his fears, his worries as it reassured him that this really was the right path even as the two young ones in front of him shook slightly from the whiplash of witnessing Obi-Wan's banishment of the Darkness.
"This is the power of the light you see." he said, his eyes slowly but surely returning to their standard color as he addressed the two sitting in front of him. "The ability to remain true to yourself even in the depths of the greatest darkness."
"The dark promises power over the world by making you resemble its darkest parts, it hinges on the belief that controlling the World is more important then controlling yourself. The light is the opposite, as Jedi we believe that as long as you remain true to yourself, to your morals, to your beliefs, rejecting outside influence like emotion, the world around you will change to resemble you." he said, knowing that even if they heard the words before they would help underscore the point.
"Think on this then, Anakin, Ahsoka, what is it that stands in the core of your being? If there were no emotions, no ignorance, no passion, no chaos and no death, what would make you you?" he asked, but seeing and feeling their confusion on what the point was, added "Finally ask yourself this, should the existence of all those things really change that core?"
Feeling the beginnings of comprehension from the two young ones, he stood up, his shields snapped back as he gently extracted the two and walked to the door.
"Feel free to use this room for as long as you wish." he said, before exiting. He had a war to win after all.