Fallout of Scars: Reminiscences

by Certain POV

Inspired by a chapter in Conquistadora36's Legends Are for the Brave over on a03, I decided to write a one-shot about two conversations that I think would be held between Jacen Solo from my Fallout of Scars continuity and Luke Skywalker's sponsor daughter Malinza Thanas.

At the zenith of a warm spring day on this part of the planet, the woman regarded Shedu Maad's Jedi Temple for several moments before she walked the remaining twenty meters to reach its primary pedestrian entryway. On either side stood a modified YVH droid that stared back at her with typical machine-like indifference even as she came to a stop less than a meter away.

The one to her left said in a reverberated monotone, "Identify yourself."

The woman replied, "My name is Malinza Thanas Kedrick of Bakura. I am here to see Grand Master Skywalker."

A moment later, the YVH to her right said, "You are expected, Mrs. Kedrick. Please display your identification chip for confirmation."

Malinza raised an eyebrow at the droids as she looked between them. "You mean I'm expected but I'm still required to verify my identity?"

"You are, ma'am, for security reasons. Would you like those reasons explained to you, Mrs. Kedrick?"

She repressed an annoyed grimace. "No, I would not," she said as she moved to get her identichip from her pocket.

Once the right droid scanned it and returned the chip, it said, "Welcome to the Jedi Temple, Mrs. Kedrick," as the entryway parted open to admit her.

She said nothing to either of them as she entered, and only after the doors closed did she mutter under her breath, "Droids."

Of course, immediately after, she looked up and around her sparse surroundings. In this corridor, she recognized Old Republic architecture that would have no doubt suited the Jedi Temple of Coruscant before Palpatine declared himself Emperor. Adorning that grand architecture were statues and even holograms of Jedi with whom Malinza had little to no familiarity even with what she knew about recent Jedi history on her way over from Bakura.

It didn't take her long before she noticed someone: a rather handsome human man who looked like he was in his mid-thirties. He was looking up at a hologram of a teenage boy dressed in Jedi robes who had a faint resemblance to him.

Malinza approached the man and joined him in looking up at the hologram. She allowed several seconds to pass before the man finally seemed to notice her as he turned his head to regard her neutrally.

"Wondering who that is?" he asked.

"If you don't mind," she replied.

"A great Jedi," he said as he turned back to look up at the hologram. "I knew him personally. He died during the Yuuzhan Vong War. He gave his life on a crucial mission so that his surviving teammates could go on, succeed, and escape. Today is the anniversary of his death. Thirteen years."

"This is Anakin Solo," she said.

"You already knew?"

"I've seen a holo or two of him before. Though, admittedly, I may have had a fuzzy memory about it."

"That so?"

Malinza's eyes dropped in thought. "Well, not exactly," she said as she looked back up at the man. "Even though I never knew him, I took time to memorize what the Grand Master's late nephew looked like."

"Then why ask who he was?"

"I just wanted to know what Anakin Solo's older brother had to say about him before I formally introduced myself."

"I hope I didn't disappoint you, Miss Thanas. Oh, I'm sorry, it was Mrs. Kedrick, wasn't it?"

"You can call me Malinza, if you'd like."

"I would. And I don't mind you calling me Jacen."

"I'm glad to finally meet you, Jacen."

"Likewise, Malinza," he replied with a small smile as he shook her hand. "I've heard all about you from Uncle Luke. He speaks very highly of you and of your scholastic accomplishments on Bakura. I also hear you have a daughter, too, right?"

She nodded as she ended the handshake naturally. "Her name is Petra. She's four years old now."

"Four years old? What a coincidence! My own daughter is the same age!"

"Yes, Allana is her name, correct? And her mother is the Queen Mother of the Hapes Consortium, if I'm not mistaken."

"You're right on both counts, Malinza," he replied enthusiastically. "Speaking of daughters, where's your own? Did you bring her here to Shedu Maad?"

She nodded. "Yes, I left her in the care of her nanny in the hotel we rented here. And even with this one being the cheapest we could find, it was still so richly furnished with... Well, I'm sure you have an idea already of what it has. The Consortium is a beautiful place, in my opinion, even with everything I heard about its reputation for backstabbing among the nobles."

Jacen nodded in tacit agreement. "You know, I'm surprised we haven't met already after all these years."

She shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah, me, too." She looked back at Anakin's hologram. "And I wish I had the opportunity to meet him, as well."

"He would've loved you, I'm sure," Jacen said as he joined her in resuming his gaze at the holo.

A moment later, she said, "And don't worry. You didn't disappoint me."

"About what I said about Anakin?"

"Yes. Just as Luke told you about me, he told me about you. He said you were always a more thoughtful and reserved person. It figures that someone like you would downplay your connection with Anakin while simultaneously espousing who he was, even if you wouldn't name him."

"He wouldn't have liked this, I don't think. Anakin, I mean. He never really viewed himself as a hero, despite everything he did to the very end."

"Does that mean that you think he shouldn't have this tribute?"

He looked at her and shook his head vehemently. "Not at all. In fact, I can't wait until enough time has passed that he gets a statue." He returned his attention to the holo.

"I'm surprised the Order hasn't made one for him already."

Jacen shrugged. "It's a matter of time, I suppose. Enough time passes when even the last person who knew him firsthand has finally passed into the Force, only then will he be immortalized by something more... substantive."

"Is that a rule around here?"

"More of a guideline, I guess." Silence sat between them for several more seconds before he turned back to her and said, "But enough reminiscing about Anakin. You're here to see Uncle Luke, right?"

Malinza nodded. "Honestly, I'm surprised he hasn't seen me here yet. I haven't seen him since last year on Bakura. We agreed, too, that for the first time, I would meet him where he lived. I would have thought that he would have met me outside the Temple, if not right inside the entrance."

Jacen looked downcast. "Well, I'm sure he has a reason. I can take you to him, if you'd like."

"That'd be wonderful."

"Then follow me," he said with a wave of his hand as he turned and headed toward the nearest turbolift; she quickly joined him to his left.

"Jacen, you don't mind if I ask you more personal questions on our way, do you?"

"Not at all. What are your questions?"

"I'm curious, after all these years, why haven't you married Tenel Ka yet?"

He gave a brief chuckle that Malinza thought sounded bitter. "I wish I could. But a marriage to the Queen Mother for someone like me is virtually impossible even for Tenel Ka to make an exception for." By that point, they reached the turbolift and Jacen pressed the UP button.

"I assume this has something to do with royal customs and the like?"

He nodded. "Something like that. She has the right to refuse marriage to any noble, but even she doesn't have the power to marry me. The Duchas can barely tolerate the fact that their Queen Mother, who they hate anyway, sired a 'bastard' with a commoner like me. If Tenel Ka had the gall to actually marry me, it might throw the entire Consortium into chaos, challenging the royal system like that."

The 'lift doors opened; they stepped in, and after the doors closed on them to begin taking them to wherever Luke was, Malinza asked, "But... aren't you the son of a princess? Wouldn't that allow you to marry Tenel Ka?"

"Sadly, my mother's royal status didn't really transfer to me. Although she was chosen to be Prince Isolder's wife before my father married her, that was because she had a legitimate claim as Princess of Alderaan even after its destruction. But since she doesn't actually have a kingdom to pass down, the royal status couldn't really pass down to me."

"Well, if you don't mind my saying this, Jacen, but I think that's just stupid. Even if you weren't already heir to royalty."

"You and me both, kid."

The rest of the 'lift ride, which was only another fifteen seconds, was spent in silence between them before the doors opened again. They stepped out into another similar-looking corridor, and only after the doors behind them closed did Malinza say, "There's one other thing I want to ask, Jacen."

"And that is?"

"Well... do you mind if we stop before we finally see Luke?"

At that, Jacen stopped for them both and asked, "Yes?"

She bit her lip as she mustered the courage to broach this dreaded topic. With a deep hissing inhale, she said, "It's about your sister."

With no perceptible change in his facial or body expressions, Jacen said evenly, "Go on."

Malinza grimaced for a split second before her face resumed a more collected expression. "I knew Jaina only very briefly on Bakura back during the Yuuzhan Vong War. Even though we butted heads at the start, I liked her in the end, and I think she liked me, too. So, tell me... how could she have done the things that the HoloNet said she did?"

After a tense, silent moment, Jacen finally exhaled softly before he said, "Here, have a seat with me." He waved toward a nearby couch along one of the walls.

When they were seated, he looked at her with grave sadness in his eyes.

"She fell to the dark side because I failed her," he began. "I didn't do enough for her. As either a Jedi or as her twin brother. And because of that, she killed many innocent people. Among them... my aunt Mara, as you already know." His voice scraped as he spoke those last several words; he wiped at the tears that threatened to escape him. With a deep inhale, he regained his composure as he continued. "And no excuse I could ever come up with could ever remedy that."

"What do you mean excuse?" Malinza asked gently.

"Fighting the Killiks, fighting the Chiss, fighting the Sith and Abeloth, you name it. Granted, the conflicts with the Sith and Abeloth came after I caught Jaina on Centerpoint, but... well, it wasn't quite the end of her darkness then."

"She did sacrifice herself, didn't she? To destroy Abeloth. Luke himself vouched for that publicly."

Jacen nodded as a fresh wave of tears threatened to escape him. "And it's true. She did give her life to end Abeloth once and for all. I was there, I saw it. With my parents. And we... we were there when she faded... into the Force." He finally looked away as silent sobs wracked his body.

Despite herself, Malinza couldn't help but place a hand on the shoulder that was facing her. She let Jacen sob for a little over a minute before she said, "Look, I'm... I'm sorry I brought it up. I can... I can find Luke if you-"

"No, no, it's alright," Jacen said hurriedly as he looked back at her and wiped the tears from his face. He let out a frustrated groan before he said, "You wanted to know, I'm not going to leave my uncle's sponsor child without her getting every answer she could've asked for. Because you knew Jaina when she was at her best, and I'm genuinely glad that you never had to see the monster she had become. So if you have anymore questions, Malinza, please, and I really mean this, ask away."

She gulped nervously before she said, "Well, uh... what was it exactly that made her fall to the dark side of the Force?"

"Uncle Luke didn't tell you about any of it?"

"I want to hear your side of the story. If that's alright with you."

Jacen's lips thinned in deep thought before he answered. "It was a combination of things, really. Some of its was Killik... chemical mind-influence, I guess. Some of it was hatred for the man she once loved. Jagged Fel. He had turned into something of an Imperial among the Chiss. Ruthless guy. I knew him barely during the Yuuzhan Vong War; stand-up, he was, but I guess it makes sense how someone like him could go down a darker path as a military man. Same with Jaina, I guess. She was always the most aggressive of us, between her, me, and Anakin, I mean. The feeling of betrayal didn't end there, though. One time, Jaina said something really stupid to Mara; brought up Palpatine, and made a connection between him and Uncle Luke that wasn't... exactly flattering."

Malinza winced. "What... what exactly would make Jaina think that Luke was anything like Palpatine?"

"She was in disagreement with our uncle about how we and the Killiks—and by we, I mean her, me, and our fellow survivors from the Mission to Myrkr—were handling the conflict with the Chiss in the Unknown Regions. One daring moment later, and our aunt slaps her right across the face. I could even remember feeling it as if it were through the Force itself, that the chasm that had opened between them could never be sealed after that." He released another frustrated sigh. "I just never thought she would go so far as to kill Mara over it!"

As tears lined her own eyes, Malinza asked, "Was that really all it took to bring Jaina to that point?"

Jacen shook his head. "I doubt that would've been it. Even if she and Aunt Mara never got along again after that, I don't think that was what really pushed her over the edge."

"Then what was it?"

"Zekk."

Malinza nodded in recollection. "One of the other Myrkr survivors."

"And a good friend of ours," Jacen replied as he mirrored her nod. "She killed him on accident while she was defeating the leaders of the Gorog nest, or the Dark Nest, as you might know them better. He was her anchor to the light side, especially when you consider that he had once been a dark sider himself as a teenager. It was that grief that had been exploited by Jagged Fel that was really pushing her over the edge. And... I hate to admit this, but Uncle Luke did make a mistake that contributed to Jaina's fall."

Malinza looked particularly hurt by that accusation. "How so?" she asked as she barely kept her tone from sounding remotely threatening.

"Well, Jaina, me, and Lowie—Lowbacca, I should say, another good friend of ours—were tasked with hunting down three other survivors that were keeping Gorog going. One of them was the son of a Jedi Master, Saba Sebatyne. Uncle Luke tried to keep her out of it because he didn't want her to be emotionally compromised had we... had we been faced with the task of killing her son Tesar. She ignored it and she caught up with us. When we tried to subdue her, she hurt Lowbacca, cut off his leg, and Jaina... well, she blinded Saba with Force-lightning and killed her then and there. When she was no longer a threat, my sister acted purely on her darker intentions and killed out of vengeance. Out of the dark side, built from Jag exploiting her grief over Zekk.

"I wish I could've stopped her. I was unconscious at the time—Master Corran Horan told me about it after I came to—but by that point, she was lost. I tried to get her once, but she had cut off Master Horn's hand and escaped. I didn't see her again until a year later toward the end of the Chiss War, and by then... she had changed." He raised his right arm and clenched it in a fist. "We fought on Coruscant of all places, after she killed the World Brain and a whole group of GA scientists and Yuuzhan Vong Shapers. She cut my arm off; gave me this." He dropped his prosthetic arm, disguised by the synthflesh, back to his side in grief. "And that was before she killed Aunt Mara and kidnapped our cousin Ben so he could be tortured into submission by Lumiya." His voice cracked as he said the next two sentences. "And if it weren't for my aunt, I would've been dead, too. I remember the last thing I felt from her was her lending me her strength through the Force so that I could get Jaina away from me."

Malinza blinked back the tears as her rage at hearing what the woman she knew to be feisty yet good back on Bakura so many years ago had done.

"Was there anything else you wanted to know, Malinza?"

She shook her head as her vision blurred with a fresh set of tears. "Not at this time, no," she replied quietly.

Jacen sniffed. "Then let's go see Uncle Luke," he said as he stood up.

They said no more to each other as they made the rest of the way to Luke's office.

Once they got there and Jedi Knight Nelani Dinn cleared them for entry after notifying the Grand Master through their intercom system, Malinza practically smashed into her sponsor father's loving embrace.

"Oh, 'Linza, honey, I'm so sorry I forgot all about you!" he said as Jacen stood silently by the threshold. "How shameful of me! I really did have a busy day today!" When he finally pulled out of the hug, he said, "You see, not only did I have to go through the usual number of reports from other Jedi across the galaxy, but I also had quite a training session with Ben!"

"Ben, how is he?!" Malinza asked excitedly.

"Oh, he's doing fantastically!" Luke replied. "I'll tell you all about it after we..." He trailed off as his expression dropped upon seeing Jacen. "Jedi Solo," he said authoritatively.

"Master Skywalker," the younger man replied with a respectful nod.

A moment of uncertain silence later, Luke said, "Thank you for bringing Malinza here. And I'm glad you two finally met."

"I feel the same, Master Skywalker."

Malinza remained silent herself as Luke said, "You are dismissed, Jedi Solo."

The Knight said nothing more as he stepped back from the threshold and closed the door to the Grand Master's office.

"What was all that about?" Malinza couldn't help but ask.

"I'm afraid to tell you, Lin," Luke said, "that Jacen and I aren't on the best of terms. We haven't been for the past several years now."

"Is it because of Mara? And Jaina?" In the years since the Chiss War and the reign of Abeloth across the galaxy, she and her sponsor father had many frank conversations about his feelings about his niece and continued, if cooled, grief for his wife. But never before had she been made aware of any animosity between Luke and his surviving nephew. Of course, with Jacen having just told her that he at least partially blamed Luke for Jaina falling to the dark side on account of the business with Master Sebatyne, Malinza wasn't as surprised as she could have been right now.

"Among other things," Luke replied stoically.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Malinza asked.

"I'd rather not," he said more curtly than he probably intended, she thought.

Still, she couldn't help but feel as if she had, for the first time in her life, seen a crack in the supposedly perfect heroic figure whom she had idolized for virtually her entire life. It was a small moment, yes, that did nothing to undo the connection between them, but it was still somewhat shocking to her.

Nevertheless, Luke's tone lightened significantly when he asked, "What else would you like to talk about, Lin?"

"Well... there's Petra. She's very bright for her age. Probably smarter than I was when I was four."

"I can't wait to see her again," Luke replied warmly.

"You can stop by the hotel after you get off work. Or off-duty, in your case."

"I look forward to it. So how's Lio?"

"Lio's doing... well back at Salis D'aar."

Luke looked suspicious. "Why do I sense something deeper there, Lin? Something I might not like?"

Malinza sighed uncomfortably before she went on to explain her current marital problems.

. . .

Three hours of catching up later, Malinza decided that then was a good time for her to return to the hotel to see to Petra again. Luke, meanwhile, said that he would catch up in due time and meet her at the hotel, for which she provided the address right before she left his office.

On her way from leaving the Jedi Temple, she decided to grab a snack from the mess hall; while she and Luke had a decent meal delivered to them by Jedi Dinn, Malinza thought that it would be wise to return with something for Petra. There, she saw Jacen sitting at a table reading a datapad by himself looking more sullen than she had first seen him earlier.

With her visitor's pass, she got herself a sizable piece of what looked like a fruity cake and placed it in a takeout bag for herself. Then she walked over to Jacen and asked, "Excuse me, but do you mind if I join you?"

He looked up at her and his expression brightened slightly with a small smile. "Go right ahead."

As he set his 'pad down on the tabletop, she took the seat directly across from him and said, "Your uncle told me a little bit more about you in our last conversation. And about some of your more... unconventional views of the Force."

"What do you want to know about them?"

"Do you or do you not believe that there is a light and dark side of the Force? Because from our previous conversation, it sounded like you believed in it. Yet from what I hear about this Unifying Force idea, it sounds much more... grey."

"Sometimes I believe in the light and dark sides, sometimes I don't."

"How can that be?"

"Let me answer your question with a question. Did my uncle tell you about my time being one with the Force?"

"You and your sister relayed that to him afterwards. You had killed the Yuuzhan Vong's Supreme Overlord by... turning into a fulcrum of the Force or something like that?"

"Something like that, yes," Jacen replied with a casual laugh and nod. His tone sobered as he continued. "It was in that moment that I had achieved a clarity of mind, a clarity of being, that I knew that I would never get again. And it was because of that that I set out on my sojourn to other Force-sects to see if any of them could help me reclaim what I had lost when that moment ended. I didn't find it from any of them, and I highly doubt that I would have had that sojourn not been cut off by UnuThul calling me and the other Myrkr survivors to the Unknown Regions."

"But that doesn't really answer my question, Jacen. How did that moment really inform what Vergere had... taught you?"

"By taught, you mean tortured?"

"Do you see it like that?"

"Yes, I do. I know that what Vergere did to me was awful. But I don't regret what I went through and to this day, I can't hold her in any contempt. Without what she taught and tortured into me, I wouldn't have been the Jedi that I am today. And I would've never achieved that moment of oneness, which I needed to have experienced anyway to stop Onimi."

"Would you ever put any other Jedi through what you went through?"

Jacen's expression fell deathly serious. "If I ever felt that I had to, yes."

Malinza's expression dropped into one of abject terror. "And... what would make you feel that?"

"If I had been surrounded by potential enemies who had every opportunity to kill me and I saw no other way to banish the doubts of the Force from this hypothetical pupil."

"Is that how you viewed Vergere?" Malinza's terror from what Jacen had said had yet to abate.

"I can't see her any other way."

"I see." Despite herself, she felt the need to continue with this conversation; she needed peace of mind to reconcile the thoughtful and reserved man she saw before her with someone who may have the will to torture somebody into seeing things his way. "Then tell me... was it Jaina that made you come to see the Force more like your uncle's way?"

"I can't really say that I see the Force the same way that my uncle does even after everything I experienced with Jaina. Or even our friend Tahiri, who is also gone now."

"So why did you view what Jaina did as going down the path of the dark side of the Force when you don't really believe that? When that contradicts what Vergere taught you and what you experienced with Onimi?"

"To say that the Force has a dark side implies a mitigation of our own actions, Malinza. It's not the Force that has a dark side; it's us. So, really, when I say the dark side, or the dark side of the Force, what I really mean is the darkness that resides within us and how we use the Force as a tool to express and impose that darkness unto others. As Vergere taught me, if I were to think of myself as embracing a light side of the Force and I use that as justification of actions wherein I can go on killing others endlessly, well... it can lead to some rather sick views of morality."

"But you killed Onimi by embracing that philosophy and gaining that sense of oneness. Why was ending his life so good? Was it really answering the will of the Force, Jacen?"

He gave her a trademark Solo grin. "In that moment, I couldn't think otherwise, even with what Vergere taught me."

"Is that, then, why you went on that sojourn? To see how you could reconcile those two ideas, when your sense of oneness ultimately led to someone else's death, even if that person was as evil and monstrous as Onimi?"

He cocked his head in serious thought. "Perhaps it was. Perhaps it wasn't." He shrugged. "I honestly don't think I could ever know even if I were to somehow experience that moment again. Or even after I die."

Malinza sighed in thought. "Does it not concern you, then, that your more flexible views of the Force, compared to your uncle and pretty much all of the Jedi in this Order, might lead you to go down a path that's as dark, if not darker, than your sister?"

"Of course it does. It's a question I wrestle with at least thirty seconds of every day since the Yuuzhan Vong War ended. And it's a question that haunted me especially as my sister embraced the dark side. Her dark side, I should say. Or perhaps the Force really does have a light and dark side and our actions really are mitigated as we embrace such a simple yet timeless dichotomy. Because I felt it. Oh, yes, I did, Malinza. I felt it while Jaina was in her descent. After I felt her come back from her apparent death during the Chiss War." He shrugged casually. "Her presence had been tainted by something that wasn't just within her. It was as if there was something else there, something that goes beyond our own wills. And it's what makes me oscillate these days between what Vergere taught me and what I experienced with Onimi and what I felt from the Killik crisis onward. I wish I knew the answers."

"So you do have your doubts, then."

"Of course I have my doubts. I haven't made that clear to you yet?" His question was asked in a jesting tone.

"Which is why you sometimes believe in the firm ideas of the light and dark side and a more abstract idea about our personal natures? Nature versus nurture, but with the Force as nurture?"

"If only it was that simple, Malinza," he said with a half-heart grin. "But if I were to say which side I go down on ideologically when it comes to matters of the Force, it really is a more fluid way of looking at it than even abiding by the rules that Vergere had laid down. Does that make any sense?"

"In other words, you're so fluid that you're not even rigid in your own trained ways of thinking."

Jacen nodded. "And in that, Malinza, you have come as close as you can, like an asymptote, to understanding what I understand."

"Well, if nothing else, I'm... I'm glad that you can check yourself in thinking that only your ways are the right ways of thinking. Sometimes, anyway."

"And I'm glad I can put your worries at rest. I don't foresee myself going down a despotic path of enforcing my will upon others. But let me be clear, I never discard that notion from my mind and I work to make sure that I never end up like that."

"In that regard, you've found your own internal Cosmic Balance, if you think of yourself as a universe upon yourself."

"I know little of the Bakuran Cosmic Balance. I assume that you're Faithful in it?"

"I am."

"Would you like to talk about it and how I, not as a Jedi but as an individual Force-user, would be viewed in your religion?"

Malinza chuckled lightly, all traces of her earlier fears of Jacen banished from her mind completely. "If I could, I have a feeling this conversation would last until tomorrow morning. But would you like a short version of it, Jacen?"

"Absolutely, I would."

"You definitely defy conventions of the Balance's dichotomy in how you make yourself a fulcrum, not just in that moment against Onimi, but in how you are today, I think. I never thought possible that such a balancing act, pun intended, could be achieved in such an individual before. You do intrigue me, Jacen Solo."

"And you flatter me, Malinza Kedrick."

She gave him her own small smile before she stood up and said, "Well, Petra will no doubt be crying to her nanny about where I could be, so I really should be going."

"Have a wonderful night."

"Likewise."

She turned and proceeded to take a few steps before she stopped herself and pivoted to face the unconventional Jedi. "And Jacen?"

He looked back up from his 'pad again at her.

"I hope you and Luke can find a way to reconcile your differences the way you've reconciled your own." She turned and left for good for that night.

Once she was gone, Jacen sighed and resumed looking at the holo of his late sister back when she was a teenager, fighting for Rogue Squadron against the Yuuzhan Vong.

"If only things could be so simple," he muttered to no one in particular.