Interlude: Brokenstar's Memory
(Heads up. The name Brokenstar and Brokentail will be used interchangeably. Brokenstar is indicating moments of strength while Brokentail will be used in a form of belittling)
Brokenstar sat hunched within Thunderclan's medicine den, his eye sockets packed with herbs to prevent infection. Darkness was all Brokenstar knew at the moment, and yet a small twisted smile briefly flashed on his lips as those who promised to grant his desire whispered to him in the unseen way even Starclan fails to replicate. All was not yet lost. As long as he lived, the curse his unseen allies cast would remain. He'd hoped that his raid would have been successful, but secretly it was a no lose scenario. Thunderclan would serve as the barrier to keep his curse alive until the time was right.
Yellowfang padded in, noting the peculiar smile on Brokentail's face. It was unsettling. She didn't understand why Brokentail ever evolved into this twisted being. "Honestly, I don't understand how you became this. You were such a happy apprentice." Yellowfang commented, not really expecting a response since Brokentail was usually so tightly lipped, silent and unrepentant.
"Really?" Came a voice she knew all too well. It was cold and hostile. "Are we playing pretend? You act as if you don't know, as if your foul Starclan's actions weren't obvious. I may be blind, but I still see far more than you, who walks with their eyes and ears closed tight in blind worship. Though, what did I expect from a medicine cat, Starclan's favored little tools. Scarcely even cats. It's no wonder they don't allow you to breed." Brokenstar mewed tauntingly.
"You speak madness Brokentail. What insanity whispered in your ears to convince you to believe such nonsense?" Yellowfang growled back.
Brokenstar barked out a laugh in response. "Words. No. I came to this conclusion all on my own. You can pretend all you want that Starclan is worth more than a rat's tail, but I won't. Not after what they did."
Yellowfang paced back, somewhere between intrigued and angered. "And what, pray tell, could Starclan have possibly done to drive you into being this monstrous, power-seeking tyrant?"
"You know exactly what they did! But I guess that I can remind you. You think I sought power for power's sake. Hah! I was never so weak. I seek power as a means to an end. Starclan will be torn from the sky where they will no longer act as cruel judges over our lives. Starclan serves the dead, not the living. If you really don't know why I am doing this, think back to when I was an apprentice and tell me what you see wrong, or more importantly, missing." Brokenstar mewed. A strange scent of sulfur seemed to emanate from his form as his rage peaked.
Yellowfang thought back to what little she had actually seen when Brokentail was but an apprentice. He'd been happy that he finally had a friend who didn't judge him for his parentage. The two were inseparable, but as she thought about it, she just couldn't place the friend. She learned all the names of the kits of Shadowclan when they were born, and yet she just couldn't stick a name to this apprentice. It certainly wasn't one of Lizardstripe's kits, but that made no sense. There shouldn't have been any other apprentices in that age range, and yet there was. Who was the strange apprentice, and why couldn't she remember them clearly. Her eyes widened as she recognized the oddity in that. How could her memory act so fallible towards specifically one cat?
The smile now stretching across Brokenstar's face shocked Yellowfang out of her thoughts. "You see it now. I can smell it from your fear. You may even be asking yourself how you could possibly forget something like that. What you're experiencing now is but a fragment of what I went through. Do you even remember when it all changed? I do. It was a feeling I'll never forget. I was out on a hunting trip with my mentor when suddenly it felt like claws tore into my skull, ripping something fundamental from me. I could remember my apprenticehood, but it brought with it pounding migraines. I remember our friendship, or rather what I did in it, but everything about my friend was muddled or blank. You claim I was a happy apprentice, but everything that made me happy down to my memories was ripped away, and every single one of you acted as if whatever happened didn't matter. It took a long time, but I managed to discover the truth, that they were completely unable to remember, besides you and Raggedstar…" Brokenstar mewed, his voice passionate and emotional, turning accusingly hostile towards the end.
Now that Yellowfang thought back to it, there was a day that seemed to have sparked this change. Her memory was clearing up slightly. That friend, that apprentice, they were Raggedstar's apprentice. There was also something strange about them, as if they came from nowhere. Either way, the day of the change was when the apprentice disappeared, or rather, died. According to Raggedstar, the apprentice gave their life to protect him from a mad badger. He bore the scars to prove it, and his eyes were red with sorrow. That was when Brokentail's personality flipped.
"Just because your friend died…" Yellowfang began before Brokenstar cut her off.
"Died? No. Dying leaves memories and tears. I should know. I've inflicted plenty of it. The word you are looking for is erased. Every bit of who they were was gone in an instant, stripped from every cat that knew them… besides you and Raggedstar. It took me a long time to piece together from my fragmented memory who they were. I still do not know their name or face, but I know I cared for them more than I cared about Shadowclan. They were the one thing that kept me from running away. They were why I fought for respect and was a, quote, 'happy' apprentice. They were the reason I chose to exist. Even when I forgot them, I chose to live for them and become the strongest. I became deputy. I would have been happy with that, but there still was the unanswered question of why the memory of them vanished. I even figured out whoever they were was going to confess to me, but the opportunity never came." Brokenstar mewed wistfully before his face scrunched up with hate.
"I needed my answer. I knew Raggedstar knew it. I took him out on a private patrol to question who was this friend was that I'd once had, and how had they somehow disappeared from even memory. Do you know what he said?" Brokenstar's voice was icily cold as he continued. "'I should have never let him close to you.' I could see it in his eyes. He was the reason my friend vanished. Those words. He never wanted my happiness. As a clan leader, he was an emissary of Starclan itself. Erasing a cat is not within the means of a mortal. It was Starclan who did it. I killed him then and there. Standing over his corpse, I heard whispers from the darkness, cats who'd also been wronged by Starclan. They granted me my nine lives, wrath, greed, ambition, desire, vengeance, ruthlessness, relentlessness, apathy, and deceit. As long as I yet live, Shadowclan will not know peace. The day I die, I will join those who whispered to me the truth, and we will bring about the end. So, keep pretending you facsimile of a cat. I will bring about my justice." Brokenstar, in a twisted sense of vindication mewed before turning away.
Yellowfang was speechless. How could she respond to that? Brokentail's choices made sense in that context, but at the same time, she couldn't believe that Starclan would or even could erase a cat from existence. Starclan could send dreams, see prophecies, and sometimes create omens, but to warp even a single cat's mind was beyond their scope. Who were these whispers Brokentail swore allegiance to? Could they have been the culprit? No. If they were more powerful than Starclan, then they wouldn't act with such deception. Then how could an apprentice simply be erased? The question itched at the back of her mind, as if she had the answer but just couldn't dredge it up. Eventually, she put the question out of her mind. It wouldn't do to be distracted by the ravings of a mad cat.