A/N - A late Christmas present for my sister. We were talking Zelda lore, and she asked me the difference between Ganondorf and Ganon. Sometimes Ganon is an incomplete resurrection, and sometimes Ganondorf becomes Ganon when he decides to be a sore loser, so we thought that Ganon is just a part of Ganondorf (hence incomplete resurrection). So, if Ganon is the pig-beast-monster part of Ganondorf, what about the Dorf half of the name? Thus, the birth of our weird brain-child, the aggressively normal and pathetic Gerudo dude named Dorf who wants nothing more than to be evil but also absolutely sucks at it. He is king only by virtue of being a dude because literally everyone hates his wimpy butt. Why not throw this perfect character into a crackfic, just to see where it goes?
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Dorf is the mighty king of the Gerudo. One of the most powerful men in the world. A ruler of a race of warrior-women. A man to be feared by all.
"KING DORF! THE F— CUCCOS GOT OUT AGAIN!"
Dorf made a sour face and left his (definitely not tiny, his people did the best they could do) throne to catch the stupid Cuccos for the third time today. Seriously, why did Rabi steal all those Cuccos? And why did his people decide to gift the stolen Cuccos to him? AND WHY DO THEY ALWAYS MAKE HIM CATCH THEM?! Dorf groaned and resigned himself to the unfortunate fate of wrestling Cuccos until his eyes got pecked out, inevitably losing one, and being made to dress like a chicken for a hour or so to "replace the lost one" before inevitably being dragged back to his stupid royal duties. Come on! Dorf just wants to conquer the world, but he's too busy dying by Cucco to form a game plan!
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"But flint is just so uncommon around here, and I just need a few more pieces, but I just can't leave my shop to go gather it! I realize this is a difficult request, but you must be patient!"
Dorf stared tiredly at the jeweler in front of him.
"You've been running your shop just fine for the last three years. There doesn't appear to be a lack of flint."
"But for a piece as important as this, skimping on the details is nothing but an insult! I've never had enough flint at one time to create the piece, and what little flint I get has to go to keeping the shop in business!"
It's an insult to have been waiting this long, but she's the best jeweler in town and Dorf had wanted the best he could get. He groans and waves her away.
"Fine. More time. But start at least setting aside some flint whenever you can spare it, or at least buy more than you need. I'm getting a bit impatient for you to finally get around to making my crown!"
"Thank you, sir! It will be the most beautiful crown you've ever laid eyes on!"
Dorf doubts it. The jeweler was barely suppressing a grin, and the guard she stopped to whisper to on her way out is snickering so badly it's a wonder the captain of the guards hasn't at least tried to preserve a semblance of decorum by stopping her.
"I don't care if she doesn't have enough flint, I'm laying down the law on her next time!"
"That's what you say every time, sir."
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"If I may be so bold, sir... "
"You may not."
She continued, undeterred.
"It's rather strange that you've managed to remain unmarried up to this point. As the literal only male in this entire city populated solely by women who go so far as to travel the world in search of a husband, and the king of said city, have you never had a successful date?"
"It's not my fault the women are too intimidated by me!"
The captain looked less than impressed. Dorf held her stare like a good, strong king. At least, until he had a great idea.
"Then why don't I just follow Gerudo tradition? Leave town in search of the perfect wife, and... "
"No."
"What do you mean, no?! I'm the king!"
"Exactly. You have to stay here because you've got king... stuff... to do."
So much for hope. He was totally going to abandon his king duties and go conquer the world, because he was getting nowhere here, but obviously the captain wasn't done steamrolling his wounded pride. Maybe he could just slip out regardless. Of course, the captain would totally increase security when she caught him (which was the most likely possibility here. The captain and Gerudo guards are not to be taken lightly), so he'd only have one shot. And he's just a tad... out of shape... from being king! He's not fat, but he's a noodle-arms from being king!
Or maybe he could still manage to convince his people to follow him into glory? The Gerudo are generally peaceful with their neighbors, but they are a warrior people, and they do have a sacred duty to follow their king. Although they usually don't let him get more than a couple words out before they let him know the Cuccos escaped again... No matter! He is the king! He'll show them exactly who's in charge!
Dorf cleared his throat, ready to inspire his loyal subjects.
"We are warriors! Is it not time for us to live up to that name? Imagine, the Gerudo in charge of the beautiful, lush lands of Hyrule! I would not have to go on a journey for a wife, because women would be throwing themselves at my feet! Castle Town, with only Gerudo women inside it! Those snivelling royals with their holy powers and divine right to rule shall cower at our feet!"
"Only women?"
"Yes, of course. It is our law, after all!"
The captain rubbed her chin thoughtfully.
"Yes, I suppose it is."
And that's how Dorf found himself thrown out of his own city. Of course, he was rather upset (tried to sneak back in and demanded for the law to be changed multiple times), and certainly wasn't eager to stick around out here for long. Life was... oddly easier outside of Gerudo Town, since he knew how to survive the desert just as well as any Gerudo and didn't have to deal with his subjects' "presents", but there just so happened to be an entourage led by the Hyrulean princess coming sometime in the next few days, and it would be mortifying to have to greet them in this condition. Especially since he's out here because he proposed conquering Hyrule, and that'd be really awkward to explain to the princess.
But all thoughts of dignity practically flew out of Dorf's mind the moment he saw the entourage. He practically flung himself toward them in his excitement to start the conversation!
"I have never seen a creature half as incredible as you! Would you do me the great honor of having a duel with me?"
The Princess looked flustered.
"Ah, well, I'm very flattered, but I'm not much of a fighter. If you'll excuse me, we have some important business to attend to-"
"Not you."
As the Princess spluttered, Dorf turned to the gorgeous knight accompanying her and planted himself firmly down on one knee.
"You are the most incredible being I have ever laid eyes on! I have spent my life surrounded by women, but none have even a fraction of your beauty! If you would, oh beautiful and noble knight, would you perhaps join me in my conquest? Together, we shall rule the world!"
The knight blinked down at him. The Princess freaked.
"Link! Clearly this man is delusional! We should leave him be and continue on our way!"
"Link! That is your name! I am Dorf, the future ruler of the world, and I would be overjoyed if you would allow me to pamper you with all the riches we shall acquire together! Our names shall combine to create the new name of our kingdom!"
The flawless knight blinked again and pulled out a... checklist. He shrugged.
"Sure. I haven't tried conquest yet."
"LINK!"
As the Princess descended into a panic and tried to drag her knight away, Dorf grabbed his hand to start a tug-of-war. Which didn't last long, as Link apparently didn't care for being a makeshift rope in this game and pulled out a bomb. The Princess immediately ducked away and Link cleanly pulled Dorf up in a piggyback ride to hightail it away.
"So you said you'd name the kingdom after us?"
"Yes! How does the Kingdom of Dink sound?"
"Perfect."