All the compiled files, all the pieces gathered together, and only one obstacle in my way... my father's way of doing things was slow and methodical but we didn't need slow or methodical. Dabi's got friends now, and if I let him go again then Nemuri and I won't ever know peace.
So here I am practically buzzing with energy. Wanting to protect my wife and our new life from that villain. Nemuri stirs awake and I turn towards her as she sits up.
"Mmmmm? What's up, hon?" She yawns and rubs her eyes, "Are you feeling better already?"
"Yeah." I say, "At least... less scream-crying in a little ball and more numb to it." I give her a soft smile and she shakes her head.
"Koyurei..." she sighs, "I worry about you too, y'know?" her hand reaches out and grabs my arm.
"You shrug it off every time it happens, you run from it, and... and I'm worried that you're doing it all over again." she says, "So please, when we get back home, go see Dr. Shinsou."
"I'm fine. I talked to an old friend of mine, she's got a break in the ca-"
"Shut the fuck up about that case!" she snaps with fire in her blue eyes, "You're not a hero anymore, Koyurei!" I shirk away and she softens immediately.
"Oh god, I'm sorry- I..." she reaches for me and I nod.
"No. No, you're right. I'm not. But he's coming after us, Nemuri. Coming after all we built together." I look into her eyes, "It's my responsibility to take care of you and Sushi and... and if we have a kid..."
She pulls me back down towards her and holds me close, "Sometimes I wonder if being a hero is worth it." she confesses, "I mean I lost my mentor, my best friend, and you're holding together now but..."
"You're scared I'll fully break, right?" I look up at her and she nods.
"Yeah, I'm just... waiting for everything to blow up in my face again." she gives me a watery smile and her voice warbles, "Like it always does."
"Nemuri..." this time I'm the one holding her as she cries, "It's okay. I won't go anywhere."
"It's just every time you break down, I wonder 'is this it?' 'Is my husband gone like they are?'" She's clinging to me like I'm the last thing she has left, "I just... I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be abandoned by you or the public or- or..."
I run my hand through her soft royal purple hair and she just cries into my chest. I hold her until she stops crying. No words or assurances. Just... warmth. Just my flames coursing through me telling her all I could say.
I'm not leaving her.
I'm not giving up.
I love you. I love you so much.
Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every second.
"We're both hurt, aren't we?" I ask.
"Yeah..." she mumbles, "We are."
I kiss her on the lips and taste the salt and feel her scarred body press against my own. The way she curls into me almost like she could fit in even though she was taller and stronger. I let her move back when she's ready.
She straddles my waist, her red eyes and puffy cheeks not making her any less beautiful. She smiles and I bask in her a little more. Nemuri and I end up coming out of her room to her family all laughing and being together.
Nemuri slips her hand into mine and we join in.
When we get home, there's just this moment of laying back down on our bed and just lying there for a bit. Then it's back to normal. Nemuri handling something at the Sky Egg, then the Queen Bee stuff, I just stayed home running support.
But it was a good life. A quiet one where there were no flames and no screaming. No poor things and no problems. Just finding small joys. Sushi and I being there for Nemuri when she comes home. Everything was just settling back into waiting for the next explosion. The next big incident that hurts us. We just like the pain, two masochists with her acting like a sadist. But here I am prepping things for dinner like every night.
Normal.
Safe.
But it's like I don't have a place anymore. Like my purpose was to just die out as a hero and become part of society in a different way. Like a square cog in a round cog machine. Or I was completely and utterly my own person now.
Like there's a manual for that. I pet Sushi and he bumps into my hand just to leap onto my shoulders. he flops down and I wind him a little around my neck. Yeah, it's a good life. I have a cat and a hot wife. What else do I need? I need a lot more than that. I need a ton more than that. It's like every second and moment I need to be doing something. Like I need a house, a wife, kids, a car... I just... I don't know if I want that. It's what they tell us ever since we're little. Everything around us.
But I cook, I clean, and I love my wife. Somehow that's wrong. Somehow I'm wrong for wanting this. Somehow I'm wrong for wanting something more than money or more than giving myself completely.
I wanted to have my wife and I live life. Not run ourselves ragged for a system that's more than eager to kill her once she's outlived her time. She's almost on her way out. My brother... my damnable brother. I fucking hate him. He thinks he has something to say. He thinks he can just set things on fire and get my attention, and I'd just let him do whatever he wants? Dad's actions made him like this. Made him almost kill me.
Convinced him he was special. That he was the heir to everything. That he'd be the one on top but here I am. Former top sidekick that stepped away because he couldn't take the heat anymore. That the pieces were all in place to bring down my father.
Here's the funny thing...
I couldn't care less.
I almost want to end him myself because he almost killed me. But that wouldn't fix anything or make it better. It'd just make me live with the weight that I killed him on my back. Why would I ever want to do that?
I cook the food and just focus on that. Nemuri'll be home soon. Little did I know that she'll be home in a big way. The door opens just as I'm about to set the table and-
"Honey, I'm home!" she calls and I ease towards the table. She comes in and hugs me from behind. I lean into her embrace and she kisses me on the cheek.
"How was your day, sweetie?" she asks, "Are you feeling better?"
"Yeah, I'm just fine." I state, "Just normal things have happened and all that." She sits down across from me and we both just eat. The normalcy we sink back into isn't too bad but I expect to roll over and see the lamp flickering on and off.
Or be unable to read the words in the book I'm reading. The point is I thought this was all a dream. That uneasy feeling never really left me at all. It seeps into me, creeps into my chest cold as ice.
It seeps into dreams.
How I can barely remember them and how uncertain they are. How I swear up and down that I'm dreaming but I'm never too sure. It was my fault, I'm sure it was. I didn't care about Dabi's answer to it but I cared about my own.
When I wake up, Nemuri's up before me getting ready for the day. She smiles as she sees me get out of bed.
"Remember: You have an appointment, mister." she gives me a pointed look before grabbing my shoulders and kissing me fiercely on the cheek.
"Yeah, I know." I hug her tightly, "I love you."
"I love you too, babe." she answers as I leave.
I'm back in Dr. Shinsou's office and his tired purple eyes meet my bright blue, "Okay, I'm going to pull from that day at Sekoto. Remember you can always tell me to stop by saying the stop word, and it is?"
"Theta." I answer.
"Great, now. just try to sleep and we'll see what you remember."
I just try to keep my eyes closed and try to will myself into deeper sleep. Just to ward it off but it keeps blaring at me like a neon sign. So here I am in between waking and sleeping just trying to order it all.
That day... how do I remember it...?
Touya pokes my face, "Koyu... Koyu!" he hisses. My eyes snap open and there's my brother over me, "I have an idea." his smile is normal and everything seems okay? I guess? I sit up and rub my eyes.
"Touya, it's real early..." I groan.
"Yeah! But that's what makes it so great!" he exclaims, "So c'mon! I have a surprise!"
Back then I wanted nothing more than to be with my brother. That we could do anything as long as we were together and we were at the same place at the same time. That Dad's whole dream didn't mean anything.
I take his hand and he leads me out into the hall, "Dad'll freak when he sees what we can do, he won't even need Shoto after today." he hisses with a grin.
"You sure?" I ask.
"Positive." he says and we get our shoes on. Of course we had to be quiet because Mom and Dad could wake up and find us. But I wish they would now. Maybe they could've stopped him. But when that's done Touya grabs my hand and slides back the door.
"Alright, let's go." he whispers.
"But Touya, what about Mom's rule?" I tug back on his hand and he looks at me with a snarky grin.
"What *about* Mom's rule? She doesn't get us, or Dad's heroism." he huffs, "Do you wanna be a wuss like Natsuo and Fuyumi?" his smile completely drops and there's that chill again.
"No!" I squeak like it'd be a mortal sin if I didn't go. His smile comes back and he grabs my hand again.
"Good! Now come on, let's jet!" he pulls me along behind him and we both take off running towards the peak. Of course being a pair of thirteen year old kids we had a sense of adventure. It was an almost adventure like the old movies Mom would show us. The scene around me and Dr. Shinsou shifts to when we're on the peak itself. The month was bone dry, not a drop of rain for weeks and everything was tinder by then. Touya lets go of my hand and his grin falls a little.
"So what's the surprise, Touya?" I ask, "Because if I walked all the way up here with you I-"
"Don't worry, Koyurei. Just watch!" he lights up his hands and adds the flames to one of his hands, but it turns bright blue, "See?! I can do this now!"
"Uhhh, Touya? I don't think you should do that..." I mumble, backing up but he keeps pressing forward.
"What's the matter, Koyurei? Just try it! You gotta have it too!" his smile goes from nice to menacing in no time flat, "Come on, do it!" my own flames answer for me and he grins. We train, anteing up the pot until at some point...
He lashes his flames out at me, and they catch the trees alight. I stagger towards him trying to grab him to stop it myself but-
It hurts.
It hurts so bad.
Mom, I'm sorry. I tried to save him.
My arms break and fleck off into ashes, and my coughs are ragged and hard. My legs crumble away and I can't feel anything. All I can do is watch the blue flames climb higher and higher. Licking, eating, and cleansing all I am and all I was.
"To... uya...! To... I..." the flames eat my vocal chords. Still reaching for him. His face is blank until it twists into a mask of pure fear. That's all it was. A mask.
I come out of the mind dive with a new realization and Dr. Shinsou panting and gasping from the stress of what he went through. He stares at me almost like he knew what was coming but it still rattled him to his core.
"Are you okay?" I ask, "I understand if you need a break."
Dr. Shinsou smiles, "No. I believe that's major progress. However I know your brother is a sore spot for you and finding out he did that could be difficult to swallow." I close my eyes and sigh as the thoughts keep screaming at me that we should be finding him and doing the job right.
"I've had thoughts about killing him. About making the decision and taking it out of my wife's hands." I say, "She's a hero, I should let it go, and I should focus on... on other things." My voice shakes and I dry my eyes.
"I just wish it hadn't happened to me. Just him." my voice stalls, "I burned, got healed, and then forced through all this wonderful life to bear the fucking scars of what I saw and felt." gazing down at the tough white scars on my hands and arms.
"My mother looked at me with *fear.* Doctor. Pure fear. I was a kid." my voice lowers, "I was a damn kid and my mother looked at me like I was a monster. Like my siblings were monsters."
"I saw my father become a monster, a blazing thing that just beat down on me and my baby brother until we couldn't do it anymore." my gaze locks with Dr. Shinsou's, "I didn't want to be a hero."
"What did you want to be, Koyurei?" he segues, "Because I'm sure when you were a kid you didn't want to be this."
"I wanted to be... an astronaut." I smile to myself, "I wanted to go to the moon and plant my feet there just to say 'I did it.' Then go home and be a bigger hero because I went to the *moon!*"
"So why did you become a hero?" he cocks his head to the side almost like he's confused but I guess it wouldn't make sense.
"You saw. I wanted to become a hero because everything was falling apart. I wanted to hold my siblings and parents together by becoming the dream my father obsessed over and now that it's gone..." my hands clench into fists and all I can think about is how much I wanted to take that back.
Accept that I was a failure and step away but all I remembered the day I went back was seeing Shoto so sad and dejected knowing that he'd be alone. That my little brother would be alone like I was on that mountaintop burning away.
"It's like you're gone yourself." he writes something down, "But now all you have to do is find where you're at right now. What can you do?"
"Well, my wife's going to be teaching at UA come next semester." my voice brightens and I raise my head, "I can support her in that! Maybe we'll have a kid soon? I don't know, but maybe once we all get settled." my therapist smiles and I get to my feet.
"That's good to have goals, Koyurei." he says.
I look at him and crack the most relieved smile I ever smiled in a long time.
I'm on the right track.