Recalling the distant memory, Mitsuki chuckled as she dispersed her divine form. It felt like it had been ages since she met the two siblings. It had indeed, been seven years, and she couldn't help but wonder about what had become of the two boys. Then Mitsuki came to realise.. Weirdly, she knew that if she happened to recall the same event just slightly past seven months prior, she wouldn't have thought of it in such a distant manner. It was either because of her regained memory, or..
"I've changed so much, my past-self felt like a distant memory," even further than her time as Inaba, maybe because her current self is closer to how "Inaba" was, compared to how "Mitsuki" was. An odd, unexplainable feeling filled Mitsuki's heart. Was it nostalgia, was it melancholy, or was it unresolved feelings of regret? She was not so sure herself. And so, Mitsuki continued to walk aimlessly, while doing some self-reflecting.
"Family, huh.." Mitsuki muttered as she tried to remember what else had she learned from her time with the siblings. "Bonds.." she thought, her feet kicked a pebble in front of her away while walking. What he had between her, Itachi, and Kisame, between her and Aida.. "Was it the bond that they meant? Then, how does it differ from family bond?" thought Mitsuki, unconsciously walking towards where the kicked pebble landed as she continued to ponder. Indeed, for all of them, they bonded through shared hardship and shared experience, but so was she and the old-man.. Despite everything, there was indeed a bond between them, however..
Does it still counts as a bond, when they never truly understood each other? As she asked herself, Mitsuki thought, if there were one thing that differentiate her new bonds between her and those she cared about to the old one she made with the old-man, it was the shared understanding and feelings between them.
"I guess, even until the end, we've never really become family..," said Mitsuki as she recalled her last moments with old-man Bocchon in pain. Even until the last minute, she had never understood him, what he think of her, how he felt, what made him the way he was..
"But even so, those kids as well.." there was so little things shared between her and the kids, other than talk about culinary, cultures, and shinobi politics, yet.. Mitsuki thought to herself. To her, those kids felt more precious. Even if there were a lot lesser time spent and shared together and not as much hardship as she had been through with them as compared to the old hunter.
"Like the old man, they are also not my family," thought Mitsuki. "We didn't knew each other for long, just brief exchange, but.." even short as it was, it felt a lot more intimate than any conversation Mitsuki have ever had with the old man during those few years in the past.
"They shared with me their dream, their wishes, story of their lives.. They trusted me and appreciated me, they opened up to me, and I…"
It was a short bond, but for a while, through the shared respect, and so she prayed for their dream, wished for their future, looking forward to their growth.. yet..
Even so, knowing all of it.. She cut it, with her own hand. Their bonds. Their life. Their future… Forever, irreparable..
It was as if her heart was stabbed with a knife, once more. It was painful enough that she halted her step, her feet kicked the pebbles one last time, sending it into the river, forever gone along with the river's current, just like her bond with the young shinobis.
Then, it hit Mitsuki. For her, it was not about being a family, the time spent, nor was it about blood ties either or how long she had known them.
When bonds were created, it was as if a thread, connecting two people. For them to manifest, it had to be a mutual effort, mutual willingness and openness to know and understand more about each other. As interaction goes, as understanding grows, the thread thickens. So does when they shared more of themselves and accept more of the others, it got stronger, until eventually it becomes tougher and tougher. Harder to cut, tougher to forget, too prominent to dismiss. That was why her memory of her clan which she had lost so many years in the past, and her memory with the villagers of the mountain range, felt fresher to her than her recent memories. Not just because she had only recently re-experienced them, but it was also because of the bond she formed with those people far outweighed her bond with the old-man.
When things are pit together like that, the threads of bond are more akin to blood veins, akin to an organ which connects people's heart and soul. It can be cut, but the thicker the bond, the harder it is to cut, and.. being an organ, a part, an extension of someone, the more painful it felt when such a vital organ was cut. However, as long as both party lived on, with enough effort, it can heal, and be reconnected, but..
Death.. severs a bond forever. It severs the connection, along with its future. Every possible branches, every possible path… There was no mending it, as there were no more things to exchange.
And yet.. by delivering their death… she had chosen to cut off the bonds which she and the genins had forged together, selfishly, with her own hand..
Upon the thoughts, Mitsuki's hand trembled.
Trying to ignore the feeling that suffocated her, Mitsuki took another step towards the river, without knowing her next destination or what she wanted to do next. She thought of just letting her feet carries her wherever, even though she felt like that it was the wrong thing to do. She had her task, her mission.. Yet there she was, moping around aimlessly, lost in her own thoughts..
"Sorry, Itachi-kun.. Kisame.. I just.. can't.." guilt filled Mitsuki's heart as she thought to herself, recalling her recent conversation to both Itachi and Kisame.
"I don't forget what staying with you and Kisame entails.." said Mitsuki to Itachi, as he expressed concern over her situation.
Indeed, she didn't forget, but she was too ashamed to admit that she was not prepared for what had happened, even if she should be. After all, they were fugitives, and among those who would chase them, were innocent people.. She could try her best to not harm anyone, but sometimes.. her best wouldn't be enough..
"Shut up, I know already," she said to Kisame, as he reminded her to not put too much emotion into their duty.
She knew, indeed.. but she was not ready to admit how much it affected her, how much she had failed to keep hers in check, letting it affect her duties.
Thinking back, she felt like she had talked big, all along pretending to be strong, to be calm, to be reasonable and wise, but inside.. More than anyone else, she knew that she was still a mess, and sometimes she felt like she didn't even really understand herself, even though she should have.
As Mitsuki's becoming more lost and lost in her emotions, in her thoughts, she couldn't help but thought of Itachi's struggle. "Itachi-kun.. how could you power yourself through all this," thought Mitsuki, as she was reminded on Itachi's cruel mission and how lost he must have been, being as young as he was, yet subjected to such a cruel fate. She couldn't help but wondered, even before that point in his life, what kind of mission had he suffered through. It was clear to her now, that as shinobi, sometimes to survive, they have to take another's life, or lose theirs. Just like what Old Man Bocchon said, it was a world of to eat or be eaten, and no doubt Itachi had seen such a situation countless times in his life. Despite being a kind person he was, he was forced into a situation where he had to hurt others to survive.
For "Mitsuki", her past-self had rationalized the cruel law of the world, and hence she was able to kill without remorse previously.. However, meeting Itachi had changed her. She had learned the value of life from him, hence she had learned to value them like he did.. Even so, the fact that the world itself didn't change even as her perspective had changed, was threatening to break her heart.
"I.. don't know which one is right anymore.. Which one is better.. Was changing a mistake, was staying how I was a mistake? I… Itachi-kun.. I don't know anymore…" Mitsuki felt her tears welling up once more, and she lowered herself to a crouch.
She felt horrible, anxious, and lonely. She really didn't want to be alone in such state, yet Kisame indeed needed his rest, and she didn't want to trouble Itachi further after he had accompanied her for so long on the previous night. She knew if she showed him how troubled she still actually was, he would become even more worried about her. "He's such a worrywart after all.." Mitsuki thought sadly with a frown, as she was unable to foster a smile anymore. She then tried her best to suppress the pain in her hearts, yet it was not long until Mitsuki was absorbed back to her thoughts, dwelling in her regrets.
"I'm supposed to be guiding the humanity, protecting them.. Yet.. I ended up taking their lives.. Hurting those who I meant to protect.. But if I didn't, I would jeopardize the lives and plans of others I care about.. I.. what should I do.." Mitsuki spoke softly, her words turned into a pained whisper.
"Amaterasu-sama, is this the kind of pain you had to face? How long have you been facing this on your own?" she asked, without actually expecting an answer. Inaba used to say that she understood her struggle, how by helping one side would mean abandoning the other. He said she understood her pain, however, it seemed that those were barely scratching the surface. Hence, she had never truly comprehended why Amaterasu chose to do what she did, to vow to stop on intervening with the humanity. Logically, she understood her reasoning and respected it, but she, who had never experienced the actual weight of it, thought that she could do differently. Only now, Mitsuki felt everything personally, and it tortured her.. Worse, what she had been through was probably only on such a small scale compared to what both Amaterasu and Itachi had been through.
Amaterasu, who loved all humanity equally, yet had to witness them continuously hurting each other, unable to take a side. Itachi, who had always been aware, as young as he was, knew that the world was a cruel, bleak place, yet he had retained his beautiful heart even as he was being forced to live right in the centre of the cruel world they were in, and never stopped trying his best to change it. Yet, despite so, everything was forcibly taken away from him, the burden of sins forced unto his shoulder. How much pain and heartbreak he had been through, Mitsuki couldn't dare to comprehend, and her heart ached for him.
Then, she realized, that the reason why she, as Inaba could easily say that she would guide humanity fairly, equally, was because she was only observing them from afar, keeping a certain distance between her and the reality of the mortals as she advised them from the security, confinement of her shrine. Even up until her last memory as Inaba, during her travel, she remained a physically close, yet emotionally distant deity, who saw humanities as her subject, not as the individual person they were, with their own daily lives and intimate struggles. Yet now, having experienced life among humans as Mitsuki, having known several people closely, having understood the intricacy of human emotion, having to realise the weight that each of them carries, she could no longer maintained her distance to see them objectively, not anymore. Maybe that's why she felt pain, more than ever. Maybe that's also why, she felt at a loss, more than ever.
And then, it came to her, why Itachi had insisted on putting a distance as he observed everyone he cared about from afar, objectively. Without question, his care for them was genuine, like how Inaba genuinely cared for humanity. But unlike Inaba, he was closer to them, and he felt their pain as fellow humans, as the victim of the system in the cruel world. Then, she came to wonder, why despite him knowing so, as he saw Mitsuki's coldness, Itachi wanted her to change and taught her in such way, reprimanding her for her logical yet heartless decision to take someone's life. So, did Itachi bring all this pain upon her? "No, that's not true," she thought. In the end, to change was her own decision, and she could never blame Itachi for her pain. It wasn't fair that way. However, it remains a fact, that her change was indeed possible because of Itachi's guidance, even as he himself had decided to be a distant observer.
So, why? Why did he allow him so, to teach her, and make her aware, despite knowing the pain that would come with it?
Recalling her conversations with Itachi, his self-blame, his self-hate.. It came to Mitsuki, that Itachi had regretted the person he had become, the decision he had picked. Again, she wondered why. No one could blame him for being the way he was, for what he did. No one had the right. After all, he was a shinobi, and what he did, he did it for the world. Instead, it would make more sense for him to be cold and logical, considering the things that he and the other shinobi would have to face. Without maintaining the distance, he too would suffer even more. Then, the answer came to Mitsuki naturally, as she remembered herself, how she felt like a monster who couldn't understand human, how she hated her past self who could nonchalantly decide to accept the conclusion that would cause the loss of a lot of life coldly, and calmly.
Also, she remembered what Itachi had said to her as a response when she conveyed her struggle the previous night.
"Then, aren't you becoming more and more human now?" said Itachi, smiling.
Within his expression, Mitsuki saw satisfaction and respect even if there was a sliver of uncertainty in his expression. Then, it dawned on her as she pieced everything together..
Itachi saw himself in Mitsuki's past self, and that's why he dreaded it. He didn't want her to be like him, he didn't want her to end up with the same regret. That's why he kept pushing her away, keep asking her to reconsider her choice of following him, keep worrying about her motivation.. He didn't want her to take the path that he took, and wished for her to take a different path altogether.
Warmth crept unto Mitsuki's heart, enveloping her as the realisation hit her. Truthfully, she was still feeling lost. None of her question had been answered, and she was still looking for an answer to them, but..
Somehow, knowing that she was not alone in her struggle, gave her comfort and an unexplainable mix of emotion.
Itachi too, had struggled, had doubted his decisions, and had questioned himself. Even so, amidst his struggle, he tried his best for her, cared for her, and wanted the best for her. It might not have been truly selfless, but still.. he had no obligation to do so much for her.. She who was nobody, a monster that he had happened to come across, someone that he didn't have to care about, someone who whimsically put herself in his care, selfishly inserting herself into his already troubled life..
"This is bad.." Mitsuki thought to herself, as warmth continuously flowed throughout her body, and slowly filled her eyes with affection and painted a soft blush on her face as she felt a sense of longing like never before. "I.. miss him already.." she thought to herself, as a tender feeling filled her heart.. With it, she continued upon her path with a lighter step than it was before.
When Kisame had finally woken up, night had already fallen. Upon looking behind him, there was no more sign of Mitsuki anywhere in the room.
"Oh my, she really left.." Kisame thought to himself as he scratched his head, feeling bad over ignoring her despite her plea in his exhaustion. Thinking about how he can make it up to her somehow next time, Kisame prepared himself to continue ahead with his mission's duty. Also, remembering what had transpired the previous night, Kisame vowed to take extra care not to stand out on his information gathering attempt from then on. Then, maybe, there would be no need for any more, unnecessary bloodshed. Somehow, he couldn't help but remember the pain in Mitsuki's expression as she looked for Itachi and him for alternative solution. Even as a seasoned shinobi as he was, seeing Mitsuki's grief reminded him a bit of the emotion he had long abandoned. He didn't regret losing those emotion of his, but..
"Hang in there, Oujou-chan," thought Kisame, slightly worried about the mental state of the girl, yet somehow, he also wished that she would never change.
"Found him," Itachi thought to himself as he spotted someone with a massive amount of chakra among the crowd. As he tried his best to maintain his distance, Itachi tried to vaguely determine his appearance by examining the holder's circulating chakra's shape against the crowd surrounding him, trying to get a rough idea on his look and his identity. How he could do so, he felt that he owed Mitsuki and her knack of socialization for it. Even as Pain had already briefed them upon the general information of the Jinchuurikis, the detail of their appearance was still vague and figuring it out had to be the assigned member's task. Based on the information that Mitsuki provided, Itachi was quite sure that the one he saw was the Jinchuuriki of the Five Tailed Beast, instead of the Four Tail which happened to be Kisame's assignment. At first glance, it was obvious that the sitting holder had quite a large build, just like how the genins had described to her about the Five Tail's holder.
"Now then, what do I do?" he pondered. As he had previously decided on, he would have to act upon it, or relay the information to Akatsuki while keeping an eye on the target. Problem was, it would probably take time for the assigned party to reach the location, and therefore, it would be a long period of surveillance. Normally he could just close his eye as soon as he relayed the relevant information, but somewhere, he worried if it would be enough for him to prove his loyalty to Akatsuki and gain back their trust completely after what had transpired previously in Konoha and his successful attempt of leaking and spreading information about Akatsuki.
After weighing upon a few course of action, Itachi decided to keep an eye on the Jinchuuriki until the trio's next planned meeting while figuring out on what else he could do. Then, there might be a chance that he would be able to figure something out, whether by himself, or with Mitsuki's help.
As he thought about discussing on the matter with her, Itachi was reminded on their conversation the previous night and couldn't help but worry about her mental state. She seemed to be better by the time they split up, but somehow it just didn't felt right, as if something was off. Wondering if indeed like Mitsuki told him, that he was just being a worrywart who tends to overthink things, Itachi decided to shove his worries aside and put his trust on her that she will be able to get through it just fine. Laughing upon himself who could only worry constantly, whether it was about Sasuke or Mitsuki alike, Itachi decided to went ahead with his surveillance.
Author's note:
Writing about them separately is quite tough ugh cos there's not much dynamic to be interpreted when they are all just focused on what's ahead of them. :') gosh quickly gather back, guys.. (said the writer)
Gosh this chapter took so long to write and rewrite… When I first write this, my mental state was in a mess, like how Mitsuki was, and my sentences were all over the place. It does convey her stress and frustration, but I felt that it was quite hard to read, and I ended up rereading this chapter again and again, reframing and rearranging the words for it to make more sense. After all, she might be confused, but the reader shouldn't suffer through the same thing :')
Hope it's enjoyable even though it's quite heavy on regret and mental struggle. Mitsuki is such a flawed girl, after all. But she will always try her best, despite all odds.. even at the expense of herself..