Chapter 16 - Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow
Elizabeth found a quiet, dark room not far from the ballroom. The heavy velvet curtains were drawn, muffling the distant sounds of music and laughter. A single candle flickered on a side table, casting long shadows across the ornate wallpaper.
She was not sure how long she spend in the room on her own. She could not understand why she was so upset. She had been enjoying dancing with Mr Darcy, but why had Mr Collins and Lady Catherine come all of the way from Kent? She felt like she did when she was a little girl and her father had scolded her for doing what she should not have done, or her mother had told her off for doing something unladylike, such as getting mud on her new dress.
But she had done nothing wrong. She was permitted to dance with other gentlemen. There had been nothing to scold her for this time. There was no mud on her dress. She had been behaving just as her mother wanted her to. She was engaged to Mr Collins and she had done nothing to jeopardise that, she knew there was little hope that she would be able to get out of marrying him, but then why did she feel so guilty? The answer to this question eluded her.
Elizabeth's guilt stemmed not just from her actions, but from her very thoughts. While she had made no promises of love to Mr Collins, she had agreed to marry him. Didn't that agreement demand a certain loyalty of mind as well as body? The fact that her thoughts so easily strayed to Mr Darcy felt like a betrayal, even if it was one no one else could see.
As irrational as it seemed, Elizabeth couldn't help but feel that her innocent enjoyment of Mr Darcy's company might somehow lead to disaster. What if Mr Collins broke off the engagement? What would become of her family then? The weight of these potential consequences pressed down on her, transforming into a guilt she couldn't shake.
Once she had calmed down enough she left to rejoin the party. She checked her appearance in a mirror, her eyes were slightly red, but she hoped no one would notice since there was nothing she could do about it.
She entered the bustling ballroom, filled with dancing couples. Crystal chandeliers cast a warm glow over the polished floor, the air thick with perfume and exertion. Jane was standing with Miss Bingley, Mr Bingley was dancing with Lady Rowena, Colonel Fitzwilliam and Miss Darcy were also dancing. There was no sign of Lady Catherine, Mr Collins, her mother or Mr Darcy, which was a relief.
Elizabeth decided to join her sister. Jane smiled brightly when she saw her.
"I wondered where you had gone, I hadn't seen you since you were dancing with Mr Darcy." Jane said.
Miss Bingley turned slightly white as Jane spoke. But she turned to Elizabeth with a smile of her own. "Was that Mr Collins I saw earlier? I didn't realise he was joining us this evening?"
"He joined us rather unexpectedly." Elizabeth said, looking at Jane, who looked more than a little surprised at this news. "He came with Lady Catherine, she had some business in town I believe."
"Where is he now?" Jane asked quietly.
"I'm not sure. I needed some fresh air, so I stepped out for a moment. I'm not used to spending so much time indoors," Elizabeth replied.
Miss Bingley laughed at this.
Miss Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam joined them then, both of them were slightly out of breath, but smiling. She stood next to Elizabeth and looked like she wanted to ask something, but did not dare.
"I do love a ball," the Colonel declared. "Miss Elizabeth Bennet, would you do me the honour of dancing the next," he asked her. She could see no way of declining, although she was far from feeling like dancing.
He smiled, laughed and was so good humoured that she could not help but enjoy herself. However, he had something more in mind. When the dance was over and they were getting something to drink he said very quietly she could hardly make it out.
"I'm afraid my aunt can be rather… impulsive," the Colonel said with a wry smile. "She heard some gossip about a certain gentleman's interest in you and decided to take matters into her own hands. Mr Collins, I believe, was brought along as a reminder of your engagement"
"My aunt means well, but she does not always realise what she is doing. I hope you know that the rest of us do not support her in this."
He did not say anything else on the subject and the music finished he got her a glass of lemonade.
"The heat of the ballroom he claimed was unbearable." he said as he hand it to her. She smiled her thanks and they they returned the others.
Elizabeth pondered the Colonel's words as she sipped her lemonade. Lady Catherine's impulsive nature seemed to have set a complex series of events in motion, with Mr Collins brought along as a reminder of her engagement. The realization that she was at the centre of such machinations both unsettled and frustrated her.
Miss Darcy and Miss Bingley were speaking quietly with Mrs Gardiner, who had joined them. Lady Rowena was dancing with a young man that Elizabeth did not recognise. Jane and Mr Bingley were still dancing together.
Mrs Gardiner took Elizabeth aside, "Well Lizzy, what an evening this is! Your mother is outside with Mr Collins, and your uncle is also with them."
Elizabeth coloured, but remained mute. Her aunt patted her arm gently. "Do not worry child, you have done nothing wrong. Mr Collins should not have-" She changed her mind. "You had no knowledge of his trip into town?"
"No, none." Elizabeth said simply. She was not sure why she felt so guilty, her aunt was right. She had done nothing wrong and yet she still felt guilty.
"Lady Catherine has not made many friends this evening. The Middletons are very proud people. I doubt they will forgive her arrival, without a proper invitation. She and Mr Collins will being staying with Lady Catherine's brother tonight and travel back to Kent tomorrow. Mr Collins will be joining you in Hertfordshire as planned in a few weeks. We had best say goodnight to him."
In the hall, Elizabeth shivered. The open front door revealed heavier snowfall, and a gust of winter air chilled her slippered feet on the cold marble floor.
Her uncle smiled when he saw them. "Ah, Lizzy! There you are."
Mr Collins stood a step towards her, "Elizabeth, I have been speaking to your mother and your uncle. I believe there may have been a misunderstanding. I apologise for my behaviour." He bowed slightly. "Would you do me the great honour of dancing the next with me? I must be leaving soon, but I would like to dance with you again?"
She smiled politely and accepted. He took her hand again and they returned to the ballroom and took their places in the set. They spoke little as they danced, Mr Collins did go wrong here and there and apologised most humbly.
When the dance was over he left only saying, "I will see you in Hertfordshire, in a few weeks."
ooOoo
There was no sign of Elizabeth when he entered the ballroom. Nor any sign thankfully of Mr Collins. He made his way to the drinks table and poured himself a glass of wine. His mind raced with possibilities. Had she left? Was she avoiding him? Or worse, was she with Collins? The uncertainty gnawed at him, making his usual composure difficult to maintain.
He needed time to think. His aunt was right, well partly. He could not carry on like this. Elizabeth Bennet was engaged. She would very soon be Mrs Collins. Bingley had given him hope, but it was only hope. He needed something more.
He had a choice. He could walk away from her, try to forget her. Or he could declare himself. And hoped that she would end her engagement. The thought of losing her to Collins was unbearable, yet the idea of causing her distress by his declaration filled him with equal dread. He had never felt so conflicted, so utterly at a loss. He hoped that she would, but he didn't really know what she would do.
He still did not understand why she was engaged in the first place. He had seen her at the Netherfield ball doing everything in her power to stay away from Mr Collins and then a few days later she had accepted his hand in marriage. No, it made no sense. There was something missing. Something he did not know.
His thoughts turned to that earlier that night, to how she had looked when she had entered the room. How her eyes had lit up as they were dancing together. Her expression when she saw Mr Collins standing behind his aunt. No, there was no doubt in his mind. She did not want to marry Mr Collins, but there was something making her.
He could have believed it was her mother, if Elizabeth were any other woman in England. But he could not believe that Mrs Bennet could make Elizabeth do anything she did not truly want to. His thoughts turned to her father, but he had always seemed very fond of her. No, that was not likely. He would not want her to marry Mr Collins and more than it seemed Elizabeth herself did.
He could not think of anyone who would have that much power over her, to make her marry someone who she did not want to. She was the most independent young woman he had ever met.
He had a choice to make. He did not think he could make it without more information of her motives. But more information was the one thing he was not likely to get. After that little scene he very much doubted that he would be permitted anywhere near her without one of her relations very nearby.
He finished his glass of wine and looked around the room again, this seeing Georgiana. She was standing speaking to Miss Bennet and Mr Bingley. Lady Rowena was not far away with the Colonel. He did not see Elizabeth at first, and then he saw her dancing with Mr Collins. Her face slightly turned away in embarrassment, as Mr Collins continued to misstep in the dance. His heart clenched at the sight. How could she bear it? How could he bear to watch it? The urge to intervene, to sweep her away from Collins' bumbling attempts, was almost overwhelming.
He turned away from them, knowing he would struggle to watch any longer. Lady Rowena and the Colonel greeted him, and then Richard answered his unasked question, "Lady Catherine is to go to our father's tonight. As is Mr Collins"
"And she is to return to Kent tomorrow with Mr Collins." Lady Rowena added, "we have been speaking of it. We think you should speak to the Earl."
"After he has had a chance to meet Mr Collins, of course, and once they have gone." Richard said with a smile. "I have the feeling my father will view the matter differently after he has met the man himself."
Darcy was not sure what to say. It was the polite thing to pretend that he did not know what they were speaking of, but he was relieved that they were taking his side in the matter. In the end he settled for thanking them briefly.
The dance finished and the next began. Mr Collins had released Elizabeth and he was walking towards the door. Elizabeth glanced over at him, their eyes met briefly. But both quickly looked away, he knew it was too dangerous for the moment. He decided to join Georgiana, as he had been neglecting her.
She looked at him nervously as he approached. Miss Bennet and Bingley were laughing at something Bingley had said and seemed unaware of the tension of the rest of their party.
"Ah, Darcy there you are," Bingley greeted him fondly. "We were just wondering what had become of you."
"I stepped outside for some fresh air," he replied. He remained with his sister for the rest of the ball. She danced a few more times with a few family members and close friends. Darcy however did not dance again, despite Miss Bingley's hints and hovering.
He did speak to Elizabeth once more. Georgiana wanted to say goodbye before the Bennets left and he went with her. Georgiana seemed determined. Mrs Bennet was not far away talking to Mr Bingley, she was keeping an eye on him while he spoke to her daughter.
"I understand you are leaving us, Miss Bennet." Georgiana said.
"Yes, we will return to Hertfordshire tomorrow morning."
"My brother has promised he will let me join him there later on."
Elizabeth glanced at him in surprise. He understood what she was thinking, that Wickham was in Hertfordshire.
"Only in a month or two when the weather is better," he said. Elizabeth smiled at this. "Bingley is to return to Netherfield at the end of the week."
"You are not going with him?" Georgiana sounded worried.
"I will be joining him in two weeks, I have business I need to attend to at Pemberley."
"But you will be joining us in Hertfordshire?" Elizabeth sharply. There was something in her expression that he could not read. He could not figure out if she wanted him to return or not. Georgiana looked at him quickly, waiting for his answer.
"My business may take a little longer than planned but yes, I intend to return to Hertfordshire." He said, watching for her reaction. He decided that he had said enough for the moment, her mother was clearly becoming concerned by the degree of conversation between them. Georgiana and Elizabeth talked for a few more minutes, Georgiana very boldly asked if she could write to Elizabeth. She was clearly surprised, but agreed readily and with pleasure. Mrs Bennet called for her, and Elizabeth made her adieu.
"Good evening Miss Darcy, Mr Darcy." Their eyes met again, she smiled slightly.
"Good evening Miss Elizabeth." He said bowing to her, he wanted to take her hand and say more. But settled for "Until we meet again, Miss Elizabeth," Darcy said, his voice low and intense. The words felt inadequate, a poor substitute for all he longed to express. He silently willed her to understand, to see beyond his restrained exterior to the depth of his feelings.
The words felt inadequate, a poor substitute for all he longed to express. He silently willed her to understand, to see beyond his restrained exterior to the depth of his feelings. But propriety, as always, held him in check.
With only one serious, parting, look, she went away.
ooOoo
Georgiana's request, to write to her took Elizabeth by surprise. She glanced quickly at Mr Darcy, wondering if this had been his idea. His expression gave nothing away, but the thought of maintaining a connection to his family, even through his sister, sent a thrill through her.
As Elizabeth agreed to Georgiana's request, a warmth spread through her chest. The young Miss Darcy's shy smile reminded her so much of her own sister, Jane. For a moment, Elizabeth allowed herself to imagine a future where she might have called Georgiana 'sister' in truth. The thought both comforted and pained her, a bittersweet reminder of what could have been.
Mrs Bennet called her then, Elizabeth was acutely aware of the eyes upon them - her mother's worried gaze, Miss Bingley's poorly concealed scowl, and the curious glances of other guests. The weight of propriety seemed to press down upon her, making even this brief exchange feel dangerous.. All she could risk was a "Good evening Miss Darcy, Mr Darcy."
As their eyes met, Elizabeth felt a rush of emotions she dared not name. Mr Darcy's gaze seemed to convey a thousand unspoken words, and she found herself wishing desperately to understand them all.
"Good evening Miss Elizabeth." Mr Darcy it seemed was bolder, "Until we meet again, Miss Elizabeth," Darcy's hand twitched, as if he longed to reach out and take hers. Elizabeth felt her own fingers tremble in response, the ghost of his touch lingering in her imagination.
As Elizabeth turned to leave, she felt an inexplicable urge to look back, to steal one last glance at Mr Darcy. She resisted, knowing that if she did, she might not find the strength to walk away.
Elizabeth and Jane said very little on the way home.
"Did Mr Collins say anything about why they came?" Jane whispered as they were putting their wraps and gloves on.
Elizabeth shook her head. "Only that Lady Catherine had urgent business in town. But the way he looked at Mr Darcy… I fear there's more to it than that."
Mrs Bennet too was more silent then was the norm. Mr and Mrs Gardiner were the principal source of conversation. They had had a very pleasant evening and were aware of the tension between Elizabeth and her mother. But were well-mannered enough to ignore it.
Mrs Bennet stopped Elizabeth as she was about to go upstairs with Jane. "Lizzy, I warned you about Mr Darcy," she said quietly, Elizabeth had never seen her mother this serious before. She was used to her mother being loud and slightly silly in her options and manners.
"There is too much at risk. You did very well to accept Mr Collins, I had my doubts that you would. You did, but you cannot undo that. Your father will not live much longer and we need this. We need you to marry Mr Collins. You must forget Mr Darcy."
Elizabeth's guilt twisted in her stomach, intertwined with the knowledge of her family's precarious situation. Her engagement to Mr Collins was meant to secure their future. By entertaining thoughts of Mr Darcy, wasn't she, in a way, betraying her family's trust and needs? Elizabeth knew, logically, that she had done nothing wrong. Yet her heart seemed to disagree, filling her with an inexplicable sense of shame.