It had been the perfect date, not that Minji had been on many, but she couldn't help but feel giddy when thinking back on the evening. They met at the art museum, where she made sure to point out her favorite pieces to Jaehee while he made a concerted effort to make her laugh by adding over-dramatic commentary at each display. At one point he even gestured to a stray glove near the coat check and began to craft an elaborate artist statement.
"It's a commentary on capitalism" he started, mimicking the seriousness of a museum tour guide. "The artist, unknown, reminds us of how quick we are to dispose of our possessions".
Minji found his efforts to impress her charming, and his taste in restaurants even better. They feasted on steamed mussels and handmade pasta at a hip new Italian place. He fed her perfectly twirled forkfuls of carbonara, and insisted she have the last bite of tiramisu. After dinner, they strolled lazily along the riverside against the setting sun on the horizon.
This was their third official date and she was eager to get him back to her place. Things had been going well, Minji had always known he was handsome but he continued to impress with his quick witted humor and surprisingly gallant behavior. It was no wonder he was so popular with the girls at school, a fact she now tried desperately to forget. There was just one minor snag— they hadn't been sexually intimate. Not really.
Despite a long string of passionate make out sessions, they hadn't taken things to the next level. They couldn't keep their hands off each other and yet each time he pushed her to her limits he'd suddenly pull away, leaving her feeling flustered and deprived.
If she was being honest, Minji had started to feel a bit discouraged. A sense of anxiety gnawed at her. Jaehee had a bit of a reputation as a ladies man, and his constant rejections had begun to wear on her. Whenever she compared herself to him, she often found herself feeling inadequate. She wasn't exactly the most beautiful girl in school, and it's not like she had much romantic experience to boast about. It was easy for her to imagine him growing bored of her when she thought of the kind of girls he'd been with in the past.
Despite her concerns, Minji resolved to do her best. She refused to admit defeat so easily, and so she concocted a plan to assail his offenses by making herself irresistible. She had chosen a form skimming dress that hugged her in all the right places and sat just a little too high on her thighs. Though it was long sleeved for winter, the thin-cut fabric left very little to the imagination. Paired with knee high leather boots, her legs had never looked better. She was rather pleased at the reflection in the mirror, her pink ringlets pinned haphazardly into a clip that left long strands dangling lazily around the frame of her face. Minji steeled herself as they walked up the dorm stairs, this was her chance. She dug her keys out of her bag, pretending to fumble with the lock in order to drag out the time.
Jaehee had been acting like an utter fool all evening, the date had been a complete disaster. Though he was usually aloof and collected on dates he found himself in the unlikely role of comedian this evening. Worse yet, he felt like he was bombing at amateur night, throwing around half baked jokes in a desperate bid to make her laugh. What the hell was that bit with the glove? He cringed. It was hard for him to resist the temptation. Minji guarded an invisible fortress around her heart and Jaehee always felt just a little bit closer to her whenever she laughed at his terrible jokes. It was in these carefree moments of laughter that he felt she would momentarily lower her defenses.
Minji unlocked the door, the hinges creaking noisily as it swung open. She turned around and wound her arms around his waist, the dizzying scent of jasmine rushing up to meet him. "Well…. I had a really wonderful evening"
His voice cracked at her sudden embrace "I-I did too, I hope the restaurant was to your liking"
"It was perfect! I didn't even know that place had opened…." her eyes were fixated on the floor as her feet shuffled nervously in her heels. "Do you have to wake up early tomorrow?" He shook his head, his fingers absentmindedly winding around her hair.
Minji slid her arms up his chest to wrap around his neck, pressing the length of her body closer to his. Jaehee stiffened, his body responding involuntarily to her touch. He attempted to steer the conversation elsewhere. "Did you want to get brunch? I know a great spot—"
Minji shook her head vigorously, pink curls bouncing. "I was thinking… maybe, you could spend the night?" she cocked her head to the side, her bright eyes shining up at him expectantly.
He knew what she wanted from him. Hell, he knew he wanted it too. And yet he found himself running away in fear. It's not like he was a virgin— far from it. He'd been with dozens of women, and he was confident in his skills. There was something else that gave him pause, a terrifying thought that infiltrated his mind the night he had undressed her. He was going to sleep with somebody, and for the first time in his life, it was going to mean something.
The thought alone was enough to quell his feverish desire for her. For the first time in years, he had butterflies in his stomach. It was one thing to have casual sex, a purely lustful act that proved little else than his love of beautiful women. Minji was different though— he cared about her. And while her beauty made his knees weak and his breath hitch in his throat, sleeping with her would mean his feelings towards her would be laid bare.
You can kiss her goodnight. It's just a kiss. Just a kiss. Jaehee swore to himself. In fact, he had been repeating this to himself for weeks, but it seemed he was rather lousy at keeping promises. Each kiss seemed to turn into something more, and he had to use every bit of his self control to hold back. He was a walking contradiction, the pull of his heart tearing him in opposing directions.
He crushed her lips with his in a cowardly attempt to avoid the conversation. She received him eagerly, their tongues tangling together in a desperate attempt to get closer as his hands hungrily traced the edges of her body. It didn't take long for him to feel like he was losing himself in her, his body moving seemingly on its own.
It's not like Minji made things easy for him, that damn dress had been mocking him all night. It gripped her in all the places he longed to touch, the tight fabric allowing him glimpses of her delicate curves. He thought back on that rainy night, the vision of her body glowing under the moonlight and the desire to strip her bare consuming him once more. Jaehee slid his hands up her milky thighs, the short hem of the dress riding up as he gripped her flesh. This is torture.
In one swift movement he pinned her against the door frame, his thigh pushing her legs apart as he gripped her hips, encouraging her to rock against him. She responded almost immediately, her small form quivering under him with each movement. "J-Jaehee…" Minji whimpered into his mouth and for a second he thought he might die. He could have taken her there and then, but his last shred of reason managed to hold him back. Jaehee pulled away and pressed his forehead against hers, his teeth gritted in frustration.
"I… don't think I can spend the night" he sighed, taking a moment to compose himself and tug her dress back down into place.
"You always say that" Minji pouted "Do you not… like me?" her tone betrayed her disappointment, the words cutting like daggers through his heart.
"How could you even think such a thing?" he cupped her chin, gently guiding her face to meet his gaze. "Of course I like you"
Minji slumped in his arms, her voice heavy with hurt "Am I a bad kisser?"
Jaehee caressed her cheeks with his thumbs, his brows knitted in frustration. "Are you kidding? You drive me crazy." Her green eyes narrowed, still unconvinced. "The security guard in your building is gonna start wondering why I'm always singing the national anthem when I leave." This seemed to assuage her, a soft smile creeping up on her lips.
"Trust me, it's not that I don't want to. I just… want to take things slow." He pulled her into an embrace and kissed the top of her head.
That night he found sleep evaded him, he tossed restlessly in his bed as images of her flashed in his head. Jaehee pulled out his phone, his fingers deftly navigating to the video as they had hundreds of times before. The image of her played before him, her face in a scowl. "Jaehee is the most handsome guy in school…. And I'm sorry I avoided him".
Perhaps it was naive of him, but Jaehee had always assumed that falling for somebody (aside from being tedious) would be straightforward. Like in the movies— you'd declare your undying love and live happily ever after. Blah blah blah. The end. The real thing was much more complicated than he had ever imagined. Lust, longing, fear, shame, anxiety, hope, excitement. He had hardly begun to name them all, let alone understand them, these emotions that lay knotted together in his chest. Worst of all was this feeling, this hope that the complicated emotions he felt towards her would be requited.
Jaehee tossed his phone aside, rubbing his temples with his fingertips. He knew he couldn't keep this up forever, even if his mind wasn't ready, his body was reaching a tipping point.