"Attention everyone, ladies and gentlemen, hotel staff and guests and prospective guests!" Charlie announced, giddy. "We're in for a special treat of a redemption exercise prepared by our gracious facility manager…" Charlie stepped aside to allow Alastor to take the floor.
"You see, Charlie here came up with this intriguing new idea - that we model one of our redemption exercises after the hackneyed television trope where the characters are each given a mock infant to take care of as an assignment."
"Crikey! First that dumb little D.A.R.E. PSA skit, now this? Are they just going to run the gamut of after school special cliches here mate?" Cherri Bomb complained to Angel, in response to which he said "Hey, let him cook."
"Often the TV characters do the assignment in groups but we decided that there will be no groups for this, to make it more of a matter of personal responsibility," Alastor went on. "Also we have something that serves as a better infant substitute than an egg or a sack of flour…" Alastor brought out the box of Furby babies.
"Each of you is going to become the single parent of a Baby Furby." Alastor took out the black one. "I have named this little darling Meconium."
"Ooh! I gotta have that one!" shouted Angel.
"Really now? How surprising, Angel, I would've thought that you'd have gone for the pink one here, which I've named Placenta. Indeed, ha ha it's quite delicious on a number of levels that you would pick the one named 'Meconium', which has a number of meanings…"
"Yeah well what can I say? Lately I've taken a liking to things that are black and fuzzy."
Angel shot a flirty glance at Husk at 'black and fuzzy', which did not go unnoticed.
"I'm only half black," Husk grumbled.
"And half white," added Alastor, "which is why I picked out this black and white striped Furby just for you Husker. I've named it Trophoblast."
"Whuh- what kind of fucked up name is that? Trophoblast? And Placenta? Meconium?! Were you fucking high when you named these things?"
"Ah ha ha ha ha, my dear dear Husker, I simply decided that, since these are BABY Furbys, that I would name them after BABY-related terms that I learned while researching babies out of a medical textbook."
"Well I for one greatly appreciate that these fur babies have been named after medical terminology, I think these names are neat!" said Baxter.
"Aha! That's the spirit! Here you go, I think you'll like this one, I've named it Syncytium!" Alastor handed Baxter a pastel aqua-green Furby.
"Excellent choice of name!" said Baxter. "Speaking of the syncytium, did you know that the genes that form the syncytial wall in the placenta were exapted from a retrovirus that modified the human genome through horizontal gene transfer around a million years ago?"
Everybody stared at Baxter, looking dumbfounded, except for Alastor who appeared to be tickled with amusement. "Ha HA! Thank you for sharing that fun-filled fact with the class, Baxter!
"Now this little darling is Colostrum, who is ALL white like it was dipped in BLEACH! And nobody loves bleach more than…"
"Memememememememe!" shouted Niffty, giddily grabbing the white Furby when it was handed to her.
"And this here yellow one is Lanugo. Hmm, now who here would want their Furby to be a fuzzy DUCKLING yellow…"
"OOH ME! I DO! I WANT A DUCKLING YELLOW!" shouted Lucifer.
"Of course you do," said Alastor, smirking at the king of Hell as he got handed his pick of Furby. "Now this purple one I have named Puerperium, and since purple is a ROYAL color, I thought it most fitting that its guardian be none other than the ROYAL princess of Hell herself."
Charlie squeed and produced magical cartoon hearts as she received Puerperium.
"Now you all have been introduced to Placenta already. I think I will give her to…" Cherri and Mimsy both looked at the pink Furby eagerly, "...Miss Cherri."
"ALL RIGHT! She matches my hair… at least I think it's a she… How do you sex these things mate?" Cherri turned it over and looked at the battery case.
Mimsy put her hands on her hips and stamped her foot. "HEY! When do I get a Furby?"
"Patience, Mimsy, you are just going to have to wait your turn."
Mimsy crossed her arms and sulked. Alastor looked at his pocketwatch for a moment. "Now it's your turn. I think this brown one will suit you since it matches the upholstery of your car. I named it Lochia."
"Gosh, what a pretty name, Lochia… is it like the female version of Loki?"
"I'm afraid not my dear, Loki's spelled with a 'k' while Lochia is spelled with a 'ch'. Speaking of which, you all will be tested on the spelling and definitions of all these baby names at the end of this assignment which is going to be the subject matter of your daily redemption exercises for the next fortnight or so. You will also be given an essay assignment to assess whether you've learned your intended lesson. Also before I forget each one of you take an instruction manual." Alastor passed out some typewritten and stapled together booklets. "It teaches you how to turn on your Furby, how to feed it and change its diapers and tell what sex it is and recognize when it's sick and talk to it, there's a comprehensive Furbish-to-English glossary in the back"
Angel opened the book and looked at the first few pages. "Hey what is this supposed to be, some kind of demonic sigil to summon a spirit to possess these thingies or somethin'? Is that how you turn 'em on?"
"No no no no Angel that is just a circuit diagram, you don't have to worry about that unless you're into electrical engineering."
"Hehem, you are forgetting somebody…"
Alastor turned around and saw Vaggie. "Oh right! I didn't forget you, Vaggie dear… I thought you would appreciate this stormy-gray one. I named it Hysterotomy."
"That's a fucked up name…" Vaggie grumbled as Alastor handed her both the Furby and the instruction booklet which she immediately began reading.