Beauty is in the Eye of the Bundy
It is approximately 11:00-11:30am EST and Peg comes home from shopping after recently discovering how fun it is
Peg: [enters] Hey, Al. Guess what?
[Al sighs and/or groans]
AL: What? Did you spend our money on another useless product?
Peg: I didn't spend our money, I spent YOUR money.
[Al groans and/or sighs, his 15 years of marriage flashing through his brain, yet again]
Peg: I found some wonderful new feminine hygiene products at the store today.
[she walks past Kelly and Bud on the couch]
Peg: [to Kelly] Happy Birthday. [hands her hygiene product]
Kelly: Thanks. I thought my birthday was last month. Is this a leap year?
Al: This is one of the many things I will never understand about women. You guys need to buy 15 hygiene products to wash your whole body meanwhile we men only need one. [grabs men hygiene product bottle] This little bottle here covers the whole body. It is a combination body wash, shampoo, conditioner and moisturizer, meanwhile this…[grabs feminine hygiene bottle]...eyebrows. Why on earth is there a specific eyebrow soap, tell me that, Peg.
Peg: Well, Al, the reason that men only have one bottle is because they only wash themselves every few years and by the time they take another shower, they would've forgotten which bottle to use.
Al: [laughs sarcastically] Yes, I'm laughing myself to the financial grave.
Peg: Also, someone's been using all the lotion…
Kelly: Bud.
Peg: [cont'd]...and all of the moisturizing oils…
Bud: Kelly.
Peg: [cont'd, again]...and there's a hell of alot of them in this bag. I'm gonna show these to Marcy-
Al: [interrupting] Noooooo, No! No. You waste our-sorry-MY money and you give it away to that creature next door. There's an old adage, Peg: you can put lipstick on a chicken but it's still a chicken. Think about that.
Peg: [pauses] Right. Well, I'll be in the bathroom testing out these new things. I'll be out in…[Peg thinks about it and realizes that she couldn't possibly calculate the exact amount of time it would take her to accurately test out all the products, or even make a ballpark estimate] I'll be out.
Kelly: I'm gonna go put some of this stuff on too. [she goes to her room]
Al: [to Bud] Look at them son, at the mercy of all those products when we have everything in one bottle. It even has extra features like scrubbing hairs and moisturizing rocks.
Bud: You mean those mold furs and expired chunks. That'll clean you up real good.
Al: [has realization and starts digging in one of the feminine hygiene bags] They gotta have something in here for fungus and mold! I mean they have something for eyebrows, for god's sake!
Transition to the next day
Kelly: [wakes up, itches, goes to the mirror and has a rash and is horrified]
Kelly: [goes downstairs] Bud! Bud? [snaps to get his attention]
[Bud doesn't react]
Kelly: [gets an idea] Look, Bud, there's Sabrina Banks!
Bud: [gasps] Where! [has realization] Y'know, i don't think she's out there.
Kelly: How long have you been out here?
Bud: [checks watch] 6 hours.
Kelly: Have you moved at all in the last 6 hours?
Bud: Nope. Not even to pee.
Kelly: Why?
Bud: I was just too lazy to get up.
[Kelly sighs]
[Bud realizes he has to piss]
Bud: Buck?
[Buck runs down the stairs with a bucket and tube]
Bud: This is my patented and simultaneously ingenious bathroom system.
[Kelly is disgusted]
Bud; Now, if you don't mind. Go away. Babewatch is on.
Kelly: [goes to sit on couch] Bud, I need your help-
Bud: [interrupting] Shut up [x2] it's about to go to commercial. [commercial comes on] Okay, now I can turn around-[notices Kelly's horrifying rash and sits in silence].
Kelly: I need your help! Ever since I used this moisturizing cream, I've been itching. [cries]
Bud: [notices commercial for the cream] Look. [reads text at the bottom of the screen] All the people in this commercial are actors.
Kelly: [pissed] WHAT! They were just ACTING like they didn't get the RASH! This was 15 dollars! This is false advertising! They…They…FRAUD!
Bud: Kelly [x3, you can't just go suing companies all willy-nilly, especially since you don't know anything about-[Bud was going to say law but realized that Kelly doesn't know anything about anything]...well.
Kelly: Well…?
Bud: Well, what?
Kelly: Well, what am I gonna do about this rash?
Bud: Don't worry about it, for I, Bud: The Wiser, will demonstrate my all-new rash curing formula that'll get rid of your rash for good.
Kelly: I sure hope so. I can't go on a date looking like this
ALT Line: I sure hope so. I have a date at 7 and another at 7:30.
Transition to the parents' room
Peg: [wakes up, goes to the mirror, some of her hair is bleached and/or gone, and is horrified and she screams]
Al: [very tired and annoyed] Whaaaaaaaaaat?
Peg: My hair is gone.
Al: So is my will to live.
Peg: [comes out of the bathroom] Al!
Al: [turns around and screams bloody murder]
Peg: Look at me!
Al: Do I have to?
Peg: I knew I shouldn't have bought these from the back alley.
Al: What!? Peg, I thought you learned from the day our first hellspawn was conceived not to buy stuff from the back alley.
Peg: Al, you should've known it was a scam when it said buy one, get one child free.
[Peg runs downstairs, intending to go to Marcy's when suddenly…]
Marcy: [bursting through the door and crying] Oh, Peggy, it's awful, all my hair is falling out. This won't look good at the feminists meeting.
Al: It's a little too late for you to worry about looking good anywhere.
Marcy: [to Al] Shut up. You're just mad because you have nothing to lose. [laughs like a crazy person then sighs] It's good to laugh. Anyway, the people who sold this should be banned.
Al: [to Marcy: Al right [x2, enough of your clucking and cackling. Now, [turns to Peg] Peg, do you know who sold those things to you?
Peg: I think he wore a black hat and a black jacket, he talked with a really disgusting raspy voice, and he was really ugly.
Marcy: Well, that could be anybody, [to Al] even you! [laughs like a crazy person then sighs again] It's good to laugh.
Al: We're gonna have to investigate every single one of the back alleys in this whole town.
Marcy: Or [grabs bottle] we could go directly to [struggling to read] Betrug Kein Kauf [German for "scam, no buy"] and sue that whole company to hell.
Peg: Yeah, let's do that. Come on, Al. [grabs Al]
Transition to…
[Bud and Kelly walking through the woods]
Kelly: What are we doing here?
Bud: We are here to catch a skunk, so it can spray you-
Kelly: And then my rash is gone, right?
Bud: Excuse me! Never interrupt Bud…The Wiser! Especially when he can bring your normally hideous face back from its currently somehow even more hideous state. So to answer your question-[spots a skunk]-yes. [Bud inches closer to the skunk until he tries to catch it. It runs up to Kelly and sprays her, then skitters away]
Bud: It got away! Well, onto our next-[notices the smell the skunk left on Kelly] The hell is that? [notices what it is and laughs his ass off]
Kelly: [pissed] Shut up, you parasite. Is my rash going away?
[Bud tries to inspect, but the scent and chemicals makes Kelly [somehow] more repulsive to him]
Bud: My eyes are burning and watering. Quickly, to civilization!
Kelly: What's that?
Bud: Just follow me.
Transition to Car Wash
Kelly: Why are we at a car wash?
Bud: Because of the various cleaning, exfoliating and moisturizing properties housed within the chemicals that they use to clean these fine vehicles.
Kelly: But…it's a car wash.
Bud: Look, if it, like you, has over 1,000 served, it has to be doing something right.
Kelly: I guess you're right. [realizes] Heeeeeey!
[Bud pushes Kelly into the car wash]
Bud: 3, 2, 1, go! [pushes button to activate it]
[the travelator [flat escalator] that Kelly's on moves towards the chemicals]
Kelly: [gulps] HELP! [knocking on glass]
]A few minutes later, Kelly comes out sparkling clean, but smells of bleach and hot wax]
Bud: How do you feel?
Kelly: I think the first degree burns are distracting from my rash. By the way, is my rash still here?
Transition to the Bundy house and Bud is downstairs, readying the blender
Kelly: [from upstairs] Bud!
Bud: Silence, creature. Do not disturb Bud: The Wiser, lest this mixture spoil.
Kelly: [still upstairs] Sorry! I just wanted you to experience a woman yelling your name for the first time!
[Bud laughs sarcastically, then gets out a bowl]
Bud: Buck!
[Buck approaches and scratches himself, his hairs falling into the bowl]
Bud: Good dog, now go away.
Buck: [thinking] This is abuse. I'm not even being rewarded for all this manual labor.
[Bud puts a bunch of ingredients into a blender, including the bowl of dog hair, plants, dirt, rocks for texture, raw eggs 'cause they're cliche, and 3 drops of vegetable oil]
Bud: [walking upstairs] Okay, it's all done so get ready! [Kelly bumps into him and makes him spill the mixture, which Buck comes over and licks up]
Kelly: Sorry Bug Miser, but there's a riot going on at the company that made this awful lotion and I have to go, bye-bye. [slams door]
Bud: [annoyed] That's Bud: The Wiser.
[Bud groans while Buck continues to lick up the mixture]
Transition to outside the Betrug Kein Kauf company where hundreds of women are protesting.
Cut to inside Marcy's car with her driving, Peg in the passenger seat and Al in the backseat, sleeping and snoring.
Marcy: There it is!
Peg: Looks like the protesting already started.
[Peg notices Kelly running towards the company]
Peg: Al, [shakes Al] look [x3].
Al: [tired] Whaaaaaat?
Peg: Look, there's Kelly.
[Al, Peg and Marcy exit the car, Marcy assaulting people out of the way and they enter the building with Kelly already inside]
Kelly: [to secretary] Your product caused this rash, I demand to see the manager.
Secretary: [sighs] That's an STI, not caused by our products. Next.
Kelly: Oh. [walks towards the exit and passes Al] [to Al] She's lying.
Marcy: LOOK AT THIS! THIS IS WHAT YOUR PRODUCT CAUSES! YOU'RE GONNA BE SUED TO NOTHING! NOTHING! [laughs like a crazy person, then sighs] It's good to laugh. Girls! [blows feminist whistle and her feminist gang shows up and destroys the whole place].
Secretary: [pressing red button that calls the boss' office] Mr. Kaufman, heeeeelp!
[feminists continue to destroy the place]
Owner: [sleeping then hears the crashing and wakes up] Huh, what's going on.
[feminists burst into his office, Marcy runs up to him and throttles him and the day is saved]
Transitions back to the Bundy house
Kelly: [enters house] So Bud, it turns out that my rash was an STI, you probably don't even know what that means because you're such a los-
Bud: Shush. [coughs and hacks]
Kelly: What's wrong with you, besides the things that are usually wrong with you.
Bud: I don't have time for your "witty" remarks.
Kelly: [thinks for a bit] But-
Bud: Shut up! I'm sick because of that mixture that I created…for YOU by the way. You didn't even thank me.
Kelly: This is karma and payback, all in one. [laughs while going upstairs]
[Al and Peg arrive home]
Al: Well, Peg, I hope you've learned a lesson. Number 1, don't buy things from alleys. And Number 2, only use 1 bottle for everything.
Peg:
You mean how you use the shower for everything. Wait, bad example, you don't use the shower. [laughs while going upstairs, she sighs] It's good to laugh.
END