Chapter 2: "Get Out of My Office, Wade"

When Deadpool strode into Beacon Academy alongside Team RWBY, he looked like a child visiting Disneyland for the first time.

"Holy plot armor, this place is awesome!" Wade exclaimed, spinning in circles as he took in the massive halls and vaulted ceilings. "It's like Hogwarts and anime had a baby… and then sent that baby to military school. 10/10 worldbuilding."

Team RWBY walked a few steps ahead, pretending like they weren't being followed by a brightly clad lunatic with the energy of a caffeinated toddler.

Ruby whispered to Blake, "Is he always like this?"

Blake sighed. "He hasn't stopped talking since we met him."

"Correction!" Deadpool chimed in, sliding dramatically between them. "I did stop talking for a full minute after decapitating that last Grimm because—" He clutched his chest. "—it was so beautiful I had to take a moment of silence."

"Can someone just tape his mouth shut?" Weiss muttered, glaring over her shoulder.

"You'd miss me if I were quiet, Snow White. Admit it!" Wade replied, finger-gunning at her.

Weiss's eye twitched. Yang snorted, clearly enjoying this more than she should.

The Headmaster's Office

"Who is this… man?" Ozpin's voice was calm, but his raised brow betrayed curiosity as he stared at Deadpool from behind his desk. Beside him, Glynda Goodwitch stood stiffly, her glare practically burning a hole through Wade's mask.

Deadpool sat backward in a chair he'd dragged to the center of the room. "Allow me to introduce myself! I am Wade Wilson, codename Deadpool: mercenary, fourth-wall breaker, and snack enthusiast. I'm also the protagonist of this spin-off, so let's all just deal with it."

Ozpin sipped his coffee, unbothered. "You're not from Remnant."

"Ding ding ding! Give the man a cookie!" Deadpool cheered. "I was minding my own business, probably getting blown up or shot at—again—when BAM! Suddenly, I'm in this lovely world filled with Grimm, pretty girls, and lots of angst. I think I've been isekai'd. Happens all the time to guys like me."

Glynda pushed her glasses up her nose. "You expect us to believe you were transported here by some unknown means?"

Deadpool leaned in, his tone conspiratorial. "Lady, if you knew how many times this exact thing has happened to me, you wouldn't even question it. I'm basically a walking plot device."

Ozpin steepled his fingers. "You do seem to possess… unique abilities."

"Wanna see?!" Deadpool shot up, drawing both katanas and striking a pose. "I can fight, heal ridiculously fast, and deliver snarky one-liners all at the same time. Oh, and check this out." He grabbed his own hand and, without hesitation, snapped it backward at an unnatural angle.

Team RWBY cringed in unison.

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!" Ruby squeaked.

Deadpool wiggled his limp hand. "Boom. Self-demonstrating. Give it a second—"

With a sickening crack, his hand snapped back into place.

Yang blinked. "Okay, that's kinda cool."

Glynda looked like she was ready to throw him out the nearest window. "This… behavior is unacceptable."

"Unacceptable?" Deadpool gasped. "But I'm lovable! Like a violent puppy!"

Ozpin sighed, his voice calm. "Mr. Wilson—"

"Call me Deadpool. Or Wade. Or Handsome McAwesomesuit. Whatever works for you."

"…Deadpool," Ozpin continued, "while you are an anomaly, your abilities could prove useful against the Grimm. I am, however, concerned about your… lack of discipline."

"Oh, I'm disciplined! I just ignore the rules I don't like." Deadpool shot finger-guns again.

Glynda finally lost her patience. "Enough of this nonsense!" She flicked her riding crop, sending a shockwave of energy toward Wade.

"WOOO MAGIC!" Deadpool screamed gleefully as the shockwave blasted him through the window.

Ruby gasped. "OH MY GOSH! Is he okay?!"

They all rushed to the shattered window and looked down. Deadpool lay on the ground several stories below, limbs twisted like a pretzel. He gave a weak thumbs-up.

"Worth it…"

The Training Grounds

Somehow—against all odds—Deadpool convinced Ozpin to let him train with Team RWBY.

"Let's do this!" Deadpool cheered, twirling his katanas like a maniac. "I'm ready for combat practice, anime-style!"

Yang cracked her knuckles. "Are you sure about this?"

Blake, standing off to the side, muttered, "This can't end well."

Weiss, adjusting Myrtenaster, rolled her eyes. "He'll be gone in five minutes."

Ruby held her scythe awkwardly. "Okay, um, Deadpool? Just try not to… hurt yourself?"

Deadpool saluted. "No promises, Little Red."

They began sparring.

Three minutes later:

"OW! My spleen!" Deadpool yelled as Weiss sent him flying with a blast of Ice Dust.

Five minutes later:

Blake tripped him with Gambol Shroud. "Sneaky!" he cried, face-planting into the dirt.

Eight minutes later:

"NOT THE FACE!" Deadpool shrieked as Yang's fist connected with his jaw, sending him sprawling.

Ten minutes later:

Ruby stared at Deadpool, who now lay spread-eagled in the middle of the training ground, limbs splayed like a starfish. His costume was torn, one katana was missing, and he was smoking slightly.

"I'm good…" he wheezed. "Just give me… a minute."

Yang wiped sweat from her brow. "You're, uh, tougher than you look."

Deadpool's head shot up. "Tougher? Lady, I'm the definition of invincible. Healing factor, remember?"

To demonstrate, he casually popped his dislocated shoulder back into place.

Ruby grimaced. "Doesn't that hurt?"

"Constantly!" Wade replied cheerfully.

Weiss pinched the bridge of her nose again. "Why are we still putting up with this lunatic?"

Deadpool leapt to his feet, somehow rejuvenated. "Because I make everything more fun! AND—" He turned to the invisible audience with a wink. "—I'm contractually obligated to stick around for at least ten chapters."

The team blinked.

"Who are you talking to?" Blake asked, deadpan.

"Oh, don't worry about it," Deadpool said, finger to his lips. "Just breaking a wall or two."

To Be Continued…

Next Chapter: Deadpool and Nora perform a science experiment, "helps" with Grimm hunts, and learns that Ren doesn't appreciate unsolicited hugs.