Santana had woken up that morning with a strange sense of calm. The previous night's gathering with Riley and her friends had been unexpectedly refreshing. It wasn't that they'd become instant best friends, but for the first time since arriving in New York, Santana had felt like maybe she didn't have to go through this experience entirely alone.
Still, there was a pang of guilt tugging at her. Brittany had texted her while she was at the gathering, and though Santana had replied, her responses had been short and vague. She hated herself for it. Brittany deserved better, and Santana knew it.
Sitting at her tiny kitchen table, Santana stared at her phone, rereading the last few texts.
Brittany: Hey, I hope you're having a good night!
Santana: Yeah, it's been okay. Just hanging out with some people from class.
Brittany: That's awesome! I'm so proud of you for putting yourself out there.
Even now, Brittany's kindness and support made Santana's chest tighten. She didn't deserve someone as patient and understanding as Brittany, especially when Santana wasn't sure she could give her the same in return right now.
The truth was, Santana was struggling to balance everything—her classes, the demands of the city, her homesickness, and her relationship. As much as she loved Brittany, the distance between them felt like a growing chasm, and it scared her.
Her phone buzzed, pulling her out of her thoughts. It was a call from Brittany. Santana hesitated for only a second before answering.
"Hey, Britt," she said, her voice soft.
"Hi, San!" Brittany's voice was bright and cheerful, immediately making Santana's heart ache. "I missed you yesterday. Did you have fun with your friends?"
"They're not really my friends," Santana said quickly, running a hand through her hair. "Just people I know through Riley."
"Oh," Brittany said, her tone still warm but with a slight pause. "Well, it sounds like it was nice. I'm glad you went."
"Yeah, it was fine," Santana replied, feeling the weight of her own guilt settle deeper. She wanted to tell Brittany everything—that she'd felt more at ease last night than she had in weeks, that Riley's group had made her laugh in a way she hadn't since leaving Lima. But she couldn't bring herself to say the words.
Brittany, sensing the hesitation, shifted the conversation. "I was thinking we could do a movie night tonight, even if it's just over video call. I could stream something, and we can watch it together."
Santana smiled despite herself. Brittany always knew how to make things feel normal, even when they were anything but. "That sounds nice," she said softly.
"Great! I'll pick something good. Maybe a musical—you love those."
Santana's chest tightened again. Brittany was always thinking about her, always going out of her way to make her feel loved and supported. And here she was, holding back, unsure of how to fully return that love.
"I love you, San," Brittany said, her voice full of quiet certainty.
"I love you too," Santana replied, her voice barely above a whisper.
They hung up a few minutes later, and Santana sat in silence, staring at her phone. She wanted to be everything Brittany deserved, but right now, she didn't even feel like she was everything she needed to be for herself.
Later that afternoon, Santana found herself walking through the city again, aimless and restless. She didn't have any plans with Riley or her friends, and though she'd promised Brittany a movie night, it wasn't until later. She wandered into a small park tucked between two towering apartment buildings and sat on a bench, letting the noise of the city wash over her.
Her thoughts drifted back to Riley. She'd been kind, inviting Santana into her world without any expectations. Riley didn't ask Santana to be anything but herself, which was a relief after weeks of trying to keep it together for everyone else.
Santana pulled out her phone and stared at Riley's number in her contacts. She hadn't reached out since last night, and she wasn't sure why she felt the sudden urge to now. Maybe it was because Riley seemed to understand her in a way that was uncomplicated, or maybe it was because Santana just needed someone to talk to.
Before she could overthink it, Santana sent a text.
Santana: Hey, thanks for last night. I had a good time.
The reply came almost instantly.
Riley: I'm glad you did! You seemed like you were starting to relax a little.
Santana: Yeah, I guess I was. It's been hard getting used to this place.
Riley: Totally get it. It's overwhelming at first, but it gets better. Promise.
Santana smiled faintly, feeling a little lighter. Riley's optimism was contagious, and though Santana didn't fully believe her, it was nice to hear.
Riley: We're going to a rooftop bar tomorrow night if you're interested. No pressure, but it's got an amazing view of the city.
Santana hesitated. She wanted to say yes, to let herself enjoy the company of people who didn't make her feel like she had to carry the weight of the world. But then she thought of Brittany. How would she explain this?
Santana: I'll think about it. Thanks for the invite.
Riley sent back a thumbs-up emoji, leaving the conversation open-ended.
That night, Santana settled onto her couch with her laptop, waiting for Brittany's video call. When it finally came through, Brittany's face lit up the screen, her smile as bright as ever.
"Hey, beautiful," Brittany said, tilting her head slightly. "Ready for some singing and dancing?"
"Always," Santana said, her heart softening at the sight of her girlfriend.
They started the movie, Brittany chatting excitedly about the songs and pointing out her favorite moments. Santana tried to focus, but her mind kept drifting. She thought about the rooftop bar, about Riley's easy smile and the way her friends had made her feel included. She thought about Brittany's unwavering support and the way it made her feel both loved and unworthy all at once.
When the movie ended, Brittany turned to her, her expression soft. "That was fun. I wish we could do this in person."
"Me too," Santana said, her voice thick with emotion.
"San?" Brittany's voice was gentle. "Are you okay?"
Santana hesitated, the weight of everything pressing down on her. She wanted to tell Brittany the truth, to let her in completely. But the words felt tangled, too complicated to sort out.
"I'm fine," Santana said finally, forcing a small smile. "Just tired."
Brittany didn't look convinced, but she didn't push. "Okay. Just remember, I'm always here for you. No matter what."
"I know," Santana said softly. "I love you, Britt."
"I love you too," Brittany replied, her smile full of warmth.
As they said goodnight and ended the call, Santana sat alone in the quiet of her apartment, her emotions swirling. She knew she had to figure out how to balance everything—her relationship, her new life, and the person she wanted to be.
Because no matter how far apart they were, Santana couldn't lose Brittany. Not now, not ever.