Facebook Shorts written for the Times

by A.A. Pessimal

Collected short pieces originally written for a Facebook group ("The Ankh-Morpork Times - News of the Disc") To be added to as I retrieve them. A series (eventually) of very short chapters.

6. of braais and barbies

From an FB discussion on Fourecksian barbies versus Saffie braais. Slightly expanded.

From our food critic Ray Jayner, invited to alfresco summer eating in Ankh-Morpork's colonial quarters. He has not tried to capture the phonetic intricacies of the Rimwards Howondalandian accent. This discourse should be attempted in the best Rimwards Howondalandian voice you can muster.

Ag, wellnow, some of us from Howondaland call it a braai and as everybody knows, we invented it and the Fourecksians took the credit, which is sif and a bit zef. We're having a lekker braai justnow and you are all invited, Fourecksians included and even the bloody Morporkians, we have no lingering hard feelings over the War of Independence (which you people call The Boor War). There will also be slaai and mealipap, although mealipap is from the same cookbook that the Klatchians get the recipe from for sheeps' eyes, and you do not have to eat it. We think of slaai as something there for show, and to demonstrate that we from Rimwards Howondaland are capable of sophisticated eating. Just put a small piece of lettuce and a slice of tomato on the plate alongside the vleiss, and that is a sufficiency. We promise there will be food quite early in the evening, let us say at about eleven o'clock, and before that there will be beer and klipdrift. And probably a scratch game of fifteen-a-side on the lawn. Any Wallabies are welcome to compete against we Bokkies. An Igor will be in attendance so you can still share the braai later.

There will also be community singing after about the third round of beer and klipdrift. Do not worry if you do not immediately get the words. We find beer helps and even those who cannot speak Vondalaans – and we do not hold this against you, in fact, we commiserate – soon pick up at least the chorus of De La Rey. Practice and repetition helps. And beer. Morporkian visitors will also grasp the general meaning of the choruses to the Auntie Tina song from the non-verbal cues provided by the hand gestures. Again, beer helps. And everybody learns to dance the leeuloop. Trust us.