Inspired by a historical document discovered by Edinburgh City Council, which reveals that in 1707, action needed to be taken against a performing artist with an animal act who insisted on keeping his animal companion in his lodgings in Edinburgh.

He worked with elephants.

The neighbours complained. The ones living in the flat downstairs most loudly of all. So I wrote:

"Carrot? How the Hell do we sort THIS one out?"

"Contravenes the Domestic Pets Act of 1698, sir. I'll have a word with the Zoo, shall I? Ask if we can borrow a few keepers to assist?"

Vimes breathed a deep resigned sigh.

"Good idea, Carrot. ask if they can look after the impounded animal for us? And book the tenant for being bloody stupid, too?"

As my fanfic zoologist might point out were she to be consulted by the Watch on this one, the species of elephant is a consideration too. If it turns out to be a Veldt Hermit Elephant, it could well be very happy indeed where it is, and is simply adapting to its new urban environment. Damn... I feel a drabble of fanfictionette coming on. use of a south African accent when reading this is optional, but as with all reflections of Roundworld nations on the Discworld, "South Africa" and all associated tropes - like the iccent, sorry, accent - are taken way past eleven.

"How do you know, commander," she said, looking seriously up at him, "thet this is not en isolated case. Perheps somebody imported Hermit Elefant babies es pets, end when they got too big to be kept comfortably, they were turned loose, end heve edepted to Enkh-Morpork city life. Just es you heve urban foxes, you now, perheps, hev a viable colony of urban hermit elefents. In which case, we need to make a plen."

Vimes tried not to let his face show any sort of dismay. He looked at Johanna Smith-Rhodes. Damn, the woman was from Howondaland. She'd been brought up on the felt, or veldt, or whatever they called it in their language, the one that sounded like somebody chewing bricks and spitting gravel. She knew her stuff concerning animals.

She nodded up to Vimes.

"The first thing we need to do justnow is to retrieve this enimel from a third floor epertment. I have a plen for thet too."

As she confidently set off up the stairs, the bag of buns slung nonchalantly over one shoulder, she looked back and grinned at Vimes. "Ag, it could be worse." she remarked. "It could have been en Osibisi. I will tell you ebout thet sort of elefent later.. Eish. Never stend directly underneath an Osibisi. "

Some time later there was thunderous crashing from above. The whole building shook.

"Tell me she's not letting any bloody bombs off up there, Carrot." Vimes said. His deputy shook his head.

"no, sir. She says it's cruel to use them on animals."

Vimes grunted.

"Okay. Did we send any trolls up to help?"

"No, sir. She claims she can do this alone."

There was a distant trumpeting noise. This was followed by the creaking of an abused staircase. This grew louder and louder. Heavy footfalls were heard. Then Johanna backed into view, laying the last of a trail of buns on the staircase. Vimes blinked as a rather large elephant came into view. The stairs underneath and the wall to one side was visibly buckling under its weight.

"how the Hell did she get it to turn round and come down the stairs front first?" Vimes demanded.

Johanna grinned.

"Hermit elefent. Small third-floor flet." she said. "Not much room to turn. Once I get this fellow out, Mr Vimes, you might wish to evacuate the building? One of the walls thet collepsed was load-bearing."

Johanna was coaxing the elephant to the street door. It followed her trustingly. Vimes groaned.

"Get everybody out, Carrot." he directed. "Then get builders in to shore up and make good, or failing that, to knock down? Thanks."