Coprolite

Inspired by reading about the Lloyd's Bank coprolite, a fossilised thousand year old turd – a massive one, about ten inches long and at least two inches thick, found in a dig in Viking-era York, England, indicating the Viking who passed it lived on a diet of largely meat and bread, and suffered from a massive infestation of various sorts of intestinal worms. The turd in question is now on display in a local museum.

V0.03: typos. Updating, after a bit more valid and certified information came my way, where Israeli archaeologists really did test out a key health and safety issue at the edge of archaeology and infectious disease control. They took their finding - very carefully, and wearing gloves - to the local Public Health Department.

Miss Alice Band, principal lecturer in Stealth Archaeology at the Assassins' Guild School, took a very deep breath. She glared at the student standing in front of her on the dig site. She was having some very mixed feelings about this one. She also suspected this particular student was pushing it and indulging in some creative insolence and teacher-baiting. It was archaeology, yes. But not the sort of archaeology she wanted to be presented with just before lunch. She wondered if it even counted as respectable archaeology.

"Just now, Mr Greengage, I am inclined to tell you to take this...thing... out of my sight. Yes, it's at least a thousand years old. Yes, I am inclined to agree that properly studied, it can tell us a lot about the diet... and the intestinal ailments... of the old Hublandish warriors. If what you say is true, I will agree it explains why they went berserk on the battlefield. But right now. And especially just before lunch. Get the wretched thing out of my sight!"

A lightbulb went on in her head. She smiled. Grimly. Students learnt to fear that sort of smile when Alice Band was smiling it at them.

"Not wearing gloves, Mr Greengage? Well, as you say, it's practically fossilised and hard as a piece of old oak. Do me a favour and deliver it to the path lab at the School of Zoological Sciences, would you? They can give it a more detailed analysis. Thank you."

"Johanna Smith-Rhodes is going to be delighted", Alice thought, speculating on her colleague's mixed reaction at being given a millenium-old turd to analyse. "And she will know better than me if tapeworm and threadworm eggs are still going to be viable after so long. If they are, Mr Greengage is being overconfident to an extreme. Better tip off Matron Igorina, too. She'll probably have heavy-duty vermicides to hand. Probably."

Update, Jan 2022: archaeologists in Jerusalem were prompted to investigate an "anomolous structure" on the fringes of a dig on the site of what is thought to be a royal palace, dating from around the presumed time of Saul, David and Solomon. A lady archaeologist with her head screwed on (Israeli Alice?) correctly pointed out that when you think about it, a hut-like structure some way away from the main dwelling which canonly fit one person at a time.. what do you THINK it's going to be?

The Israelis took a look. And unearthed a flat carved stone with a large central hole in it. Then dug down and sent their samples of the, err, earth underneath for analysis. They thought this would provide clues as to what sort of a kosher diet people ate, around 1000BC. (Well, in 2740 in the Judaic calendar).

The forensic analysts then ugently contacted the archaeologists to urgently request - WEAR GLOVES AND FACE MASKS! AND, GEVALT, WARN US IN FUTURE WHERE YOU GOT THIS SORT OF VERKAKTE THING FROM! As the samples of possibly Royal stools contained eggs for tapeworm, pinworm, threadworm and roundworm which were all still viable, and could resume a happy contented and active parasitical life - 2600 years on.

So it is very possible Johanna Smith-Rhodes could have got very annoyed indeed, and then pack Mr Greengage off to see Matron Igorina, along with a note saying "Give this over-confident idiot a strong purgative as well as a vermicide, just to make completely certain he isn't infected."