The Hubland Winter Games

Feb 2022 On the Ankh-Morpork times page on FB, Kim White raised the topical question of what the Winter Olympics might look like on the Discworld, what sports would be involved, and how they might be reported.

I couldn't resist a few random ideas:

And the ice-hockey team from Aceria, Ehh, are heading the league tables, even proving to be quite good at the necessary interludes of actual hockey played in between the brawling and punch-ups. Having defeated Sto Helit by three fractures and a concussion, the Maple Leaves/Feuilles de Acer now have a tough fixture in the next round against Far Überwald, whose captain Oleg Gulagovik has said "bring it on, buddy." Ambulances and if necessary Igors will be on standby.(1)

Meanwhile, the strongly tipped Swommi team, the Suomi Leijonat, are relaxed about the idea of meeting Far Überwald at some point. "Perkele, this is a sort of a Winter War. If the Ryssa stop and think about it, we've been here before a few times. We're good at Winter Wars!"

In the Biathlon, Ankh-Morpork stands a very good chance of placing with a medal as its team, largely drawn from the Assassins' Guild Winter Sport Society, will yield to none in their shooting skills. Skiing is a passion; firing a crossbow to a high degree of accuracy is a profession.

Breaking news: alas, at the highest levels of international sprt, skullduggery and underhand practices persist. The Klatchian contestant in the ski-jump was disqualified for cheating after the shaped magic carpet insoles were discovered in his boots.

In the ice-dancing, a protest to officials was made, after the suspicion arose that the utterly enchanting and captivating figure-skater Karotina Witzend, currently a long way in the lead and a hit with the judges, must be at least part Elvish to enthral people like that. Tests are proceeding.

As a visitor from Lancre, Mrs Gytha Ogg, remarked: "Look, it's got sparkly tights. You got girls in spangly tights who ain't got old enough to become Dorises yet. You got them glorious glittery costumes with lads of sequins and Ankhstones. And that's only the men, look at the things them girls is wearing! They gets to show off on the ice. It's theatre. There's music. It's people showin' off, and girls showin' that even their knickers is sparkly!

"What you got is glamour. And you're surprised it's attractin' Elves? If Elves is in there, mister, you'd best keep an eye backstage. They'll be whisperin' to people. Things like "see her, you knows she's better nor you? You know you can get a silver medal and not a bronze, if you break your rival's knees with a lump hammer." Playin' on vanity and envy and soforth. Their idea of a good night out. Glamour and violence."

1 (1) The idea that one of the bitterest grudge games in international ice hockey was Canada versus the USSR, an animosity that appears to have persisted after the Great Politics Mess-Up where Russia is concerned.