December, 2024. There is an absolutely genuine newspaper story headed "Lifestyle: Doctors Are Warning People Not To Put Frozen Potatoes Into The Anus"

Well, I was stuck for a Hogswatch tale. This was a gift. Here's a short. V0.03.

From our Religious Affairs Correspondent in Blondograd, Far Überwald: we are awaiting an official statement from the Patriarch of the Rodinian Orthodox Church of the Great Potato God Epidity, concerning this practice.

EDIT: Blondograd, from the Cathedral Church of St Basil: A Solemn Ukase Issued from Patriarch Igor (Note: Not That Sort of Igor, It's Just A Very Common Name Round Here) and the Holy Synod of the Orthodox Potato Church Of The Great God Epidity (Rodinian Rite).

From Igor (Note: Not That Sort of Igor, It's Just A Very Common Name Round Here) , Patriarch of the Church, by the Grace of the Great God.)

Greetings.

With all best wishes for the coming season of Koliada, and the festive merriment brought unto us all by Ded Moroz and the Lady Snegoroshka. I wish you all a happy Koliada and a prosperous - and healthy - New Year.

However, on the topic of good health .

It has come to my attention that there is a practice known as анальное введение картофеля с целью религиозного экстаза, or to, our Brothers-In-Epidity of the Ephebian Rite, as πρωκτική χορήγηση πατάτας με σκοπό τη θρησκευτική έκσταση.

I do not need to spell it out, do I? Although I concede that anyone will be minded to loudly cry out the "Kyrie Epiditas!" while undergoing this sort of religious ecstacy and for all I know, the Ephebians probably enjoy it; after due prayerful consideration, I find this practice to be at the very least heterodox, as well as frankly distasteful.

We of the Rodinian Church are no strangers to things like fasting and bodily mortification in the name of Epidity. And at this point, I will remind you that January 7th looms on the liturgical horizon when all True Believers and communicants gather at the riverbank and re-dedicate themselves to the God in the Threefold Immersion - if necessary, by breaking a hole in the ice first. NOBODY BATHES NAKED. I mean that. And thin clinging shifts are right out, too. Show some respect. (This means you, Babiushka Oggyanova. Do not think we haven't noticed.)

I also accept the standard exemption for Witches will apply. Unless they really want to completely immerse. (This also means you, Babiushka Oggyanova). (1)

But even in our strictest and frankly most masochistic Monasteries, there's a limit. Even the famous Brother Evgeny of Novo Podmyshechnaya Vpadina, Kishashchaya Blochami would consider this a self-mortification too far.

I know we're getting on for midwinter, this is Mother Rodinia, and potatoes are very likely to arrive deep-frozen. But this is not the way to defrost them, is it? Also - this is likely to be wasteful of potatoes as quite frankly, they're no use afterwards and you'd hesitate before even fermenting them into vodka.

So all things considered, I am declaring this practice anathema, which means knock it off. The correct place for potatoes in this Koliada season is in the gift stockings hung over the Ру́сская печь.

In the eternal love and brotherhood of Epidity

From Igor (Note: Not That Sort of Igor, It's Just A Very Common Name Round Here) , Patriarch of the Church, by the Grace of the Great God.

Marginal note:

tidy this up a bit and give it the right sort of solemn, would you, Cyril, then get it out to the papers with copies to the Metropolitans to circulate? You'd think if they've got to do this sort of thing, they might use something like vareniki or piroshki. Or even pierogi, which are a bit more solid. At least that's hot. Still a waste of a good potato, though.

Thanks. I.

(1) Patriarch Igor (Not That Sort of Igor, It's Just A Very Common Name Round Here) had been In Audience with Lady Olga Romanoff, one of a very small number of people who socially out-ranked him. Patriarch Igor could normally handle conversations with senior members of the Romanoff and Ignatieff families. However, he dreaded dealing with the Ladies Olga and Natasha, finding both to be, frankly, too bloody clever by half, Illustrious, Exalted and Anointed though they were. And The Illustrious and Exalted Lady Olga was also something else...

Lady Olga had been informal, relaxed and respectful. The topic of the Exemption for Witches had come up, and they were discussing the whole idea of Threefold Immersion At The River on January the Seventh in Rodinia. Olga had smiled a satisfied smile.

"Your Holiness, when you think about it, we'd just call the whole business into disrepute." she reminded him. "Consider one of the things everybody knows about witches. In the Turnwise countries, a suspected Witch would be tied to a ducking stool and immersed in water. If she drowned, she was innocent. If she came up dry and no water stuck to her, she was of course a Witch, as clean pure water would shun her. Or so people said."

The Patriarch considered this. Olga smiled.

"In one respect, that is completely correct, of course. I learnt the skill by watching the great Baba Yaga, Granny Weatherwax, in the rain. May her soul have mercy on the Gods."

The Patriarch sat still as the implications sank in.

Olga smiled again.

"It comes in useful for flying in the rain." Olga said, prompting him. "Where time allows and if the individual Witch is bright enough, it's a teachable skill."

She took another sip of her tea.

"So I regret I cannot represent the House of Romanoff at the Immersion on the Feast of the Epiphany." she said. "If I come up dry after three immersions, it might be held to be bringing the whole business into disrepute."

Olga smiled benevolently at the Patriarch.

"However, there is my cousin, Lady Natasha Romanoff." she said. "She is an Assassin. I do not believe the Guild School teaches people how to keep the water out completely."

A week or two later, Olga held the towels, in a concerned cousinly way, as Natasha represented the Imperial Family at the Immersion By The River. (2)

(2) The other Exemption covered the Congregation in Ankh-Morpork. It was held to be taking the whole bodily mortification too far to use the River Ankh. However, a special plunge-pool had been built at the local Church, the specification being for clean and above all ice-cold water. Olga had been pleased to delegate this job to Cousin Tasha, so that the Romanoff Family fulfilled the social and religious obligation to be present and undergo Immersion among all social ranks of Rodinia. She had been happy to hold the towels and count to three.

Olga also crossed her fingers and hoped nobody would ever ask why the thing about immersion in water did not apply to comfortable hot baths. Olga had no Witchly defences against those.