Hello, Stargate Lovers!

A lot of angst coming your way!

I struggled with the end of the chapter, but I hope everything makes sense now.

Enjoy!

Chapter 51: Original Episode 0.13

As soon as they exited the Stargate, the SGA-1 team noticed something was happening with the planet. Something they didn't accounted for.

"Lorne!" John greeted as soon as the Major appeared from the woods that surrounded the area. "Do you want to tell me what is happening?" He pointed towards the dark sky.

Even if Evan Lorne had sighed in relief upon seeing them, the team could see there was a somber look to his eyes that didn't completely disappeared as he greeted them.

"It's Dr. O'Neill, sir." Lorne began as he made them follow him into the woods. "She's…"

"Is she hurt?" Teyla asked, frowning at the Major's hesitation. Immediately, Ronon placed his hand on his gun.

"No. She's..."

"Major?" John raised his brow, not understanding the lack of words.

"Something is happening with the planet and... she's... you better see for yourself..."

As they came up to an intersection leading to what it looked to be a temple, they found a group of people by the entrance, alongside the rest of Major Lorne's team.

"You can't possibly do this!" Alexandra's voice was heard as she exited the temple.

Immediately, heads turned and hazel eyes found her following an older man down the path that lead to them.

Oh, that was not a good tone. Alexandra was angry. Which, comparing to that morning, as they had breakfast together and she had been excitedly talking about this planet, was saying much. And the tired lines under her eyes, that John had noticed and had joked about, seemed deeper somehow. As her brown eyes found his, he added an almost feverish glow to it. She was not alright.

"I can't believe you, Lorne. Really?!" And it was the first time the Colonel heard her speak with Lorne with such exasperation.

"Major Lorne." The older man approached the soldier with a smile. "Our negotiations are over. I must ask that you and your team leave the planet as we make our final preparations."

"Of course, Zender. Thank you for your hospitality." The Major smiled. His eyes going for Alexandra.

"Dr. O'Neill." The man called Zender turned to her. "We are very honoured to meet you, to find you belong to the line of our ancestors, but our meeting is over."

"Zender..." There was a plead in her tone. "You can't possibly be serious." And now there was frustration.

John turned to Teyla, trying to find some help in the calm demeanor of the athosian. The emotions going through Alexandra were not new to him, but all at the same time? His friend frowned look spoke volumes as she was as clueless as he was.

"It is our choice, Dr. O'Neill. And that is our final decision." Zender continued, calmly.

"But… We can help you find a new planet. Are you really willing to die?!"

"Alex." John's subtle warning rang in her ears.

"Stay out of this, Sheppard." As she glanced at him there was also a warning in her eyes. Then, she turned back to Zender. "Those writings have thousands of years old!" She took a deep breath. "How can you still be willing to sacrifice yourself, your people because of what the Lanteans wrote?"

"It is what we believe in, Dr. O'Neill. I won't say it again. I thought you would understand, given what you are."

"But…" Alexandra felt defeated. "They don't care. Just because you made good deeds, lived a good life, meditated… They don't care!"

"We are at peace with ourselves, my dear." Said one of the older women that approached the two.

"What…"

"Alex." There it was, his commanding tone, as John approached her, after giving orders to the rest of the team, finally understanding what was happening.

"John, please... You can't let them do this."

"It's their choice, Alex." He had never heard her beg. And it broke his heart.

"You should go." Zender looked at the two men behind Alexandra. "The gate will remain open until you cross it."

"But… Zender…" John never seen her so desperate to change someone's mind. He placed his hand on her arm and immediately received an electrical shock. "Please, reconsider. I can save your planet."

"What is done, done is, Dr. O'Neill."

"No, but... please…"

Giving a look to Lorne, John knew he would have to be the one to receive the blow. So, even though it would hurt, he pulled a struggling Alexandra over his shoulder, feeling a continuous electrical shock all over his body as she went suddenly still. He actually felt the ground shaking beneath his feet as they walked towards the gate. Both teams going ahead of them, silently.

As they crossed the blue pool into Atlantis, Alexandra pushed him away hard as John placed her on the ground.

"What the hell, Sheppard?!"

"Alex, there was nothing you…" Teyla started, trying to help her team leader.

"I could have saved them, Teyla!"

"For what I heard, they had made their choice." Ronon spoke for the first time.

"The Ancients don't care about them. They don't care about anyone!"

"If you're still dealing with…"

John's jaw ticked as he saw her eyes squint at his implication.

"Don't make this about myself, Colonel. There were children! Little children! I could have…" There was a break in her voice.

Anger pumped in his chest. So, John tried to keep calm. For her. He knew this was something both hadn't dealt with after everything that happened with Kal.

"You could have done nothing, Alex. You would have died in the process." Rodney tried to chime in, knowing what could have happened as he knew her the longest.

"I don't care!" Lights flickered, making all in the gate room take a step back from her.

"Dr. O'Neill!" Woolsey came down the stairs as he heard the commotion. Alexandra looked up at him as lights got back to normal. "You're dismissed." The leader of Atlantis said calmly. He saw the scientist leave before turning to the Colonel. "What happened?"

"I don't have the entire story, Mr. Woolsey." John looked at Lorne.

"The people of MS-445 were in their final stage to ascension. And the planet apparently is connected to it. An Ancient bow, as far as I would understand by Dr. O'Neill's research. And Dr. O'Neill tried to help them, persuade them not to go foward with it. But they were adamant to ascend."

Richard Woolsey nodded, understanding.

"If I can be honest, and because I've known her longer, I believe there is something, a problem, between her and the Ancients at the moment. The way she was speaking about them... I've never seen her behave like this, sir." Evan said to John, that nodded. Given what he knew about her relantionship with the Ancients, the Major was probably right.

"Her whole life is an ancient problem." Woolsey sighed. "Thank you, Major. You're dismissed. Reports in the morning, please."

Lorne nodded and left with a sad look. John stepped closer to Woolsey as he dismissed his own team, even if they hanged back.

"Is there anything I can do, Mr. Woolsey?"

"As far as I know, and right in this moment, Dr. O'Neill is angry at you, Colonel. You prevented her from doing the very thing she was built for, that's in her bones, inherent to her."

"She could have died."

"She knows that, Colonel. But helping, protecting, it's what she does best. I know her long enough to know that." There was a sad frown in Woolsey countenance. "Give her time."

The pilot gave him a tense nod before leaving the gate room, followed by his silent team.

The day before had started so well.

She ended up having breakfast with John that had found her after his morning run and it had felt like before everything that happened between them, simple and playful. And, of course, she had been excited to meet the people of MS-445, knowing she could probably find the answers she was looking for as strange dreams had started to plague her nights again.

Being back in Atlantis had been good, and she had accepted her uncle's orders, but now she was feeling afraid that those dreams meant something. And not something good. So, she had kept it to herself, even if John had remarked that she looked exhausted.

Alexandra knew that she should trust him and the others. But, if the dreams meant something, she didn't want her friends between her and the Ancients. Not again. Especially not John.

Now, it had been a day.

A day since she had taken off from the gate room.

Of course, at some point in those twenty-four hours, Teyla had found her in her quarters and they had talked. And it helped.

Later, sparring session ensued with Ronon. And it had also helped.

Rodney, well, she had stayed clear from him. She knew she wouldn't be able to stomach his babbling, even if she knew it would distract her from her current thoughts.

So, after apologizing for her behaviour, she had convinced Lorne to take her to the mainland, where she spent the better part of the day trying to find half of the peace she needed.

However, back in Atlantis, she just couldn't stay still in her quarters or in her lab.

Alexandra's feet had taken her to her favourite spot in one of the piers. Her energy levels were still high. Too high. She could feel the power coursing in her veins. And she knew it was her fury fueling it.

Fury towards the blind obedience to Ancient laws, to not having answers from them, the frustration she felt everytime she saw a certain Colonel and knowing that there was only one way to simmer it down. That was something she didn't shared with Teyla.

"We should talk."

And it was the last person she wanted to see.

"There's nothing to talk about. Not right now." Her eyes were trained on the waves crashing onto the pier. It felt very similar to the turmoil inside of her.

"Alex." There was a sigh in his voice.

"Don't start..." Alexandra turned to him, ready to discharge her fury on him and immediately she regretted it.

John had a worried look in his hazel eyes and it looked like he hadn't slept either. His hands were in his cargo pants pockets, trying to appear relaxed and unfazed by her, even if there was a serious line drawn in his forehead. She tried to calm her heartbeat as she took a deep breath and closed her hands tightly, willing herself to stay still, unlike the entire day.

"I'm just catching some fresh air." Which was true, since he had just entered one of the balconies to do just that before returning to his quarters for the night, when he saw her come out to the pier.

As he said so, hazel eyes tried to catch every single detail he could, like a friend would to another in need. However, John was an observant man when he wanted to. He saw the changes in her the moment she turned to him. He saw that she was having trouble staying still, if the reports on the last twenty-four hours said anything. Everything and everyone told him that she hadn't seen a moment of rest since the day before. She probably hadn't slept either.

"I shouldn't have jumped on you or get mad at you. It wasn't your fault. You were just doing your job. But right now…" She stared into his eyes, not letting her own wander. "I can't be in the same space as you."

As she spoke, he considered her attire. Black leggings, a gym jacket that most likely was only covering a sports bra and her hair pulled in a loose ponytail. Eyes bright, cheeks slightly dusted with pink, also told him she was struggling with something else. And, for a moment, he added a ragged breath and a chest heaving to the image in front of him.

"Why not? I'm not angry at you. I understand why you reacted the way you did." Boldly, he took a step closer. She didn't move. In fact, she looked like a steel rod. "We are friends. We can talk about what happened, right?"

"No." Alexandra watched him move. "I'm still too…" «Why did he had to wear only a black shirt?» The thought suddenly floated around her mind.

"Riled up?" John raised a brow, an almost smirk on his lips.

"Furious is more the word."

"Mm…" John nodded, stopping right in front of her. He knew he shouldn't do it, it wasn't the right moment to test theories, but he couldn't help it. It was rare the moment they were alone since she came back. But riling her up was perfect to get some answers and he could see she was at her breaking point. "Anything I can help with? I don't know much about your powers, since you don't tell me much…"

"Oh, don't start with that, Sheppard." Her hands clapped on her legs in exasperation.

"Perhaps I could help in other ways..." His eyes were locked on hers as he looked down. There wasn't much change in her stance, except in her eyes. A fire that he had seen before. "Other insights." One of his hands went over to his radio, taking it off his ear and placing it on his pocket. And he saw how Alexandra followed every single movement. And when her eyes found his again.

There was silence. For a moment, she could feel the waves crashing onto the pier as if it was her own heartbeat. Or his.

"Alex…"

"Shut up, John." She breathed as she grabbed his face and pulled him down to her.

Their lips met in a crashing moment.

Immediately, John's arms encircled her body pulling her hard against his own. He groaned at the contact and, for a moment, he could only hear the sound of waves, of their breathing, the feel of her hands around his neck, clinging onto him as if her life depended on it. And he enjoyed it, since she rarely showed her fragile side.

His hands followed the lines of her body, sliding down to her hips and under her jacket. He found skin there, which meant he had been right. At the contact, he heard her inhale and press her body more into his. So, John took control over the kiss, deepening it as his hands pulled her up, making her legs circle his waist.

Taking a breath, his lips followed the path of her jaw, inhaling her scent, enjoying her touch, the way her chest touched his. There was no space between them and he wished they were in a better place as he pressed her onto the wall, next to the transporter.

"John…" Alexandra opened her eyes, looking at the night sky as she felt his touch, his lips, his warmth, the way his body moved and felt against hers. It was overwhelming and not like the other times. Her heart was beating fast in her chest and the power inside of her roared.

The pilot only had a slight perception of his name leaving her lips. His fingers found the zipper of her jacket and lowered it and his lips followed along before going up again to find her lips in a more slow kiss as he undress it from her.

"Alex..." He couldn't stop kissing her. "We should..." But he needed to breathe.

Brown and hazel met. Her fingers followed the lines of his jaw, towards his lips.

"No."

"You didn't let me finish." John's body pressed her own more firmly and he saw her bit her lip. His hands caressed her skin, their breaths mixed, his eyes enjoyed the light coming out of her. He could feel the way her free hand stroked the back of his neck and it was driving him insane.

"I know what you're thinking. I am thinking the same. My quarters are closer." Her body had a mind of its own as she adjusted herself against him, not ready to part ways.

A groan left his throat as John could barely restrain himself from touching her lips with his again.

She sighed into the kiss and pulled back after a second.

"This is wrong." She closed her eyes at the feel of his hands on her skin and his lips on the hollow of her neck. "We can't, John... You told me this was over."

"You started it this time."

With a push, Alexandra let her legs fall to the ground and, as her hands left his shoulders, immediately she missed his touch, his lips, his body.

"You should have stopped me."

"Well, I didn't. You and I both know this was coming..." He saw her take a step back.

"I'll find a way for whatever you're feeling… to disappear." She forced herself to not let her eyes wander or she would cave, since John looked as disheveled as she felt. And it was a good look on him, she thought as her energy agreed.

"What if I don't want it to disappear? You kissed me. You feel something... Just admit it, Alex!"

"Don't be silly. We won't be able to work together if you keep feeling this way." Alexandra frowned as she turned away, hiding herself from him.

"Alright, then can I ask you something?"

His tone turned softer and it made her curious, so she nodded.

"What happened in Langara… That was a big bang. The bunker and… all of it. And what you were trying to do yesterday…"

"I told you. I am stronger. But that wasn't a question."

"And why is that? Carmichael implied it wasn't the first time..."

"I don't know." Alexandra shrugged, not sure to where he was going with his questioning.

John kept his eyes on her.

"So, there is a theory. A theory I have been thinking over for the past few weeks."

With a frown, she turned back to him.

"Does your powers getting stronger means that you have feelings for me?"

And John saw the moment that her walls locked in place around her.

"Feelings for you? C'mon, Sheppard, don't be silly." She half snorted.

"First, that wounds me." He crossed his arms and, then, he smirked softly as he saw the way her eyes followed his movements. "Second, I'm being serious. Especially after what just happened… You were the one that kissed me, Alex." He took a step in her direction.

"You can't… C'mon, John." Her eyes tried to read him. "Okay, of course... I have feelings for you. As a friend, nothing more. C'mon, we already went through this…"

"Liar."

She took a deep breath.

"Fine... Okay... I felt attracted to you. In that moment. I'm not an idiot. I'm still... a woman... And, sometimes, what I feel through the energy that fuels my powers, I can't... control…" If he kept looking at her like that... crowding her like that...

"What if I told you…" His hazel eyes locked on hers. "I have feelings for you? Real feelings, not what you think Kal left in me?" He tried to seem relaxed, even if his whole body felt like it was on fire and hitching to feel her against him as his hands stayed put on his belt buckle now.

"Stop that." She narrowed her eyes and took a step away from him.

"Stop what?"

"Whatever you're doing. Whatever gets you the girl. I'm your friend, John. Not some random scientist or soldier that just arrived on Atlantis."

"You think that bad of me, uh?" Her words hurt him.

"No! God, John, no. But… C'mon, it's me. I'm not even your type." She tried to make it sound like a joke.

"My type?" He stopped with a frown.

"Well, I'm neither a random scientist or... a soldier anymore... or... or... an alien, for instance." She felt like she was in her teenage years again.

"Really? That's your answer? You're not an alien?" Like he thought, riling her up was getting him answers. And he was amused by it.

"Or tall. Or... or... I don't wear leather, either."

"Wait..." He had a thoughtful look now. "You're comparing yourself to... Larrin?"

"Ah! See? I say leather and she comes up to your mind. That's your type." Alexandra sighed. "This is ridiculous. I thought we got past this. What just happened was a…"

"Don't say mistake." His tone was serious.

She pursed her lips. Mistake was in the tip of her tongue. But it wasn't, was it? After all, her energy felt content now.

"Think about it as if letting out some steam."

"I have another option for that. It includes a bed. I'm sure your powers would agree, since you look much more... relaxed."

Give the man a medal for whenever Alexandra didn't want him to be too observant.

"Ugh! You're insufferable! Why are you being so…" The scientist narrowed her eyes. "Mitchell! He said something to you, didn't he? That's why…" She finally realized what felt different about him for the past few weeks. "You've been so careful around me, in what you say or do, even flirting with other women, but it felt... weird."

"Jealous?" He raised his brow, before hearing her huff and got past him. "Speaking of Mitchell, what happened between you two?"

"I thought you two were buddies now. Talking behind my back..." She was looking at her inside out jacket.

"Dammit, Alex! Just trust me!" Frustration got the better of him as John took her jacket from her hands, trying to make her look at him. "I know what it is to lose someone you love…"

"No, you don'T." Alexandra pressed on the T, finally looking up at the pilot. "Because I didn't lose him, John. He's very much alive and well." Her tone was suddenly cold and that made him step back. "You don't know what it is to see it disappear right in front of your eyes. And the thing is, it was not even Cameron's fault. It was mine."

"What do you mean?"

There was a tired sigh. For a moment, she closed her eyes.

"Maybe he's right. Maybe you should know. Maybe you'll understand." Her eyes were hard when she opened them. "The Ancients used him, John. They knew I felt guilty for what happened to him in Antartica, during the battle against Anubis. So, the moment I laid eyes on him at the hospital, they manipulated him. And it was so easy to fall in love with him. He was good and funny, strong and reliable. I gave up my rank, so we could be together. And, Ori aside, we were happy."

Hazel eyes watched her the entire time. She had walked towards the edge of the pier, and stared at nowhere in particular. The hurt she tried to hide, the anger. And the love behind her eyes. He actually felt jealous.

"What happened?" He asked softly, stepping closer, but giving her space.

"Adria. She took us both. She tried to make me change sides. Showed me how the Ancients really were. How manipulative they could be, even in their most sacred rule. She was so much stronger than me, had other understanding of her powers because of the Ori teachings, so she sensed it on Cam and when she showed me what to look for, I knew it was true. A click in him and I saw the change right in front of my eyes. It was like... a light fading down in his eyes."

"Maybe it was a ruse from her. To weaken you."

"I thought the same. I found a way to speak with the Ancients. They didn't even tried to deny it. They said they needed my powers to grow. To prepare me."

"For what?"

"To fight Adria."

"And why did they used him?"

"That's the most basic of answers, John. The energy that powers me thrive on emotion, on feeling."

Finally, John understood Cameron Mitchell's words as well as what her own entailed.

"What happened next?"

"Nothing. My powers grew, because I fell in love with Cam. But not having his love, and seeing him struggle with that, with me every day, made me angry at everything. And, to protect everyone around me, I stopped doing what they wanted... Hm, the moment I felt my powers growing, and knowing I could help fight Adria with them, I did the same training to when I first got them and I was already undergoing some trials." She explained at his questioning look. "So, when I severed my connection with the Ancients, my powers simmered down to the shield you saw the first time I used them here."

For a moment, there was only the sound of waves crashing onto the pier.

"But they are growing again. Because of me. Because of what you... feel for me." John's breath came out ragged. "You wanted to kiss me."

"What I want, is not important."

"C'mon, Alex… Just admit it. We have something." Before she could place some distance between the two, John grabbed her hands and placed them on his chest. "Look inside of me. Find it. Whatever they did to me, find it."

"I tried. I don't know if it is because of your gene, but there's a part of you that's blocked to me."

"This is more than manipulation. I don't care what you think."

"I care, John. If they put something in you... It's not real."

"It's real for me."

"You don't understand." Alexandra made him release her. "What they did… It broke me, John. First, they took my powers because they were afraid of me. Then, they used me in the worst way. And I'm not taking that chance again. Not with…" She stopped herself.

"Alex…"

"John, please. I'm asking you to forget about this. I'll find a way to get it out of you. I promise." Her eyes were pleading.

"But…"

"Don't ruin our friendship over this, John. Please."

The look she gave him it turned his insides out. In twenty-four hours it was the second time she begged.

Perhaps something could change, in time. Not right now, when he had just made her relieve one of her worst memories.

"Have a goodnight, Col. Sheppard." And with that she left, picking up her jacket along the way.

Watching her go, John heard the waves crashing and saw the full moons upon the ancient city. He sighed, regaining his thoughts and calming himself before placing his radio back on his ear.

Ps: Thoughts?