Seven Christmas jumpers

'You want me to wear what?' Robert asked, staring at his eldest daughter in disbelief.

'A Christmas jumper,' Mary repeated, patiently.

'What's a Christmas jumper?'

'What's a… are you serious, Robert?' Tom asked, dumbfounded that anyone would not know such a thing.

Mary elbowed him to shut him up. 'It's a jumper with a Christmas theme. Like Santa Claus or a reindeer or a tree. Anything Christmas related.'

'Oh, well, I can't. I don't own anything like that,' Robert said, relieved to be able to deny this absurd request.

'Don't worry about that; I'll get you one,' Mary assured him.

'I'd really rather you didn't.'

'Oh, come on, Papa. We'll all be wearing them,' Mary said, encouragingly.

'But why?'

'I thought it would be nice to get a picture of the whole family in front of the main door and use it for the Christmas cards we send out on behalf of the estate.'

Robert wrinkled his nose. 'Surely just a nice picture of the house would suffice.'

'That's rather old hat these days. Besides, we've done that a million times before. I thought something a little less formal and a bit more fun would be good this year.'

'What does your mother say?' Robert asked, sure that Cora would put her Louboutin-clad foot down and refuse to wear anything as ridiculous as a Christmas-themed jumper.

'Mama is all for it,' Mary said, ruthlessly smashing his hopes. 'She's got her eye on a particularly sparkly jumper.'

'Really?' Robert said in dismay.

'Yes. And you don't want to let the side down, do you?' Mary cajoled.

'Come on, Robert. The kids are both well up for it,' Tom said, deploying the grandchildren as a weapon of manipulation. 'You wouldn't want to disappoint them, would you?'

'Oh, if it's that important, I suppose I will,' Robert agreed, rather ungraciously.

Mary grinned. 'Thank you, Papa. I'll make sure I get you the perfect jumper.'

He rolled his eyes and flicked his newspaper back up in front of him, determined to forget about this conversation for as long as possible.

Robert eyed the less-than-tasteful jumper showing a golfing Santa that Mary had handed to him, his lip curling in distaste. 'You can't be serious?'

'Oh, yes, I am,' she said firmly, already in her own Christmas jumper bearing the legend 'Santa's little diva' in sequins.

Robert looked over at Tom, also clad in a Christmas jumper. 'Why can't I have one like Tom's? That's much less… garish.'

Mary grinned at her brother-in-law. 'Show him, Tom.'

Tom reached up under his jumper and suddenly the noses of the reindeer on his sweater lit up, flashing on and off.

'Oh,' Robert said, less keen on Tom's jumper now.

'Besides, I got this one especially for you because you like golf.'

'Hmm,' was all Robert could muster to say.

'Put it on. The children are waiting outside.'

Robert looked again at the jumper, already feeling his skin beginning to itch. 'Do I have to?'

'Come on, Papa. Just suck it up and put it on,' Mary said, beginning to lose her patience. 'You'll only have to wear it for about half an hour, tops.'

Tom put his hand on her shoulder, silently warning her not to lose her temper and push Robert the other way. 'Sybbie can't wait to see you in it. She's excited for the photoshoot,' he said, once more playing on Robert's love for his grandchildren.

Robert sighed, giving in to the inevitable. 'Oh, very well.'

Stepping outside, Robert braced himself for the snide comments his jumper was sure to inspire in anyone who saw it.

'Donk! You look great!' Sybbie cried, skipping up to him. 'Look, I've got a reindeer on my jumper.'

Robert smiled down at her, unable to deny that she looked as cute as a button in her bright red jumper.

'I've got a dinosaur on mine!' George said, arriving beside them.

'Dinosaurs aren't very Christmassy,' Sybbie said, wrinkling her nose.

'It's wearing a Santa hat!' George retorted.'And eating a Christmas tree!'

'Do you like my sweater, Robert?'

He looked around at the sound of his wife's voice, his eyebrows rising at the message written on the front of her jumper. '"Nice baubles",' he read out loud, blushing a little. 'Do you think that's entirely appropriate, Cora?'

'Oh, but they are nice, Donk. So sparkly and pretty,' Sybbie said, pointing at the sequinned baubles sewn onto her grandmother's jumper. 'I love them.'

'Donk's just being silly, Sybbie. He definitely thinks my baubles are nice, don't you, Robert?' Cora said, her eyes flashing with mischief.

Robert stared at her, quite flustered by the undercurrent of this conversation when their eldest grandchildren were right there with them.

Thomas inadvertently saved him from replying when he wandered over with a large, professional-looking camera in his hand.

'Afternoon, Lord G, Lady G. I think we're just about ready if you are.'

'Er, yes, let's get this over with, shall we?' Robert said, eager to be done with this farce. 'Where are Mary and Tom?'

Sybbie smiled up at him, slipping her hand into his. 'We've got a surprise for you, Donk. You're going to love it.'

Robert looked down at her, his heart sinking. 'What is it?'

Sybbie raised her hand and pointed to where Tom was coming around the corner of the house, Teo on a leash beside him, decked out in her own Christmas jumper.

Robert stared at his dog. 'What's all this?' he said, stupidly.

Mary appeared behind Tom, grinning from ear to ear. 'I did say I wanted the whole family in the shot. All seven of us.'

Robert sank to his knees, rubbing Teo's soft ears. 'What have they done to you, girl?'

'Doesn't she look fab?' Sybbie said, petting Teo too. 'It was my idea to get her a jumper like the rest of us. Do you like it?'

Robert smiled fondly at his granddaughter. 'Yes, darling, I do.'

He rose to his feet. Perhaps this wouldn't be so bad after all.