This episode of the From the Cutting Room Floor addresses Episode 129, "Gordo and the Dwarves." Ever wonder why we never hear or see anything more about the Hillridge Middle School Dwarf Tribe? Here's one possible explanation.

As we approach a New Year, I thought it appropriate to bring forth this Veruca-centered tale of female empowerment. As time marches on, may we all find our power, and our voice, and refuse to be subjugated by the unruly Powers That Be. Huzzah!

THE ABDICATION OF PRINCESS CANDLEWICK

The Dwarflord Tribunal Celebration concluded, most warriors had some time ago departed for their alternate kingdoms. But halfway down the hall, Veruca made a momentous decision and returned to the classroom. The scene of the crime.

"Huzzah," she said, reluctantly raising her right hand in customary greeting to the draped figure at the teacher's desk. As her hand came down, she casually adjusted her crown, then flipped her scarlet tresses behind her shoulder.

"Huzzah, Princess Candlewick!" the Wizard of the Wood Glen (aka Larry Tudgeman) returned, with much greater enthusiasm than Veruca had displayed. The Wizard pulled back his hood, leaned back in the teacher's chair, and with a noble air, waved a hand and graciously offered, "How mightiest I assist thee, dear Princess?"

Veruca drew in a deep breath, but stopped short of rolling her eyes. "Look, Larry—" she began.

But Larry held up a hand. "UTT! UTT! Wizard of the Wood Glen," he reminded.

Now Veruca really did roll her eyes.

"Look, Wizard," she complied. "There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. It's about these meetings. I don't understand why every single time it's me that has to serve the Royal Beverage."

At first the Wizard did not answer, and as Veruca looked down at the desk she noticed that, though he had stayed behind to ostensibly put away the gameboard and pieces, he now had them spread out before him, as if planning his next campaign.

"So!" he proclaimed, grandly, as he threw his arms across the Royal Game Board, attempting to shield his strategies, "The Royal Beverage. Yes, of course, Princess! Well, the answer is obvious, isn't it? In the Land of the Dwarflord, it is the woman's place to servest the Royal Beverage! It has been that way since Days of Old. It is, in fact…Our Way."

"Well," Veruca explained, forthrightly and patiently, "I'm not happy that I get stuck preparing and serving the Beverage while everyone else continues enjoying the Tournament. I feel I'm being taken advantage of…simply because I'm a girl. And I don't think that's fair."

The Wizard took a deep breath. He'd always suspected it might come to this one day. Attempting to blend a compassionate tone into his authoritative mandate, he calmly repeated, "But, Princess…it is Our Way."

Veruca bristled. She had been hoping for better than this. "Well…yeah…but it's not actually my way. I mean, I understand the Dwarflord aspect of it all, but here in the real world, Larry—"

"WHAT?" the Wizard questioned, rising to his feet. Apparently his particular brand of compassion was not going to work with this one, so he reverted to his usual full-on authoritarianism. "And who is this Larry of whom you speak? And why such sacrilege against Our Ways? Thus has been the tradition of Dwarflord for eons untold!"

But Veruca was having none of it. "Look" she said, pulling herself up to her full height and adjusting the crown on her head. "Lest you forget, dear Sir, I am, in fact, a Princess. And I do a lot of important stuff around here. I mean, who was it that secured the alabaster dragon egg! And who used the Unicorn Gemstone to pierce a hole through the Wall of Infinity? I bring a lot to the table. And I think I deserve a little more respect."

"But we do respect thee, Princess!"

"I don't think you do."

"But we do!" the Wizard insisted.

"No. I don't think you do," Veruca repeated.

"But if I say we do, then—"

"Aaargh!" Vercua cried out in exasperation. "It doesn't matter what you say! Saying it doesn't make it true, Larry. You don't get to be the boss of us all. Honestly, I sometimes think you've let all of this go to your—"

"Silence, saucy wench!" the Wizard bellowed, "Or by the hoary hosts of Hoggoth, I'll feed thee to the trolls!"

At this point, Veruca completely lost her patience. She took a deep breath, then instantly shot back, "Yeah, well look, Tudge, as a matter of fact, there are no trolls. And we're not actually in Dwarflord Land, are we? And we haven't really been doing this for eons. Get a grip, dude! We're at Hillridge Middle School, this is the beginning of the 21st century and we've been playing this game for…what? A couple of months now? So nothing is set in stone. We can make the rules anything we want them to be! And I don't mean just YOU. I mean all of us should work together to decide what's fair. It's called Democracy. Remember that?"

Running afoul of logic and desperately out of options, Tudge stood silent a moment, not quite knowing how to respond. Then, in an instant, it struck him. He raised his arms and began making elaborate random hand motions. Veruca had seen this before; she knew what was coming next. And sure enough…there it was…

"If thou shalt not comply," the Wizard bellowed, "then I CURSE thee!"

Veruca sighed. "Knock it off, Tudge. I hate to break it to you, but you're not actually a Wizard. Or even that good of a Leader. So listen up, cos here's how it's gonna be: I'm not serving the Beverage anymore. At least not by myself. I'm not saying I won't ever do it ever again, I just think we all need to take turns. Otherwise, it's simply not fair, and if it's not fair, then I'm just gonna…I'm just gonna…oh, I don't know…" Veruca threw up her hands in utter frustration, then blurted out, "If nothing's gonna change then I guess I'll just…I'll just have to QUIT."

Finally Larry seemed shaken out of his role. "Quit?" he squeaked. "Wait a minute, Veruca! You can't quit! You're our only girl!

"Yeah, I know," Veruca sulked. "The only girl. Lucky me. A wench to serve the Royal Beverage. And clean up afterwards."

"But…but…" the Wizard insisted, suddenly enlightened with a new persuasion, "don't you see, Princess? Being the ONLY girl makes you a very special person in Dwarflord Land. You are seated high on a pedestal! Like none other! All the other warriors gaze upon thee with awe and admiration! That should please thee to no end!"

"Yeah, well, about that—actually, it doesn't. Cos, to tell you the truth… it's kind of…creepy, the way some of the guys are always staring at me. I'm not really comfortable with that. So…you know what? I don't think I want to be the only girl. I'd actually like to hang out with some other princesses once in a while. But ever since I started this…Dwarflord thing, walking around school in this ridiculous outfit, all the other girls have been looking at me funny and don't want anything to do with me anymore. I guess because they think I'm some kind of…weirdo. Some kind of freak."

"Thou art not a Freak!" the Wizard tried again, frantically. "Thou art a Princess! Our Princess! We need you! Most desperately!"

"Yeah, I know," Veruca said tiredly. "To serve the Royal Beverage…"

"No! It's much more than that," Larry insisted. "You must understand, Princess. There are…at least a few among our band who have joined the Tribe because this is the only way they can…feel comfortable talking to an actual girl. If you quit, Half-Badger and Hobbit Squire will probably leave! And with so few members, we won't be able to execute sufficiently engrossing Campaigns! Then others will peel off and soon…too soon…Dwarflord Land will become a shadow of its former glory!"

Veruca smiled thinking…Now we're getting somewhere… What she said was, "Yeah, well, that's your problem, not mine."

The Wizard of the Wood Glen, now brought to his metaphorical knees, he began to plead "Veruca! Please, please, please! Don't abandon Dwarflord Land! Don't condemn us to the dust!"

Feeling powerful, Veruca said,

"No…you know what, Larry? Now that I've thought it through, now that I've said the word "quit," I feel completely liberated! I suddenly realize I should have done this weeks ago."

She hovered over the desk, removed her Princess Candlewick crown, and gently lay it down on the Game Board.

The Wizard looked up in shock. "Abdication!" he cried. "Zounds!" he cried. "This can't be happening!"

"Oh, it's happening," Veruca replied, turning on her heel and walking away from him. As she reached the rear of the classroom, she slowly turned again, untied the collar of her Princess robe, removed it, and gently draped it across a desk.

"The Heresy!" Tudge cried in anguish. "You can't quit!"

"Yes, I can," Veruca said with steady resolve. "In fact, I just did."

Now no longer Princess Candlewick, Veruca walked out of the classroom into the quiet empty hallway of Hillridge Middle School, smiling as the afternoon sunlight shone like a halo around her ginger hair.

The Wizard of the Wood Glen rose up from the teacher's chair, covered his face with his hands and wailed to the classroom ceiling.

"A mighty kingdom! Brought to ruin by a lowly woman! Can this really be the end of our esteemed Dwarf Tribe?"

He slumped back down in the teacher's chair, tore at his hair and lamented, "Alas, poor Dwarflord, I knew thee well!"

END