Chapter 7: The Ringing-In-The-New-Year Affair
*Disclaimer: The following has brief mentions of topics concerning suicide or self-harm. Reader discretion is advised.*
Shinji was facing the door to a specific room that had been set up within CONTROL HQ. Inside, he'd be undergoing his final 'initiation' test before he started taking on missions. He stood and listened while Kodama explained to him the particulars of this test, with the Smarts observing and H.O.N.E.Y. standing by to take notes on his progress.
"All right, Shinji, here's how your final test will go," Kodama began to instruct. "This test was designed by a colleague of Dr. Thorndyke's named Dr. Robert Hartley, a psychologist based out of Chicago, Illinois. Its purpose is to evaluate your ability to think quickly under building pressure in a non-combat situation all while undercover, whether in-person...or over the phone. Your goal will be to address each crisis as they pop up, sometimes unexpectedly. As soon as you step inside the room, the test will begin. Are you ready?"
Shinji gave us a brief, slightly nervous look before he replied, "As I'll ever be." With that, he opened the door and walked into the room; Kodama, the Smarts, and H.O.N.E.Y. were able to observe him from the other side via the one-way glass.
Once inside, he found a desk and a chair, and on the desk...were eight telephones, some of the same model, each with certain colors. Two were powder blue, two were salmon pink, one was tan, another was olive green, one was off-white, and one was black. Each was labeled with what type of hotline they were supposed to be for, and once he gave them a look, Shinji proceeded to 'get into character' as the first phone, the tan one, rang. He then picked up as soon as he sat in the chair.
Shinji: "H-Hello, Phone-A-Friend, how are you doing today?...Feeling lonely, I see...W-Well, Sir, you'll be glad to know there's a lot of people out there feeling the sa-"
[One of the powder blue phones rings.]
"Um, excuse me a moment, I'll get back to you, just hold on."
[Places the tan phone down on the desk before picking up the powder blue phone.]
"Hello, you've reached the suicide prevention hotline." [Eyes briefly widen once he hears what the caller has to say.] "So wait, just to be clear, you're on the ledge of the 25th floor of a budget hotel? N-Now, look, what you're planning to do won't make your situation any better-have you considered possibly taking up a hobby of some kind? Uh-huh...You have considered a hobby...Bungee jumping...without a bungee cord...or any clothes, for that matter...A-Are you sure? Y-you might catch a cold like that...You're planning to set a new record...uh, a new, nude record...and you're currently hanging on by your fingertips at this moment..."
[The second powder blue phone rings.]
"Er, if you-if you'll just bear with me, I'm going to put you on hold for a moment, just stay with me, please." [Sets down the first blue phone on the desk and then picks up second blue phone.] "Hello, Phonely Hearts Club dating line, how can I help you?...Oh, I-I'm sorry to hear your husband left you...So, you're looking for someone new?...Uh-huh, what kind of someone are you looking for?...I see, you want someone not afraid of taking a big leap..." [Sets down the phone and picks up the other blue one.] "H-Hey, Sir-you still with me? Uh-huh, you're still on the ledge, that's good-listen, I have this woman here who you might like talking to...W-What's she like? Give me a minute and I'll get back to you on that." [Puts down the phone and picks up the other blue phone.] "Hi, yes, Miss, could you please describe yourself?...Mm-hmm, five-foot-two, two-hundred-fifty pounds, likes karaoke and dancing...Hold on just for a minute." [Puts down the phone and picks up the other blue phone.] "Y-Yeah, Mister, the woman's five-foot-two, two-hundred-fifty pounds...and she likes karaoke and dancing. How'd you know that?...Oh-she's your wife, and the reason you're hanging on a ledge." [Things go silent on that phone.] "Hello? Hello?"
[Assuming it's a minor connection problem, Shinji sets the phone down and returns to the other blue phone. One of the salmon pink phones then rings, causing Shinji to pick it up with his free hand while he fumbles a bit with the blue phone.]
"Hello, Miss? Just hang on a little longer, I'll be right with you." [Sets blue phone down before turning focus to pink phone.] "Hello, this is Phone-A-Friend, how can I help you?...Uh-huh...You're feeling very miserable and lonely tonight?...Well, there's this woman on the other line and-Oh, you heard, and you're not that lonely. Uh-huh..." [Hangs up the pink phone before reaching for the blue phone...only for the black phone to suddenly ring, diverting his attention at that moment as he picks it up.] "H-Hello, customer service, complaint department, what's your issue?...Y-You think the Prime Minister is ignoring you...He's not taking any of your calls...Well, I assume he's a very busy man, you might try writing him a letter or sending him an email...That's perfectly fine, Mr. Deputy Prime Minister...Er, Sir, you've got a really bad connection, I can barely hear you right now...Oh-oh, you have your foot in your mouth...All right, have a good evening, Sir..."
[Hangs up the black phone just as the tan phone rings, causing Shinji to pick it up.]
"Customer service, complaint department, we do accept cranks...You want to report an unlawful entry?...A naked man fell into your bonsai collection...Was he armed at all?...Just a phone...?" [Picks up the blue phone.] "Hello, Miss? Wouldn't try collecting on that insurance policy just yet...Your husband's alive and well, and in a bonsai garden at 69th and Kaido...I think you should go down there, he might be up for some karaoke and dancing...Bye..." [Hangs up the blue phone just as one of the salmon pink phones rings, which he picks up.] "Phonely Hearts Club dating line, how can I help you?...You're having difficulties finding a date...What're your measurements?...Twenty-three/forty-six? Weird measurements...Oh, OH, you mean you're twenty-three years old, and the forty-six is...Er, listen, I clock out at 6 p.m., so-hello? Hello? (*Sigh* Try to be helpful...)" [The second pink phone rings.] "Hello, Dieting Consultants, how can I help you?...You've locked yourself in a warehouse full of every conceivable flavor of Kit-Kat bar? And you're planning to eat your way out of it?" [The green phone rings.] "Hold-Hold on, just a minute-" [Puts down the pink phone and picks up the green.] "Swap-Meet-By-Phone, we set up exchanges by phone, what can we do for you today?...Uh-huh, let me write this down here..." [Pulls up a pad of paper and a pencil.] "You want to exchange a two-hundred-fifty-pound weight set...for a backless, sequined party dress?...Er, I think you'll want the classifieds of the local paper, Sir...Well, same to you, then..."
[The black phone rings. Shinji picks it up while hanging up the green.]
"Hello?...Look, Miss Toga, I've asked you not to call me multiple times, you have the wrong number! That Midoriya guy's in the next city over." [Hangs up the black phone just as one of the blue phones rings, which he picks up.] "Hello?" [More phones ring almost simultaneously, causing Shinji to grab the other salmon pink phone and dial it, with one hand covering his ear so he can think straight.] "Hello, general directory? Can you give me the number for the best temp agency...?"
To be continued...
*Author's Note(s)*
And so we close out the old year with a chapter featuring quite the fittingly pun-derful title, as Shinji takes one of his last training exams before taking on his new duties as a CONTROL operative. This chapter is also dedicated to a comedy legend we lost this year, in the form of the iconic and inimitable Bob Newhart (Sept. 1929-July 2024), who rose to fame in the early 1960s with his string of hit comedy albums. The test in question is based on Newhart's "Dial-An-Atheist" comedy sketch from 1969, with the test's creator being a nod to his character from his hit sitcom The Bob Newhart Show (1972-78). See you all in the new year, when the action in this story will truly begin!