TW: references to self-harm, self-harm, panic attack, a bit of age regression due to traumatic event
Previous Chapter Summary: Harry continues to recover after destroying the Horcrux. Harry has therapy with Remus (twice!)
Chapter Summary: Sirius and Remus go back to work. Someone checks on Harry and has an important conversation with him. Harry panics.
That night, Harry had several nightmares. Remus and Sirius were with him each time he woke up and comforted him until he was able to fall back asleep.
By 6:30, Harry woke up with another nightmare, but he didn't want to go back to sleep.
"You have time, Pup. It's okay to get some more rest," Sirius said.
"I don't want another nightmare. I can't handle them any more."
Sirius opened his mouth to say something, but Remus spoke before he could.
"We understand, Harry. Would you like some breakfast?"
Harry shrugged. "Not right now. Maybe in a little bit."
Remus nodded. "You let us know when you're ready."
"You guys can still get some rest if you want to," Harry offered.
"It's near the time we get up, anyway. We'll probably make breakfast soon for us, if that's okay," Sirius said.
"Of course!"
It was quiet for a long moment before Remus eyed Sirius.
"Welp, I'm going to make some coffee. Moony, you want some?"
"Yes please," Remus said.
Harry felt bad for keeping them awake due to his nightmares, but they often had coffee so he didn't say anything.
Sirius softly shut the door behind him. Remus looked lovingly at Harry and ran a hand through his messy hair.
"What'cha thinking, Cub?" Remus asked
"I don't know if I can go to classes today. I really want to, but I don't know. What do you think?" Harry asked, looking up at his dad.
"Well, the decision is ultimately yours. I do think it would be wise to stay home today. You have not gotten enough rest and you're unsure about it."
"Yeah. I'm not sure about being around all the people either. I wish I was ready, but I don't think I am," Harry admitted.
"And that is okay! I completely understand. You're all good, Love."
Harry took a deep breath. "Okay, thanks Moony Da."
"Of course," Remus said, giving him a soft kiss on the forehead. "Is there anything I can do for you right now?"
"I don't think so."
"Would you like us to stay with you today?"
"No, you go back. I'll be okay, really."
Remus eyed his son.
"Really!"
"I think I'll have Albus check on you at some point today, if that's okay with you."
Harry shifted in bed. "Yeah. It makes me a little nervous but it'll be good to talk to him now that I'm feeling better, even if I'm not 100%."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am."
"Okay then. Albus will come check on you at some point, then. If you need us, we're only a Patronus away. We're here for you, Harry," Remus reminded him.
"I know. And thank you for that," Harry said.
"Always, Love. Always."
Sirius knocked on the door and a cup of coffee floated Remus' way.
"You can come in, Siri," Remus called out.
Sirius came back in. "What's up?" He asked.
"Harry's going to stay back here today. He wants us to still go to work. I told him I'll have Albus check on him at some point."
Sirius nodded. "That sounds good. And he's sure he wants us to work?"
"Yes, he's sure," Remus said at the same time Harry said, "Yes!"
Sirius put his hands up. "Okay, okay. I get the point!"
Harry chuckled and then spoke up again. "I think I'll be well enough tomorrow! I just need today."
"First of all, you don't have to explain yourself to us, we understand. Second of all, we are just going to take it one day at a time, alright? We're proud of you and love you no matter what," Remus said.
Harry smiled. "Thanks."
They stayed and chatted a bit longer before Remus and Sirius had to get ready for the day and eat breakfast.
Harry stayed cozy in his bed, feeling better than he had after talking to Remus and Sirius. Merlin, he loved his parents.
Before Remus and Sirius left for the day, they stopped in Harry's room once again. "We're leaving now but we wanted to say goodbye," Sirius said.
To the surprise of both Remus and Sirius, Harry got out of bed (something he hadn't done much of) and gave them each a big hug.
Sirius looked at Remus, bewildered, but Remus shook his head. Now wasn't the time to ask questions. It was the time to graciously accept it.
"Thank you both so much for everything you've done for me the past week or so. I know it's been a lot and I just really appreciate it."
"We are happy to help, Harry," Remus said.
"You're our kid, of course we will stick by you," Sirius said.
"Just… thanks," Harry said before climbing back into bed.
"You're welcome. Is there anything else you need before we go?" Remus asked.
Harry shook his head.
"Alright. We'll be going now but like I said, we're only a Patronus or a floo away. Get us at any time."
Harry nodded.
Remus and Sirius gave Harry one last smile before walking out the door and out of their quarters.
"Are you sure he'll be okay?" Sirius asked Remus as they walked down the corridor.
"I'll have Albus check on him. If there's anything wrong he'll get us," Remus said.
"Alright. I just want the poor kid to feel better."
"I know, Pads; me too."
When Sirius got to his office he kissed Remus goodbye and instead of heading to his office, Remus made his way to Dumbledore's office.
Once he got there he knocked on the door and was allowed in.
"Remus! It's good to see you. How is everything?" Albus asked.
"We're all doing better. As you know, Sirius and I are back to work today. Harry decided he needed another day of rest, which is something I support wholeheartedly."
"Did something happen last night?" Albus asked.
Remus sighed. "A lot of nightmares. We got him through them but he's still tired and not ready to take on a day."
"I completely understand," Albus replied.
Remus gave him a smile. "That leads me to why I came. I was hoping you would check in on him and chat if he's up for it? It would make Sirius and I feel a lot better if someone made sure he was doing alright."
"Of course! I'd be happy to!"
"Thank you," Remus said gratefully. "Now, he is still recovering and is tired. He doesn't want to be around a lot of people. Just keep everything casual and easy."
"I can do that," Albus nodded.
Remus noticed a twinkle in his eyes as he said that, but didn't say anything about it.
"I've got to go, but we appreciate it, Albus. Thank you so much."
"My pleasure. Have a great day," Albus said, giving Remus a wave as he walked out the door.
Dumbledore smiled to himself, he knew what he wanted to do.
Harry took naps, but after he was awoken by another nightmare, he tried to keep himself awake.
However, he was exhausted so just as he was debating if it was worth taking a nap or not, there was a knock at his bedroom door.
"Harry?"
"Come in Grandad," Harry said, recognizing that voice.
"Harry! How are you?" Albus asked.
"I'm doing okay," Harry replied, but still pulled the covers up a little higher.
"How has it been since you destroyed the Horcrux?"
Harry shrugged. "I'm doing a lot better than I was. If I get a good night's sleep I think I'll be able to go back to classes tomorrow."
"Splendid!"
"I wanted to talk with you, too."
"Go ahead," Albus said.
"Now, the only Horcruxes are Nagini and I. How do you suppose we'll get to Nagini?" Harry asked.
Albus' face darkened over. It was quiet for close to a minute before Albus carefully said, "I believe that the only time we will get close to Nagini is when we are close to Tom."
"Well, of course. But how are we going to get near them?" Harry asked.
Albus looked sadly at Harry, not wanting to answer his question, but knowing he had to if Harry didn't understand.
"Harry, I am guessing the next time you and Tom will be together will be the final battle."
Harry was not prepared to hear this. He knew the final battle was coming, but his grandfather's words shook him to his core.
"Really?" Harry whispered.
Albus nodded.
Harry gulped and stayed in shock before panic started to set in. "I'm not ready! I haven't practiced enough! There's so much to do!"
"Harry, Harry. Calm down. You are doing marvelous right now. We still have time. I will be here to help you through it."
Harry bristled when Albus told him to calm down, but softened at the last sentence. "You promise?" Harry asked.
"I promise."
Harry still felt shaky, but he couldn't do anything about it because Albus smiled and said, "Enough of that for now! You're still recovering and I wanted to take you someplace."
"I don't know, Granddad. I just want to stay here for now," Harry said.
"Oh, getting up will be good for you!" Albus said as he pulled back the covers.
Harry was still in his pajamas and blushed.
"Change your clothes and meet me in the sitting room."
Harry opened his mouth to argue again but Albus held up a finger. "Headmaster's orders."
Well, Harry couldn't argue with that, could he? And he wanted to make his grandfather happy so he nodded and Albus shut the door.
Harry wasn't sure where they were going or if he'd have to walk in the halls so he put on the comfiest set of school robes he had before dragging his feet to meet his grandfather out in the sitting room.
"Ah, Harry! Perfect! Let's go!"
Albus started to head toward the door and Harry froze. "Are we walking there?"
"Yes. I know it's good for you to get your body moving. It releases something I've read. What is it? Indoor fish? Ah, I can't remember."
"I'm sure Moony Da knows," Harry said.
"He probably does," Albus smiled.
Harry kept his head down as they walked. Albus was oblivious to this and kept chattering on about the latest sweet he discovered.
After what felt like forever, they came to a door.
Albus ushered Harry in and in the room were all of his friends.
"Friends always seem to brighten me when I'm feeling down. I thought they'd be great for this situation!"
Harry blushed at Albus' words. He hadn't talked to his friends in over a week and they knew nothing about why he was missing classes. They only knew that he was safe and Sirius and Remus were with him.
"Hey, uh, guys," Harry said awkwardly as Albus shut the door.
"Oh, Harry! It's so good to see you!" Hermione said, going up to him and giving him a hug.
Harry stiffened, not wanting that physical contact.
"Mione, let him breathe," Ron said, pulling Hermione away from Harry.
"Harry, it's good to see you mate," Ron said.
Harry gave him a weak smile.
Neville, Ginny, and Draco were there, too. Draco could tell something was up with Harry and said hello, but kept his distance.
"Where have you been? We've been so worried!" Hermione said.
"Uh, I've just been out. It's no big deal."
Albus was in the corner, waiting for Harry to become situated before he left. He heard Harry's answer and raised his eyebrows.
"Okay, but what?" Ron asked.
Harry didn't know how to answer. "It's nothing," he eventually said.
No one seemed to believe this, but they didn't say anything. Harry was now playing with the sleeves of his robes and his breathing was a bit faster than normal.
"Harry, you can tell them. They're your closest friends," Albus encouraged, taking some steps forward.
"We do care about you, Harry," Ginny said.
Harry didn't know what to do. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't even want to be here, but he felt trapped.
"Uh, okay, I guess," Harry said, still playing with his sleeves.
"Just say what you're comfortable with, Harry. We don't want to pressure you," Neville said.
"I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it yet," Harry admitted.
Harry had conversations about the Horcruxes with Ron, Hermione, and Draco, but not Neville and Ginny. He didn't want them to know. He didn't want to burden anyone else with this knowledge.
"He was doing something to help stop Voldemort," Albus said, walking up to the group. "It takes a lot out of you mentally, emotionally, and physically."
Ron, Hermione, and Draco all knew what Albus was talking about, but they knew that Neville and Ginny didn't know.
"I don't mean to be a dick, but Ginny and Neville, you have to leave. This is something Harry hasn't shared with you yet. He will, but he hasn't," Draco said bluntly.
Ginny and Neville seemed almost relieved to be getting out of the situation. They could tell Harry was uncomfortable.
"We understand. We'll be in the Common Room if you need anything," Neville said, walking out with Ginny.
"Now, I assume you've told them about the Horcruxes," Albus said knowingly once the door was shut.
Harry flinched at the word 'Horcruxes' and started to breathe even faster.
"I know we've asked you to keep this secret, but I am aware that you've told your friends," Albus said.
Harry started to shut down. He didn't know Albus was aware and he wasn't ready for this conversation at all.
"Harry said there were seven Horcruxes, Sir. How many are left?" Hermione asked.
"Ah, that I cannot say right now. I can say that destroying it left Harry with some trauma."
Harry started to go into a panic attack now. His friends didn't need to know about his recent traumatic experience! Harry knew that that was something that he should tell when he was ready.
"What happened?" Hermione asked.
Draco knew that he needed to step in now.
"Harry isn't liking this. We need to stop."
"He's fine, aren't you Harry?" Albus asked.
Albus could now see that Harry was heading into a panic attack. "Harry?" Albus repeated, walking toward him and placing a hand on his arm.
Harry jerked away and hit a desk. He fell to the ground and pulled his knees up to his chest.
Everyone was looking at him and Harry kept breathing faster and faster and he was beyond overwhelmed and panicked at the moment.
"You're safe, Harry," Ron said, stepping toward him.
Harry squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't want this. He didn't want this. He didn't want this.
Harry felt an overwhelming wave of panic and started to gasp for air. He felt like he was having a heart attack, which scared him even more.
Harry grabbed onto his necklace and held it tight, not knowing what else to do.
Meanwhile, Sirius was teaching a class and Remus was in a session when they felt the necklace heat up.
Both paused for a moment to see if it was going away, but it was only getting warmer.
Sirius had stopped in the middle of his lecture when it happened and said, "I need to leave. Class dismissed."
The students looked at each other in shock as Sirius hastily grabbed his papers and shoved them in his bag as he ran out.
Remus waited until the student stopped speaking and said, "I'm sorry, Lorraine. There's an emergency happening and I need to go."
"How do you know?" Lorraine asked.
"Special magic. We'll reschedule soon, alright?"
Lorraine wasn't sure what to make of what was happening, but got the hint when Remus opened the door.
She walked out and immediately Remus waved his wand, shutting everything up and flooed to their quarters.
However, it was quiet when he got there. He ran into Harry's bedroom and found it empty and Harry's pajamas on the floor.
"Shit! Shit!" Remus said.
Sirius burst through the doors now. "Harry?! Harry?!"
"He's not here, Pads," Remus said. "We've got to get the map."
They quickly flooed to Remus' office and dug through the drawers for the map. Remus found it and quickly opened it up.
Sirius peered over his shoulder to look and eventually found Harry after opening a few flaps. "There he is!"
"Let's go," Remus said. They flooed to the closest place, but still had to sprint close to half a minute to get to the room.
Remus found Harry on the floor, holding his necklace for dear life. Ron, Hermione, and Albus were trying to talk to him and were too close to Harry.
"Sirius," Remus said.
"On it," Sirius said, knowing what he meant.
"Time to go," Sirius said, ushering them out.
"But Harry! We want to know if he's going to be alright?!" They protested.
"He'll be okay. Professor Lupin needs space to help Harry. It doesn't help to have an audience."
Ron and Hermione couldn't argue with that. They allowed Sirius to lead him out. Once the kids were gone, Sirius pulled Albus out of the room, too.
"Sirius, I don't know what happened. We were just talking and then he was in a panic attack!"
"We'll find out. Right now, you need to wait here. We'll get you when it's time to come back in.
All of a sudden, Draco comes running in.
"I couldn't find him. His office was empty. I'll go look- Professor Black! We've been trying to find you or Professor Lupin! It's Harry, he-"
Sirius held his hand up. "I know. Professor Lupin is in there with Harry now. It's best if you go back to your dorm."
"I want to make sure he's okay," Draco said.
"We will tell you, I promise. Now I have to go help."
Sirius didn't wait to hear anything else as he slipped back in.
Harry was gasping for breath and Remus slowly made his way toward him.
"Harry, it's Moony Da. I'm here. You're safe."
"Can't breathe. I'm dying!" Harry managed to say through the gasps for air.
Remus hadn't seen Harry in a panic attack like this for a long time. He normally was aware he was going into a panic attack, but Harry did not seem to know what was going on.
"It's scary, isn't it? You're having a panic attack. You're not dying," Remus explained softly. "I'm going to get behind you, okay?"
Harry didn't answer, but something registered in his mind as Remus wrapped himself around Harry and held him tight.
"I've got you. Shh, I've got you. You're safe," Remus soothed.
Sirius came in now and quickly shifted to Padfoot and made his way on Harry's lap.
It took at least a minute before Harry started to slow his breathing down and start to register what was happening. He eventually let go of his necklace and started to shakily pet Padfoot.
"There you go. Keep taking deep breaths with me, Cub. You're doing great," Remus praised in the same soft, kind tone.
Harry eventually got his breathing back to normal, albeit shaky.
"We're here, Cub," Remus said.
Harry put his head into Padfoot's fur and held it there, inhaling the comforting scent. He picked his head back up and leaned it into Remus' arm.
"I just wanna go," Harry murmured in a small voice.
"We can do that," Remus affirmed. "Is there anything you'd like to say before we go back?"
Harry shook his head. "Wanna go."
"Okay, Harry. We're going to get up slowly. You might be dizzy so Dadfoot and I are going to help you up."
Padfoot popped back into Sirius and Remus got out from behind Harry and they grabbed his hands as they helped him up.
Harry wobbled, despite going slow and had to stand for a minute with his eyes closed before he could think of moving.
He opened his eyes after a moment and started to walk again.
Sirius and Remus both carefully helped Harry out of the empty classroom and Albus was still waiting there.
"Harry! Are you alright?" Albus asked.
Harry froze at hearing Albus' voice.
Remus could feel how his son stiffened up. "Albus, Harry needs space right now. We will talk later."
Albus heard the Alpha in Remus' voice and took a step back. "I understand. I will be in my office if you need me."
Remus and Sirius took Harry to the closest classroom to floo back to their quarters. Harry went straight into bed when he got there.
"Harry, Pup, what happened?" Sirius asked.
"Don't wanna talk about it," Harry mumbled, looking around the room for something.
"We want to help and finding out what happened is a great way to start," Sirius said.
Harry's hand found his wrist and he began scratching, not being able to find what he was looking for.
Remus noticed this immediately and quickly handed Prongsy to Harry. "Here Love, try this."
Harry immediately hugged the stuffy and started to pull on his antlers.
"You're safe now, Harry," Remus said, crouching by his bed. "Moony Da and Dadfoot have got you."
Harry moved and hugged Prongsy close to him as he laid down.
"How are you feeling, Harry?" Remus asked gently.
"Dunno," Harry replied, in the same small voice.
Remus was suspecting it, but was now confident that Harry had regressed some.
"What would make you feel better right now?" Sirius asked.
"Songs," Harry said shyly.
Both Sirius and Remus smiled, they knew what he was talking about. When Harry was little, like many other parents, they sang him lullabies and songs. They haven't done it in ages.
"We'd be happy to," Sirius said.
So Sirius began to sing Blackbird, by The Beatles and then they both sang Beautiful Boy, of course, by John Lennon.
Harry was nearly asleep by now and they sang some traditional lullabies until he was sound asleep.
Remus put up a silencing charm bubble around Harry's head.
"Remus, what the hell happened?" Sirius asked.
"I'm not sure, but it clearly affected him. We've got to talk to the kids and Albus until Harry is ready to share. Right now, we can just be here for him."
Sirius nodded and Remus removed the silencing charm. Sirius eventually popped into Padfoot and laid on the bed near Harry and Remus smiled watching it. A moment of peace.
About an hour passed before Remus tapped on Padfoot. Sirius popped into himself and Remus cast a silencing charm.
"What's up?"
"I think one of us needs to talk to one of the kids and find out what happened. I don't think Harry will open up quickly and we need to figure out what took place."
"You should go," Sirius said. "You're good at getting important information out of people. I'm still very angry at the whole situation and I'm not sure who to blame, but I have a guess," Sirius said as his face darkened over.
"Yes, I think that person is to blame too, but let's figure out what really happened before we go pointing fingers."
Sirius nodded and gave Remus a long hug before popping back into Padfoot and curling up near Harry once again.
Remus made sure that this movement didn't wake Harry up before he quietly crept out.
Remus started out in the dungeons. He knocked on Severus' office door, wanting to know where Draco was, but when the door opened, Draco was already in there sitting in one of the chairs.
"How's Harry?" Draco immediately asked, standing up.
"He's resting now. I wanted to know what happened."
Draco took a deep breath and said, "Professor Dumbledore gathered us all together, me, Ron, Hermione, Neville, and Ginny. He said that Harry needed friends right now. When Harry got there, he seemed immediately uncomfortable. Someone had asked him what happened and Harry said he didn't want to talk about it. Professor Dumbledore stepped in and said that Harry had done something that was really hard or something like that. Then I kicked Neville and Ginny out because I knew he was talking about the Horcruxes and they don't know about them. Harry started to panic. I tried to get them to stop, but it was too late. When we realized he wasn't going to calm down with help, I ran to get one of you."
Remus was furious that Albus thought it was okay to do that. He didn't want to blow up in front of Severus and Draco, so he took a few deep breaths.
While he was doing that, Severus put his hand on his head and shook it. "Merlin, that meddling old man," he muttered. He looked up and asked, "Is Harry alright?"
"He's resting right now. We'll know more when he wakes up. Thank you for asking."
"When can I see him?" Draco asked.
Remus gave Draco a small smile, "Not now. Maybe tomorrow, but we'll see."
Draco nodded, understanding.
"Thank you for all of this, Mr. Malfoy. I need to check-in with the Gryffindors but I appreciate it."
"Of course," Draco said.
Remus smiled at them and walked away to the Gryffindor Tower. He was so lost in his thoughts he almost missed a few turns and stepped on the wrong staircase, but he made it safely.
Remus heard the same story from them and had to calm down all of his worried friends before he left.
Remus wanted nothing more than to go to Albus' office and give him a piece of his mind, but he knew he couldn't do that without Sirius.
Remus, on his way back to the quarters, made sure he calmed his energy down so he could be there for Harry when he wakes up.
Sirius heard Remus come back up, but he didn't dare move from his spot as Padfoot.
Sirius lifted his head up when Remus entered and all Remus had to do was nod at him.
Sirius growled slightly, absolutely livid, but a calming pet from Remus helped him settle.
"We have to be there for Harry," Remus whispered. "We'll have our time. Let's just be present in the moment for our son."
Padfoot made an agreeable noise and settled back down.
Albus Dumbledore sure had a hell of a conversation coming for him.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
16. Puzzles (jigsaw, Sudoku)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652 OR 116 123
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
Mexico: 5255102550
Romania: 0800 801 200
Australia: 13 11 14