Helena sat in a low chair at the end of the small dock overlooking the lake. It was beautiful here, and so peaceful. Now and then, she saw a bird or even a deer wandering near the cabin. They didn't seem to mind her presence at all.

She was wrapped in a thin quilt, the air up here a bit more chilly than down in Caladh. She stared out over the sparkling water, its color such a shade of blue that it didn't seem natural. She could feel some of the tension from the last day or so slowly leaving her body.

Sometimes, she had so much going on in her head that her thoughts just crashed together in a jumble. Tremane used to tease her that she was so busy planning ten steps ahead that her ideas bounced off the inside of her skull like balls on a tennis court.

Tremane.

Just thinking about his name made her heart clench. She wasn't sure what she was more upset at, that he would just offer her a courting token as if it were a matter of course that they life-bond, or her own reaction to it. She could have at least told him she was upset by it.

Not that he didn't already know that, Helena. You ran out on him. Pretty sure he guessed it at that point.

Still, while she was utterly shocked when he'd pulled the token out of his pocket, the look of hurt in his eyes when she'd backed away in horror…

Her heart clenched again at the thought of his pain. Heart-bonds were said to be agonizing at times. Now she believed it.

You couldn't just say 'hold up'… or just say 'wait a second here'… oh, no. You had to act like bonding with him was something repulsive. You couldn't have humiliated him more if you'd run screaming through the ballroom for all to see.

And the real tragedy of it was, she knew that she loved him. She couldn't imagine going through life with anyone but him. It was just… how was that supposed to fit in with her plans? Her dreams? His dreams? They'd talked about it so often, to the point that they had been looking at Aboveground universities to start their journey toward building the Collegium… only for him to pull out a courting token. Was he still on board with their goals? Or did he change his mind?

And that's the problem… you didn't stay long enough to even ask.

And… why the courting token, anyway? The whole bonding process never really made much sense to her. You meet someone and your hearts check each other out. Or, in her case, she grew up with him, so their hearts were already pretty close. Okay… so far, so good. If your hearts match up, you get the heart-bond. Makes sense… her heart matched his heart. Okay. Then he gives you a necklace… and you… what? Claim him as yours? Fine, but… didn't she already do that when her heart bonded with his? Wearing his sigil… well, that made sense when you were married, but courting? What was the courting period for, anyway? Their hearts were already bonded… shouldn't the courting be before the token? To maybe get her warmed up to the idea? And what about him? As a male, he was expected to devote himself entirely to her. When, in all this process, did he get the chance to come to terms with what that would mean? After the token was given? Wasn't it too late at that point?

And the 'courting' words. They sure didn't sound like courting words to her. They sounded like… wedding vows. Like the ones Mom had told her about when she'd described her Aboveground wedding. But… if they were wedding vows, then why was the bonding wish considered the marriage?

Love him. Fear him. Do as he says. Let him rule you.

Love him… she did. Even though he could still needle her mercilessly, he was just… perfect. He had the right mix of humor, sarcasm and sexiness to get her heart beating faster just with the thought of him. And while he could (and did) exasperate her on a daily basis, she loved that about him. Loved that he could tweak her nose now and then. Loved how he could cajole her into a better mood, no matter how bad she felt. Loved how he looked… loved his voice… loved his scent…

Fear him… well, not really. Not for herself at any rate. He'd defended her quite savagely when they'd snuck away to that amusement park Aboveground and those guys thought she'd make a good victim. He was pretty damn scary then. But fear him? He'd never hurt her… why would she be afraid of him? Or… was it like Karina said… more of a mental thing… to fear disappointing him, not fear harm from him. That's what she feared the most… that she'd let him down.

Do as he says. Right. Mom once said that it had nothing to do with being subordinate to him… it was an acknowledgment of trust. Because a man would quite literally die for his mate… and he would never command her unless her life depended upon it. Did she have that level of trust in him? Well… yes… she did. He'd already proved that he would defend her with his life… of course, she trusted him.

Let him rule you… well, in a way he already did. His opinion mattered to her, probably more than anyone else's. Her father ruled her by virtue of being her King. But Tremane… he ruled her just with a look. A smile. His opinion was the standard she held herself to, above all others. And it was something she allowed, not something he could take. She could live with that.

Children came from lifebonds. Made sense. Danu wouldn't want to send children unless the parents were fully committed to each other. But what about a honeymoon? Othánas didn't have them, but humans did. They had divorces too, which proved that they weren't all that smart when it came to marriage, but she had to admit… she thought the humans were on to something with their marriage customs. Most couples ended up conceiving a year or so after their bonding wish. That didn't give much time to settle into married life, did it? Mom got pregnant with Jacen a little over a year after she'd made the bonding wish with Dad. With the lifespans the Othánas had, this was almost obscenely quick. Shouldn't a couple have some time to themselves before they became parents? At least more than a year…

None of it made sense to her, really. She accepted that she loved Tremane, even that their hearts were bonded to each other permanently. She could accept fearing him, doing as he said when the chips were down and letting him rule her by virtue of wanting his tacit approval. But… why couldn't they be together without the life-bond? Not that she wouldn't make the bonding wish eventually. She did want children someday… just… not yet. And she thought he understood that…

Arrrgh… your mind is going in circles again, Helena. Breathe…

She was ripped out of her reverie by the sound of footsteps on the dock. Turning her head a bit, she could see her sister walking toward her.

Damn.

"I thought I'd find you here," Karina said brightly.

Helena raised a brow. "Not too hard to find me if Dad told you where I was."

"He didn't. It wasn't too hard to figure out. Where else would you be if not at the castle?"

This annoyed her. She didn't like the thought of being so predictable. "Well, now you've found me. What did you want?"

This time it was Karina's brow that lifted. "A little touchy today, aren't we?"

Helena sighed, "Karina, I'm not really in the mood for this. There's a reason I came here, you know."

"That's what I came to talk to you about. Everyone else is too scared to even try to approach you. So… I figured I'd give it a shot."

Helena's gaze narrowed on her sister. "Scared? Why would anyone be scared to approach me? Because sometimes I just don't want to share my feelings with all and sundry?"

"See what I mean? Sweet Goddess, Helena… you act like our concern for you is an inconvenience."

"Well, I hate to point this out, but I didn't suggest that you inconvenience yourself."

"I meant an inconvenience for you. You have a family that loves you… and you treat us like we're your… adversaries. What the hell, Helena?"

"I don't…"

"Yes. You do. Dad's worried about you. But he won't ask you what's wrong because he's afraid you'll be angry. The King of the Goblins is afraid to offend you. Think about that. Or Mom… even she hesitates when it comes to trying to get through to you. I think she'd rather Run the Labyrinth again rather than risk pissing you off. We love you and yet… it's as if it doesn't matter to you."

"Of course you matter to me. All of you do. It's just… there are things you can't help me with. No one can. So… I prefer to keep them to myself."

"But that's just it… you don't have to keep them to yourself. You act like… you're all alone in this world with no one to help you… but that's not true. You just won't let us."

"It's not a matter of letting you help me. You can't. I just need to… work through some things. Myself."

"And Tremane?"

Helena felt her face twitch at the mention of his name. "What of him?" she growled.

"One minute you're dancing together, your faces glowing. The next, you're running out of the ballroom, and he looks like someone killed his pet dog."

Helena's whole body cringed at that. Clenching her jaws together for a moment, she took a breath. "I don't want to discuss this, Karina. I really don't."

Karina looked down at her, almost in horror. "Helena…"

Helena looked at Karina gravely, "Karina. You are my sister, and I love you. But my life is my own, and I keep my own counsel. I've said that I don't want to discuss the matter. I mean it." She turned her face towards the lake.

Karina huffed, "Fine. If that's how you want to be… then be that way. It's typical of you… what Helena wants… what Helena thinks… you never could look past yourself and see the people around you unless they're dancing to your tune. And Goddess knows, no one can tell you when you're wrong. You've got your eyes on your end goal, sure. And you'll step on anyone who happens to get in the way and crush them. Family. Friends. Potential lovers. Do you even care about who you hurt?"

That stung, but Helena didn't let her expression change. She kept looking out at the lake, determined that Karina wouldn't know that her barb had found its mark.

"You hurt him, Helena. The least you could do is talk to him," said Karina, softly.

She continued to keep her eyes on the lake and her mouth shut. She knew she'd hurt him. Of course she knew. And it hurt her, too.

Just leave me alone… I just need to think… just leave me be… she shouted mentally at her sister. She kept her expression neutral.

Eventually, Karina gave a disgusted snort and walked away from her. Helena kept her gaze on the lake until she could hear Karina's horse galloping away.

And now, she'll get Mom involved, she thought to herself. I can ignore Karina. Mom is a whole other matter.

Her thoughts chased themselves around her brain. She didn't want to cause Tremane any more pain than she already had. And if Mom got involved… it could get ugly. Worse, she could just picture Mom dragging Tremane here and throwing them both into the cabin, refusing to let them out until they reconciled.

Not if you're somewhere else…

The thought drew her up short. Mom couldn't interrogate her if she wasn't here to be interrogated. She felt a brief shiver of anxiety at the thought of just up and leaving… but then, she was an adult now. She had the right to do as she pleased and didn't need her mother's permission anymore.

But where could she go where she could just… breathe? Where she could take some time and just think things through without everyone nattering at her?

At that moment, a brilliant yellow butterfly winged its way across her vision. She watched it flutter by… and recalled what she'd heard about the Butterfly Festival up in Surinar Vale. Northwest of here… right on the spot where the borders of Iftanzel, the Dwarven Kingdom and the Goblin Kingdom met. Officially part of the Goblin Kingdom, it had residents from all three nations. It was one of the few places in the Goblin Kingdom that Fae could come without being thrown bodily back over the border… with or without their heads attached.

Every year, they held a festival when the butterflies came out of their chrysalis and filled the air with their colorful wings. It usually lasted a week, and drew all sorts of merchants, entertainers and craftsmen. It sounded like just the place to relax and get her head on straight.

She could go back to Caladh and use the Visitor Center's transport runes to get to the Vale. No one would be the wiser.

Smiling for the first time since that disastrous Ball, Helena rose and walked to the cabin to pack her things.

Author's Notes:

While Helena might come off as a bit of a bitch in this chapter, it's not that. She loves her family dearly, but she has a hard time opening up about what's going on in her head and in her heart. It's not that the people she loves aren't worthy of her thoughts… it's more that she doesn't think anyone can help her get her head on straight except herself. In a way, she views it as a weakness in herself if she has to spill out her feelings for someone else to figure out for her. It's probably her biggest flaw… she thinks she's letting people down if she is weak in any way.

As for Tremane, she clearly loves him and wants a life with him. It's the timing of everything that's tripping her up. She hasn't quite figured out that it's not an either/or situation. She doesn't have to choose between a life with him and her goals. She can have both. Yes, she should have just talked to him about it. And she recognizes that now. But she has to get her thoughts in order before she can approach him. This is something he is well aware of and understands, which is why he is keeping his distance until she is ready to talk to him. It's funny… everyone is all flustered at what's going on between them, except Tremane himself. He knows she'll come to the right conclusions at some point and is willing to wait until she does.