Chapter notes: This chapter contains descriptions of non consensual drug use. Please read with caution if you are triggered by this.
"Yeah, I'm nearly there…" Keeley's soft voice floated up the stairs.
Roy didn't move from his place sitting on the couch as Rebecca continued to pace around the office. He'd been unable to calm her down enough to sit and unable to answer her questions about what she did after the match in Gdańsk. He'd been with the rest of the team, who had flown back to London early the following morning while she and Rupert had stayed another 2 days.
2 days that she had no recollection of.
With a nod to Roy, Keeley walked straight over to Rebecca and handed her phone over.
"Rebecca? What happened?" Neither Keeley or Roy could hear the other side of the conversation.
"I'm missing time… 2 months before I left Rupert we went to Gdańsk for a friendly and I don't remember most of it."
"Ok, Rebecca, take a deep breath" Emily instructs and waits to hear the inhale and exhale before continuing. "We talked about this before, don't borrow trouble. Sometimes we simply forget things… and I know that's not your experience but there's no point in panicking until we know for sure."
Rebecca nods and takes another deep breath, she doesn't see Keeley's questioning look or Roy shaking his head in an attempt to keep her quiet.
"Now, I'm going to swing by your place and pick up Adrianna. She can take Addy home and we'll go and see if we can find out what happened."
"I'd prefer to keep her with me…" Rebecca doesn't know why she's hesitant to be separated from Addy at this moment. Emily pauses and considers her options, she can force the issue but she knows immediately that will backfire on her. She has worked hard over the last 3 years to retain Rebecca's trust and isn't willing to do anything to risk it.
"So Adrianna and Addy will come with us. We're going to try something different this time, so we'll be going to the office. I'll get Adrianna to pack a bag with some toys and snacks. Give me an hour." Emily was quickly texting Marnie to get the EMDR set up.
"I'll wait in my office… Roy and Keeley are with me, well I'm assuming they won't be moving any time soon."
Roy turned and locked eyes with her and slowly shook his head, he wouldn't be going anywhere. Beside him Keeley nodded her agreement.
Hanging up the phone, Rebecca didn't speak to either of her friends, instead busying herself making a cup of tea. Without even thinking about it, she made two additional cups and handed them over.
She doesn't immediately acknowledge the concern radiating off them or the question in their eyes. She knows that neither of them will let her go with Emily without an explanation of some kind and isn't even sure what to say to them or how to say it.
Nearly 15 minutes pass before she senses Keeley's patience is at its end, so she gives what she hopes is a decent explanation.
"When I left Rupert, I found out I have gaps in my memory." she explains quietly "Lauren found me a psychologist who has been helping me try and fill them in. I thought we'd found all of them so it is rather jarring to discover another one."
Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Roy's fists clench and Keeley's jaw drop. It's the best explanation she can offer and is mostly true. She hopes that on the day the truth comes to light, they'll be able to forgive her.
"It's incredibly disconcerting, trying to piece the memories together." Rebecca continues in an attempt to stave off questions she doesn't want to answer "I don't want to talk about it. I won't discuss it any further." She turns her head to catch both of their gazes so they know she is serious. "It's not a lack of trust or love for either of you. I trust you with the most important thing in my life, with Addy and I will do just about anything for both of you but I won't share this. I can't." She takes another sip of her tea.
"But you are sharing it with someone, yeah?" Keeley speaks before Roy can stop her.
Rebecca smiles weakly "Sassy helps and Lauren has been an amazing support."
When Emily walks in nearly an hour later with Adrianna in tow, the office is silent and there is a tension there that isn't hard for her to define. The suspicious look from Keeley tells her everything she needs to know.
Roy gives her the same look he'd given her 3 years before in the Crown and Anchor when he'd threatened to headbut her if she didn't look after Rebecca.
"Keeley, can you run interference for Rebecca, make sure she gets to the car without anyone interrupting her." Emily rubs Rebecca's shoulder as the blonde gently picks a still sleeping Addy up.
A mutinous look comes over the younger woman's face but she does as asked and leaves Emily and Roy alone.
"I'm not going to ask any fucking questions. I know you won't answer them…" Roy growls "I also know there's a lot that Rebecca isn't talking about either and I'm beginning to wonder if there's something more… something bigger that we all suspected but no one ever fucking spoke about." he lets his statement hang in the air.
"Are you asking me a question?" Emily baits him. Surprisingly Roy doesn't rise to it, instead shaking his head and huffing.
"Nah, you wouldn't answer it anyway. All I'm saying is Mannion is a piece of shit and I wouldn't be surprised if he was a bigger piece of shit than any of us think. And you are up to your eyeballs in it. I haven't worked out how yet but I will and when I do, we're going to have a proper fucking conversation." he pushes past her and heads to the door, only to be stopped by her quiet voice.
"I'm doing everything I can to protect them… and yes one day we'll have a conversation about all of this."
"EMDR stands for Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing" Marnie sat opposite Rebecca "it's designed to help process traumatic memories. We've found that using EMDR in conjunction with cognitive interviews alleviates the trauma associated with the memories. In your case, I believe it will make the next few days easier as you process any memories we recover."
"Right then…" Rebecca takes a deep breath. "Let's get to it."
Marnie reaches out and sets the metronome going.
The movement and noise is hypnotising, Rebecca's eyes following it automatically.
Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock…
"It was late July, we flew to Gdańsk for a friendly against Lechia. We stayed at Hotel Gdańsk, in the Presidential suite but Rupert still complained about it. It wasn't good enough but then nothing ever is. We flew in that morning and then had lunch at Tygle… he ordered me the crayfish soup…" Rebecca made a face "It had been years since I ordered my own meal, since I'd been allowed a proper meal… I didn't finish the wine he ordered for me, I wasn't in the mood."
Her eyes hadn't moved from the metronome, flickering back and forth.
"The drive out to the stadium was tense, I didn't want to be there… I hated travelling for friendlies and he knew it. Everything was about the team and the match and what he wanted. He hated doing the things I enjoyed, the museum's and art galleries, going to shows, seeing what the locals saw… he'd make me go with him and do the things he wanted to do until he wanted to do things without me then he'd send me back to the hotel to wait for him. Gdańsk was no different."
"Tell me about the match…" Marnie prompts.
"We scored twice in the first 15 minutes. Lechia could barely get possession, let alone keep it long enough to score. I was bored but I couldn't let it show… so I sat there and pretended to care. Just before the first half ends Roy scores… were up 3 nil… I stayed in our seats during half time, I didn't want to socialise… Rupert comes back just before the whistle blows and hands me a glass of champagne… it tastes different… probably a local variety that isn't real champagne."
Marnie's gaze drifts up to meet Emily's over the top of Rebecca's head, both wondering the same thing.
"What happened in the second half of the match?" Marnie pushes. Rebecca frowns as she focuses on the memory.
"My heart is pounding… it's all I can hear but everything else is fuzzy… I can't… I'm dizzy, but I can't really say anything… I'm just sitting there… I feel… I feel numb. Disconnected…
"Finish your wine dear…"
"Rupert wants me to finish the wine… I try to ignore him, but he's insistent… I feel… I feel off… the match is still going but I can't focus on it… the whistle blows, it's over… we won 4 nil… I missed the last goal, how did I miss that… Rupert is talking to me but it's hard to make out what he is saying."
"I've warned you about having too much darling"
"His arm is around my waist, his fingers dig in… into my ribs… I can feel it but it doesn't hurt… he's talking to people about the match… we're in the car… he hands me a bottle of water, tells me I'm dehydrated… I take a drink but it doesn't help… I just want to lie down…"
"You just stay here and rest…"
"I'm in bed, I can't move… Rupert is still there… he's on the phone… organising to meet someone… he's not happy… I… I just want to sleep…"
"Bloody Hastings can make his own way next time…"
Rebecca's eyes slip closed and she slumped back "I'm back on the plane… there's nothing after that…"
It was the first cognitive interview that hadn't left her almost hyperventilating.
"Sounds like he roofied you…" Emily spoke from her place behind Rebecca "If I had to guess he slipped ketamine or something similar into your drink at the match. Not a lot, enough to make you pliable and then he probably gave you more in the car."
Rebecca lets out a huff "You know, I should be feeling something about this… anger or surprise sadness maybe but… I don't. What's one more thing?"
"On the upside, you gave us another lead. Whoever this Hastings is, I'll start looking into it."
On Monday morning Roy is waiting in her office, she's a little surprised that he waited this long to speak with her.
Rebecca had been expecting either him or Keeley to be on her front door step when she finally got home late Saturday night. She was both surprised and relieved to find no one there.
"You alright?" he grunts as he makes them both tea.
"Will be." She sits behind her desk.
"Good."
They sit and drink their tea in silence. Once both cups are empty, he nods and leaves to go start training.
Weeks later as she's standing by the bar in Ola's drinking champagne with Keeley and Sassy she stares at the matchbook Sam has just handed her.
A green matchbook, how lovely
It was a coincidence, it had to be. A lucky guess on Tish's part.
"Green…" She takes the tequila shot out of Keeley's hand and downs it before she can think too hard.
"Order another round…" she instructs Keeley before sucking on the last of the lemon.
The week they play West Ham is not a good one.
The entire club is on tenterhooks and Rebecca is right there with them. The peace of mind she'd managed to find earlier in the season and with the recruitment of Zava is gone as she reads Rupert's latest quote to Keeley.
"Oh, listen to what Rupert said in this one. 'I truly look forward to seeing my old club again. Richmond are top-class.'"
Before Keeley can respond, Rebecca's phone beeps with an incoming message.
Do you have room for 2 more at the match? Lyle and I would love to come.
She quickly flicks through the box allocation in her mind. If she recalls the West Ham visiting owners box correctly, there are 20 seats available.
3 for herself, Leslie and Keeley, at the last check 10 had been allocated to minority owners and sponsors.
Before she can reply, Shandy is in the room talking about heading over to the club to record a Bantr promo. Rebecca is only half listening, she trusts Keeley not to overstep with any of the players.
It's Barbara's request that captures her attention.
"Um, if possible, could I get two tickets for the Richmond-West Ham match? Jack might be coming to London this weekend."
"Of course… Who's Jack?" Rebecca doesn't miss Keeley's confusion.
"Jack Danvers. The head of the VC that funded your company… Our boss." The judgement in Barbara's voice is worrying, Rebecca doesn't like the way the CFO is looking down on Keeley. Admittedly, Keeley may not have done herself any favours by not knowing who this Jack is.
"Yes. That Jack. Of course."
"That's not a problem, Barbara. I can let you have some seats in my suite." Rebecca bails Keeley out of the awkward moment. She always will.
"Oh. Lovely. Thank you so much, Rebecca. That's so kind of you and so efficient."
Lauren and Lyle are coming to the match. Keeley needs 3 additional seats as well. Get the tickets couriered as required.
She quickly messages Leslie and then responds to Emily with an affirmative. It will be good to have the backup and support there.
Later that evening as she is leaving the club, Rebecca wanders down through the locker room. She honestly doesn't expect to find anyone still there but finds Ted sitting alone in the manager's office.
She'd noticed his distraction but had been so caught up in her own issues that it had been hard to make time to talk to him about it.
Maybe now was the perfect opportunity.
Opening the door, she leaned through "Working late or hardly working?"
There's something defeated in Ted's posture that he tries to hide behind a quip and a joke but after 2 years of friendship Rebecca sees right through him.
It helps that Sassy had called her from the Uber that morning to fill her in on both the night and the morning.
"I really want to win this one" she gives him a way out of having to discuss anything personal.
"I know…"
"Everything ok?" Rebecca steps fully into the office and closes the door behind her. He takes a moment to gather his thoughts.
"Am I a mess?"
"Of course you are." She knows what he wants to hear, but their friendship has never been based on lies… well not since the day she had admitted to him why she had actually hired him. "That's why we get along. And I wish I could tell you to ignore Sass, but she's usually right."
"So, Sassy already told you about the… Of course. Girl talk." he shakes his head and looks down. He should know better by now that nothing is sacred between Stinky and Sassy.
"Girl talk." She nods slowly, then repeats her question. "So, is everything all right?"
"Yeah, I'm good."
"Oklahoma?" She uses the word rarely, knowing precisely what it means for him. What it was used for and how much he had been hurting over the fact that his wife was now dating their former therapist. She hopes she can start to change the connotations of the word. Make it something trustworthy.
"I'm a work in progmess." He finally admits.
"Good night, Ted." Rebecca reopens the door to step out, accepting that that is all she will get from him tonight.
"You already won, you know? You got that turkey out of your life." She wishes he was correct, but Rupert was still lurking in the shadows.
"Beat them." she asks.
"Good night, boss."
Rebecca spends the morning of the match against West Ham playing with Addy in her back garden.
It's a cold and dreary day, with the sun occasionally peeking through the clouds but neither of them care.
They water the plants together. Check the roses and poppies. A handful of daisies are picked to make flower crowns. Rebecca blows bubbles and watches Addy chase them, some floating out of reach and into the sky, others bursting on tiny hands. All surrounded by delighted giggles from both of them.
It's these moments of peace and joy that make her think that perhaps every moment of her 11 year marriage may have been worth it. Without those years, Rebecca knows she wouldn't have this moment and so many others like it.
Those desperate early days of her pregnancy when she was sick and injured and so desperately heart broken, yet so desperately hopeful. The peaceful days where she only needed to worry about keeping her baby safe inside her, growing every day, the first gentle flutters that grew into kicks and wiggles. The days in hospital desperately begging the universe for just one more month or week or day of being pregnant. The first few weeks at home, alone with the baby, trying to find a semblance of a routine. Sleep that came in fits and bursts for both of them and no one to help or share it with. Seeing Addy's first smile, first tooth, the first time she sat up alone and when she crawled and spoke her first word.
Watching Addy get to know Emily and Roy and Beth, Keeley and Sassy, Ted and Beard and all the Greyhounds.
Watching her mother and daughter get to know one another over the last few months.
Quiet nights, reading with Addy curled into her chest. Her warm little body, so trusting and so comforting.
She seldom lets herself consider that if she had never met Rupert, there may have been another. His opposite who cherished her and they would still be together. They would have had Addy and happily given her siblings. Sitting in a yard with this mythical 'him' and their mythical children, the match playing on the television in the background as they went about their weekend.
Addy and Nora would have grown up together, and been followed around by Addy's siblings. Their weeks would have been filled with their average life and their average jobs, school drop offs and pickups. Music lessons and sports practice, laundry every other day to keep school uniforms clean… Richmond AFC would be the footy club her father adored, nothing more and nothing less.
Keeley would just be a face in the paper or a magazine, Roy and Jamie and Isaac and Colin and Sam, all just passing names that she would be vaguely familiar with. Ted and Beard and Emily would just be another of the billions of people in the world she never met. Perhaps she would have met Beth during a hospital visit when one of the children was sick or injured.
She never would have never had to cover up a bruise, hide in her house until the evidence of violence was no longer painted all over her skin. Never been drugged, never feared being found. Her fear for her children would have been the fear of a normal average mother who hadn't forced her child's father out of their life.
Yet Rebecca knows her life is richer for the people in it. The joy they bring her, the love they shower on herself and her daughter. The idea of Emily not being there to teach Addy how to stand staunchly against the storms the world will throw at her, Ted showing her how to love openly, purely and wholly. Keeley proving you can be yourself while still evolving to be more than anyone lets you think is possible. Beard teaching her to embrace all parts of herself, Roy and Beth showing love needn't be loud and out in the world for all to see… It can be calm and quiet and a safe place.
She hates Rupert with a fury that she's not sure she can ever fully explain, yet he gave her this perfect little person to love.
Even that isn't enough to cool her ire, so she boxes it up and puts it away for now. She puts away the anger and the sadness and the mythical life she doesn't let herself think about.
Tish was wrong. Addy will never know a father, it would only ever be the two of them.
After a long morning of play, Rebecca hands her sleepy toddler over to the Nanny and heads upstairs to get dressed for the match.
Her wardrobe is as carefully curated as ever. It's her armour against the world and her way of projecting strength.
She settles on all black, and pulls out her houndstooth coat to go with it. Makeup is done to perfection and jewellery carefully selected to show both good taste and wealth.
Rebecca knows deep down it doesn't matter how careful she is, someone will find fault with her appearance, will find something to judge her on and she's still learning not to care.
When she finally arrives at London Stadium, relief shoots through her to find Keeley waiting at the entrance.
She can see immediately that her friend is nervous about Jack being there. She reassures Keeley that she is mysterious, powerful and dynamic but it doesn't have the effect Rebecca hopes it will.
"Oh shit… I'm nervous." Keeley stares at Rebecca for a moment. "I think I need to go and reapply my lipliner."
She knows exactly what that means and reaches out and pat Keeley comfortingly on the arm as she spies Emily and Clyde coming through the doors.
"We'll see you upstairs in the suite."
The other two greet her with hugs and kisses to the cheek and they turn to head to the escalators just as she hears Rupert calling her name.
She just catches Emily rolling her eyes and Clyde's sneer as she plasters a wide smile on her face and turns to greet her ex-husband and his current wife.
"Rupert, you remember Lauren and this is her…" Rebecca fakes a frown and turns to the pair "You never told me how you two know each other…?"
Clyde takes the lead, their story long established "Lyle Rogers… We were both in Antwerp for Jazz Middelheim many many years ago and our respective girlfriends decided they liked each other better than they did us…" he leered at Emily, knowing he would pay for it later "We made a go of it but discovered while the shagging was marvellous we are much more compatible as friends and occasional business partners."
Rebecca can't stop the giggle at the outraged look on Emily's face.
"Lauren introduced me to Rebecca last year and here we are"
"The sex was nowhere near as good as he thinks it was." Emily whispers as she holds a hand out to Bex "You must be Bex, nice to meet you."
On the spur of the moment, Emily decides to throw a grenade and see what happens.
"By the way Rupert, I like to think of myself as a bit of an amateur Sommelier. Rebecca was telling me about this amazing Chardonnay you bought for her while at a match in Gdańsk… you wouldn't happen to remember the label? I'll be heading to Poland in the new year and want to see if I can find a bottle. See if it's as good as she remembers."
"Oh I do hope it is" Rebecca catches on quickly and keeps her smile wide and guileless "If so, do pick me up a bottle or two. I'm sure Sass and Keeley would enjoy it just as much as I did."
None of the three miss the flash of panicked rage in Rupert's gaze, nor the slight confusion and wince of pain that crosses Bex's face. Rebecca knows immediately the younger woman is paying for her words and wishes it doesn't have to be this way.
"Sorry, no idea." Rupert grinds out "I'll let you know if I do remember."
"Too bad" Rebecca shrugs "Anyway, best of luck today!"
She turns on her heel and walks away, Clyde and Emily close behind.
The match is an absolute disaster.
There is no other word for it. Nathan's strategic acumen has them at such a disadvantage that not even Zava's tactical brilliance on the pitch can't make up for it.
Rebecca tries to go down to give Ted some encouragement at half time but she realises it's putting a plaster on a gushing wound.
She also may have taken her enthusiasm a little bit too far.
"I just wanted to tell you that I believe in you, Ted." she tries to inject some kind of positivity into her tone.
"Uh-huh?" Ted isn't sure how to respond. This is a side of Rebecca he's never seen before.
"And I know that I've been putting an awful lot of pressure on you to win today, but I just... just want you to forget all about that. Just... be yourself and have fun." She's almost manic in her attempt to provide Ted with support and encouragement.
"Okay… Okay. Well, thank you."
"I believe in you, Ted."
"And it's intense. I better go." Ted tries to turn and head to the locker room but she grabs his jacket tightly to hold him in place, Rebecca needs him to know that she is serious and her belief in him and her team is true.
"Off you pop…" her smile growing more manic as she let go and tapped her hands against his shoulders. "And remember, have fun!" Ted looks over his shoulder at her, still trying to comprehend the Rebecca he just encountered. Blowing out a deep breath he opens the door to the locker room and heads inside. If he had turned back again, he would have seen Rebecca's little jumps of excitement as she cheers him on
"Whoo-hoo! Yes! This is so exciting! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"
He also would have seen the giggling West Ham staff who seemed to be enjoying Rebecca's theatrics.
Instead he enters a room of players that are screaming in rage at the television screen that is showing Nate tear down the 'Believe' sign in their locker room before he quits.
This would not be good.
Up in the stands Rebecca makes it back to her seat and when asked where she had gone she plasters a bright smile on her face.
"Just needed to check in on Ted. Make sure he knows he has my full support…" There was no way she would reveal anything else here and now. Despite having Keeley and Leslie on one side and Emily and Clyde on the other, you never know who will hear what in the football stands.
The team that walks back out onto the pitch isn't the team she knows and loves. They aren't the boys that are so gentle and loving with her daughter, that laugh and joke with her and each other.
Bumbercatch's dirty tackle is just the beginning and by the end of the match all she can do is watch Rupert's glee out of the corner of her eye and swear.
"Shit"
END CHAPTER 19
123a456e: I decided early on Doyle would only be a peripheral part of this story. He was a good plot device for Emily and Rebecca to meet but nothing more.