TL;DR This is a fanfiction parody of the original Naruto story, going chapter by chapter with the manga. It will also not use any Fanon or Japanese cringe jutsu, insults, curse words, or honorifics. (with one exception)
Hello, and welcome to 'The Way I See It,' a retelling of the entire Naruto series (the Anime and the Manga) from my perspective, except I try to make the series even more ridiculous than it already is. Each chapter of this fanfic will correlate to its relevant chapter in the manga. Any extra content I write for this will be uploaded to separate fics with titles like "The Way I See It - Side Stories." Those fics will be where I post one-shots and other ideas that couldn't make it into the story for whatever reason.
Chapter 1 (the one you're currently reading) will be longer than most other chapters because Chapter 1 of the Naruto manga is 50 pages long, with every subsequent chapter falling between 20-30 pages.
As I begin with the story, I have a few things I would like to make clear.
Firstly, this story will use English translations instead of Japanese romanization (Romaji) in every place possible, with only one exception. This is because I do not speak Japanese, and why on earth would I use Romaji when I can just use the English translation?
This means there will be no "Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu" or "Oiroke no Jutsu," I will be using "Fire Style: Fireball Jutsu" or "Sexy Jutsu." I'll use the Manga translations first and switch to the official Dub's translation when I feel it sounds better in my writing.
This also applies to honorifics since just about every honorific has an equivalent in English that I can use. Kakashi-Sensei becomes Master Kakashi, Orochimaru-Sama becomes Lord Orochimaru, and so on.
Second, because this is basically just a retelling of the original story, there will be no "fanon," which means none of the cliche tropes often seen in Naruto Fanfictions will be present here. No bashing (except as an attempt at humour), no Uchiha worship, and no "Naruto was chased by mobs and beaten to death every night, but he's remarkably well adjusted, all things considered," type stuff.
Third and last, my stories are a hobby and will have no set upload schedule. I will work on this whenever I have the spare time and the motivation because I have other responsibilities in my life. Unless this becomes absurdly popular, it will not be a significant focus.
With all that being said, thank you for taking the time to read this, and please leave a review to tell me what you think. The more people review and read this, the more motivation I will have to continue making it.
This chapter has been sponsored by Ichiraku Ramen's Famous Miso Ramen with Extra Pork Belly, get it now at participating locations.
Once upon a time, there lived a fox spirit with nine tails, whose name the author will not use until chapter 567. He was so powerful and epic that whenever he shook any of his tails, of which he had nine, landslides and tsunamis would result, even if he wasn't near a mountain or an ocean. The suffering people gathered the Great Shinobi Clans to fight this menace, who was not named Dennis.
Finally, risking his life, one Ninja was able to imprison its soul, which it did have despite being ginger, inside the body of a newborn boy named Naruto Uzumaki for reasons that everybody guessed in the first episode of the anime and that the author will not explicitly say until chapter 439. Having defeated the demon that had nine tails, the shinobi died like a little bitch.
The Village Hidden in the Leaves is a peaceful place. It is peaceful because of the many powerful ninjas that call it home. After all, nobody wants to mess with the most powerful Hidden Village in the world. At least, not until chapter 116, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Also, chapters 413 and 467. Okay, back to the plot.
It was a beautiful day in the Leaf Village. The people were going about their business, shopping for groceries, relaxing in the hot springs, not being murdered by a giant fox with nine tails angrily attacking the village that had kept it in captivity for decades in a furious rampage that claimed the lives of countless people. Not a care in the world. The Ninja that patrolled the streets yawned out of boredom because nothing had ever happened in the leaf village except for the three world wars in the last 50 years.
Peaceful. Quiet. Serene. Tranquil. Synonyms.
Naruto liked days like these. It gave him focus, something he was often in short supply of. The Hokage had given him some medication with a long name on it (Amphetasomething? Something afetamine?), but it made him feel weird, so he just didn't take it. Maybe if he took the medication, he wouldn't be as much of a hyperactive dipshit, but I guess we will never know...
Naruto took a metaphorical step back to view his handiwork. If you asked Naruto, it was coming along very well, although most people didn't ask him anything. Naruto's speech often devolved into nonsensical ramblings that made sense only to himself. This happened because Naruto frequently lost track of what he was saying mid-sentence, and instead of focusing on forming coherent thoughts, Naruto's brain would have to spend the energy trying to remember what he had just been talking about. However, Naruto also had a penchant for being distracted, and often, his ramblings ended with a declaration of the quality of Ichiraku Ramen's Famous Miso Ramen© with Extra Pork Belly get it now at participating locations, even when the conversation had nothing to do with food.
One time, Naruto had told the Third Hokage, who he affectionately referred to as "Gramps" or "Old Man Hokage" (a quirk that vexed every single other person in the village), that he was hungry, that he wasn't a massive fan of the Earth elemental branch of ninjutsu and that he really liked how cool those windmill shuriken things. This had been in response to the Hokage asking Naruto if he was alright after he had taken a nasty tumble during a walk they had taken together and scraped up his knee. Now that Naruto had given it some thought (also something he didn't often do), that had been shortly before the Hokage had given him the weird pills.
Naruto's line of thinking was quickly disrupted by a commotion below him.
'I wonder what that's all about.' Naruto thought to himself. 'Maybe from my viewpoint, I can get a better look.'
Naruto adjusted his goggles and looked at the crowd of ninjas growing on the Academy building below him. They were yelling about something, and from the looks of it, they were pretty angry.
"Enough with the stupid pranks!" one Ninja yelled.
"You're dead when we catch you, you immature brat!" another shouted.
"I'm a third character that is yelling!" yelled a third person.
"Man, what are they so upset about?" Naruto asked himself. "Why are they looking at... Oh! Right! That thing I was doing!"
Naruto turned back to the Hokage Rock and admired his work. He had drawn a bunch of spirals, poop piles, and nosebleeds all over each of the Hokage's faces. Very mature of you, Naruto.
Naruto turned back to the group of ninjas and started berating them, calling them losers and wannabes. He liked riling them up, getting a reaction out of them. Anything besides the usual "Let's just ignore him forever until he dies" look that he usually received from people.
Down on the Academy roof, among the other ninjas trying to get a better look at what Naruto had done and taking turns yelling at him instead of actually doing something about it, were Iruka, Naruto's teacher at the Academy, and the Third Hokage himself.
"Gomen'nasai, Hoakage-Sama" Iruka said. "I'll deal with this baka as ASAP as possible."
"Hmmm..." the Hokage hummed, puffing on his pipe for a while, considering everything. "OK"
Upon the Hokage's confirmation, Iruka took a deep breath, his head inflating to a size that couldn't possibly be natural and yelled. He yelled so loud that Naruto almost lost his footing and smashed his adorable, hyperactive face on the stone surface of the Hokage Monument.
"What do you think you're doing, BAKA!" Iruka shouted at Naruto. "Get down from there and get back to class!"
"Crap, it's Master Iruka! I'm so screwed!" Naruto exclaimed, still recovering from the sheer volume that Iruka had shouted at. He tried to hastily climb his rope back to the top of the Hokage Rock, back to safety, but Iruka was already there by the time he had reached the top.
"Going somewhere, Naruto-kun?" Iruka asked, feigning sweetness. It would have been more believable if he didn't look like he was having an aneurysm.
"Eheheh, not at all, master Iruka!" Naruto lied nervously. "I was just... uh... trying to find out did this! Yeah, that! I heard everyone yelling, and I wanted to help-"
That was the last thing Naruto could say before Iruka bludgeoned him.
The next thing Naruto knew, he was sitting in class, tied with the very same rope he had used to scale the Hokage Rock, getting chewed out some more by Iruka.
"Naruto-kun, are you aware that the final exam is tomorrow?" Iruka asked.
"Sir, yes, sir!" Naruto responded.
"Tomorrow, all of your nakama will pass the final exam and graduate from the shinobi academy, but you've failed twice now," Iruka yelled. "Yet you choose NOW of all times for your shenanigans? You baka!"
"Sir, yes, sir!" Naruto replied
"Blah blahblah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah!" Iruka said, his words fading into nothing as Naruto distractedly tried to untie himself
'Man, this knot is tough, as expected of a ninja like Master Iruka!' Naruto thought to himself. 'I wonder what kind of knot this is; maybe I can get him to teach me!'
"Naruto!"
"Crap! Uh... Yes, Master Iruka?" Naruto replied hastily
"Were you even listening to a word I was saying?" Iruka asked.
"Sir, yes, sir!"
"Well, then, what did I just say?" Iruka asked, smugly smirking with a smug smirk on his smug smirking face.
"Uhhhhh... Straighten up and fly right?"
"Oh, that was a lucky guess!" Iruka exclaimed, getting fed up with this situation and wanting to finally move on.
"Well, today we're going to review the Henge no Jutsu! You all have to transform into me!" Iruka called out to the class, to a resounding groan. "And you all have Naruto-kun to thank for it!"
"Great job, jerk!" one kid called out. He looked around at his classmates for approval before seeing that all of them were glaring at him, some holding weapons that they shouldn't legally be allowed to carry. After a quick moment to confirm that he wasn't a major -or even minor- character, all of his classmates jumped him, stabbing him and throwing his corpse out of the academy window into a bin labelled "Background Characters."
Naruto looked slightly devious, almost vibrating in excitement as the students lined up before Iruka and prepared to perform the Transformation Jutsu. He was going to blow them all away!
"Sakura Haruno!" Iruka called out
Sakura stood blankly in front of Iruka, not responding or moving.
"Uh... Sakura?" Naruto said hesitantly, losing his devious grin. He knew she would get violent when she was mad at him, which seemed to be all the time. "Uh... Are you okay?"
He gave her a tentative poke in the shoulder before recoiling back and protecting his head. However, Sakura did not respond to the physical stimulus and instead just stared blankly, not even blinking.
"Um... Are you-" Iruka was cut off by Sakura transforming to look like him, which was startling because she had not said a word or made a single hand sign.
"Oh... Okay..." Iruka said, worried about his brightest female student. "Moving on... Sasuke Uchiha!"
Sasuke walked before Iruka and transformed, not calling out the technique's name. Sasuke had always thought it strange that ninjas, supposedly masters of assassination and stealth, would verbally call out the names of their techniques. Sasuke had decided early on that he would never do such a stupid thing.
"Who said that!?" Sasuke yelled, looking frantically around the room as his Transformation Jutsu dispelled, revealing a panicked face. "Why are you describing what's going on? Show yourself!"
Iruka looked worried. A second of his students was now acting oddly, but he was sure it was just nerves about the coming final.
"I'm not nervous!" Sasuke shouted again to nobody in particular. "I'm shouting at you! Stop talking like that! Can't anyone else hear this!?"
Iruka paid no further attention to the young Uchiha boy, instead asking Sasuke to take his seat. Slowly, he walked over to where he had been sitting and sat, putting his hands over his mouth in concentration. All of the students that had previously been looking at him instead went back to what they were doing, chatting giggling amongst themselves, preparing for the Transformation Jutsu and staring at Naruto and touching their fingers together and blushing and imagining their life together and their house and two kids named something cool like Himawari and Boruto, and Boruto would take after his dad but Himawari would take after her mom and Naruto would be the Hokage and-
"Naruto Uzumaki!" Iruka called out, jolting Hinata from her fantasy as Naruto walked up.
"Hehehe," Naruto chuckled mischievously, performing his hand signs. "Check this out! Change!"
Naruto exploded into smoke, but that was normal for this technique. It would be very concerning if they weren't doing jutsu practice and Naruto exploded into smoke. Can you imagine? You're tutoring a kid, and he says, "Hey, check this out," and then explodes? What would you even do? I'd just quit life and try again.
When the smoke cleared, rather than a second, Iruka, the students in the class, were treated to the naked form of a very beautiful blonde woman. It was pretty surprising, and Iruka couldn't help the jets of blood that fired out of his nose upon seeing it. One might assume that his nosebleed was a result of his perverse nature. However, you would be wrong. Iruka was considering the loss of his job and his potential mauling once the students went home and told their parents about the naked woman in the class.
"HOW BIG OF A BAKA CAN YOU BE!?" Iruka shouted at Naruto. "GO SIT IN THE CORNER AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID!"
Naruto sulked as he walked to the designated "Naruto's fuckup" corner, which was labelled with a "dunce" cap and everything. However, as soon as Naruto sat in the seat, he forgot what was happening. He just saw a cool bug on the floor and started playing with it. Naruto decided to call it Shino; he didn't know anyone with that name!
Naruto grumbled and cursed under his breath as he cleaned the Hokage Rock. If it weren't for Iruka, he wouldn't be doing this. He'd be over at Ichiraku Ramen, enjoying a big bowl of Ichiraku Ramen's Famous Miso Ramen with Extra Pork Belly get it now at participating locations.
"You're not leaving until every drop of paint is cleaned up, ya dig?" Iruka called down to the young Uzumaki boy whose first name was Naruto.
"It's not like there's any- wait, did you just say 'Ya dig'?" Naruto asked. "What the hell was that, Master Iruka?"
Iruka looked sheepish and awkwardly scratched the back of his head. "I was... um... I was trying to sound cool. Did it work?" he asked Naruto, who was looking at him incredulously.
"No. Not even remotely. That was by far the least cool thing I have ever heard," Naruto said to Iruka. "Please don't ever try that again."
Iruka was quick to offer a big bowl of Ichiraku Ramen's Famous Miso Ramen with Extra Pork Belly, get it now at participating locations to change the subject and hopefully end this awkward interaction. Naruto was excited; he loved Ichiraku Ramen's Famous Miso Ramen with Extra Pork Belly, get it now at participating locations and cleaned the Hokage Rock as fast as he could.
Later, at Ichiraku Ramen, enjoying a bowl of Ichiraku Ramen's Famous Miso Ramen with Extra Pork Belly, get it now at participating locations, Iruka and Naruto were enjoying a nice hot bowl of Ichiraku Ramen's Famous Miso Ramen with Extra Pork Belly, get it now at participating locations and chatting.
"I just don't get it, Naruto-Kun. Why, of all places, did you choose the Hokage Rock like a baka? Don't you know who Hokage-sama is?" Iruka asked, setting Naruto up for an exposition lore drop.
"Of course I know who the Fourth Hokage is!" Naruto said. "He's the best! He beat the Nine-Tailed Fox and doesn't afraid of anything!"
"So... Why did you do it, Naruto-Kun?" Iruka asked again, snapping his fingers in front of Naruto to get his attention from the salt shaker he was playing with.
"I did it because I will surpass every Hokage who came before me!" Naruto proclaimed for not the last time. "Then the villagers will HAVE to respect me! Nobody would ever disrespect an authority figure; that would be unheard of!"
Iruka looked at Naruto and smiled at his determination. It was inspiring to see someone so set on a dream that way. It almost made Iruka forget about the massive trouble Naruto had just been in hours earlier.
Almost
"Um... Master Iruka... Could I have a favour?" Naruto asked shyly.
"What's up, Naruto-kun? Want another bowl of Ichiraku Ramen's Famous Miso Ramen with Extra Pork Belly, get it now at participating locations?"
"Well, yes, but... Um... your headband, that leaf you're wearing... Pretty please?!"
Iruka adjusted his forehead protector. "This? No can do; it's a symbol of adulthood; you won't get one until you graduate."
"Aww, what a rip-off!" Naruto shouted at Iruka, both of them giggling into the night.
The next morning, it was time for the final exam.
"Each of you must create a Bunshin using the Bunshin no Jutsu," Iruka said. "Wait here until your name is called. If you fail and are not a main character, you will walk through that door, after which you will be sorted out."
Iruka gestured over to a door that had a sign on it that read "BACKGROUND CHARACTER DISPOSAL CHUTE" on it, which itself was crossed out hastily and re-written to say "EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FOR FAILED STUDENTS."
Iruka sat at a desk in front of the class with Mizuki and several Leaf Village forehead protectors and began calling names from his clipboard.
Naruto sat, vibrating in his seat as he prepared himself. 'Clones!' He thought to himself, worried. 'Why did it have to be clones! I suck at clones! If only there was a higher-level version of this technique that didn't require as precise control over my chakra, then I'd be proficient!'
Eventually, Naruto's name was called. He approached the front of the class with a healthy, supportive thought of 'Here goes nothing!' He performed the Clone Jutsu.
The clone that spawned from his technique was... Not great. "horrible" would be too generous of a word. It looked like his clone spawned with terminal cancer. It looked like the pug of clones. It had no legs, 7 arms, purple hair, and eyes that were inside out.
"YOU FAIL" Iruka shouted.
"Hey, Master Iruka," Mizuki began speaking, now wearing a straw hat that hadn't been with him earlier. "Maybe we should cut him a break; after all, he did manage to create a clone, even if it's... a little flawed. He's just so determined, like my favourite character Luffy!"
"A little flawed?" Iruka looked at Mizuki as if he had grown a second head, which would have been preferable to his disgusting straw hat, and what was this Luffy shit he was talking about? "Is that ridiculous hat cutting off the blood to your head, Mizuki? It has 7 arms, and its eyes are inside out! How could this possibly merit a passing grade?"
While Iruka and Mizuki argued about the clone and what could be considered "a little flawed," and whether or not Mizuki's hat was really that bad, Naruto was upset. Or rather, he would have been, but he was too busy using the argument as a distraction to try and sneak up to the desk and grab a forehead protector before being seen and, shortly after, bludgeoned by Iruka.
Naruto sat on the swing outside the Academy, where he often found himself after classes, watching the new graduates with their loving parents who loved them.
"I love you so much, son; tonight we're going to have a ramen and cake feast to celebrate your graduation!" one parent said to their son.
"Aww, I'm so proud of you, sweetie! You graduated in your first year and didn't have to be held back twice because you suck at clones!" Said one mother to her daughter.
"Hey, does anyone know where I can find this kid? About 4'9", blonde, has whisker marks? No? Alright, I tried, now off to the hot springs for... research!" Said one strange, large man with long white hair. What a weirdo! Indeed, we will never see him again.
Definitely.
As Naruto was walking home, he was approached by Mizuki, who was still wearing his straw hat but now wore a red vest instead of his standard Chunin one.
"Listen, Master Iruka is a really serious guy. He doesn't even watch One Piece!" Mizuki had told Naruto after they had taken a seat nearby. "His parents died when he was really young, and he had to do everything all by himself. He's quite similar to you and thinks he's helping you grow strong. Try to give the guy a break."
Naruto was depressed. He wanted to graduate this time, and failing for the third time in a row had crushed his spirit. He was so sad that he wasn't even fidgeting as much in his seat as usual.
"Alright then, I guess there's no choice," Mizuki said cryptically. "Guess I'll have to tell you about... that secret."
This piqued Naruto's interest. "What secret?" he asked.
Naruto crept sneakily through the Hokage's residence. He was so stealthy! He was going to get away with it!
"Hmmm..."
Naruto froze at the sound. There was only an old man in the village who started every sentence with "Hmmm," and he happened to live in the Hokage residence. This was because he was the Hokage.
Naruto turned slowly, facing the old man who had hummed at him. "Oh...Hi! O-old man Hokage!" Naruto said, nervous. "W-what are you d-doing up so late?"
Hiruzen Sarutobi was not a foolish man. One does not come into such titles as "God of Ninjas" or "The Professor" without some serious mettle to back it up. He looked at Naruto with eyes that carried nearly 50 years of experience and wisdom.
"... Thirsty"
Naruto looked at the most powerful Ninja he knew and fetched him a glass of water. After filling the glass, he brought it back to the Third Hokage and awkwardly stood there as he drank it.
"Hmmm..." the Hokage observed Naruto closely, then merely said, "Thanks," and turned around, walking back to his bedroom. It was awfully late, and he had plenty of work to do.
Naruto collapsed onto the floor before steeling himself and continuing. He had come this far, so he may as well continue! After a bit of searching, Naruto found his MacGuffin! He quickly ran from the Hokage's residence and fled into the forest with his prize.
From a distance, a certain white-haired chunin wearing a red vest, a straw hat, and knee-length jorts watched ominously. How spooky! I hope nothing happens to poor Naruto!
Naruto sat in a small clearing in the forest, opening the scroll and beginning to read from it.
"Okay, let's see..." Naruto thought out loud. "The first technique in the scroll is a jutsu called the "Instant Victory Forever" Jutsu. Meh! That sounds lame. Okay, what's next... Shadow Clone Jutsu... Now that sounds cool!"
Iruka lay in bed, his head full of thoughts of the day's events. He ruminated on Mizuki's stupid fucking hat, but also Naruto failing for the third time in a row. He thought back to his childhood and how his parents got mangled to death by a giant fox with nine tails before some dipshit finally decided to actually fight the damn thing properly.
Iruka and Naruto were very alike in that way. Naruto also lost his parents due to nine-tailed fox manglings, and just like Iruka, he grew up without parents to love him and care for him. They even had cool facial features! Iruka's scar was sexier if you asked him, but nobody could deny the general cuteness of Naruto's whisker marks.
Iruka's thoughts were disrupted by a loud knocking on his door. "Iruka! Wake up, Iruka!" he heard from outside, wondering what could be so important at such a late hour.
Iruka opened the door for Mizuki, who now wore a yellow sash around his waist and had removed his shirt underneath his vest. "What's up"? He asked.
"It's Naruto!" Mizuki exclaimed, his hat shifting as his head moved around from his exclamations. "Naruto has somehow found and stolen the Super Duper Ultra-Forbidden Scroll of Super Secret Epic Ninja Jutsu!"
Iruka blinked. That was a very stupid name, and if it's so secret, why was a mostly untrained 12-year-old able to get access to it and steal it? Really, whoever allowed this to happen should be killed with hammers.
"What!?" Iruka cried. "Hang on, let me get my gear!" Iruka quickly got dressed and followed Mizuki to search for Naruto.
Naruto sat in the small clearing he had been training in for over six hours. He was breathing heavily, his head hanging in exhaustion from the work he had been putting into learning the technique he had learned from the Super Duper Ultra-Forbidden Scroll of Super Secret Epic Ninja Jutsu. A shadow fell on him as he sat.
Looking up at the source of the shadow, Naruto saw Iruka looking at him, his face twitching with barely controlled anger. "About time, nosebleed!" Naruto yelled. "I found you!"
"No, you baka!" Iruka yelled, his head visibly swelling and growing a fascinating shade of red. "I found you!"
Naruto just awkwardly scratched the back of his head, chuckling at his little joke.
Iruka had begun to shed tears; he was concerned about Naruto and wasn't sure how things would go after this. He hung his head, trying to hide the water slowly building in his eyes.
"Do you have any idea what you've just done!?" Iruka cried, "Stealing the Super Duper Ultra-Forbidden Scroll of Super Secret Epic Ninja Jutsu is a capital offence. You'll be beaten to death with hammers for this, Naruto! You can't just laugh your way out of this; they're going to try you in front of a jury of your peers, and they'll sentence you to death! By hammers! Kami, what were you thinking!? Baka! Kuso, I can't help you out of this one, Naruto-kun!"
Iruka looked up at Naruto and immediately forgot about his sadness at Naruto's impending hammer-based death. Naruto hadn't been paying attention; he had been fidgeting with his jacket's zipper and muttering about low-quality zippers. Fuck it, the kid could die for all he cared.
"What were you even doing here? "Iruka asked the young boy, curious about his goals. "You look exhausted. And filthy, you stink really fucking bad, Naruto." Iruka looked at the young Uzumaki lad, covered in filth and dirt, twigs stuck in his hair.
"I'll show you!" Naruto shouted, excited about his new technique. "If I show you this technique I mastered, you'll have to let me graduate! Master Mizuki told me all about it! He said if I can learn a technique from the Super Duper Ultra-Forbidden Scroll of Super Secret Epic Ninja Jutsu, I'll be able to graduate, and I'll get to become a ninja!"
Iruka was confused. Mizuki told him to do this? That couldn't be right; Mizuki had been the one to come to Iruka in the dead of night and told him about Naruto. Why would he do that if he was the one who put Naruto up to this?
Iruka's thoughts were interrupted by a barrage of kunai knives flying towards the young boy. There wasn't enough time to warn him, so he opted to shove Naruto out of the way, taking the kunai hits directly to his body.
"Ow! My body!" Iruka cried, having taken multiple kunai to his body. "I hurt in three places!"
Mizuki, now wearing a regular pair of flip-flops with his outfit instead of the standard issue ninja footwear, stepped out of the shadows. "Naruto!" He yelled to the boy who the author just specified was Naruto. "Give me the Super Duper Ultra-Forbidden Scroll of Super Secret Epic Ninja Jutsu!"
"What? Screw that!" Naruto called back to him, angry. "Why on earth would I do that! You just attacked my favourite teacher!"
"Well, I guess you'll never know the truth about what happened 12 years ago!" Mizuki said, hoping to spark Naruto's curiosity.
"Shut up, baka!" Iruka shouted at the traitorous scumbag piece of shit. "It's forbidden!"
Undeterred, Mizuki kept talking. "You know what really happened when the fox was sealed away 12 years ago? After the village's destruction at the hands of the nine-tailed fox demon fox, the Hokage made a certain decree..."
"What? What decree?" Naruto asked, confused and slightly annoyed that Mizuki was still wearing that garbage hat.
"Stop it, Mizuki!" Iruka cried, closing his eyes. He couldn't bear watching this... "Don't do this!"
"He decreed that no one would ever tell you that YOU are the nine-tailed fox! The same demon that destroyed the village, killed Iruka's parents, and made it harder to find new One Piece manga for a while!" Mizuki threw his head back in maniacal evil laughter, happy that he was shattering the young Uzumaki's world
"Nooooooooooooo!" Iruka had been dreading this moment since Mizuki started talking, but he was too injured to physically stop him. He could only hope that Naruto was taking it well.
"heeheehee, what a cutie... C'mere, little mousey! Psspsspsspss! C'mere, I won't hurt you!"
Iruka's grief at the shattering of Naruto's innocence was immediately replaced with an overwhelming sense of relief. Naruto hadn't been paying attention to Mizuki; he was playing with a tiny forest mouse he found.
'Man, sometimes I'm happy that Naruto is so fucking stupid,' Iruka thought to himself. 'This would have been a very difficult moment otherwise...'
"Wait a fucking minute!"
Naruto had stopped in his tracks, letting the mouse he had been chasing flee into the bushes. Iruka was startled at the face Naruto was making; it looked like complete, unbridled fury. He thought he saw a tint of red in Naruto's eyes, but that might have just been the blood slowly covering his vision from the many stab wounds Iruka currently had.
"Did you just say One Piece? Are you... a One Piece fan?" Naruto asked, clenching his fists and shaking.
Mizuki was a bit confused but decided to humour the young boy he was about to kill. What a nice guy, so respectful.
"Yeah, I love One Piece! It's my favourite-" Mizuki couldn't finish his sentence before a fist flew into his face, knocking him off his position on the tree. He hit the ground with a loud THUD, kicking up dirt and grass and scaring small woodland creatures out of their hiding places.
'W-What the hell just happened?' Mizuki thought, holding his Jaw. 'Did Iruka hit me? No, he couldn't have; he's still pinned with those knives I threw at him earlier. Could it have been the demon brat? No way, he's a pathetic, weak, stupid little devil, and I'm a chunin! He could never-'
Mizuki was shaken from his thoughts by a tiny fist grabbing his collar and lifting him off the ground.
"All this time... You've been a ONE PIECE fan!?" Naruto growled before punching Mizuki again, launching him towards where Iruka was.
Mizuki couldn't believe what was happening. He was a chunin! Sure, he got promoted mostly because he had been a genin for so long, and he hadn't ever actually done much of anything during his career besides dick around and watch anime, but he was a grown man, and this was a 12-year-old! What was happening!
"Alright, you bastard, time to fucking die!" Naruto growled, forming a cross-shaped hand sign before a large cloud of smoke exploded, covering the area and obscuring him from view.
After a few moments, the smoke cleared, revealing countless copies of the young boy scowling and cracking their knuckles, some shouting "Death to One Piece!" A few were burning effigies of Mizuki at the stake, chanting and dancing in circles around the pyre. Many could be seen preparing large rocks and logs. It wasn't looking good.
"Damn you, Demon brat! I'll kill you!" Mizuki cried, pissing and shitting his jorts out of rage.
"Bring it, jerk!" Many of the Naruto copies shouted. "Anything you throw at me, I'll return with a thousand hammers!"
And he did. Every single clone used a hammer (or other large, blunt object) to beat Mizuki to death. It was very gruesome. The only thing left after Naruto and his clones had finished was a red-brown smear on the ground where Mizuki had tried to use the "Violently-shit-my-pants-in-defence" Jutsu. It failed, of course, because why the fuck would that ever have worked?
"Heh, I guess I got a little carried away," Naruto said, scratching his head awkwardly.
Iruka didn't respond. He was in shock. He had just witnessed 1,523 copies of the same 12-year-old boy bludgeon a man to death using nothing but rocks and sticks as makeshift hammers. He had just seen a chunin - an elite ninja- of the most powerful hidden village in the world violently soil himself in a desperate attempt at survival. Iruka would be scarred for life and would have frequent nightmares about these events, but for now, he had to put on a brave face for his student.
"Hey, Naruto-kun, come here," Iruka called out to Naruto. "I've got a present for you."
Naruto walked around the blood-shit smear on the ground that used to be Mizuki and sat in front of his teacher.
"Close your eyes..."
...
...
...
"Okay, open 'em up."
Naruto opened his eyes to see his teacher without his forehead protector. Realizing what had happened, Naruto began to tear up.
"Congratulations, Naruto. You graduate." Iruka said, smiling warmly to hide the trauma brewing in him. "Let's get some Ichiraku Ramen's Famous Miso Ramen with Extra Pork Belly, get it now at participating locations to celebrate!"
Naruto tackled Iruka, hugging him tightly, forgetting that just moments prior, Iruka had been stabbed in multiple places and desperately needed medical (and now also psychological) intervention.
END
Thanks again for reading this nonsense. Please leave a comment telling me what you think!