Hello again! I hope you enjoy this chapter of The Way I See It!
Naruto's morning was uneventful. He made some toast, poured himself a glass of milk, and groggily ate as he struggled to wake up and get his day started. Usually, he would sleep in, but today was different. Today was the day he officially became a Genin! He couldn't miss this, no matter what! As Naruto was dressing himself and adjusting his goggles, he remembered the forehead protector on his dresser. He would need to wear it today to show that he was officially a ninja now! He quickly replaced his goggles with the forehead protector, gave it a bit of a spit-shine, and left his apartment to go to the Ninja Academy, where the ceremony was being held.
Naruto giggled to himself, so excited he could barely sit still. He was going to become a ninja!
"Naruto? What are you doing here!" Asked a nameless background character who is replaced with Shikamaru in the anime. "Class today is for students who didn't fail like a little bitch idiot loser!"
"Man, are you blind?" Naruto said to the nameless background character, pointing his thumb at his forehead protector. "Can't you see this regulation forehead protector? It means I'm a ninja now!"
Naruto spent a good few minutes telling the nameless background character how cool he was and how he had been given an exception because he was so powerful. He was so involved in his conversation that he almost didn't notice a young pink-haired girl suddenly appear behind the nameless boy.
'Sa-Sakura! No way, does she want to sit next to me?' Naruto thought to himself, growing a light shade of pink in his cheeks as the girl he liked stood motionlessly in front of him. She was not speaking or indicating she was even alive besides the occasional blinking of her jade-coloured eyes; her arms extended outwards as though she were ninja-Jesus on the ninja cross.
Sakura slid forward, not moving her legs to walk as she moved towards the seat beside Naruto. She sunk into the ground until her head was approximately the same height as Naruto's and sat motionlessly, unblinking.
'Man, Sakura is such a babe!' Naruto thought to himself. 'But she's sitting next to... Him...'
The "Him" Naruto had been referring to was the black-haired boy named Sasuke Uchiha. He had been sitting patiently, waiting for class to begin, when he noticed Naruto's intense stare.
"Can I help you with something?" He asked, looking over at Naruto.
"What the FUCK is that supposed to mean!?" Naruto exclaimed, immediately provoked into an irrational rage by the mere sound of Sasuke's voice. "You calling me a bitch? Huh?! Are you saying I'm a pussy!? Motherfucker I'll kill you!" Naruto tried to pounce on Sasuke, only to feel three pairs of arms grab and restrain him.
Sasuke just turned his head back to its initial position facing the front of the class and ignored Naruto, who was physically restrained by several of Sasuke's fangirls. Unbeknownst to the rest, Sasuke was having a difficult moment of his own.
'Okay... I can still hear the weird voice describing everything that is happening around me,' He thought to himself, trying his best to keep his cool and avoid another trip to the school's counsellor. 'Keep calm, Sasuke. You're an Uchiha, and Uchiha don't lose their cool.'
'Man, Sakura looks like she's in heaven,' Naruto thought to himself, looking at the complete lack of emotion on the pink-haired girl's face. 'What's so great about Sasuke? I just don't get it. He's not even cool and epic like me!'
Naruto sat still for a moment before abruptly getting up and crouching on the table before Sasuke, staring into his deep, gorgeous, onyx-black eyes and looking at his spiky black hair and pouty, kissable lips. Damn, he was handsome. Shoot, maybe all these girls who were in love with Sasuke were on to something...
Sasuke, on the other hand, was mainly worried. He didn't like where this was going or how close Naruto's face was to his own. And was Naruto starting to blush? What were those thoughts Naruto just had? Why was he able to hear Naruto's thoughts?
'Please don't fall in love with me,' The young Uchiha boy prayed. 'I already have enough trouble with these irritating fan girls; I don't need Naruto added to their ever-increasing number.'
Sasuke and Naruto's separate musings were interrupted by a sudden shove from behind, as a nameless background character sitting behind Naruto stood up abruptly and accidentally knocked him over.
"Oh crap, sorry about tha...t..."
The nameless background character and everyone in the classroom were in shock at the sight before him. Naruto and Sasuke were kissing! What on earth? Why? How? Who? When? Is that allowed? Is this a romance fic now? Aren't they too young?
Naruto and Sasuke threw themselves away from each other, gagging violently at the unwanted exchange of saliva. Probably not a romance fic.
"Blegh! Poison! My mouth is ruined!" Naruto cried, secretly liking the kiss and feeling confused about why. Maybe a romance fic?
"Naruto, you piece of crap, you're fucking dead!" Sasuke yelled. He then turned his head towards the miscellaneous background character that had bumped into Naruto and caused this. "You!"
The nameless background character that had bumped Naruto was afraid. Sasuke was looking at him pretty nastyly. Unfortunately, he had bigger worries as Sakura proceeded to turn towards him, her eyes glowing a vibrant, malicious red as she moved quickly towards him, arms outstretched and reaching for his neck.
The nameless background character only had enough time to utter a "What" before his neck was trapped in the vice-like grip of Sakura's hands. He struggled in vain as Sakura used her overwhelming physical might to throw him out of the academy class window and into the "background character disposal" bin, crushing his windpipe, breaking his neck and ensuring that he would perish soon unless he received quick medical assistance.
Naruto looked at Sakura, who had now turned her gaze suddenly towards him. "This is gonna hurt," He said before being bludgeoned near to death by the green-eyed girl. By the time the beating was over, his face was swollen and bruised all over, and his hair was ruffled and messy.
"From this day onwards, you are no longer mere students. You are now full-fledged shinobi!" Iruka said to the class. "But among shinobi, genin are the lowest of the low, so your challenges are not over just yet."
"The next step is the assignment of you all to your three-person cells, led and mentored by a Jonin sensei, who will guide you as you become familiar with the assignments Konoha will give you."
'Why is Master Iruka talking that way?' Sasuke thought to himself, critical of the weird words the teacher was using. 'Ko-no-ha? Shi-no-bi? And what is a sen-sei? Are those English words? I don't get it. I just hope that my team doesn't hold me back...'
'So long as I'm partnered with Sakura, I'll be fine with anyone else! Except maybe Sasuke... Or do I want him to be on my team? I'm so confused...' Naruto felt confused but pushed those feelings aside, he had to find out which team he was on!
Sakura "sat" motionlessly, a fly landing on her open eyeball and walking around.
"Alright, I will now call out the teams," Iruka said. "Team Seven will be... Naruto Uzumaki!"
Hearing his name, Naruto looked up and started paying attention.
"Sakura Haruno!"
Naruto jumped for joy. He was on the same team as Sakura, his crush! Life everything was coming up Naruto! Meanwhile, Sakura did not indicate that she even heard Iruka - or anyone for that matter - speaking.
"And Sasuke Uchiha!"
Naruto immediately lost all of the happiness he had just been feeling at mentioning Sasuke's name, which was Sasuke Uchiha, in case you forgot already. Meanwhile, Sakura vibrated slightly in her spot halfway inside her chair.
"Hey, Master Iruka! What's the deal with saddling an epic ninja like me with a piece of shit loser baby bitch boy like him?!" Naruto asked Iruka politely.
Iruka gave Naruto a stern look. "Naruto-kun, of the twenty-seven students that passed the final exam, Sasuke-kun had the best grades. You had the worst, by an almost comical margin," Iruka said to the hyperactive child. "The idea is to balance each team's strengths. Make sense?"
Naruto, who had been trying to adjust his zipper unsuccessfully, looked up at Iruka. "Huh? What are we talking about?" he said, having completely lost track of what was happening around him.
'How on earth did that moron pass?' Sasuke thought to himself. 'There must have been foul play involved; there is no way a person as stupid as Naruto should be allowed to become a ninja.'
"Moving on. Team Eight will be comprised of... Hinata Hyuga!"
Hinata, who up to this point had been alternating looking at Naruto longingly and closing her eyes, imagining their future together with their kids, jumped at the mention of her name, which was Hinata Hyuga, in case you forgot already.
"Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-yes! M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-mas-mas-mas-mas-mas-mas-mas-master!" she stuttered ridiculously. She had struggled to speak without stuttering ever since the tragic stroke she had suffered when she was 5 years old, but her speech therapy sessions were progressing well. Hinata's doctor even said she should be able to communicate semi-normally within 3-5 years!
"Kiba Inuzuka!"
Kiba barked in confirmation, scratched himself behind his ear with his hind leg and peed on the seat a little.
"and Shino Aburame!"
The cerebral parasites that controlled Shino's body ordered him to adjust his glasses, which he did.
"Next, I will call out the members for Team Ten!" Iruka said to the class.
"Um... Master Iruka?" a nameless background character said. "You forgot to call Team Nine."
"Yeah, Master Iruka. Are you okay? You get enough sleep, HAHA," laughed another nameless background character.
"I guess they'll let anyone teach this class, lol," said a third nameless background character.
Iruka looked at the nameless background character with narrowed eyes. "Oh, you're right! Silly me, Iruka-Baka!" he said. "Actually, by sheer coincidence, Team Nine would be you three! Please enter that door..." Iruka then pointed to a door on the other side of the classroom. "...your Jonin Sensei, Kuma-Kun, is waiting for you!"
All three nameless background characters stood up, fist-bumping and chattering to each other as they walked to the door. They all were bragging about getting a head start on their training and how they'd be chunin before anyone else! They opened the door, and with a shout of "Later, suckers!" they entered the room where their Jonin mentor was waiting.
They were then immediately mauled to death by the ten-foot ninja grizzly bear that the academy staff had locked in there. Their cries for help echoed through the class, although soon, the only sound remaining was the tapping of Iruka's foot on the ground. He turned to the rest of the class with a neutral look.
"Anyone else have any questions?" He asked the class. No one answered him. "No? Good. Moving on, then. The next team will be Team Ten, which will be... Ino Yamanaka!"
Ino just sighed and said, "Like, What-ever," with a flick of her long, blond hair.
"Shikamaru Nara!"
Shikamaru snored softly, somehow able to sleep through the sounds of three of his classmates, children he had been friends with during his time at the academy, being brutally mauled by a bear.
"and Choji Akimichi!"
"Mmmph Mm Mmm Mmmm Mm Mmmm," Choji said, his mouth filled with potato chips. The rate at which the chubby young boy was eating them was remarkable. He was taking bags of chips out from seemingly nowhere and opening them almost as fast as he was putting the chips from the bag into his mouth.
"aaaaaand that's it for teams!" Iruka said, lowering his ninja clipboard. Your Jonin Sensei will arrive here this afternoon, so until then, you're all dismissed!"
Elsewhere, in the village, the Hokage was sitting at Naruto's kitchen table. He was not alone, however. With him was a man clad in Leaf Village standard-issue Jonin gear, with half his face covered with a mask and half of what remained covered by his forehead protector.
"This is Naruto's apartment, right?" The man said.
"Hmmm..." The Hokage hummed, thinking about Naruto's team assignment and the Jonin mentor he would be assigned. "...yes."
Kakashi looked around the tiny one-bedroom apartment. It was cozy and remarkably clean, considering who the tenant was. He couldn't be sure it was all clean, though; he hadn't entered the bedroom yet.
"Hmmm..." the old man hummed once more, puffing his on his pipe as if it was keeping him alive. "...Kakashi."
The man, now identified as Kakashi, was not paying attention to the Hokage. He was busy reading the blurb on the side of the milk carton he was holding. It was exciting stuff. It described the founding and history of the farm from which the milk came, even including the name of the cow from which it was sourced. He felt Daisy was a generic name for a cow, but it was a good name for a reason.
'This milk is... really expired.' The man thought to himself as he shook the milk container, it sloshing around grossly. 'Is that October of last year? He's gonna be really sick if he drank this...'
"Ahem." The Hokage cleared his throat, trying vainly to get Kakashi's attention.
"Huh? You say something?" He asked the old man, who gave him a deadpan look.
"Hmmm..." the Hokage hummed, rethinking his decision to assign Kakashi as the mentor to Team Seven. "...No."
Naruto ate his food angrily, still upset with the team he had been assigned. Sure, he had been put on the same team as Sakura, but he was also stuck on the same team as the Uchiha bastard.
"Man, this sucks!" he said to himself before noticing that Sasuke was eating a riceball in front of a window. "Hmm, maybe there is an upside," he mumbled, shenanigans brewing in his mind.
His plan was simple: he would grab Sasuke and tie him up while he was eating! Sasuke always let his guard down when he ate, so it was perfect!
Naruto snuck around the building and made his way to the window Sasuke was eating in front of. Unfortunately for Naruto, the moment he was about to put his plan into action, his stomach started gurgling.
'Oh, crap! I gotta go!' He cried internally, his stomach cramping up and threatening to make a mess of Naruto's beloved orange trousers. 'Shoot, where's the bathroom again?!'
Naruto panicked as he ran through the halls to find a bathroom. Luckily, he was able to make it to the toilet just in time, placing his butt on the seat just as he was about to make a mess of things.
Sasuke, now finished eating his lunch, walked back to the academy. On his way back, he noticed Sakura at a nearby bench, her face still devoid of any emotion and her arms still extended out from her sides. However, unlike the way she was in the classroom earlier, Sakura was somehow... inside of the bench.
"Sakura? Are you okay?" He asked hesitantly. He was always hesitant to speak with any of his fangirls, as they would always make that deafening and annoying squealing sound when he gave them any attention. In recent days, however, Sakura had been acting odd. And not the usual odd, either. She looked like a statue, stuck in place and rarely moving, and when she did move, it was unnatural. Nobody just... slides around the way she does. Sasuke was concerned that something was wrong, but nobody else seemed to notice anything.
Sasuke waved his hand in front of her eyes, then poked her in the shoulder. No response. He poked her in the forehead, something he knew Sakura was self-conscious about, and saw no reaction. Finally, Sasuke poked Sakura in the left eye, hoping she would at least close her eye to prevent him from touching it. Nope. His index finger made complete contact with her eye, with no response from the pink-haired girl.
This grossed Sasuke out for many reasons. Touching an eyeball was gross, and touching someone else's eyeball was double gross. This, however, was different because Sakura's eyeball was utterly stiff and bone-dry, not moist and squishy, as he had assumed all eyes were.
'Everybody has been weird lately.' Sasuke thought as he returned to the academy classroom to await his Jonin mentor. 'Ino's been talking differently, that dunce Naruto has been even more hyper than normal lately, I haven't seen Shikamaru awake in days, and Choji has been eating even more than usual, which I didn't realize was possible. Now Sakura is a statue, and I hear a weird voice narrating everything in my head. Just what is going on?'
Sasuke hoped that whatever Jonin he was assigned to would be able to help him with this problem because he was approaching his wit's end, and the last thing the world needed was a second insane Uchiha...
Thanks for reading, and remember to leave a review telling me what you thought!
Also, Sakura's movements in the classroom are supposed to be reminiscent of a video game character stuck in a T-Pose with broken animations kind of thing. I hope I described it accurately!
List of Gimmicks (In order of appearance):
Naruto: Severe Hyperactive and Inattentive ADHD. Might be slightly gay for Sasuke.
Iruka: Uses cringe Romaji.
Hiruzen: Only ever uses single words, lots of thoughtful hmmms.
Sakura: Vegetable. Does not meaningfully respond or contribute to anything except where the plot demands it. Sometimes glitches into objects.
Sasuke: Can hear the narration. Is aware of character changes.
Mizuki: Likes one piece (and therefore must die)
Konohamaru: Ralph Wiggum-levels of dumb. Thinks Ebisu is his mommy.
Ebisu: Konohamaru's caretaker. Acts like his mommy because it's just easier to deal with Konohamaru that way.
Hinata: Had a stroke when she was 5, causing her to mega-stutter.
Kiba: Is a normal dog.
Shino: Infested with brain parasites that make him do things.
Ino: Stereotypical Valley girl behaviour.
Shikamaru: Always sleeping.
Choji: Mouth is always full of food, preventing him from speaking clearly.
Kakashi: Easily and frequently distracted by reading material.