A Taste of the Devine

by ClashOfFates

I never saw him coming, never expected his presence to change everything. I held a grudge against my mother for this very thing. For falling headfirst, never stopping to think. But now it's happened to me and I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do. Should I stay or should I go? It's a question I never thought I'd be asking myself… until now. Bella/Paul OOC/AU/HEA

23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Paul P.O.V

I shouldn't have gone. I should have continued on my way to work like I have every day, patiently waiting for Bella to come to me on her own. I thought I'd learned my lesson. I thought I'd figured out what to do and what to say to prevent Bella from pulling away from me even more than she already had.

Instead, I'd fucking ruined everything.

Ever since Bella and I's initial fight, I hadn't been able to control the wolf as well as I have before. His growing need to claim what was rightfully his tormented me every day. Jacob's phone call had been the last straw. The wolf had unceremoniously stolen control, letting his own primal urges run freely, guiding him the rest of the way.

I'd yelled inside my mind warning him to stop, to control his emotions so I wouldn't have to bear the consequences of his impulsivity. He'd ignored my by my own emotions running wild, I hadn't been able to contain him as successfully as I have before when human me felt the exact same way.

I was angry too. Furious. Loathing the thought of Bella spending her precious time on another man who wasn't me, that there was a very real possibility they could be doing the same things we have before. So it was no wonder I was so chock-full of insecurities.

Up until that point, I knew Bella hadn't been actively with anyone other than me. I wasn't proud of it, but our friends had been secretly feeding me information since practically the beginning. Especially Jacob and Embry, who had repeatedly reassured me they hadn't witnessed her with anyone else nor smelled the scent of another man on her skin. And although I wanted to believe in Bella's honesty, I still clung closely to that fear, I just couldn't help it. Not when I knew we weren't officially in a committed relationship.

It was a constant worry, dreading Bella giving her body to someone who didn't deserve it, who wouldn't cherish it the same way I had secretly sworn to do for the rest of my days.

And that's where Julian had come in. Feeding my one insecurity, becoming the number one enemy in my mind, the source of all of my misfortune. Unwanted images of Bella and him in the same positions we've been in before plaguing my mind no matter how hard I tried to ignore them. Imagining his undeserving hands on her, drinking her in during her most intimate moments, to have her naked skin and body exposed to his unworthy eyes.

I couldn't bear the thought.

I'd been teetering on the edge of self-control for weeks now well past the point of no return. And when the wolf had finally found the chink in my armor, he'd slid right in, pushing his own rage and will into my body, fanning the flames of my ever-present fury. He'd convinced me we could no longer wait for Bella to come to grips with what we were on her own. We had this urgent need to hear her admit we were the one. To tell us she'd finally come to realize she only wanted us and us alone. We dreamed of the day.

Instead, she'd declared we were nothing. Coldly reminding me she'd never promised me anything and therefore to have zero to no expectations from her.

She was right, of course. Fuck I loathed to admit it but she was.

And all because I'd lied.

I'd lied to her from the start, claiming I wanted nothing other than her body. I'd told her I just wanted sex and that I would never ask for anything more. It had been such a treacherous lie.

I wanted forever.

I wanted everything.

Not just her body but her heart too. For our souls to be intertwined for as long as we both existed on this earth and far beyond. I didn't want to be the guy she called on when she had the sudden urge to fill her needs. Sure, I wanted that too but I also wanted more, but I'd known if I admitted that to her from the start she would have never given me the chance. At the time I'd believed I just needed an opening, that once we started having sex, spent more time together as if we were a real couple, she would finally see it for what it was. I'd fooled myself into thinking I just needed a foot in the door and that it would eventually lead me straight into her heart.

I'm not sure what that made me exactly. A hopeless romantic? A fucking idiot? All I knew was I'd failed miserably.

I hadn't been able to continue on with the lie longer than a couple of fucking months before I started imposing my will on her. Forcing her to see what we could be before she was ready. I'd pressured her. I'd forcibly willed her to admit something she wasn't yet ready to admit to herself. I'd been foolish, impatient, brutish, so many other adjectives I could fill an entire book with them. Without using actual words, I still hadn't been able to hide my true feelings for her.

She was well and done with me.

And I couldn't blame anyone else but myself… I'd practically pushed her into that fucker's arms.

When my wolf had caught sight of her in his arms. All that anger, frustration, and fear clashed into one giant cluster fuck of emotions that exploded in one swift brutal moment. I'd almost wolfed out on them right then and there. Thankfully I'd been able to keep my physical body from imploding, but my mind had no such luck. His emotions had infiltrated my mind, warping my perception of the scene before me and triggering my most primal need to protect what was mine. My mouth opened and I began spewing accusations I had no right to speak.

And when I'd finally managed to gain a smidgen of control back from the wolf, I'd pried myself away from her. It had been torturous to do at first, but with the sight of Bella turning away from me. The fear of losing her had finally dispersed the oppressing fog of anger long enough for me to find some semblance of reason, giving her exactly what she had asked of me. It was the only thing I could think of at the moment to stop the situation from getting any worse.

The wolf had growled in my mind, angry with me for leaving Bella alone with him again. Furious that I hadn't just physically picked her up and hauled her into the woods with me and away from the threat.

I'd growled back.

He still couldn't understand what he had done. Couldn't grasp the idea of the destruction he had created. That his impetuousness and lack of control had potentially cost us a future with the one we loved the most. I tried not to be angry with him. There was no point to it.

The wolf simply didn't understand the ways of the human world. That we couldn't just claim what was ours when the object of our affection refused to be with us. To the wolf it was simple, we took what we wanted and that was it. Unfortunately that's not how it worked in the real world. People weren't just possessions. Every person had the right to choose and feel for someone the way they wanted to. Your will could not take precedence over other people's choices no matter how much you cared for them. And really, it wasn't what he wanted either.

Because though the wolf wanted to immediately take Bella as his, he also starved for her affection. He craved for Bella to feel the same way we did. To feel the same love, devotion, and affection we both held. But in order to achieve that, there could be no forcing of any kind. We needed her to come to us willingly. But how did you make a predatory animal who placed their own primal needs above all else, to understand?

And with that blatant knowledge, I was left to deal with this on my own.

What the hell was I supposed to do next if after all of this Bella decided she didn't want to be with me anymore? There's no way I would survive this, and not just because of the wolf but because I knew my heart belonged to her and her alone. It's always been hers. The idea of being with anyone else made me want to end my life here and now.

Fuck! I was going to be alone forever and I had no one else to blame but myself.

"It's not your fault." A voice called inside my mind, startling me and almost making me skid face down into the dirt.

I'd been so caught up inside my own thoughts, inwardly fighting with myself, I hadn't realized there'd been another wolf present. Thankfully it was Jared or else I would have been thoroughly embarrassed.

I trusted Jared though. He was more than at breast with everything to do with Bella. He was the one who truly knew how deep my feelings went for her, and so I had absolutely nothing left to hide from him.

"I fucked up, Jared. I fucked up so bad I fear Bella will never forgive me."

"You can't think like that." He says kindly, too kindly for my state of mind to handle at the moment.

"How can I not think like that? You should have seen her. So happy to be in someone else's arms instead of mine. She'd defended him and then basically ordered me away!"

"Basically?" Jared asks, sounding disbelieving. "What exactly did she say?"

"That she needed space. That she couldn't talk to me and then she turned her back on me. She walked into that fucking house right after Julian and left me behind."

Jared remains silent, or as silent as one can be when we had the ability to hear each other's thoughts. He wasn't actively communicating anything to me but I could still hear his thought process, his reasoning. The way he took Bella's words and took them as fact. Not overanalyzing every word like I had but taking them to mean exactly what she'd spoken. He made it sound like I was making it a bigger deal than it really was.

I didn't know if it was comforting or enraging.

"I know what I heard." I say defensively, angry that he would think me irrational.

"I'm not accusing you of anything. I just don't think Bella meant anything by what she said. It just seems like your emotions are getting the best of you that you're almost incapable of seeing reason right now. Maybe I can help you figure it out, to see things from a different perspective. Can you replay what happened? At least, how you remember it."

I grumble but do as he asks, painfully replaying every word she spoke, every word I spoke. Her movements, her reactions, the things Julian said. I tried to be as detailed as possible as I remembered the confrontation with Bella and her 'friend' no matter how much it pained me to do so.

Once I finished, Jared remained silent.

Again I could still hear his thoughts. I paid attention in great detail.

Without emotions clouding his judgement I could almost visibly see Jared's point of view. The way he perceived what happened in a completely different way than I had. There was a lot more reasoning involved. The situation appearing less dire than I had initially portrayed it to be. Sure it had still been an argument, something he knew Bella and I never did. But through his thoughts I could see the indecision in Bella's eyes, the slight flare of pain at my accusations. Instead of the anger I thought I'd seen from her by crossing her arms in front of her, Jared viewed it as a sign of protection, as if she were trying to put up a shield to protect herself from the hurtful words I'd hurled her way.

Instead of comforting me, it made me feel even worse. I'd hurt her feelings, something that was far worse than making her angry.

"Shit. I fucked up even more than I thought."

Finally Jared responds to me directly. "You fucked up. I can't deny that. But I don't think you fucked up enough to push her away completely. I just think you need to give her what she asked for."

"Space. I need to give her space."

Why did it feel like I'd finally found some clarity?

"That's explicitly what she asked for, numerous times might add. She wasn't rejecting you in any way. She just made it clear she wasn't ready to speak with you yet. And it wasn't just her who tried to calm you down either, it was Julian too. From the looks of it he was trying to reassure you there was nothing going on between them but you cut him off. And that's precisely when Bella got really angry. Not just at the fact you were accusing her of something she wasn't guilty of, but that you were also attacking her friend who was innocent in all of it."

The more Jared spoke, the worse I fucking felt. How could he say I didn't mess everything up? I had not just fucked up, I'd royally fucked up. There was no way Bella would listen to me now. There was no way I could convince her to go back to what we used to be. My transgressions had gone too far, I'd exposed too much. If she hadn't already seen it, I was sure it would only be a matter of time before she realized what I've been trying to hide from her from the start.

"I can't guarantee that she doesn't already suspect she means more to you than what you initially let on, but I still don't think she will end things with you because of it. She cares, Paul. She can't fully admit to it yet but she does. Though, you know there are never any guarantees when it comes to Bella. But again, just give her fucking space, man."

"I tried to give her space, Jared. You have no idea how much I fucking tried... the wolf makes it so damned hard."

"So next time your wolf is giving you issues, call me. I can help you. I'll tie you to a fucking tree if I have to, if it means you won't go off and run that damned mouth of yours. You're so fucking close, Paul... I'd hate for you to lose everything for one moment of idiocy. You know if you need me, I'll always be there for you, and not just me either but everyone."

"I know, I know you're there. It's just hard, this situation is so hard. I mean I had to get Jacob and Embry to keep an eye on them so that maybe I could use it to calm the wolf down. And I'm not gonna lie, it was for my own peace of mind too, but Jacob only made shit worse."

"What do you mean?"

"It was stupid. Jacob and Embry had lunch with Charlie, Julian, and Bella today. Bella invited them to join yesterday and so I told them to go. I wanted Jacob and Embry to be my eyes, to see what was really going on between them. I just wanted to reassure myself that Bella was telling the truth."

"I'm guessing Jacob said the complete opposite."

"He said Bella got really defensive. Got angry at both he and Embry and even at her father for questioning Julian. She did everything she could to protect him from their 'attack.' I scoffed inside my own mind, thinking it ridiculous now. "Jacob admitted he thought it was weird Bella had been so protective over him. He said he didn't believe her anymore, that maybe there really was something else going on between them."

"And you lost it."

"Of-fucking-course I fucking lost it! You have no idea what it fucking felt like when even Bella's own best friend admitted his own doubt. My imagination ran wild. It didn't take me long to reinstate the idea of Bella fucking the guy, especially when they have history. I was convinced there had to be something more than simple friendship between them. Why else would she continuously invite every fucking weekend without the purpose of fucking him? They weren't close friends before and now all of a sudden they're thick as thieves and we're not supposed to think there's anything else going on? It was fucking obvious."

"Except it wasn't." Jared insists again.I could practically see him physically shaking his head in denial."Jealousy is clouding your judgement. It's making you think there's more going on than what meets the eye. And Jake could always be wrong. Yes he's her best friend but he isn't the only one. What did Embry have to say about it?"

"I don't know. I was too angry by then to ask. I hung up the phone while Jacob was still talking."

"For fucks sake, Paul, don't you see?! You let your anger and jealousy get the best of you. You can't base everything on what Jacob says. He can be a bit impetuous sometimes. Not to mention he also feels like he's being pushed away because of Julian too. Embry on the other hand is more pragmatic, more level headed. If you would have stopped to listen to what he had to say maybe he would have told you something different."

Fuck he was right. Jacob could be irrational too, he was hard headed and headstrong, much like Bella was. He's complained about the fact Bella has been pushing him away too. He could have easily interpreted her actions in a negative way because he'd already felt affronted by her neglect.

"And now you see it too. I'm not saying Jacob meant to make the situation worse, but he's also just as emotional as his wolf. He's quick to temper and slow to peace."

God, I was stupider than I thought. "Dammit Jared!"

"I know." He says with slight disappointment in his tone, making me feel lower than I already did. "Look man, just go home. I'm off of patrol in about half an hour, I'm just taking a last look around the southwest border to the outskirts of Forks to make sure the city limits are safe. Once I'm done I'll come over and maybe we can come up with a plan to fix this. I'll call Felix and tell him to cover for me. You know he's always asking for extra hours anyway. And if you're cool with it I can take Kim with me for some back up. Maybe she can help us see it from a woman's perspective. Just don't do anything stupid. Go home and try to calm down. I'll meet you there as soon as I'm done here."

Whatever I did in a past life to deserve a friendship like Jared's, I will never know, but I'll be eternally grateful for having it anyways.

"Thanks man. I was about ready to–"

"I know. And you don't have to thank me. I'll always be here for you no matter what. You know I'm always just a wolf call away." He jokes in the end to lighten his deeply meaningful words.

Too bad I was on the brink of a meltdown and I was incapable of taking it as lightly as he'd attempted it to be. "Shit man, I'm already emotional." I tersely think to him, feeling my throat tightening in response. I mentally chuckle to relieve the tension.

Jared chuckles with me. "Man don't even start, you know I'm the crier out of the two. I can't help it. And Kim's not here to help me rein it in."

I chuckle more freely now, tension slowly dissipating as I thought about his darling imprint. "Tell her to bring a box of tissues for us when you pick her up. I'll need all the help I can get to fix this shit."

"Don't worry, she'll know what to do. Kim has this uncanny ability to–"

On his side of the world we both hear the screeching of tires. The pitch so high and piercing it rings uncomfortably into our sensitive canine ears. It's followed by a resounding crash of metal, an eerie silence taking over.

"Shit! I think someone crashed. I'm gonna head further out towards the road to check it out."

I instinctively push the shit show of my life to the back burner. Focusing on the innocent human more than likely in danger right now. The crash sounded nothing like a love tap, there was no way a human would come out of something like that unscathed. And I could always wallow in my own misery later.

"I'll head your way too. I can help provide first aid while you call an ambulance and direct them to where you are. You know I'm still getting used to the roads around here."

I change directions running with purpose again. He'd mentioned earlier he had to check the southeast edge of the forest leading to the main highway out of Forks. I headed in the general direction searching for Jared's scent to guide me.

"Yeah, good idea." He said, his thoughts moving to the more pressing matter at hand. "I'm sure it's just a tourist leaving the city. They drive so fast through those winding roads they sometimes lose control."

I watch through Jared's eyes as he soon appears at the opening to the road. His ears perked up, searching for more noise of oncoming cars or other human voices near the crash. He finds none. There is only a low whine of an animal in the silence, a deer if I'm not mistaken.

"Alright I gotta shift just in case they're conscious. I don't want to sca–"

I feel his shock and dread along with my own when we both catch sight of the truck.

My heart stops.

No, no, no, no, no.

Not her. Please, dear god, not her.

My wolf cries out in pain, so do I. My paws suddenly giving out right from under me within the same second, our minds descending into deep agonizing sorrow.

"Don't. Just listen." Jared urges furiously, interrupting me mid-weep. "There's two heart beats."

I pause long enough to pull myself out of my descent into hell to hear what he has to say. With it, I feel my crumbling heart start putting itself back together and starting its beating once again.

I find purchase on a root mid-tumble, pushing against it with my front legs to spring into the air landing on my paws at a run again as if I'd planned it from the start.

As soon as Jared realizes I'm back, he harshly orders "Just get here" right before his mind blinks out of my head.

My heart squeezes painfully inside my chest while hammering wildly as if trying to break free out of my body only to find its way to the person who owned us heart, body, and soul.

I couldn't lose her, not her too.

I thought I'd lost her when I'd first seen her in the arms of another man. It hurt. Deeply. But this was a pain far worse than anything I'd ever felt… so much worse. I'd rather see her in the arms of someone else every day for the rest of my life as long as she was alive and breathing. I'd prefer it a million times over than never seeing her again, of never hearing her voice, of never experiencing her life ever again. I'd fucking gift wrap her if it meant she would live. That she would still be on this earth, alive and happy, even if it wasn't with me.

I tried not to think of the worst, at least not yet, redirecting my mind and body to focus on getting there before my wolf and I began mourning. Centering my attention on my paws pounding against the cold forest floor disturbing the ground in our wake as we pushed harder. Running faster than we ever have before. Reaching speeds I hadn't known we were capable of.

My mind returns completely when I catch the scent of Jared in the wind. Immediately following his trail that will surely lead me straight towards the road. As soon as I reach it, I leap the rest of the way down the hill, shifting mid-leap and landing on the asphalt on bare human feet.

I stumble, almost hitting the ground on a tumble again when I see Bella's unconscious body lying in the middle of the road. Jared hovering over her holding a piece of cloth to the side of her head. There's a trail of blood leading from the truck to the ground next to them where Jared had obviously pulled her out of. There was a barely breathing doe a dozen feet away. From the skid marks on the ground it was clear she'd tried to avoid hitting the creature but had still managed to clip it and then lost control. Her truck had swerved right into the forest hitting a tree straight on. It was one of the worst car wrecks I'd ever seen.

Her exquisite face held dozens of cuts, red bruising all along the sides of her face and near her eyes. The right side of her neck was coated in blood from her head wound. The blood having seeped into her white blouse making the blood look bolder, brighter, more dangerous. The cloth he was holding was quickly soaking with red and her skin was practically translucent.

"Is she–?" I cut myself off as I drop to my knees on her other side. My trembling hand hovering over her cheek, too scared to touch her and feel her skin deathly cold.

"She's alive." Jared answers immediately.

My heart leaps for a moment, relief pouring into me but still not dissipating the terror clawing at my insides.

"I called the ambulance already, they're on their way."

"Fuck the ambulance. I can run her to the hospital faster."

Fearing I would never be able to hold her again, my hands automatically move to wrap her up in my body, urgent to feel her still breathing in my arms.

"Dont." Jared warns, holding me back by my shoulder to stop me. "You can't carry her, it's too dangerous. We don't know if she has any internal damage and her spine could be broken. I chanced it by pulling her out of the truck but I did it as gently as I could manage just in case the truck exploded. It's leaking gas." Sure enough I could smell it in the air."We can't risk it."

I growl, feeling true impotency for the first time in my life. Every drop of blood she released felt like my own body was losing the same amount. It was unbearable.

"Princess, please open those beautiful eyes of yours. Let me see them again." I speak to her softly, hoping she could hear me and miraculously awaken.

"I tried to wake her after I got her out of the truck but she didn't respond. Not a twitch, not a single fucking blink... Nothing."

My eyes become blurry, tears blocking my vision. I rapidly blink them away to clear the fog. Not bearing to lose sight of her for one single second, my body trembling with fear.

"I know, brother." Jared soothes me as best he can while his own voice begins to get choked up. His hand on my shoulder that had initially stopped me from taking Bella earlier now squeezes it in comfort. "Bella's strong, this isn't the end."

A sob breaks out of me and I hunch over her unconscious body. My forehead lightly dropping to her chest barely even touching her skin. I just needed to be near her, to be closer to her still beating heart to reassure myself she was still with me. I lay my hands on her still warm skin, surprised but relieved. I don't move them, too scared to touch her deeper than that.

"You can't leave me, baby." I whisper against her skin, barely pressing a delicate kiss to her jaw. My lips come back smeared with her blood. "I can't go on without you. You can't leave me so soon. Not when I haven't told you that I love you, because I do. God baby, I do."

Jared and I hear the sirens at the same time.

"Put on my jeans."

"Why?" I ask dumbly, my thoughts too scattered to move.

"You're naked. The paramedics will wonder why."

I nod but still don't move, fearing if I stopped touching Bella's skin she would slip away from me, drifting into a place I could no longer reach her. At least not immediately… because I sure as hell would be following right after. There was no way I could stay here on this lifeless earth without the warmth of her soul.

My wolf pitifully agrees with me.

"Paul!" Jared shouts, urging me to come back to the present and follow his orders. "You have to change! You need clothes to at least pretend you were hiking or something to explain why you're here in the middle of nowhere."

I unwillingly sit up, refusing to create any more distance between Bella and I just yet.

"They won't believe it. I'm not in hiking gear."

"It's the best we've got. You can't say you were in the car with her or they'll wonder why you're not dead." His gaze moves to the destroyed truck, shaking his head in disbelief. "Because there's no way in hell they'd believe you came out of that alive."

I look too, joining him in his disbelief. It appeared almost impossible for anyone to have survived that crash. The whole front of the truck was gone, disintegrated into bits and pieces of metal and glass littering the ground under the massive tree and road. There was barely a sliver of space at the front of the truck, miraculously right at the driver's side. If it weren't for that though, Bella would have surely–

A furious quiver runs through my body at just the thought.

Jared continues, pushing away his shock and falling into his role as the Beta of the pack while Sam was away. I can tell it's not easy for him. "We're in the middle of nowhere, and there's no other reason for you to be here. Hopefully they won't ask any more in depth questions."

Though I know logically he's right, I feel like my body will disintegrate if I move even a centimeter away from her. But I had to focus anyway, so I robotically nod, looking down at Bella for as long as I can before I have to do what Jared says.

The ambulance was getting closer.

I barely glance down at Jared's jeans in order to slip them on the right way, keeping my eyes on Bella as much as I can. She hadn't made a single noise since I'd arrived. She looked like she were sleeping, no sign of pain or any kind of emotions on her lax face.

It was… terrifying.

As soon as they're on, I practically drift back to Bella's side dropping to my knees again.

"Here. Take over putting pressure on her head. The ambulance is just around the corner. I have to go before they get here."

I immediately take over for him, stemming the blood flow until the ambulance arrived. I expected Jared to get up and leave but he doesn't. His eyes are pained as he looks down at Bella's unconscious body lying still on the ground, motionless. His eyes shimmering, body frozen in place.

I know it's now my turn to bring him back.

"Jared." I whisper, barely managing that with the boulder sized knot in my throat. Thankfully it's enough to wake him up.

He shakes his head and stands up, towering over us. "I'll get Charlie and let everyone else know. We'll meet you at the hospital." He manages to say before he's running naked into the forest just as the ambulance winds over the bend and into view in the distance.

"They're here, baby." I whisper, speaking to Bella as if she could hear me. "You'll be okay. You'll be okay." I repeat a few more times until the ambulance stops nearby and the pounding of running feet is heard, joined by the squeaking of wheels as they drag a gurney behind them.

"What happened?" The first paramedic asks, dropping to the ground, his med kit following right after.

"Car crash. She's bleeding heavily from her head."

He takes over for me while his partner asks me to move so he can take my place.

I can't bear the thought of creating distance between us but knowing his medical training is the only thing that can save her life, it forces my feet to move.

He starts checking her neck, prodding at the sides and making sure her breathing isn't being obstructed. It's shallow but it's there. He reaches for the medical shears inside his med kit, cutting her shirt open in half and prodding her sides and abdomen with his fingers.

"Broken ribs. Two, maybe more."

I curse but the paramedics are calm and collected as they continue, speaking medical jargon I can't understand.

"You got her out?" The one who took my spot suddenly asks.

"Yes. I was hiking." Is all I say. I couldn't possibly explain more, not while they were doing this.

"Has she been unconscious the whole time?"

"Yes, she hasn't made a sound."

They gently roll her to the side and assess her back, speaking to each other again.

When they begin the process of transporting her I step in, wanting to help with my strength to prevent them from jostling her any further.

"I can–"

"No." Says the other man when I take a step forward to help. "We've got her. Just stay out of the way so we can move faster."

I grit my teeth and tighten my fists at my sides as I watch.

I follow right after them, climbing the back of the ambulance as soon as they have Bella settled. I don't even bother to ask. There was no way this ambulance was leaving without me.

The blonde one glances my way with suspicion but with the urgency of the situation he dismisses me quickly.

My world suddenly feels like it's standing still and yet moving too fast. It seemed like just minutes ago I was standing right in front of her, furious, but healthy and intact. And now her life was hanging by a thread. The fates fatally sharp shears hovering over her lifeline deciding whether to cut it or give her more time. If they chose to end her life now, they better fucking have my own waiting next because there's no way I would stay on this earth without her for long. There was no hope for me, no chance to live a life without her in it. My vitality depended on hers, it was an absolute, not something I needed to question when I already knew the truth.

It becomes truer than ever when my wolf howls, shattering my insides. The pain reverberating inside my body terrified of Bella leaving us while at the same time ready to follow right after. At least in this, we were in agreement.

There was no us without her.

I give a silent thanks to the fates for choosing not to take her from me as we arrive at the hospital. The paramedics move in a flurry again and though I don't want to, I get out of their way as nurses hurry out of the hospital too. I follow at a short distance keeping pace with them until they get to the double doors inside the emergency room. A nurse suddenly blocking my path with her hands up to stop me.

"I'm sorry. Medical staff only. You'll have to wait for an update." She hurriedly says, not giving me a chance to respond as she jogs back to the paramedics disappearing along with Bella.

I stare unblinkingly at the glaringly white double doors, frozen, not knowing what to do now that the person I most cared about in the entire world was no longer in plain sight. They'd taken her. I knew it was to treat her but she was still gone, too far away from me. And I had no idea what was wrong with her or whether she would be okay.

I startle when I feel the touch of an unknown hand, flinching away from the unwanted contact.

"I'm sorry, Sir. I tried to catch your attention earlier but you didn't hear me." A nurse says apologetically.

My dead eyes shift to hers. I say nothing in return.

She watches me warily, fearing I might faint right in front of her. "I'm sorry again, but we have to keep this area clear. If you could move to the waiting room I'd really appreciate it."

Move? Right now? When I had no idea if my reason for existence was still alive?

"Will you– Will you tell me… as soon as you hear anything?" I try to speak clearly but it's like my mouth is moving but my brain has no idea what it's saying.

"If you're family, yes."

Fury.

That's what her answer makes me feel. But though my life was hanging by a thread, at least I still had the ability to acknowledge that this situation wasn't the nurses fault. She was only doing her job. And either way Charlie would be here soon. Sooner than I probably expected when he was Chief of Police and had access to a patrol car. I was sure Jared had notified him long ago. Nothing would keep him away. And I simply didn't have the energy to argue either. I was crumbling. Fast. I needed to get to the waiting area before my legs gave out from under me again.

I knew there was something deeply wrong with her. She hadn't made a single noise, nor made a single move, not even a miniscule twitch since the accident. There was no way if she were okay she wouldn't have woken up by now, which meant there must've been something seriously wrong with her.

I prayed for her to remain alive, calling on to the spirits of our tribe to keep my soulmate alive. To keep the person I was meant to be with here with me. My heart and body would never be able to recover from the loss. It would be impossible. I was tied to her in every possible way imaginable. I couldn't explain it. I didn't want to nor did I need to. My love and devotion for Bella just was. It had existed from the very beginning since as far as I could remember. There had always been Bella, my Bella.,. even if she didn't know it.

And though she'd asked me for some space, and after I'd caused a scene that had forced her to push me away, I knew she felt it too. I'd given up but it had only been my fear momentarily taking over, because I knew that I would be back for her. I would never give up. It was impossible for me to. Giving up had never been the option. I'd always known Bella was destined to be mine, or more accurately, I'd been destined to be hers. In any way she chose me to be. I didn't care in what way anymore. Just as long as she let me be near her. We could go back to being friends for all I cared, just as long as she was still breathing. But I'd never give up hope. I would never let go of this dream. A deeper part of me knew whether it was now, in five, twenty, thirty, forty, fucking fifty years from now it would eventually happen.

I would gladly wait a lifetime for her.

"Paul!"

My head snaps up so fast I almost get dizzy with the action.

"Where's Bella? Is she–" Charlie frantically runs, fear and adrenaline driving him toward me.

And though it pains me to say what I have to say, I push on and tell him the truth. "I don't know. They took her inside and… I don't know..."

Renee lets out a choked sob, Charlie holding her for a moment before his eyes are scanning the place for a nurse. "I'll ask for an update."

Renee immediately lets him go, urging him to inquire about their only daughter. She throws herself into my arms when we're alone as though she physically needed someone to hold her up.

I could relate.

I hang onto her just as tightly, closing my eyes and letting my head fall down onto her shoulder. Though I've only known Renee for a couple of months I felt as though we'd build a connection. The foundation having been erected from her knowledge of my secret relationship with Bella. And frankly, at the moment, she was my only tangible connection to her.

"She'll be okay." She murmurs shakily, saying it not just for my sake but for her own as well. "She has to be okay."

I can only nod, or barely attempt to. My body had other plans, just ready to drop down to the ground and cry. I was shattered, and I would continue to be until I heard of Bella's fate.

"They still don't know." Charlie's gruff voice suddenly sounds beside us. "She's in surgery. There's… extensive internal injuries–" He stops to collect himself, his closed fist moving up to cough into it to clear his throat. "They… don't know when she'll be out."

"Oh, Charlie." Renee sobs again, leaving my arms to fall into Charlie's again. "It's all our fault. She wouldn't have been driving so recklessly if she hadn't seen–"

"No. It's mine." I admit shamefully, shutting my eyes tightly, a lump forming at my throat. I didn't want to admit it but I couldn't let them take the blame. If it was anyone's fault, it was surely mine. "We had a fight. I got angry with her and lost my temper. She was upset with me and she was running away. This happened because of me."

"No, son." Charlie argues, releasing Renee with one arm to hold onto my shoulder in reassurance. "Bella, showed up to my house not long ago and she caught Renee and I– she was upset, really upset. She left our house and– we should have stopped her." He regrets sorrowfully.

"But if we wouldn't have argued, maybe she wouldn't have sought you out." I still try to say, feeling so much guilt. The weight of it crushing me even further.

Renee chokes on a sob. "N-no, P-Paul, it's my fault. If I would have stayed at the rental instead of sneaking behind her back going to Charlie's, this wouldn't have happened."

Charlie releases a heavy breath, as if a little bit of his own life force was leaking out of him along with it. "We can't continue to blame ourselves. There's no point. All we can do now is wait for news from the doctor. Let's not argue about who's to blame."

We all fall silent. Wordlessly agreeing. And though I logically know Charlie is right, I can't help but to feel the weight of my guilt.

I lose track of time this way, thinking of what I could have done differently to prevent this. If I wouldn't have wasted my time wandering around in the forest after our argument maybe I could've changed the outcome. I should have just shut up and groveled at her feet. Better yet, I should have never argued with her to begin with. I should have never accused her of anything. I should have never been angry, never should have spoken to her in anger. I should've just been thankful for what she had given me and be content with whatever decision she mad. I shouldn't have fought her for more, forcing her to come to a conclusion she wasn't ready to make yet. I should have kept my emotions in check and this wouldn't have happened. Bella would be at home right now with Julian.

The thought of them together didn't hurt as much anymore considering the alternative. I wanted her to be with me, to be in love with me. But I'd much rather have her alive and healthy. At this point in my life that's all I wished her to be. I could stay at a distance, accept only her friendship and expect nothing more. It was better than the thought of not having her at all.

I just had to make peace with that.

The rest of the pack eventually joins us in the waiting room some time later, practically filling up the entire room. It's then it hits me. The true impact of this tragedy. How the loss of Bella would not only affect me but the pack as a whole.

Bella has filled each and every one of our hearts with her love and kindness, her easy acceptance of what we were. She was never tied to these lands. Never forced to be near the reservation as we were, but she still chose to be here near those she loved. The sad reality was that none of our worlds would ever be the same without her.

There's tears involved from everyone, including Leah. No one had ever witnessed a tear shed from that unbreakable she-wolf, not even when we were kids. But here she stood with everyone else, tears running freely down her cheeks, holding on tightly to her little brother, Seth, who just as freely shed his own. It was both consoling and depressing to have the support of my pack with me. Each wolf taking their turn holding me up when I didn't have the strength to do it myself. There were no real words exchanged, just comforting touches and the silent presence of my family here to keep me upright. It was more than I ever dreamed I would ever have. My only wish was for Bella to see this too, to see how much we all loved and cared for her.

"I've been lying to you."

Through the air of sadness we all still hear her loud and clear, turning as one to find Leah standing in front of us all.

"It's not the time, Leah." Jared lightly chastises.

"No, I think it's the perfect time actually. I–" She pauses to clear her throat, emotion choking her up. "I imprinted on Julian a few weeks ago and I was too scared to accept it. And when I did, I didn't want you guys to pressure me into telling him about the wol– our situation, so I didn't say anything. I wanted to build a friendship first, to see if I really liked him and that it wasn't the– thing, making me feel that way about him. Bella was there when it happened and she helped me find a way to make it happen. She's been keeping it a secret because I asked her to." Leah then turns looking straight at me, so full of guilt. "That's why Julian's been staying over at her house. After the first week, it was hard for me to stay away from him and I couldn't keep going into the city to see him because of work and my other responsibilities. So I asked her if she could invite Julian over for the weekends so we could slowly get to know each other. I finally admitted everything to Julian this morning. I was planning to hold a meeting when Sam and Emily came back next week, but then this happened…"

What?

"Leah." Jared heavily sighs out, disappointment clear in her tone.

"I know. I shouldn't have lied and I shouldn't have asked Bella to lie either. But she did it because of me, she knew how scared I was of that ever happening to me and after Paul refused his… we both knew there was a possibility I could do it too. But I wanted to get to know him first before I made that decision." Leah walks to me and kneels in front of me. "I'm sorry. It's my fault she lied to you. Why she couldn't tell you the real reason for Julian's weekly visits. I'm sorry."

This whole time….

I believed there was something more going on between her and her ex. I thought they were back to what they used to be, they appeared so close now, closer friends than they used to be. It was the only reason I could find to explain why she had suddenly pulled away from me. The reason why she'd pulled away from her own friends, and especially from Jacob and Embry.

All this time I'd let my insecurities lead me to make my own conclusions while I completely ignored what Bella had been trying to tell me all along. She'd repeatedly told me over and over again there was nothing going on between them, that they were just friends. I refused to believe her. I'd accused her of so many things instead of trusting her like I should have. Bella had no reason to lie to me, though it always pained me to admit but Bella and I were never exclusive. She had the right to be with whomever she wanted to be with. But she'd still denied it, telling me it wasn't true. Instead of taking her word for it I'd been childish, threatening her with my own infidelity.

A crime all on its own.

Spirits knew I was incapable of such a thing, not just mentally but physically as well. Just the thought of being with another woman who was not Bella was utterly repulsive. How did I ever think that would convince her of giving me a chance to really be with her?

I was an absolute moron.

"I-I'm s-sorry. So s-sorry, Paul." Leah sobs out, more tears staining her face.

"It's okay." I manage to say despite my speeding thoughts.

"It's not okay. I should have told you about the imprint. I know you would have understood…. More than anyone, you would have."

I pull her up, maneuvering her to take the seat next to me. "I would have. But I also don't want you to feel guilty over it. It happened and there's nothing you can do to change that."

"It's still my fault that you guys fought. Maybe if I would've told you from the start Bella wouldn't have had to–"

"Don't go down that road. Charlie, Renee, and I already did that and it doesn't do anyone any good. Bella is still in the hospital fighting for her life and all we can do now is stay together and pray she makes it out. That's all we can do."

She nods but she still lets out a sob. I pull her into my arms, comforting her in the only way I know how.

I had no more words to say. I had nothing. I was too busy focusing all of my efforts to just stay afloat, to not drown in sorrow, to not dwell on worst case scenarios. They still filtered through but I couldn't stop trying.

Again I was more than thankful for Jared who was still assuming the role of alpha, continuing to maintain his leadership among us. He'd taken it upon himself to contact Sam and Emily knowing full well they would also want to be here to support Bella, and us. And though there hadn't been any updates since they'd last wheeled her into the operating room, he kept in constant contact with them. He also took charge over the bar notifying me he'd closed it down so I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Honestly I hadn't once thought about it. I could literally go bankrupt at this very moment and I could care less. Money meant nothing to me. It never had even when I didn't have it.

All I'd ever wanted was to be loved. It had been so long since I'd truly felt it. My father never cared, and my mother was long gone. All I had now was the pack and Bella. My savior, the angel the heavens had sent to guide me on this journey we called life. But god did I wish to have my mother to support me now. It wasn't lost on me that I might end up losing Bella the same way I'd lost my mother. Such cruel irony…

"Chief Swan."

Everyone intrinsically looks up to the doctor, forming a semi-circle around Charlie and Renee, the latter of which pulls me by the hand wordlessly including me in their family.

"Is she–?"

"She's alive." The doctor immediately expresses.

There's a chorus of relieved breaths.

It's short-lived.

"But it wasn't without effort. She flat lined twice during surgery."

Renee chokes on a sob, "But she's okay now?"

The doctor looks down for a short moment, hesitating before saying more. "It's touch and go at the moment. I wish I could give you better news but unfortunately it's not the case. There was some severe internal bleeding, a rib punctured one of her lungs. The loss of blood was extensive we had to give her a blood transfusion while we repaired the damage. There is severe swelling in the brain as well. We were forced to put her under an induced coma for the time being, hoping it will go down in time. We're keeping her in the ICU to monitor her condition, it's the best we can do for her now."

She was alive. That's all I needed to know. It might not be the kind of news I wanted to hear but it was better than the alternative. I would just have to hold on to hope and pray that Bella would fight to come back to us… to me.

"Can we see her?"

The doctor tentatively nods to Charlie, as though he should have said no but because he's the Chief of Police in town he couldn't say no. "Only for a few minutes… though I should warn you she doesn't look good. For now we can't trust her breathing on her own so we had to intubate her. She's attached to several medical devices. There are numerous cables and tubes attached to her body. She also has prominent physical injuries, much less severe than the internal but obviously more visible. There's multiple bruising and swelling, especially around her head and face. It can be hard for families to see their loved ones in such conditions."

"We don't care." Renee argues, wiping her tears from her cheeks and donning a tougher look. "We just need to see her."

The doctor nods and signals for them to follow him. When Renee pulls me with them the doctor hesitates again, ready to deny me entrance, but Charlie speaks before he can.

"He's family." He states, squeezing my arm to convey his support.

Again, for a moment it looks like the doctor wants to say no but gives in anyway. "Yes, Chief."

I have never in my life felt like I belonged to a family before. It had been something I'd never believed would ever be possible for me… except in this very moment. To have both Charlie and Renee accept me and include me in their family… it meant more to me than they could possibly imagine.

The doctor guides us through the hospital and straight into the ICU where he stops at a large window. We all quietly peer inside, seeing the person we all loved lying unconscious on a hospital bed. While the doctor provides a more detailed diagnosis on her condition I only half listen. My eyes riveted at the fearsome scene before me.

We should have taken the doctor for his word. It was jarring to see her in these conditions. Those beautiful brown eyes I loved so much, which I more often than not found myself lost in, were swollen shut. Most of her face was swollen and purple. Her beautiful luscious brown hair was covered behind bandages. There were several machines, tubes, and cables attached all over her body. She was almost unrecognizable, hidden underneath cold white hospital bedsheets.

"Can we go inside?"

"Not at the moment. She just got out of surgery and her condition is too unstable to risk it to exposure. If she survives the night we'll reconsider, but for now, its best we keep her isolated."

''If she survives the night…'

Those five horrible words swirl around in my brain in an endless loop. My wolf gives a pitiful whine, one I have to force back down my throat. I felt the same way. How could I not? It was impossible to feel anything other than sadness and plain, unfiltered, terror. There was nothing else. I couldn't even comfort the wolf. I had no pacifying words to say.

I was just as lost as he was.

"Don't give up." Renee whispers softly, her hand squeezing mine to anchor me. "There's still hope. She could have left us twice but she still came back. She's still fighting. We have to believe that she will continue fighting for as long as she has to. You have to believe in her too, Paul. She needs us now more than ever."

I tear my eyes away from Bella to look down at Renee standing beside me. Where before there was a continuous stream of tears in her eyes, there is only strength and resolve within its depths. She believes Bella can fight this, and as Charlie turns to look at us both, his eyes well up but he nods too, reflecting the same belief Renee is holding on to.

And I can't fight them, I can't say no and I can't give up. I didn't believe Bella before and look what happened because of it. I had to believe in her now. I had to believe that Bella was fighting to stay alive, that she wouldn't leave us anytime soon. I had to hold onto my faith in her, that my beautiful, stubborn Bella would fight against all odds to stay alive.

I could lose my faith in everything, even myself, but I would never lose faith in her.

Never.