11/3/17
Dear diary,
They say I have to use "I" when I write this diary. I do what they tell I to. They seem happier when I do that.
Using first-person pronouns is a painlike feeling. Dr. McPharrell says I mean discomfort when I say painlike. Using first-person pronouns is a discomfort feeling. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Byrnes always called me "it." Am I not an it? SCP-8980. Ess See Pee eight nine eight oh. That is what I am supposed to be. But they say I have to say "I," so I'll say I. I guess. It guesses. I am more used to being perceived in the third-person, I guess. I am not used to getting called "I".
Dr. McPharrell told I to stop calling him sir. I don't want to stop. It is supposed to make I look submissive. Dr. Byrnes always liked it better when I called him sir. But I stopped, because Dr. McPharrell told me to, and I need to do as I am told. I even offered to write this on a computer if that was what he wanted. I cry whenever I use the computer. I don't cry when I use the notebook. Dr. McPharrell says that means I like using the notebook more than I like using computers. I do not know if he is right. I just know that I am not terrified when I use the notebook. I can think straight when I use it. The letters do not move as much when I am writing them down. The screens hurt I eyes. They move so much even when Dr. McPharrell says they are not moving. I know they are changing. I know if I look away or blink for even a second they will change again. I have forgotten some things but I have not forgotten that the screens change on their own. The screens lie.
Writing this is a bad thing. It is not painful. That is not the word I should use. But it is the same type of feeling as pain. Dr. McPharrell would call it a negative feeling. I do not know what that means. I just know that writing this is closer to pain than I normally am. I am only writing this because Dr. McPharrell told I to. I would not be writing it if I was not told to.
Dr. McPharrell has been getting angrier. He does not want I to know that. He tries to act like he is happy, but he is always tense. I am waiting for him to give up on I. He will and I will be put back in the containment cell. The containment cell is closer to pain than neutral is. Dr. McPharrell says that means I do not like the containment cell. I do not know if he is right. He says I do not want to go back there. That sounds like it should have meaning to me. It sounds like a string of words that should make sense. I do not understand it.
There are a lot of words that sound like they make sense but do not. Like. Desier. Enjoy. Prefer. Dislike. Deserve. Dr. McPharrell wants I to keep track of these words. He says he will help I define them so I can remember hoo I once was. Hoo is another one of those words. I recognize the sounds. They go in an order that tickles something in my brain. I do not know what hoo means. I do not know what hoo I once was is. I just know that it is something Dr. McPharrell wants I to know, so it is something I tell him I want to know. I do not want. I do not know what it is to want. I do know that he is nicer when I tell him I want what he wants.
Dr. McPharrell says he will not read this diary. I told him it is ok if he does. I do not care. He says diaries are private things that no one else needs to read. But he told I that I need to use "I" when I write this diary. It is ok if he reads this diary. Private is a word that does not mean anything to I. Private hoo like desier enjoy prefer dislike deserve. Words words that do not mean anything to I. Words that Dr. McPharrell says used to mean something. Should mean something? I do not know.