Two days after that night Edward kissed me goodnight for his 'Official' departure time. Whispering in my ear that tonight was his turn to pick. I was both eager and nervous as I went through my nightly bedtime routine. Once showered and my hair brushed I made my way into my room, finding him seated on one side of the bed. I put my clothes in the hamper and joined him in bed, unable to resist touching him I took his hand and rested my head on his shoulder.
"Okay. What did you pick." Might as well ripe off the band aid. He chuckled, sensing my apprehension and threaded his fingers through mine.
"I think we need to practice our communication."
"I'd rather go back to kissing." I said honestly. I felt his chest move with his restrained laugh.
"I know, and that's exactly why im right. We have never been able to have a very normal relationship, there are things we should have learned along the way that would make what we are attempting easier. So I want to learn those now." His hand held mine, not allowing me to fidget from the nerves.
"Things like what?" He took a deep breath, blowing it out with force. He sounded nervous also.
"Personal things. Really personal things." A nervous giggle bubbled up and out of my mouth. I clamped my free hand over my mouth, mortified. It seemed to break some of the tension, and he laughed also.
"I know this is uncomfortable, I grew up in a time when saying such things out loud in the presence of a lady was deplorable, but we are going to be married soon and I want us to be open about our physical relationship." I know he was right, but man was this going to be all kinds of awkward.
"Okay." I said, picking at my nails.
"Are you okay with this Bella? If you do not want to we do not have to." I knew he meant it, I could say no and he would let it go, but I couldn't.
"No. You're right…we should."
"Alright then."
"Okay." It was quite for a moment after, neither of us willing to start. Finally he broke the silence.
"I suppose I should start, since it was my idea." I nodded, my face still on his shoulder. At least I didn't have to look at him in the eye during this.
"The other night." I already knew where this was going, and I shouldn't have been surprised. " You said you would be concerned if I didn't make you feel that way."
"Mhmm."
"What way do I make you feel Bella?" He asked quietly.
"You're going to have to be more specific, you make me feel a lot of ways." Okay so I was a coward.
"How about I tell you how you make me feel?" My heart stuttered at this, and I looked up, finding him waiting for me. His hand curled into my hair, holding my head so he could watch me.
"You make me feel more desire then I even know what to do with." My mouth parted, the air whooshing out of me at his admission. I never would have imagined my Edward saying something like that.
"Really?" I asked before I could stop myself. I knew without a doubt that I desired him, it was an embarrassing amount, but I couldn't fathom that it was reciprocated.
"Yes really. Did you just think I agreed to try to consummate our marriage to make you happy?"
"Yes." He clearly wasn't happy with my answer. He sighed and moved to take my hand, resting them both on his chest.
"Im sorry Bella, I wish that what I am did not have so much to do with the restricted physical relationship we've had." I leaned up, catching him off guard and kissed him before pulling away.
"No mopping. Remember?" He rolled his eyes but smiled.
"Okay, then can I tell you how much im looking forward to our honeymoon instead?" He could tell me that all day long if he wanted to. I nodded, to nervous and excited to speak.
"Bella, I promise I did not agree to try just to make you happy. I will not lie to you and say I would not have considered it without you make the deal so…tempting, but the reason I did so easily agree is because I desire that just as much as you. There is not a single part of me that does not want you in every way." His eyes hypnotized me, his words touching new parts of me that I didn't know existed. He said it so honestly that I couldn't deny the fervor in his voice.
"Have you thought about it?" I asked.
"Yes and no. I tried not to, mostly because it felt wrong to think of you like that without your consent. I know it is an old fashion notion but sometimes I cannot make my head adjust to the times." His honesty did weird things to my heart, the fluttering's growing exponentially.
"I don't mind." I said. Then pushing away the awkwardness I made myself continue. "I want you to." His eyes studied me for a brief moment, sweeping over my mouth.
"Okay." I took in a heavy breath. Preparing for what I knew was coming.
"Do you think about it?" A small laugh escaped me. He was being open and honest, it was my turn.
"Yes. Way more than what's socially acceptable." He grinned quickly and his hand slowly slid up my arm, his fingertips light and cold.
"What do you think about." He asked softly.
"I think about where we'll be. How it will feel to be able to be that close to you. I don't have a very good imagination so there's not a lot of detail. " I ignored the pink creeping into my face, we would be married soon, and I would just have to get over it.
"It's probably best not to anyways, I don't know what will be possible for us." He said gently, his tone borderline mopey.
"Anything is possible if we want it. That's why where doing this." He searched my eyes for something, his softening and showing his anxiety.
"Do you really think this is possible?" He asked. I pulled myself closer, leaning into his chest so my face was closer to his own.
"I believe this is possible." I said firmly. Then cause I couldn't help myself I kissed him. His arms wrapped around me, holding me close and he kissed me back eagerly. For once I didn't lose myself in his embrace, questions where popping into my head, some making my cheeks flame. After a moment he pulled back. Seeing my red face and grinning.
"What is it?" I press my lips together tightly. Thinking of other questions that weren't so personal. His finger stroked my cheek, cooling the heated skin.
"It's okay, ask me anything Bella." He said reassuringly. My curiosity won out.
"You said you try not to, but you have thought about it." It wasn't really a question, but it led to my actual question.
"No one's perfect, I can't help sometimes what comes into my head. There had been times when you say something or do something and my mind spirals into inappropriate territory." I nodded, as if that answered my question.
"I know that wasn't all." I blew out a breath and tried to find the courage to continue.
"When that happens…have you ever…uhh." Oh god why had I even started down this road. I had no one to blame but myself.
"Never mind." I shook my head vigorously and tucked it into his neck, refusing to look at him. I was a total pervert, and I would be going to hell.
"Have I ever.." His voice trailed off, the confusion evident before he stopped, and I wanted to shrink into the blankets.
"Oh." He said and my perfect, inhuman fiancé squirmed beside me as if he was uncomfortable with the topic.
"Are you asking if I've ever masturbated?" Somehow that word didn't sound so dirty coming from his lips as it did in my head. Well it was too late to it take back.
"Yes." I whispered, mortified by my own stupidity.
"I cannot say whether or not I did when I was human, but since meeting you…No, I have not. Not because I'm morally against it or couldn't but because again, it felt wrong to do that without your knowledge."
"What do you mean couldn't?"
"Just that I could if I desired so. I mean it all…works the same way as a human man…" I couldn't help the tiny giggle that escaped, awkward Edward was something I never got to see.
"Are you laughing at me?" He asked in mock anger. He moved blindly fast, rolling me backwards and suddenly he was above me, his knees on the outside of my thighs, his hands by my head.
"I would never." I said breathlessly, taken off guard by his quick movement.
"Alright then, Isabella." He all but purred, lowering his head and brushing his lips against my cheek. "Tell me my love, have you ever touched yourself?" He whispered, his cool breath tickling my ear. My heart raced and I didn't think before talking.
"No, I've thought about it but I'm always worried you'll magically appear." His lips hovered above my heated skin, drawing all my attention to that one point of near contact. He seemed to take an unnecessarily long pause before gently kissing my neck and whispering.
"I would give you your privacy if you so desired."
"Maybe.." I started and then stopped, realizing what I was actually about to say. He kissed the spot under my ear, causing a tiny shiver to snake down my spine.
"Say it." He whispered. I shook my head, trying to ignore his touch.
"We are going to be married soon and attempting to have a real honeymoon, I think we should be able to talk about anything." His words where a reminder of tonight, we were supposed to be sharing these things. I swallowed my nerves and tried again.
"Maybe…we should try…separately I mean." He didn't say anything right away and growing more nervous I tried to explain.
"I just meant…it might be smart to you know…know what it's like first, before…you know." God why was this so difficult. Why couldn't I say the words orgasm and sex without turning five shades of red. Maybe it was because I was trying to have this conversation with an immortal god, while I was still a clumsy human. Another reason why I couldn't wait to be changed. Edward snorted, making the most human noise id ever heard from him as he tried not to laugh. He pulled away enough that his face came into view, his lips pulled up on one side in amusement.
"Maybe our next practice should be teaching you actual words." He said, fighting his grin and losing. I let out a growl of frustration and wanted to hide, but his stance kept me from doing that. I was trapped under him with nowhere to go.
"I know the words."
"I would hope so, or the school's health class is severely lacking. Let us double check just in case." His tone was teasing and easy, and even thought I was the source I couldn't be mad when he was this happy and carefree.
"I think the words your searching for are orgasm and sex." It should be a cardinal sin for him to be able to talk like that.
"Says the century old virgin." I shot back. My hands found their way to his sides, wanting to feel some part of him.
"Yes well, you made me wait an inordinately long time." I raised my eyebrow in question to his comment.
"I have told you Bella, I have never met anyone who makes me feel the way you do. I did not want them, not their hearts nor their body's." My heart raced with the knowledge that somehow I was who he wanted, more than just my love but somehow my touch also.
"I don't get it." I said truthfully, shaking my head.
"That's cause you don't see what I do." I rolled my eyes, he's said this before. "What I see is a beautiful, forgiving, loving temptress who has my whole entire heart and then some."
"Then I apologize for making you wait so long." I pulled slightly on him, and he obeyed, leaning down and kissing me. For once he seemed to get just as distracted as I did, one of his palms slid under my neck, tilting my head slightly so he could kiss me more fully. My hands moved along his shirt covered sides to his back, ignoring the cold. I just wanted to be closer, when my body strained up trying to feel more of him he pulled away.
"We are supposed to be talking, not kissing." He said but didn't pull away.
"Right…uh…what were we talking about." I asked, dazed by his perfect lips.
"Your inability to use proper terms."
"I know the proper words Edward." I said, groaning.
"Then use them Bella." He said, back to fighting a smile. He was doing this to me on purpose.
"Fine." I took a steady breath, determined to wipe the smile from his face. "If neither of us have had an orgasm, then maybe having one for the first time while having sex isn't the smartest idea. Since neither of us know what it's like." The smile did fade from his lips and his silence made me nervous, but his eyes were smoldering with emotions.
"You make a very good point."
"Really?" I was half shocked and half excited.
"Yes really."
"How so?" I wanted to know what he was thinking, needed to know what was in that brain of his.
"Well, my main concern with being intimate is that I could hurt you without meaning to. You have already pointed out that crossing some lines before will be beneficial so as not to get overwhelmed, it's the same concept really. If we have never experienced something there is no way of knowing how one will react, and I cannot take that risk." I let my brain process that, fully understanding that we were talking about masturbating.
"Are you okay with that?" Was he actually asking permission? Was it because he thought I wouldn't want to or…or was he asking if I was okay with him doing that to thoughts of me?
"I'm okay with it…" I held his gaze, willing him to read the truer meaning in them so I didn't have to say it out loud. His expression was understanding, and I was thankful I didn't have to say anymore. He leaned down and kissed me softly for several minutes.
"I think it's time to call it a night, you need some sleep." He said quietly, pulling away and easily shifting his body from above me. I missed him so close, but I curled into his side the minute he was beside me, laying my head on his chest.
"I love you." I said, fighting off a yawn as I got comfortable. His arms wrapped around me securely, squeezing me gently into him.
"As I love you, my Bella." I felt his lips press to the top of my head and sighed in contentment.