I lay in bed, curled on my side as I waited for Edward. He had texted me that he would be by a little late, saying that Emmett had made some bet with him, and he had to stay and see it through. I shook my head at my future brother in-law, in most ways he was the most immature of them all. I didn't mind, I had read until my eyes were tired and then laid down.
There was no noise or indication of his arrival, just a sense I got that he was close by and then his cold arm was around my waist.
"I told you not to wait up." He whispered. I cuddled further into him until his chest was flush with my back.
"I wasn't, I was reading." Only half a lie.
"How was your night my love?" He asked, half burying his face in my neck. I could feel his chest expand with his breath.
"It was okay, had dinner with Charlie and then took a shower and picked a new book to read." I said, shrugging. My life was entirely too boring with him not here.
"Mmm, that's why you smell so good." He murmured, his lips brushing my throat. My pulse jumped at the touch, and I felt his lips curl into a smile.
"How was your night?" I asked, tilting my head slightly so he had better access.
"Dreadfully boring without you." His hand rested on my stomach, pulling me closer to him. Without thinking my left hand raised and slid into his hair, desperately trying to hold him in place.
"I know the feeling." I breathed out, getting lost in his exploration. His hand shifted, slowly trailing down my stomach and resting on my hip, his fingers curling around my hip bone.
"Should I let you sleep?" He asked, his mouth pausing.
"God no." He chuckled but I didn't even care. His lips just continued to my shoulder, the thin strap of my tank top the only protection from his touch. He paused on the edge, and then started back up. Once he was closer I twisted my head and caught his mouth with my own.
He kissed me back, matching my passion with his own. I twisted around to get closer, shoving the blankets away so I could feel him. His arm wrapped around me again, pulling me closer to his chest. Electricity coursed through me at the thrill of his response, after being shut down so often his acceptance was exhilarating. I kissed him hungrily until he pulled back slightly, a smile on his lips. It was that smile that brought me true happiness, to know that he actually wanted this to.
"What are we working on tonight?" He asked, his cool breath curling against my face. My eyes drifted closed and I breathed in his scent.
"Hmm?" I leaned in further, pressing my face into his cold neck. I so very rarely got to be close to him, to actually feel his skin, more than his hands or face.
"I think based on our last…practice it's your turn to pick." He said quietly. I tried to think of all the ideas I had in my head hours ago when I was thinking of exactly this, but his skin distracted me and I found myself pressing my lips to his neck, marveling at the texture.
"Bella?" I huffed out a small sound of annoyance and then pulled back, finding his face calm but serious.
"Yes?"
"I need to know what you are thinking before we do it. No surprises remember?" My hand came up and moved to the back of his neck as he talked.
"I know, I wasn't thinking anything specific really, just that I wanted to be able to touch you more." His eyes held mine for a quiet moment and then he nodded.
"Go ahead." He said, pulling back slightly and removing his hands from me. I frowned at that but didn't let myself get sidetracked. My fingers slid down his neck, feeling his impeccable skin until I met the collar of his shirt. I leaned in slowly, so I didn't surprise him and kissed his neck again, slowly trailing up and then down. When I pulled back I checked his eyes, they were calm but darker then they had been when he got here and that worried me. I let my finger brush under one of his eyes, noting the lack of dark circles.
"Are you thirsty? Your eyes are darker." He swallowed but shook his head slowly.
"I hunted before I came." His voice was as smooth as it always was but somehow seemed rougher.
"Then why?" My hand idly moved to his bicep that was out of his t-shirt, wanting to feel more of his perfect body.
"It's not just affected by thirst, they change based on…emotions also." I reached his hand and took hold of it, bringing it up and onto my cheek, holding it there so he couldn't pull away.
"I don't understand." I told him truthfully.
"When my eyes change it is because I'm…hungry. Usually that is for blood, but tonight it's for something else…" His eyes held mine as he spoke, and I felt the heat in my face when I comprehended his meaning.
"Oh." I said lamely, unsure how to respond to that. I was still getting used to him admitting things like that.
"I told you Bella, I do want you. When will you believe that?" I shrugged and moved my focus back to him. There really wasn't much skin on display, besides his face and arms he was covered, wearing a gray t shirt and black relaxed jeans. I let my hand rest on his covered chest.
"Can you…take this off?" I asked hesitantly. I wasn't sure how much pushing we were supposed to be doing and the fear of rejection waited close by. To my surprise he sat up quickly, almost startling me and reached behind his head, pulling the shirt over and off. I laughed at his quick movements while he dropped the shirt behind himself off the bed and laid back down.
I stared at the expanse of his chest, unsure at first how to proceed. His hand reached out and gently picked mine up, laying it gingerly back onto his chest. His skin here was ice cold, as though it never saw the day of light or even my warmer touch. I let my hand roam free, feeling all the new parts of his glorious body and tried to stay focused on the task at hand. His breaths stayed even but his eyes tracked every movement I made, watching as my fingers trailed down his stomach and found the trail of bronze hair that disappeared into his pants.
My eyes flicked up to his, watching him watch me. His arm was along his side, his hand relaxed at his hip but he was stiff, the tension rolling off him.
"Is this too much?" His eyes found mine, the dark gold like poisoned honey, I was frozen, unable to look away.
"You can't honestly imagine how…wonderful it feels." I smiled at his admission, no longer unable to keep away from him I leaned in and kissed his unexpecting lips. He didn't scold me for moving too fast, his hand slid into my hair, holding my head to his. My hand moved up his firm stomach and around to his back and I pulled myself closer to his stone form, ignoring the coldness that seeped into me.
Her touch was fire all around me. The feeling of her warm palm on my exposed skin was distracting, pulling various parts of my concentration to it. It could not have been comfortable, I was cold and hard, something that should have been repulsive to her, but she clung to me tighter, her upper body pressed to my chest. Instead of trying to ignore the way my body reacted to her I was determined to use any means I could to help us prepare for what we were trying to attempt, and that meant pulling those thoughts and feelings to the front of my mind. I was hesitant to do this at first, even after my conversation with Carlisle the other day. I had not told Bella because I knew she would be embarrassed but I had talked with my father again after Bella had broached the subject of our practicing. He thought it a wonderful idea and had given me ideas for what he felt were important for us to work on, but it still was not until Bella had said that she wanted me to think of her that way that I had really allowed my thoughts to stray to unknown territory.
I did that now, letting the way her hand felt take more of my control. I had told her the truth when I said it felt wonderful, but it was something new and that was what made me nervous. She had been so right that I felt almost idiotic for not seeing it. I had committed to trying to have a real honeymoon, but I had not allowed myself to think about what that really entailed. After more than a year of denying any self-gratification with our physical relationship it was hard to rewire my brain to not push those feelings aside, but I knew now that if I had any hope of satisfying her I had to change the way I was approaching this. It was the same theory I had used in the beginning, desensitizing myself to her, only it was not for her blood but for her body. For her touch.
My arm moved to her waist, my hand finding her delicate back and pulling her closer. I heard her heart speed up and wanted to smile but I focused on the pressure of my hand, I could not hold her to tight, could not allow my concentration to slip for even a moment. One second was all it could take, and she could be gravely injured. I broke our kiss and took a deep breath, letting the scent burn down my throat. Her soft lips did not leave my face, kissing any part of me she could. Her hand slid around my waist again, resting low on my stomach and her lips trailed down my throat. I closed my eyes tightly and fought the onslaught of pleasure that wanted to take hold. I just hoped she would not notice how tight my pants were becoming, it was something that was becoming harder to hide. I took my hand off of her as she continued down with her kisses, afraid of my slipping concentration. It was hard to separate the anxiety from her touches, for so long my first instinct was to retreat when I felt overwhelmed, but that would not help us moving forward, I had to work through that. Her warm lips came to a rest on my chest, on the exact spot my heart would beat if I was still human. When my eyes opened I found her looking at me, still hovering over my dead heart, her expression soft.
"Are you okay?" She asked softly, worried for me. My sweet angel, always worried about the wrong things.
"I am." She still watched me, and I made myself continue.
"Its…new. To allow myself to really feel your touch. For a long time I would push it aside, tell myself it did not matter if I liked it because your safety was the most important thing, and it would risk that. It still is, but it is not an easy thing to relearn." She nodded faintly, leaning her forehead against my freezing chest. She had to be cold, I should probably stop this now.
"I get it and thank you Edward, for doing this." I let my hand find her chin and tilted her face up so I could see it again.
"You do not have to thank me Bella. What we are working towards, it is not just for you. This is not a chore I'm doing, this is something we both want." I wanted her to believe my words, I was not sure how else to make her see how much I wanted this also. Was I worried about every aspect of trying to make love to her on our wedding night? Yes, I was beyond terrified, but I would not disrespect the oath I had made by not committing to this fully, which meant admitting how badly I wanted it. I could admit that to myself, even if she did not believe it.
"Okay." The word was nothing more than a breath. I knew I needed to end this and let her get some sleep, but I could not resist. My arms wrapped around her, and I gently pulled her closer, finding her mouth again. She pushed into me, and I rolled back, letting her settle on my chest. My hands caressed down the sides of her waist, landing on her hips. I have always admired her gentle curves, loved the way she was softly feminine unlike many females in her generation. Her arms slid around my neck, pulling herself tighter to me and sliding her body closer. I froze at the feel of her thigh brushing against my erection, my response probably confirming what she was feeling. She froze also and her face pulled back, her chocolate eyes wide. My mouth opened to explain but I found myself at a loss for words.
"I'm not sure what to say."
"That's a first." Despite the pink that tinged her cheeks she was quick to smile, easing the awkward atmosphere and I was thankful.
"I told you, those same desires that you experience, so do I."
"I guess so." She said quietly, almost like she was talking to herself and not me. I wished there was some way to really make her see how much I desired her every second. It was both anticipation and dread that filled me when I thought there was a way, I had to show her. I could do this, I had to be strong enough.
"I think it's time for bed." She did not argue, just pulled herself close again and kissed me before moving away. I took a moment to enjoy the way her body felt on mine as she slipped away. I leaned over the bed to grab my shirt so I could put it back on, but her fragile hand touched my back, stopping me in my tracks and I looked over my shoulder.
"Please don't." Her face was so vulnerable, an already defeated look in her eyes. It hurt to think that she always expected me to put walls between us.
"You are going to freeze if I don't." I said sadly. I hated that I could not just hold her in my arms without worrying if I was doing harm to her. I pulled myself away from those thoughts, they would not help anything. Besides, I had found the best place for our honeymoon for this exact reason.
"I'll use an extra blanket. Please Edward." I could not deny her, not truly. I dropped the shirt back to the ground and used my vampire speed to go to her closet, pulling a thick Afghan blanket she used on colder nights and had it draped on top of her in seconds.
She allowed me to wrap her back up in blankets before laying down but pulled away the corner I had draped on my chest, instead she snuggled up to me, laying her warm cheek on my bare chest and managed to wiggle an arm out, curling it around my side. I did not fight her, I would just wait till she was out cold and then move. Her arm tightened on my side, as if she was thinking the same thing. She turned her head, pressing a kiss to my cold skin.
"I love you." It was the only thing that made everything better. It soothed the worries and fears that were racing around my head.
"I love you Bella."
I turned into her scent, my face against her hair and just breathed. I got lost in her, only noticing when her breathing slowed, turning deeper and I knew she had fallen asleep. I knew I should move, extract her from me and go sit in the rocking chair. I needed to do that, but I could not make myself. Not yet. I wanted to be near her too much, loved the feel of her curled into my side, so much of her warm skin touching mine. If I was this distracted by just my shirt off how much harder would it be when we were both naked? How was I possibly going to be able to make love to my wife when I was a hard, cold thing and she was warm and soft, too breakable. My immediate reaction was that I could not, it was not possible. But hadn't I thought the same thing about not murdering her the first day we met? Remembering how badly I wanted to kill her and taste the sweet blood that was calling to me gave me hope, not only was I able to keep her alive, but I had fallen so completely in love with her that I could not fathom my life without her. I should not have been able to do any of the things that I did, not keeping her alive, or kissing her or letting her body touch any part of mine. Those had all been unimaginable at one point or another, and yet here we were, able to kiss and touch. It was just a matter of taking things one step at a time until the impossible was possible.
Beyond the physical issues was my own mental one, I was raised in a generation when we did not speak of such things, not until the wedding night and I found the idea of it troubling, thought I recognized in this day and age that was not the norm. I also could understand how that dated idea was not what was best for us, there was too much at risk to not discuss what would come next. There were some things I would keep to myself to either protect the honeymoon location or because I did not want to ruin the romance that should come with one losing their virginity to their partner, things that Carlisle had mentioned as a doctor who was familiar with the workings of a vampire male and human woman. I remembered them now, going over the conversation in my head, trying to forget they had come from my father and that they were referring to his future daughter-in-law. His biggest worry beside my strength was the potential for blood, we were both virgins and while that did not matter so much for me, it meant that Bella could bleed during our first time and according to Carlisle for some vampires the lust and bloodlust could get mixed up. It would be best if that barrier were to be broken beforehand, but that was not something I knew how to say to my Bella. His other concern was my strength and ability to stay focused, which was the one I was most concerned about. Which brought me back to our conversation from the other night. I was still shocked at the direction that had taken, even thought I had teased Bella about using the proper terms I had not fully expected her conclusion, though I could not dispute what she had said. I had never done that, it was not something that I had seriously considered, partly because it was not just a release that my body craved but more because it was wrong to think of my sweet Bella in that way without her knowledge of it. She did now, I reminded myself. Bella had not only said it was okay, but that she wanted me to, gave me permission to do…that to thoughts of her.
It took me a while to come to terms with that, mostly because she was right, I could not wait until our honeymoon, that would put her in too much danger. A new thought entered my mind, she had been talking about both of us. Without permission an image burned into my brain, my Bella in this very bed, her hand under the covers, her head thrown back on the pillow. I tensed as my body reacted to the thought of her pleasuring herself, my erection coming back painfully fast. I opened my eyes, intending to slip away but got distracted by the sight of her. She had shifted slightly, her head resting on my shoulder. I took in the sight of her, her thin shirt strap had slid slightly off her shoulder, showing more of her creamy skin. I could not stop myself from admiring the way her modest breasts pushed against the material, inches from my skin. I craved to feel her against me, wanted too badly to be able to do what a normal human man would be able to do.
She shifted again, shrugging the blanket further down her body and moving in closer, her head rested on my chest again, but her arm slid down my stomach, her hand coming to a stop on my navel, dangerously close the throbbing in my pants. I decided that I really had to move now. I carefully extracted myself from under her, slipping out of bed and turned back to tuck the blanket back around her, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. I stood still in the middle of her room, waring with myself on what to do. I should go sit in the corner like I usually would, but there was another voice in my head that said I had to push myself and I could not do that here. After another moment of indecision I made to go sit down but was stopped by her voice.
"Edward." She sighed softly, pushing the blankets away again so they pooled at her thighs. Her top had ridden up her stomach slightly, her soft skin looking so inviting. I wanted to touch her, kiss her.
"Please." I froze at the word, that dam word would do me in one day. She said it so desperately and I could not help but apply it to my current thoughts. I would be able to do this for her, for us. It was the push I needed, finally slipping out her window.
I did not go far, only moving into the dark forest that surrounded her house. Despite hearing many of these kinds of escapades from both humans and vampires alike I still felt like the awkward seventeen year old I was. I leaned against a large hemlock tree, shutting my eyes, and trying to let go of the nerves. I could recall memories with perfect ease thanks to my vampire mind, so that is what I did, recalling a night from just last month, one that had so completely stuck into my brain it was a feat to not think about every day.
I was still in Bella's bed after she had fallen asleep but soon found myself slipping out due to her tossing and turning so much. I took up residence in the rocking chair, watching her unsteady slumber. She had already said my name a couple times, pushing the blankets completely off where they tumbled to the ground. I was thinking about going back to her and waking her up, afraid she was having a nightmare when she tossed again, laying on her back and spread across her whole bed. With my next breath I was assaulted by her scent, but something stirred in the familiar mix, something that was sweeter. I had gotten hints of it before but never this...concentrated, I knew what it was. My angel was aroused, and based on her movements she was having a sexual dream. I had quickly slipped out of her room and ran until I could think about anything else.
I replayed the memory over, letting my mind twist the order of events. I did not get up and leave, instead I slid back into bed with her, my hand stroking her cheek softly. My touch was a catalyst, she turned into me, pressing her soft body against mine. I not only allowed it, but I wrapped my arm around her waist, holding her closer. She shifted her leg, hooking her foot around my leg, her thigh on my hip. I gave my Bella what she desired, pushing my hips into hers. She would wake up then, her eyes wide and confused. I would not give her the chance to be embarrassed, instead I kissed her, more demandingly then I ever had before, pulling her harder against me. She gasped, the sound catching in her throat before I felt her supple body relax against mine and a moan slipped from her. It fueled my desire for her body, for her pleasure. She broke free from me, gasping in air and searching my face until her beautiful eyes found mine. I had just enough concentration for reality to remember what my task was for tonight. Taking a deep, unnecessary breath I allowed my hand to move down my body. I would not over think this, it was a totally natural thing and I simply had to get over my aversion to it. Still I felt uncomfortable as I unzipped my jeans and pushed my boxers out of the way, my erection immediately springing free. I had to remind myself that I was doing this for a reason. I focused back on my fantasy, imagining pushing her back slightly until she was laying on her back and I was propped up beside her. I would run my fingers from her warm cheek and down her body, feeling her heart take off as I trailed over her soft breasts, her nipples hard under the thin layer of her shirt. I would finally touch her, would allow my hand to continue down her supple body, were I could feel heat radiating from her. I imagined that heat instead of my own hand now as I stroked my hard dick. My fantasy changed suddenly, I was the one on my back with Bella kneeling beside me, her small delicate hand wrapped around me, working my length. I groaned aloud, at both the image in my head and at the sensation in my body.
It was like a mental dam had broken free and every repressed desire had come spilling out. Picture after picture played out in my head in little, unfinished snippets. Bella under me, naked and moaning. Bella lying on her back, her legs open and spread wide, with my head between them. Would she taste as good as she smelled? Image after image of my beautiful Bella in different scenarios raced around my head and it was nearly impossible to decide which was the most tempting, I wanted her every way there was. Surprise tore through me as an image of her burned into my mind. My wife, the wedding band on her finger to prove it, knelt in front of me, her beautiful soft mouth wrapped around my rock hard erection, her golden inhuman eyes on me. I did not have time to process more than the desire before my release took hold of me, my body shaking from the pleasure.
I had one moment of pure, undiluted bliss until I sank back into myself, becoming more aware of my surroundings. Shame swarmed me, both at the images that had come from my mind and at the mangled, gouge marks in the tree that had come from my own hand. I quickly pulled my pants back into place, ignoring the mess as I sank deeper into despair. That could be Bella's broken and mangled body.
With my mind and heart both heavy I turned away from my sleeping Bella, unable to stomach returning to her tonight and ran deeper into the woods, the dark welcoming me like an old friend.