Luigi sat at the bar with his friend, Toad. The bartender served him a beer, which he immediately began sucking down.
Toad: Damn dude, slow down! You'll get double drunk if you drink it that fast!
Luigi: No such thing as being too drunk. I needed this beer, lot of things been running through my mind lately.
Toad: Like what?
Luigi: I just can't get over how fucking stupid everyone is nowadays. This entire fanfiction site is just cringe and bullshit, everyone is a dick to each other, it's just a pile ol' pile of gobbledegook and dogshit.
Toad: I hear ya, buddy. That's pretty frustrating.
Luigi: Toad, you don't even know! I mean, look at all the Loud House fanfictions on this demonized website! Loud House Revamped is like 3000 chapters long and has like 30 million words! Who in the Eswatini shit is gonna sit through that?
Toad: I mean, I read a few chapters, and I think it's pretty funny! Especially the part where J.D. declares his love for Anakin Skywalker!
Suddenly, Luigi leaned over and vomited all of his beer out.
Luigi: (gagging) NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN! DON'T REMIND ME!
Toad: Sorry.
Luigi: Anyway, where were we? Oh right, shitty fanfics.
Toad: Luigi, do you ever get tired of just hating and complaining about everything? It's your birthday, after all. Your birthday should be chill!
Luigi: I can't be calm when I live in a world full of retarded hyenas! My brother Mario is an optimistic fuck who has a wife, and I heard he has kids. Lucky bastard.
Toad: Well, maybe if you weren't an alcoholic, you would have a wife!
Suddenly, Luigi's phone dings. He reads a text message from Mario.
Luigi: Shit! My brother is having a little birthday party for me. Toad, I've gotta go!
Toad: Okay. I'll order a beer to go and bring it to you!
Luigi opens the front door to his house. Mario is sitting there with a cupcake, singing happy birthday.
Mario: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Luigi, happy birthday to you!
Luigi blows out the candle and devours the cupcake in one fucking bite.
Mario: Damn!
Luigi: Happy birthday to me! Alright, I'm going downstairs to go get whiskey.
Luigi heads downstairs. Mario waits a few minutes, and goes downstairs, too, only to find Luigi on his bed, chugging the whiskey and playing Call of Duty.
Mario: Luigi! You need to sip whiskey, not chug it! Also, why are you playing Call of Duty instead of our games?
Luigi: Fuck off Mario. You're too damn optimistic!
Luigi throws the whiskey bottle at Mario's head, knocking him out. Luigi grips the game controller, and continues his Call of Duty match.