I woke in the morning, my blankets hanging half of the bed. I stretched my arm out along my bed, searching for his cold touch. There was nothing. Raising my head I turned it to the rocking chair in the corner, sure he would be there.

I bolted up at the empty chair. I tried not to let the panic take hold as I realized he wasn't here. There could be a million reasons why, I tried to tell myself to calm down, but when I spied his shirt still on the floor beside my bed I knew it was a lost cause.

"Edward?" I called, probably too loud. I didn't know what time it was or where Charlie was but in that moment I didn't care. When my room stayed quiet and empty I felt the panic growing. Something was wrong. Something had gone wrong.

Finally remembering the cell phone he insisted I now carried I lunged for my nightstand, pressing the speed dial and putting the phone to my ear. It rang once, then relief flooded me as I heard his voice on the other end.

"Bella."

"Edward." I don't know why my throat felt tight and constricted but it must have sounded like it to cause his next words were ones of worry.

"What's wrong?"

"You. I." I was still trying to get a grip on my own emotions.

"Bella tell me." His own voice started to sound panicky now.

"It's fine. Im fine. I just…I woke up and you weren't here but your shirts still here and I thought something must have happened and I couldn't stop myself from panicking." The words rushed out of me so fast it was a miracle he understood them.

"Bella I am so sorry. I should have thought better about how you would feel waking up with me just gone." He sounded strained, and I knew he would be beating himself up over it.

"No, it's okay. Im fine."

"Im so sorry." His words stopped me. He sounded more upset than he should be, his apology seemed to go deeper than startling me by not being here. Which reminded me that he had yet to explain.

"Edward, is everything okay? Why weren't you here when I woke up?" His pause did nothing to reassure me.

"Everything is fine Bella." My heart sank, the panic starting to build back up.

"Don't lie to me. Please." I knew he could hear how pathetic that sounded but I couldn't stop myself from thinking the worst.

"Was it something I did?" I asked quickly, ignoring his harsh exhale.

"I'll be there in two minutes." He still sounded angry and then the line went dead.

I should have pulled myself together, but I couldn't. The fear that I had done something wrong, that these new boundaries we had pushed had somehow been the cause had me in its grip. That was how he found me exactly two minutes later, tears in my eyes and an apology already on the tip of my tongue.

"Don't you dare." He growled, sounding like a real-life vampire before he darted to my bed, scooping me into his arms and placing me in his lap, cradling my body to his chest.

"Bella I am so sorry. I did not mean for any of this to happen." He rocked us soothingly and I tried to get a grip on my spiraling emotions.

"Please just tell me." I said into chest, afraid at what would come out if his mouth.

"I will Bella, I will I swear. You did nothing angel. It was me. I had a bad night after you fell asleep and I needed time to think. I should have been here when you woke up. Im sorry, I am so sorry. It was all me Bella, I promise."

He sounded sincere, if anything I believed his fervent words. He wouldn't lie, not after everything we had been through. I shifted enough to wrap my arms around his neck, noticing for the first time the shirt he wore. He seemed to hesitate slightly before carefully holding me closer.

"What happened Edward?"

He was quiet and I wondered if he would answer me at all. This wasn't fair. His communication request went deeper than just talking about sex, what he had asked for was honesty of my mind and heart, but he couldn't even give that in return. I pulled back, crossing my arms around my torso. His arms fell to his sides and despite my anger I still felt the loss of them.

"You're the one who said we had to be more open and honest. You can't expect me to tell you everything I think if you can't even reciprocate." He sighed, his expression so…defeated.

"I know." I felt the anger drain from me. I knew he wasn't keeping things from me intentionally, and it was clear that whatever had happened had taken a toll on him. I uncrossed my arms, taking his hand in mine and holding it close against my heart.

"You're mopping." I pointed out. One corner of his lips pulled up the tiniest bit for just a second.

"Yes I am." I closed my mouth, telling myself to give him the time he needed to work it out. I leaned into his chest again, laying my head against his collarbone. I couldn't stop myself from counting the second that ticked bye. It took him almost nine minutes to work through whatever was in his head.

"Do you remember the other night…when we were talking about…" He struggled to say whatever he was thinking, which gave me some clue as to what he was referring to.

"I do not know how to say this Bella." He sounded so upset and I wanted to make it better.

"Just say it however, you don't need to censor yourself Edward, I'm a big girl. Where getting married, remember?" He took in a deep breath and blew it out, stirring the air around my forehead.

"last night after you fell asleep, I was thinking about our honeymoon and what we talked about the other night…how we should experience…certain things before that night." He paused and it gave me time to understand his words. He was talking about that. I internally rolled my eyes and forced myself to actually think the word. He was talking about masturbation. Did that mean he had…

"Go on." I encouraged him. I kept my face lowered, knowing how uncomfortable he had to feel talking about this.

"I…it did not…go so well…" I felt my brows furrow in confusion.

"I don't understand."

"I mangled a tree." He bit out the words, anger and resentment in his tone. I was shocked at what he said and finally raised my head so I could see his face. He looked hopelessly miserable.

"What?" I asked. He didn't hold my gaze, something else was brewing in those eyes. Not just anger but something deeper.

"I said, I mangled a tree."

"Yes I heard what you said Edward, but how?"

"What do you mean how?" He seemed to grow more agitated until finally he slipped out from under me and started pacing the small space between my window and bed.

"I did not know how to control my response. I was not paying attention to my strength and afterward I noticed the tree." I let him continue to pace while I comprehended what he said. I felt my face heat up at his words and tried not to picture what he had said. Of all the things that I wanted to say I'm not sure why I started with what I did.

"Why were you near a tree?" He paused and finally glanced at me.

"Why is that the most important question you could ask?" He sounded exasperated. I just shrugged. He started pacing again.

"I was near a tree because I went outside Bella."

"Well thank you so much for clearing that up Edward." I said sarcastically. He growled, sounding again like an actual vampire.

"I was outside because I did not want to go too far away from you, but I obviously was not going to stay in your bedroom." I wanted to argue that he could have done just that but then I thought of what I would have done if I had woken up and found him touching himself. I wouldn't have been able to stay away.

"Okay that's fair." His pacing was making me more nervous. Finally I couldn't take it, I got up and stopped him. Stepping in front of his way and putting my hands flat on his chest, his eyes on mine.

"Edward please just tell me what's wrong."

"What's wrong? Are you hearing me Bella, did you not hear what I just told you." He made to step around me, but I moved over, blocking his way again. I pushed against his chest, waiting till he backed up and when he was in front of my bed I pushed again. I couldn't move him, but he gave me what I wanted and finally sat down. When his eyes met mine he seemed to deflate.

"That could have been you Bella." He whispered, lowering his head in shame. He was ashamed, that's what I had seen before. I took his marble face between my hands, pulling until he looked at me again.

"But it wasn't." He shook his head, ready to argue.

"No Edward I mean it. You said you weren't paying attention to your strength but if I had been anywhere near close enough to touch you, you would have been more careful. You would have paid attention to your strength."

"You cannot know that Bella."

"But I do. I know that you won't hurt me. Not really." He closed his eyes, and I could tell he was still wallowing. I moved closer, climbing into his lap, my thighs on the outside of his and arms around his neck. His eyes opened but his hands didn't touch my body.

"This is the whole reason were doing this. You can't blame yourself for what happened, it was the first time you did something like that, it's probably normal that it was…overwhelming." He didn't look like he believed it one bit. I sighed and let my hands run down his cold arms until I held his, pulling them around me so his hands were on my back. Thankfully for him he took the hint and left them there.

"Do you remember our other rule? You can't beat yourself up about this Edward. So it didn't go perfectly the first time. I wasn't hurt, no harm no foul." He didn't respond so I leaned in and kissed him, hoping to at least distract him from his gloomy mood. He kissed me back but there was no real enthusiasm to his kisses. They were careful and controlled.

"Are you going back on our arrangement?" I asked, pulling away so I could see his face. His eyebrows pulled down and he frowned.

"No." That surprised me.

"Really?" He sighed again, sliding his arms more firmly around me and pulling me closer to his chest.

"Really. I know your right, it just shook me Bella." I let my hands cup his inhumanly face, stroking over his cheek bone with my thumb. I loved being this close to him, no matter his bad mood.

"I understand that Edward, I really do. Im sorry you had a bad night." He tried to smile but it was a pitiful attempt at best.

"Me to." I leaned in and kissed him. I kept it chaste, I knew that after last night he would be second guessing himself and I didn't want to push him further away mentally.

"It's going to be okay." I hugged him tightly, tucking my head under his chin. He held me carefully, his hands gentle on my back. He didn't respond to my words, but I didn't need him to. I could be sure for the both of us.