I waited until she was deeply asleep before I pulled back enough to cocoon her in her blankets. She had not complained about being cold, but I had seen her skin pebble up were it touched me as she was falling asleep. I could not make myself move from her bed thought, I was to content. I played our night over and over again, amazed at how far I had been able to push myself. I had not had the hope of truly touching her when I planned for our practice, I had known that I needed to get used to touching more of her skin, but I was taken aback at how simple it had been. The burning was the easiest thing to ignore, the hardest had been the weight of her body on my erection. Even though she was so light the pressure and slight friction had been distracting.
I've been coming up with specific ideas to practice that could directly correlate with what I could do on the honeymoon. Touching more of her skin was obvious, I needed to not get so distracted by the feel of it so I could keep my head. I did not intend to allow her to feel so much of me but in that moment my desire and her insistence had won out. It worked out for the best regardless, it was a close enough parallel to being inside her that I could allow before the wedding, the pressure and movements of her body on this part of me. I was sure it would feel a hundred times better, but it was a start. It had been overwhelming, yes but so much of my brain was focused on her own pleasure that mine was secondary. I had hope that this would be the case on the honeymoon.
I still needed to work on adjusting the pressure of my hands on her body, this would be my next task. I knew the amount of pressure I currently used with her body now, but I was almost certain that these gentle touches would not be enough for her when it came to our honeymoon. I would never purposely hold her to hard of course, but I knew she craved a firmer touch and I wanted to give this to her.
The feeling of her breast in my palms had not been an aim for tonight, but I could not stop myself, not when she so clearly wanted it to. I closed my eyes, remembering it now. Thought I had not been able to truly feel her skin the top she wore was thin, this was on purpose of course, and it allowed me plenty leeway to what it would feel like without any of her clothes on. I had been completely and thoroughly entranced by her, feeling the gentle weight of her, her tight hard nipples brushing against my fingers. Everything about her femininity was soft, she had gentle, understated curves and her breast were much the same, but to me they were perfect. She was perfect.
I had never allowed myself to simply sit there and admire her so openly, not in such a sexual manner at least. I had always noticed her, how could I not? But it would have felt objectifying to stare before this. Not because I did not want her in every sense of the word but because I had laid down very strict rules, and how unfair would it have been for me to take everything physical of the table but ogle her breast when she wasn't looking? Id admired her figure as a whole, but never really zeroed in on specific areas. Not like I had been at least. Tonight I had spent hours mapping out her body, there was only one area I had very deliberately stayed away from, and this was because of my strong belief that I wanted to wait till marriage to truly feel or see her, and I felt like letting my hands wander to that territory even while covered would be pushing fate. I did not need to give myself more temptations, Bella as a whole was already enough. I remembered the feel of her small waist, running my hands down her hips, which was quickly taking a second spot role of my favorite parts of my Bella, and to her perfect behind. I had not meant for it to go on for so long, I had surely kept her up way past her normal bedtime. I felt slightly bad for this, she needed her beauty sleep, especially with the wedding so close.
This drew my mind to the anxiety that sat on my shoulders like a heavy weight. The honeymoon. I had not lied to her, I was in some ways very eager for that first night, but I was also incredibly apprehensive and afraid. Bella was my everything, I was nothing without my sweet angel by my side and the very thought of what could go wrong was almost enough to make me go back on my deal. Of course Carlisle though that my undying love for Bella was the only reason I could manage this. My mind was pulled away from my current thoughts and into the day I had confessed to my father the deal I had struck with Bella. It was only a couple of days after I had placed my mother's ring on her finger in our clearing. I had essentially ambushed him in his office at the hospital, I was unwilling for our conversation to be overheard by my whole family. He could tell it was me by footsteps and lack of heartbeat, but still I paused at the door and gave a polite knock.
Come in Edward.I could hear his curiosity in his mind. Shaking off my slight nerves, I opened his door and stepped through into the white, sterile office. He did not have family pictures like some of the others did.
"Carlisle." I said, nodding my head in greeting.
"Edward. Is there something the matter?" He inquired, gesturing to the seat in front of him. It was a human habit for me to sit down, placing my palms flat against my knees.
"Not the matter, exactly. Just something I would like to discuss with you."
He looks had no idea.
"Go ahead son." He gave me a reassuring smile.
"I am not entirely sure how to say this, it's kind of…personal." I almost laughed at the idea, given that my family had no personal thoughts of their own because of my abilities. He only laid his hands in his lap, giving me his patient face.
"It's about Bella and our honeymoon." I could only hear more slight confusion from him, not words exactly but he did not understand. Why would he? I thought, this was insane. I dropped my head into my hands, not prepared to see his face when I confessed the deal I had made.
"Bella is insisting on having a real honeymoon before she is changed."
Oh dear. His thoughts were exactly like I had known they would be, shock, apprehension and worry.
"I have agreed to it Carlisle." I said, raising my head now to see him. His lips were pursued, his brows pulled down.
"That is a very big challenge you've agreed to Edward." I tried not to listen to his thoughts, they were running over the logistics of the situation.
"I know, believe me I know. But it is the only thing she wants. I tried to sway her, but she would not have it. I agreed only that we would try." He nodded, as if understanding that I could not truly deny Bella anything.
Why are you here? Surely you know the mechanics of what you are speaking was a slight hesitation in his thoughts, as thought he was second guessing himself on weather I did actually know how sex worked.
"Of course I do. It's just…well I have never actually experienced that for myself." There was no shock in his thoughts, he had already guessed this many years ago. I could tell he was not sure what to say, merely because he did not want to overstep.
What would you like to know?
"Anything Carlisle, anything that will make this possible. Anything that will help me not hurt her." He could hear my desperation just then, could finally sense how distraught I was over this decision. He was quite for a moment, pulling his thoughts together and I let out an exhale, trying to ease some of the tension.
"Okay. Im sure I do not have to tell you this is very dangerous, but maybe going through what to expect can ease some of your concerns." I did not say out loud that I was almost sure nothing would truly ease my concerns, but I appreciated his help, so I kept my mouth shut.
"I would think the biggest concern would be your strength. Right now you have to monitor every touch with her, you know how to do that, but remembering to keep yourself in check while being intimate is going to be a whole other problem. Being with your partner in that sense, its…" He paused, trying very hard not to let thoughts of Esme into his head.
"So many things. Overwhelming, amazing, distracting. All of it, especially if you have never experienced it before. You will need to take things very, very slow. No sudden moves on her part. Try to limit the amount of distractions, go somewhere very remote, where you will not have anyone in your head." I stayed quite, thankful for his instructions.
"Physically it would be best if she were in control as much as possible." He saw the slight apprehension on my face at that, giving Bella control of our sexual endeavors seemed like a terrible idea. He smiled slightly, sensing my thoughts. "Your strength could be a greater problem with you being on top, you are much more likely to hurt her as opposed to her being on top and dictating depth. Your advanced speed could be a problem to, when your lost in sensation you could go to fast and for a human that could be uncomfortable." I understood his words then, if I lost my concentration and thrusted into her even a little too hard I could shatter her whole pelvis. I nodded, agreeing with his assessment. It would be better, safer for her. Thought there was a part of me that was slightly reluctant to this idea, I knew Bella was shy and this would no doubt make her feel embarrassed to be put on display in this way for her first time. My other thought was slightly more barbaric then the first, I wanted to be the one to be able to make love to her, to give her everything she wanted, not simply allow her to take it from me.
"May I ask, has Bella ever done anything like that before?" I hadn't been paying attention to him, so I didn't realize were his thoughts had gone.
"No, she is also a virgin." I told him, feeling slightly bad for betraying her confidence.
"I see. My other worry is the potential for blood. As I am sure you know some human females can bleed during intercourse for the first time. It's not a rule, it is possible she will not. I would say the best case scenario would be if that particular barrier was to be broken before hand." I stopped myself from making a face of distaste. I was not overly worried about the potential for blood, I had long ago gotten over my craving for her blood, while my throat still burned in the presence there was no call for it. Not enough for me to consider asking Bella to do this.
"You should be prepared if you choose not to bring this up with her, for some the desire for blood and lust can get intermingled. When your senses are heightened the way they often are during those moments the bloodlust can worsen." I nodded, showing him that I heard his concern, even if it was not one of my own.
"You need to make sure to consider the temperature differences. I would suggest taking her somewhere very warm, so you are able to touch her without harm." I nodded, having already considered this fact.
"If I didn't know you I would caution that very few things have the ability to alter a vampire, one of them being physical love, but I know that Bella has altered you so completely already that I don't think this is a worry." I knew from his own experiences he was right, he had quickly fallen in love with Esme's soft nature and loving heart, but the day they had crossed over from courting to lovers something within him had shifted so completely. I gave him a soft smile, thinking there was no way Bella had not already altered me so completely. He stood up, moving around his desk and coming to my side, placing his steady hand on my shoulders.
"If there is anybody who has a hope of doing this Edward, it is you. You have so much practice already with restraint. You love Bella too much to allow anything bad to happen to her. You can do this, I believe in you. " His hand squeezed me gently, a reassuring touch.
"Thank you Carlisle." I said, knowing he could hear sincerity in my voice. He backed away, moving to sit back in his desk chair.
"I feel the need to warn you, while I am certain that you can accomplish this, I think you need to understand that being intimate with Bella now while she is human won't be the same as when she is changed. There are certain…acts, that I discourage you from trying until she is more durable. Mostly, keeping your venom away from specific parts of her body." I felt the unnatural human urge to squirm with discomfort, but I knew his caution was founded. While I would love to worship Bella the way I craved, with my hands and my lips, this was not possible now.
"I say this so you can prepare your expectations. Since you will have to hold back so much of yourself it may not be the experience that you are hoping for. Consider that in order to give her what she requests, you may have to refrain from your own physical gratification." I nodded before standing up, moving toward the door.
"Thank you again."
If there is anything else you need to discuss please don't hesitate.
I left then, making my way back towards my car. My mind was racing with his words, going over everything he had told me. My thoughts stuck on his last comment, I was almost sure that this would not be a problem. Even thought I would be holding myself back, I was positive that being with her like that, getting to finally feel her naked skin on mine and being wrapped around her warm body, would be enough for me. Other than the physical touch, I would not rob her of the whole experience. I had committed to being with her, I would not disrespect our bargain this way. I was also sure she would not allow it.
My mind came back to the present, Bella's scent burning my throat, her warmth surrounding me. She was cuddled to my chest, her arm wrapped around my stomach. I leaned my head close to her hair, breathing her in. My body's response was immediate, my mouth filling with venom. It reminded me of Carlisle's warning, I had thought about that often. How much could I be allowed to touch her? I had thought about our wedding night in detail over the past week, after my failed experiment, using the thoughts as a way to get passed that night and also as preparation. I would keep my mouth away from her lower half, but I wondered if, with care, I would be able to kiss her the way she had always wanted. I contemplated what else might be possible. I thought of my need to touch her earlier, my desperate wish to slide my hands up her small shorts and feel the bare skin of her butt, how much I craved running my thumb over the seam of her shorts and feeling the heat I knew was behind the silk. I was hopeful that this was something I could do, desperately wanted to do.
I was so distracted by my thoughts that I did not realize she was becoming restless, she shifted against me, the blanket sliding down her torso and her hand slid down my abdomen, stopping just before my belt buckle. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply and gently lifted her hand to place it higher on my chest. I did not need her so close to the hard length in my pants. The image flashed in my head of her small delicate hand wrapped around me and I stopped the groan from coming out.
I carefully slid out of her bed, leaving a gentle kiss on her forehead. I did not second guess myself anymore, I slipped out of the window from her room and into the surrounding forest. I found my normal, secluded spot. I walked over to a small patch of wildflowers, plucking a delicate white bud with two fingers. I striped my shirt off, leaving it hanging over a branch nearby and unbuckled my jeans, pushing them out of the way and letting my erection free. I still felt nerves at the act, but the practice had worked. After the first failed experiment I had drowned in despair for two days before building enough confidence to try again. It had gone slightly better, and I had kept trying, eventually Id passed by the small flower field, thinking how similarly I felt about the small, delicate flowers and to Bella, equally delicate, infinitesimally more important. Id plucked the flower, holding it in my palm and telling myself it was Bella's hand.
I did this again, closing my hand slightly on the bud, imaging her fragile fingers in mine and taking myself in hand. I groaned, the image in my mind one of Bella, laid out in a white fluffy bed, her naked skin glowing from the moonlight coming in through the open doors. Her hands trailed my body, moving from my shoulders to my waist, one sliding lower to wrap around me. In my fantasy I took her free hand, holding it up and above her head on the blanket. I imagined that intoxicating scent from this morning, swirling around us as I took her mouth against mine. I monitored my hand that held her- the flower- and let her -my- hand have its way with me, stroking my hard erection until my hips eased into the motion, rocking forward into her-my- fist.
"Bella." I groaned her name, fighting the desire to move faster. Slow, I reminded myself. I had to move slow, or she could get hurt. I let myself imagine swallowing down the venom in my mouth before carefully letting my icy tongue stroke across her bottom lip. She opened her mouth in invitation, letting me into her warmth. I felt the tightening in my body that gave warning, the building pressure cresting and spilling over into euphoric pleasure. I kept my head this time, keeping my muscles locked down and my hand loose.
When my eyes opened to the dark forest there was only a little bit of hesitation. Slowly I brought my hand up, opening my palm to reveal the small white bud. Fully intact, not a single petal out of order. I felt a smile touch my lips before I let the flower fall. I cleaned myself up using my shirt, then quickly ran home to shower and change.
I made it back to Bella's within the hour. She was curled on her side facing the window, her eyes closed and resting peacefully. Instead of moving to the rocking chair I eased my way back into her bed, content when she unconsciously snuggled closer into me.
"Edward." She sighed in her sleep. "I love you." She mumbled softly. I could not stop myself from pressing feather light kisses to her forehead.
"I do." I grinned, wondering if she was imagining our wedding or something else entirely. I was going to hope it was the first one.
"Leave now." I smothered a laugh then, thinking it was most definitely the wedding.
"Where are we going." She mumbled, sounding so curious in even her sleep.
"To a beautiful, sunny beach my love." I murmured quietly, thinking about Esme's offer to let us use the island. There was now where better that I could have imagined.
"No. No more camping." She sounded so disgruntled. I hope she did not actually think I would take her to go camping for our honeymoon. How unromantic.
"Mmm. Okay." God, the things I would do to even get the smallest sneak peek into her mind. Was she really dreaming about our honeymoon? I was dying to know.
"Tell me Bella. Tell me what you're thinking." I whispered, hoping by some miracle that she would respond.
"More." She sighed again, sounding eager.
"Everything Edward. Please." Her whine was impossible to ignore. Even in her dreams, she wanted me. It was unreal.
"Thank you Alice." This pulled me up short. What did Alice have to do with what I was sure she had been dreaming about?
"Good idea." She mumbled, her voice softening. She rolled to her other side, and then she was quite, her dreams pulling her so deep I had no hope of coming after her.