••• Friday, October 18th, 20XX •••

Sometimes, I love the silence… but it never lasts. The voices start arguing, breaking through the barrier I've tried so hard to keep. And oddly, I find it almost funny. Is that what makes it… real?

So I put on music, loud enough to drown them out. It's the only way to quiet my mind—not the silence around me, but the noise that fills it.

When I'm reading my science books, the thoughts fade, and all I see is the vivid world of the text—like I'm inside it. And the voices? They stop, just sit quietly, like they're watching a screen. Just… silent, side by side. Phantom and me. Like we used to be.

It's strange. Sometimes he's the angel, and I'm the devil. Or maybe it's the other way around. And then there's Sam, standing between us, keeping the balance when we'd rather clash. Kind of ironic when I think about it.

I'm done with the constant pushing, the way I've forced these voices back. It left me mentally exhausted for years, in a way no one could understand.

Some days, the voices are louder than ever; other days, they're just a quiet hum, like a breeze barely brushing against me. But when I wake up and stay in bed, that's when they're the loudest, filling the silence. It used to frustrate me, but now? I can almost laugh at it.

They've always been there. I can't deny it.

The other day, the darker voice took control. Jazz was crying… and I had to get away before things got worse. It laughed, made a joke of the situation, even while something ached deep in my chest. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

This morning, the voices clashed over the mask I wear. Sam, somewhere in my mind, stepped in, told them to calm down. It was so loud I couldn't sleep. I could've tried to silence them, but I didn't care enough to.

What made me let the voices in, drop the barrier? Well, I guess… he left me.

I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I do, but honestly, I just don't care anymore.

••• Saturday, October 19th, 20XX •••

It happened in the middle of the night. I'd let my guard down completely. I woke up from my deep sleep, cheek pressed into a damp pillow, heart pounding with this overwhelming warmth I couldn't ignore. I tried to cool down, but it was useless. The heat only grew until I found myself lost in that closeness, drawn into him in a way I'd barely let myself imagine.

And he left me again.

And now, just thinking about it, I can feel that spark all over again, spreading like wildfire. It's intoxicating, and yet, there's this edge of something so wrong about it. A part of me wants to make it stop.

But deep down… I don't want it to end.

So… today, I finally realized he's my impossible—yet somehow, my perfect soulmate. Phantom, that other side of me.

Maybe it's a guilt by desire. It was him last night, when I woke from a deep sleep. He was there, right there, in my room, and the pull was stronger than anything I could resist. I couldn't stop it, and honestly, trying to stop would've only made it worse. I needed it, needed him… and I loved every second of it.

As the sun sinks below the horizon, the stars begin to twinkle in the sky—all because of you.

Today, I had a bit of a reality check… or something like that. Sam and Tucker stopped by, asked if I wanted to hang out, just do something together. So, I finally went outside, actually left the house outside of school hours.

We went to the Nasty Burger—it was okay. But I couldn't stop thinking about him and everything that happened last night. I couldn't tell them. Sam would just get angry all over again.

••• Sunday, October 20th, 20XX •••

Last night, we ended up at an A-listers party—Kwan's pool party. No clue what I was even doing there, but somehow, we were all invited.

Of course, we had some illegal drinks. Of course, I ended up spilling what happened the night before. And of course, Sam got angry. Of course, I never wanted to hurt her. Of course, Phantom slipped into my thoughts here and there during the party. Of course, the A-listers actually talked to me, treating me like I wasn't just some loser. And of course, Sam and I had to argue before we left. Of course, she brought it up again, telling me it wasn't normal, forcing me to face it. Of course, I felt that anger simmering inside, the frustration clawing its way up. Of course, I had to hold it in. Of course, I went home alone before it could escalate. And of course, I had to put on that mask again, wear it like a second skin. I hate it.

What is wrong with me? I don't know what to do. Somewhere, I know I should let go—of him. But I don't want to.

You were the one who could always bring a smile to my sadness. Why did you leave me?

I wish I could find the answers…

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