••• Friday, October 25th, 20XX •••

Why am I so insecure? Why now, all of a sudden? Is it because of him? Because this is about him? Damn it.

Or maybe he doesn't calm me down at all. Maybe he just adds to the stress—school, friends, all of it. I'm scared of how they'd react if they knew what's really going on in my head. My grades slipping because of him? How is that fair?

But that's life, right? Just… fantastic.

Even when I try to be invisible at school, I'm still there, somehow always the target. The punching bag. It's been like this for years now. I've never done anything to Dash—nothing to deserve the crap he throws at me. I'm so tired of it. Tired of him. And yet, I still want to just curl up somewhere, knees to my chest, just… disappear.

How am I supposed to handle this? Anxiety's crawling through me again, making my breath shallow and my chest feel tight, like I'm on the verge of hyperventilating every second. I can't take the pressure, even when one part of me is trying to tell me to let it go. The other part won't stop reminding me of the consequences, keeping me trapped in this loop.

And the one voice that's supposed to help keep me steady—it's just gone, like it doesn't know what to say anymore.

I'm spiraling, and I know this can't be good for me. My heart, my mind—it's like they're being crushed under the weight of it all. I can't heal like this. It's only making everything worse.

I need him.Phantom. More than ever. So badly.

••• Saturday, October 26th, 20XX •••

So, he came again last night. I told him I wanted to talk, to get back to the way things were before we split. But he just looked at me, and said we couldn't merge anymore—something about it being too late, too much time had passed, almost three months now.

I tried to explain how that made me feel, pouring out everything I'd been holding back. And he just sat there, quiet, watching me. When I felt like I might break down completely, he pulled me into a tight hug, his fingers threading gently through my hair, grounding me. Then, without a word, he leaned in and kissed me. Soft, lingering. Why?

But he didn't stop there. His kisses kept coming, brushing over my face, my neck, my shoulders. Why?

God, it felt like everything I'd missed and needed, all at once. That rush of warmth, that spark I thought I'd lost—it was all back. I thought maybe he was just trying to make me feel better. But then he eased me down onto the bed, straddling me, his hands on my chest, his eyes holding mine with this intense, quiet heat. Why?

The night that followed was… something I can't put into words. We held each other close, shared warmth and softness until everything else melted away. And afterward, we lay together, his cold arms wrapped tightly around me, steady and secure, until I drifted off against him.

But when I woke up this morning, he was already gone. Again. The space beside me was empty, warm. And there it was—that ache creeping back, this hollow feeling laced with guilt, like something heavy pressing on my chest. I couldn't shake the thought that maybe I'd let myself fall too far, that I'd opened up too much. Maybe he only stayed to make me feel better, and now… now I'm just left here, alone with this lingering emptiness.

••• Monday, October 28th, 20XX •••

I'm getting really anxious. Not just about school, but everything. Maybe saying "not" is just a lie.

I'm spiraling, and I don't know how to stop it. It's making me restless, on edge.

Today was a typical Monday, but it felt like everyone was watching me, eyes tracking me in the halls, like they knew something, like they were waiting. Some of them even spoke in riddles, taunting hints. I hate that. I tried to ignore them, kept my head down, avoided their eyes. But that only stirred something darker in me, this knot of guilt and dread.

It's like they already know. They're just toying with me now, picking at the edges of the truth I've tried so hard to keep hidden—Phantom. It feels like they're trying to break me, ripping me open with every question, every look, scattering the pieces of me until there's nothing left. Does that give you some kind of sick satisfaction?

I don't know what to do. Today was too much. Jazz might be right—maybe I do need to talk to the counselor. But how would that even help when everyone around me won't leave me alone? They're everywhere, buzzing in my ears, suffocating me. It's like the walls are closing in, faster than I can keep up.

And then Dash. He slammed me into my locker again. It hurt—my spine, my head, everything. Why does he keep doing this? Why am I the one who's always singled out?

If this keeps up, Phantom and I… we need to merge back together. I don't think I'll make it much longer without him.

I'm really having a panic day today. Sad and overwhelmed. I'm going to get myself brainwashed, right? When I want to let myself 'heal'. Because everything in my head is wrong.

Phantom, where are you? Come back, please. I need you more now than ever.

••• Tuesday, October 29th, 20XX •••

It's like he can feel every part of me. He was here again last night, like he knew I needed him. Maybe we still share that connection, even after all this time. He was playful, teasing, making those little jokes that somehow always lift my mood, coaxing a smile out of me even when I feel broken inside.

I told him, once again, that I wanted us to merge back together, to feel whole again. But he just looked at me, that familiar softness in his eyes, and said he couldn't let go of me—because he doesn't want to die, or something like that. At first, I didn't get it. But then he leaned in, his lips brushing against mine, and suddenly… I did. I miss him, miss what we were, this part of myself that feels lost. But he won't listen. He says merging would kill us both. He even brought up my parents, saying he needed to protect me, to be there in case something went wrong. If we became one again, he couldn't do that.

Then he pushed me back onto the bed, that look in his eyes making my pulse race. He has this way of getting to me, of knowing exactly how to make me want him. I don't know how he does it, but I fall for him every time. And before I even knew it, we were lost in each other again, our bodies moving together in this rhythm that feels like a language only we understand.

It's been like this for weeks now. He says he wants me, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I can feel myself falling for him all over again, every time we're together. But part of me knows it's wrong, knows that I can't let myself love him like this.

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