Chapter 82
Longing
It's bright. The sea is always so bright in the nightmare that it hurts to look at. This is the second night in a row that I'm here and all I want to do is look at the gardens. It did it last night. If I'm going to be stuck in this nightmare again and again, I want to at least do what I want before having to go through the worst part.
The gardens of Helia are just so amazing. In some of them the bushes are trimmed into shapes like pyramids, spirals, and spheres. Through one man's eyes I even got to see him turning one into the shape of bird! And others have bushes with bright white flowers. They must smell nice. I see people stop and smell them while these little yellow and black things fly from flower to flower. I think they're called bees. I saw them in a book but never on the Isles. They're kinda cute like the spiderlings. I wish Acheron could see them.
Then there was the garden inside a glass room where all the flowers were the same color even though they were different types. From what I heard the woman whose eyes I was seeing through say, this color is apparently rare, even though almost everything on the Isles is blue now. She was showing them off to guests so I got to learn the names of them all. The vines with the flowers all closed up for the afternoon were called morning glories, the tall ones that were made up of little flowers growing in a cluster were delphinium, and dark round spikey one was called a globe thistle. Then there was the sky blossom cactus from Shurima that grew one, hand sized, blue and yellow flower on top of its spikey body, and the bush called a hydrangea which was the bluest of them all, and small ones from the mountains called Anivia's down, and another with pointed petals and green, tendrilly centers called love-in-a-mist, which might be the best flower name ever. And I learned the small blue flowers that covered the Queen were called forget-me-nots.
I want to go back to that garden or see if there is one where someone has collected only purple flowers. But I know I should be doing something else. There has to be something else I can be doing with this time.
There is a dizzying blink and I am now in a different garden in Helia. Large, gray, flat stones form a gently twisting path through neatly trimmed glass. I stare down at the scholar's feet, covered in embroidered slippers, as he walks along it. The stones have a faint shimmer in the light. When he is done walking the path, he circles around the edge and begins it again. Walking along these stones, I have heard, is supposed to help you focus and clear your mind. Is it me who is restless or the person I am seeing through?
I want to see as the Botanist again.
Bright light winks before my eyes. When they no longer hurt to look through, I am in the Botanist's garden with all its beautiful colors that aren't there anymore. The blooms are all still there in their shapes, but their colors are all gone. Green and blue are beautiful, but I think I would like the Isles more if some purple flowers could grow here too.
She begins her routine caring for the garden. The tiny sprouts that will grow into the last of their kind are inspected. I never get bored of seeing how the edges on the single, white flower shine like moonlight. Next she will give water to a hanging plant that looks like a string of green beads spilling over the side of its vase. Then she will move a pot of small, coin-sized indigo and deep purple flowers called shadow spots to a different place in the garden. She mumbles about partial sun when she does this. And lastly, she will stop and smell the roses. This is such a comforting routine to follow. Steady and predictable.
It takes all my willpower to leave her garden. I know by the end of the dream it will preserved by the blessed magic that the flowers aren't gone forever, but their colors are. I want to enjoy them longer as they are now, but I need to go. I need to look for Katherine and Charis. I spent last night sitting among flowers until it all ended.
Another dizzying blink passes and sandaled feet stumble before me. I catch myself on a nearby post as my head whips around to see what I had tripped on. It's some kelp, not fully dried out and still slippery. I hear the person I am seeing through grunt a word I do not know. It must be some Helian curse word. Father never bothered to translate them.
The fisher straightens back up and looks around. Others at the end of the dock call out, asking if I am injured. I feel my head shake 'no' in response. The gulls overhead are less kind. They sound as though they are laughing at the stumble. Otherwise, it is peaceful here.
Below me I can hear the waves gently slapping against the dock. Peering over, I see several small crabs scurrying about in the dock's shadow. The Helian watches them for a moment, stretches, looking back to the shore and down the dock, then picks back up the dropped fishing pole and continues to walk towards the others.
Nobody here knows what's going to happen soon. They're all going about their days, getting ready to fish. They aren't preparing to die; they are preparing to live. It's all for nothing. They won't need to eat. They won't need anything except to remember who they are. I will have to find this place. They might need my help. They never had the time to make peace and that twists souls all up.
One at a time. One at a time. Katherine, Charis, the Queen. I have eternity. One at a time, or I will get all twisted up. Katherine, Charis, find them, find the cove.
All my thoughts I focus on Katherine. I try to search for her like I can look for souls in the Mist I know. I don't feel my magic here but I don't have a better idea than pretending like I do. It's at least a way I know how to make my mind focus and think the right things.
Katherine. Focus. Katherine, Katherine. Cove. Focus. Katherine.
Bare feet curl their toes over the edge of a dock. One foot stretches down just enough to dip the toes into. The water feels nice and I am suddenly filled with a desire to jump right in. The waves are calm and sparkling, the silvery veil of mist on the horizon looks like a distant tree line, and the waves sound like they are calling me, calling Katherine, to swim out and see what is on the other islands and beyond. I can feel it. She wanted so badly to travel. This island was her whole world.
This island is my whole world.
My world is very small.
This momentary distraction pulls my mind away from Katherine and on to a boat. This is Helia's harbor. Always the nightmare starts with me looking down towards the harbor, now I'm looking back up towards the city. My head turns from the shore to look at the ship the next dock over and the soldiers wearing dark armor that stand guard around it. The sight of them fills me with unease. I turn back to my crew and remind them not to be distracted, that we have a schedule to keep. Time and tide wait for no man. But always the captain I see through keeps looking back over as more and more soldiers emerge from the ship.
I cannot let myself be distracted. I refocus my thoughts back to Katherine. Blinking, I see the quiet cove before me again. There is a voice behind me. She sounds like another kid.
"Come on, you want to see those ships up close too. Let's go. Mother won't even know we've gone. We'll be fast."
"Later. I need to be responsible first. You do want something other than salted fish, right? Well, that means I need to catch something."
"Well, you've been failing for a while."
Irritation makes my heart beat faster.
"Maybe that's because they hear your whining. So, try shutting up."
"You shut up."
Another pang of irritation. Somehow I know it is the word "failing" that caused this, not being told to shut up. Katherine looks towards the sea, turning her head in the direction of Helia. She wants to go see the foreign ships but now that she's said "no," I can feel stubbornness wrap around her like a spider's webbing.
I know how this story ends. She won't leave. She won't get to see the ships, not until we go together centuries from now and look at them preserved under the water. She doesn't need to breathe anymore. I wonder if she has swum down to explore them. I should ask her and recommend it if she hasn't.
"Charis, just help. If you want this to go faster, go find something else to use as bait, maybe a beetle or minnow or little crab. Maybe the fish want something other than worms."
Charis scoffs in response.
"Don't complain if you aren't going to help." Katherine scolds.
"We can get something in the city. I bet it would taste better too."
Now it was Katherine's turn to scoff.
"With what money? No. Go look for bait so I can catch something and then maybe we can go see the ship. But responsibilities first. I'm not leaving until I catch something. That's final."
"Fine!"
I feel her chest get all wound up with frustration. Anger. She wants to punch the dock but she knows that will only scare away the fish. Her stomach growls. Once again, she locks her eyes on her fishing line, as if she's trying to will the fish onto it by her thoughts alone.
Katherine please, turn around. Let me see Charis's face. Let me see her! If I know what she looks like it might be easier for me to find her. Please turn around! Turn around!
Suddenly it feels like I'm underwater. Everything is wavey and blurred and my head feels like it is being squeezed. When the vision returns to normal, I'm still in the cove. I'm still Katherine, but the time of day is later. The sun has moved but more than that, I feel the gnawing in her stomach growing.
A long, low howl that doesn't come from any animal I know is heard faintly over the waves. It's the sound of a horn. Every part of Katherine grows still as she strains to listen to the sound. There is confusion in her. She doesn't know what it is. I have heard it from the wraiths of soldiers. She hasn't yet.
The horn sounds again and then there is a second horn that blares. This one is louder. Magic must be involved for the sound to be so loud even this far from Helia. Knowing and confusion both churn in her mind. That second horn she knows.
"But the sky is clear." She wonders aloud. "Why blow the warning horn for a hurricane?"
She searches the sky for answers, then we both see it at the same time. Smoke, coming from the direction of Helia. Katherine is on her feet in an instant. Fear makes everything blurry and clear all at once.
"Charis, I think we need to go."
We spin around. The beach behind her is empty.
"Charis?"
Frantically she looks around.
"Charis?"
I hear the fishing pole clatter to the dock as she sprints down it. The sand does not even feel as though it's slowing her as she runs.
"Charis! Where are you?"
The warning horn sounds again and the fear in her grows.
"Charis! Something is happening, we need to go!"
We need to find her! Charis! Where are you?
"Charis?"
Where is my sister?
The woman in the dream screams.
No! Not yet! I still need to find her! Where is she!
I am pulled from Katherine's body and thrown from person to person as the dream moves faster than I can think.
I'm running. Move, I need to keep moving. My chest is fire. My legs are fire. I need to keep running up these stairs! Get away! Where is my sister? I lost her in the confusion. The screams and shouting below me are almost as loud as my heartbeat. Can't stop. Can't stop.
What is happening?
I sit in a closet. Father is looking down at us. We've never seen him look so scared before. It's terrifying. I want to ask him what's going on. Who are those people? Where is he going? I open my mouth but he puts a hand to his lips. I'm quiet. I know I have to be. He leans forwards and kisses me and my sister on our heads, whispers "I love you," and closes the door. I squeeze her hand harder. I'm so afraid. I want to calm her but I'm too afraid myself.
I need to get back to Katherine. I need to help her.
Hands trembling before me. I grip the sword tighter. I feel like I'm about to throw up. A hand is placed on my shoulder and the voice of an older man speaks to me.
"You'll get through this." He says. "And if these Water of Life are real, you will get some, bring it home to your sister, and save her from that wasting sickness. Don't falter. Keep her in mind and don't falter. You will get through this."
I still want to throw up. How did it get to this?
Everything is blurry. I'm on the ground. It's hard and cold. So, so cold. Around me I know there is fighting but it all sounds too far away. The only thing that looks clear is the body of woman ahead of me. So many spears sticking out of her. She's dead. She's dead. She's dead. How could he have allowed this to happen? She was like a sister to him. How did it come to this?
Why does she seem familiar?
As faded as all the other sounds are, the earth-shattering boom is as loud as ever.
Any thread of control I have over myself is swept away in the swirling wave of blue and green light that follows.
I don't see shapes anymore, but I see the light. It swallows everything.
I see the wave of light rolling over the water. My head whips up to the sails. We're not moving fast enough. The mast snaps like a twig.
Gloved hands protectively wrap around small, fragile, precious flower. It's all I focus on.
The ocean turns an unnatural green color as it reflects the approaching wave. Gulls scream overhead trying to fly away. Blinding light flashes over the crest of the hill. I turn towards it and freeze where I stand. It rushes into the cove. Are those faces in the light? It consumes her before she even knows what she is looking at.
Black. Darkness all around me. Cold mist curls around me like a tangled blanket. There's no point in struggling against it. It won't get off me but it will move with me. I know where the nightmare will lead me next. I don't keep it waiting and splash forward through the cold waters.
The light I know is Viego glows brightly ahead and I approach him. As always, I curtsey and greet him as politely as I am supposed to even though I know he cannot hear me or see me. If he ever can see me, I want to be polite. Auntie says it's always best to be polite out of caution.
Just like last night, he speaks to people who aren't here, promising vengeance against those who have wronged or mocked him and vowing to find his queen and save her. And as he does, he's pouring his wrath into the wraiths of the Isles, working them into the frenzy he wants them to be in for a Harrowing. The restless anger doesn't fill me, I am not being called to this Harrowing, but I know how the wraiths are made to feel. I wish he wouldn't do that. I wish he could share his love instead. But I will never suggest it again.
Never.
Never again.
Never. . .
I wish I could speak with him freely. I want to talk but I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing or not saying something in the noblely way a lady of a court is supposed to speak. I don't want to make him angry at me again.
He's so powerful. His anger burned me. It was difficult to breathe. He's so powerful. He can influence all the wraiths on the Isles at once. I bet he could find Charis. If he could focus all his magic, all his attention on her, I bet he could find Charis in the Mist. But he won't. He won't focus on anything else until he finds the queen.
I have to do it.
I will do it. I have heard her voice. I am one step closer to finding her. Next time I'm here in the nightmare, I'll see her. I won't linger in long gone gardens. I'll find her.
I approach Viego as he continues to pace as Misty does when it is annoyed. I want to speak to him, but I know my words won't reach him here. So I speak.
"Even without you, I will find Charis. You have enough to worry about. Let me worry about the other wraiths. I will find her and when I do, I hope what I learn can help you find the queen. I want to find her too. I want to find her so you two can be happy together. That's what the Isles are supposed to be for. And if you are happy there won't need to be Harrowings like there are now. I don't want you to fill the wraiths with anger anymore. They deserve happiness too."
Auntie would scold me if she saw this. I look into his eyes, the same bright green as mine. He doesn't look back. I wish he would. I wish he could see me, hear me! – but I'm afraid to make him angry again.
"We can do it. We can give them peace. There has to be a way. There has to be!"
His head turns and looks down at me and I suddenly fear that he has seen me.
Acheron floated in over Achlys. He tilted himself and circled slowly above her, studying his charge as she mumbled words in her sleep.
"There has to be a way. There has to be. There has - !"
Achlys's eyes snapped open, their faint glow shining in the dim light of her room. She gasped and the familiar chill of Black Mist filling her throat sent a shiver down her spine. She gave a tired wave at Acheron and pushed herself up to a sitting position. Then she sighed. Black coils spilled over her lips with her breath. She waved the wisps away as if they were little more than smoke from an extinguished candle.
"It doesn't hurt." She reminded Acheron. "Just makes me a little cold."
As if to prove her point, she gave a whole-body shiver and pulled her blankets up. Acheron, seemingly unconvinced, tilted to the other side and continued to regard her. Achlys reached out and cupped his crystal form, pulling him into her for hug even though his balefire added to her chill.
"I know you're concerned. I'm not hurt. The nightmare was still unpleasant, but I don't mind them as much. I can see the gardens with all the colors for a little while and I think I've figured out how I can use it to help find Katherine's sister. I heard her voice and next time," she yawned, "next time I'm going to try and see her face. I think that will help if I knew how she looked on that last day."
Achlys laid back down, still clutching Acheron to her in one arm, and pulled her blankets up and over them. She pet him slowly and he made a contented, soft, trilling noise. The gentle sound steadily began to rob her of the strength to hold up her eyelids. Her head rolled to the side and her eyes came to rest on Grimm. All these years later and she still kept the little plush wraith her father had made for her. It reminded her of how much he loved her and how hard he worked to raise her. Warmth bloomed in her.
"I'm going to do it, Acheron. I'm going to find her, even without his help. I have others to help me. I have you and Father, and Katherine, Gaspare, Auntie, the Chronicler, Misty and Thresh."
She gave another yawn and then sleep triumphed.