Author's Notes: Continuing on my quest to use an OC from each of my friends in the foxhole discord server. Big thanks for Kuraio (Grainbread) for letting me use his OC Jasper for this writing exercise.
Jasper All The Way
"How could you forget to buy that stupid doll! I told you to get it months ago."
The ashen fox sunk back a bit at his wife's biting words, desperately searching for any excuse. He HAD forgotten to purchase the toy, and now it looked like Christmas was ruined.
"I'm sorry honey" Jasper replied. "Work's been stressful lately…and with all the afterschool activities and helping out at the shelter, I guess it just…slipped my mind."
Jasper never understood the Cornerian people's adoration for commercialism. The thought of paying 100-credits for a piece of plastic was as ridiculous to him as saying chocolate milk came from brown cows. Still, he DID understand the ramifications of his failure. Not only would their 5-year-old son be disappointed, but it looked like he wouldn't be getting any, anytime soon.
With a sigh, his lovely wife continued. "Bobby got invited to play over at his friends house this afternoon. I'll take him over there and then to the parade, ok? That should give you enough time to grab it and meet us there."
"YOU GOT IT HONEY!" Jasper said, with a smile on his face, his tail now eagerly wagging.
The fox's antics broke through his wife's annoyed façade, pulling out a smile despite her best attempts to suppress it.
"You've got 8 hours Mr!" she barked, trying her best to remain stern. "Don't waste them!"
Jasper gave his wife a kiss on the lips before sprinting out the door in a flash.
'Eight Hours, no problem!' Jasper thought as he turned to key to his car.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
'One hour, YES PROBLEM' Jasper thought as he sipped a glass whisky, trying his best to come up with a plan.
The fox had been to every toy store within 100 miles, none of them had the toy in stock. Everywhere he went, it was the same: "Sorry Sir, but we've been out for weeks, shipments have stopped." Now he was reduced to boozing in his favorite dive bar, trying his best to delay the inevitable.
"Damn you TurboFox!" Jasper shouted towards the ceiling.
"TurboFox?" a drunken Reindeer said, hiccupping from the end of the bar. "Me and the boys got a whole ARMY of em, HAHAHA."
Abandoning his drinking companions: Mr Daniels and Captain Morgan, Jasper was at the buck's side in the blink of an eye.
"Where!" the vulpine said, only receiving silence from the swaying cervine. "WHERE!" he continued, now shaking the inebriated deer, desperately trying to rouse him from his stupor.
"Oooooh, its"…HICUP…"its at the warehouse…Boss said we'd make a killing this year."
"What's the address? I'll pay you anything!"
"Hahahaha" the buck burst out laughing. "That's the idea son, we're gonna make a fortune when we ship them from…" the reindeer collapsed face-first onto the bar, finally passing out amongst his many discarded beer bottles.
"NOOOO!" screamed Jasper, as he desperately tried to rouse the buck. "Wake up you bastard, tell me where they are. WAKE UP!"
Drawing upon his years as a former intelligence operative, the vulpine quicky relieved the cervine of his wristcom and dug through it. Sure the snooping was a misdemeanor, but he had to save Christmas damn-it!
"334 South Parkington Lane, Industrial District" he mumbled to himself before tossing the wristcom back on the bar. "Thanks Dasher!" he mocked to the unconscious reindeer before tearing out the door.
Not 10 minutes later, Jasper pulled his car up to the warehouse, the gigantic building casting a long shadow over his comparatively miniscule vehicle. Exiting the vehicle, he strolled up towards the building's entrance, seeing a mean-looking group working the door.
'OK Jasper' the ashen vulpine thought. 'Just gotta play it cool'
"Hey guys! How's it going?" ….. 'smooth as silk' he thought with satisfaction.
"Who the hell are you?!" an arctic tern demanded, the avian's white feathers ruffling in frustration.
"Uh…Dasher sent me" Jasper replied. "He said I could find a TurboFox here."
"Dasher?" a white stoat exclaimed, after taking a pull from a beer bottle. "You mean Dancer?"
"Yeah, Dancer, that's his name" the vulpine continued, picking up on the prompt.
"Bullshit" the tern spat. "Dancer wouldn't have blabbed; his lips are tight as a drum! You're not one of us…you're not even an arctic creature, go away!"
Again, Jasper relied on his experience as a spy to play his way through. These fools had already said too much, he just had to play the game.
"Of course I'm an arctic creature" Jasper said, as if it was the most obvious fact in the world. "This is just my summer coat."
"Summer Coat?!" they all shouted in disbelief.
"Yeah, not every arctic animal is white you know"
"He's right" the stoat spoke up, "my lemming cousin is brown!"
"And Sadi, my girlfriend" a white wolf added, joining the conversation "Penguins are Black"
The group at the door soon began an animated discussion on what WAS and WASN'T an arctic animal color. The trio were so enraptured in their debate, that they didn't notice the ashen fox tiptoeing around them before slipping through the door.
After slipping inside the warehouse doors, Jasper was flabbergasted at what he saw: boxes and crates stacked 4-stories-high were strewn about the building. Each of them stuffed with TurboFox action figures. The warehouse was also crawling with arctic animals, though luckily for the vulpine, the frosty gang appeared to be more interested in drinking than guarding their merchandise. Before Jasper could filch one for himself, his attention was drawn to an arctic fox standing tall on one of the boxes, shouting for all to hear.
"My friends! You all know why 'I' love Christmas" the snow fox smarmed, causing the crowd to cheer.
"Tell us Blizzard" a drunken Siberian Salamander asked, raising his beer bottle high.
"It's simply really" the fox said with a toothy grin as he held up a TurboFox doll. "Christmas makes THIS stupid piece of plastic worth 150-credits a pop!" he continued, hearing more cheers.
"These Cornerian dogs are so desperate…they'll pay an arm and a leg just to have it under their tree for their spoiled little brats to open tomorrow morning. Well…let's not disappoint them!" he finished to thunderous laughter. "Hit it boys!" (to the tune of jingle bells)
Dashing through the void
With a haul of stolen loot
Taunting as we go
Hands up or we'll shoot
The snow is turning red
We shot'em in the head
And no one will find out
Cuz the witnesses are dead, HEY
Jingle bells, Slippy smells, Falco laid an egg, the old Great Fox, popped her shocks, and the pirates got away!
As the drunken fools broke out into mirthful celebration, Jasper got sucked into their little song and dance. At first, it was merely to maintain his cover, but the ex-spy had to admit, their enthusiasm was infectious. The lyrics were simple, catchy and fun. Soon, he was singing and dancing amongst them, triumphantly waving a TurboFox doll in the air just like the creatures around him. Unfortunately, the mood was about sour. As the song neared its conclusion, Jasper blew his cover.
"One more time!" he shouted after the chorus ended. The warehouse going silent immediately after, the playful vibe as dead as the ashen fox was about to be.
"Wait a damn MINUTE!" Blizzard shouted, hopping down from box to box towards the floor. "I am the ONLY one who says one-more-time! WHO THE F-CK SAID IT?!"
"It was him!" a terrified arctic wolf wailed, as he and several others pointed at Jasper, each animal desperate to deflect their Boss' wrath away from themselves and onto this interloper.
"Who the hell are you?" Blizzard asked in confusion after seeing the species of his antagonist. "You're not one of us!"
"Sure he is Boss!" a drunken stoat chimed in, Jasper recognizing him as the one who'd been guarding the gate. "That's just his summer coat!"
"Summer coat?!" Blizzard said, slapping his forehead in disbelief. "…its WINTER you idiots! GET HIM!"
Jasper slowly backed away from the now hostile crowd and toward the wall, desperately trying to come up with a plan. Seeing a fuse-box nearby an idea flashed in his head.
"Uh…knock knock" he said, hoping one of them would be inebriated enough to take the bait.
"Who's there?" a random voice replied.
"Lights"
"Lights who?"
"LIGHTS OUT!" Jasper shouted as he smashed the emergency cutoff for the building's electricity. Plunging the interior of the into darkness.
"SHOOT HIM!" someone yelled, causing wild blaster shots and accompanying screams to ring out.
On his belly, Jasper crawled along the wall towards the emergency exit, the TurboFox doll clutched tightly in his right paw. Feeling the door, he burst out into the chilly air, breaking into a frantic sprint for his car.
Back inside, someone had managed to reach the circuit box and restore the lights. Blizzard surveyed the carnage caused by the mysterious grey fox. Dozens of boxes of his precious plastic had been laser-scorched, and several of his men lay moaning on the floor, having been struck by one of the many stray shots.
"After him!" Blizzard shouted as he burst through the door, his motley crew soon following his example. The pirates jumped into their own cars and gave chase, eager for some payback.
For the next 10 minutes, Jasper bobbed and weaved through the industrial district, desperately trying to throw off his pursuers. Often the pirates would crash-out themselves, a high blood-alcohol content not being conducive to highly technical driving, yet more cars would always appear to take their place, never giving him a break.
Taking a wild left-turn, Jasper pulled down an alley lined with garage doors and saw there was no exit for his car. As the pirates boxed him in, Jasper jumped out of the driver's seat and sprinted for a door. Before he could even touch the handle, the door swung open to meet him.
"Where the hell have you been!" an irritated coyote snapped at the flustered tod.
"…I…uh…but…"
"But NOTHING you slacker, you almost made us late! He's over here guys!" the coyote shouted back into the doorway, causing several animals to rush out into the alley. Furthermore, the large garage doors also rolled open revealing hundreds of animals scrambling around parade floats concealed within.
Quick as a flash Jasper was forced into a very familiar superhero costume. The staff locking it into place over his body, the world around him now tinted yellow from his visor.
"Good, you've already got the doll" the coyote said. "Remember, wait until after the fight to give it to some kid on the sidewalk."
"Come again?" Jasper said, finally overcoming his shock.
"He's ready, hoist him up!" the coyote barked, causing the now superhero-fied Jasper to be raised into position on the large winter-wonderland float. Still trying to process what has happening, Jasper saw a familiar face among the candy cane trees and giant cookie decorations.
"Hey…I know you. You're Rooster!" he said, recognizing the bird from his son's tv show.
"And who the hell do you think you are…Santa Paws?" the annoyed bird replied, taking a shot from a flask before hiding it under his costume.
"Alright, get them out of here, we're running behind!" the coyote shouted, causing the float to rumble forward. "Have a great show!"
At the other end of the alley, the pirates watched on in shock. Their quarry had just been deus-ex-machina'd away….the f-ck?
"What now Boss" a snow leopard asked. He was ready to start shooting ,but uncertain if killing 100 people just to get the doll back was worth the heat.
"Come on, I've got an idea".
"Why bother?" an artic hare said. "We've got a gazillion of the stupid things back at the warehouse, what's so important about this one.
"BECAUSE, you moron" Blizzard snarled, causing the lapin to recoil. "The price of that toy is based on its perceived scarcity. If that idiot runs around waving it, then the price will go down. Even a PENNY lower in price will cost us millions, at scale."
His minions silenced; the outlaw chieftain led his men to an area along the planned parade route. It was the same song and dance every year, with minor variations. All he had to do was get to the top floor of that building. Not 10 minutes later, the pirates slammed open the rooftop door, startling the waiting actors.
"Take off your clothes…NOW!" Blizzard demanded, eager to put on their costumes before the float came by.
"Hey, this is our show!" a turkey angrily said. "Our company won the bid for this job, so piss off."
"Peary!" Blizzard said with a snap of his fingers.
A hulking polar bear came to the front of the group, quickly grabbing the turkey by the throat and lifting him off the ground with one beefy arm. His left paw curled into a fist, preparing to smash a hole into the boisterous bird's belly.
"Your clothes please!" Blizzard asked again "or get stuffed!"
"Hey man, you want it, you got it!" the turkey wheezed out, causing the bear to drop him to the ground. The turkey and his friends immediately started stripping, tossing their outfits on the ground before fleeing down the stairs in their skivvies.
Grinning Blizzard hastily started to put on the turkey's costume, they only had minutes before the float arrived. In a flash, the outlaw had assumed the mantle of the sinister Green Gobbler!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Jasper scanned the cheering crowd though his visor. As the float continued on, he desperately looked for his wife and son. If someone had told him this morning that he'd be in this position now, he'd have laughed in their face. Now though…
'Come on, come on, where are you babe' Jasper thought. His wife's large fennec ears were as distinctive as they were sexy. He'd find her, he just had to keep looking.
"Hey, keep waiving pal!" Rooster discreetly said. "They're not paying us to just stand there and gawk!"
Jasper lifted his arm, waving to the crowd on either side of the parade. The children all cheered at being greeted by their TV hero.
"and coming up next we have…TurboFox" the parade announcer called through the speakers.
Hans Ritterman had done the parade highlights for over a decade now. Sitting in the press box, he was practically sleepwalking through his lines, eager to ditch this feel-good BS and get back to his talk show. 'Time for the choreographed fight' he thought.
Right on cue, 4 animals used a zipline to soar from the top of a building over the crowd and land on the large float.
"Oh No!" Hans gasped, with all the emotion of a bored highschooler. "It's TurboFox's arch nemesis…the Green Gobbler, and his evil henchmen, the Lizard Wizard, Black Cat and the Tiny Terrier Terror (or Tripple T for short). They're here to ruin Christmas and…" the host's eyes went wide. "…what the hell?"
What was supposed to be a Turkey, a chameleon, a panther and a diminutive canine, were now portrayed by a white fox, arctic hare, snow leopard and earth-shaking polar bear.
"This just in…has diversity gone too far? Join me tonight on the Hans Ritterman Show to find out."
Ignoring the host's confusion, the fiendish four advanced on Jasper, the grey fox recognizing them from the warehouse.
"Give me the doll" Blizzard demanded, holding out his paw.
"Hey buddy, this AINT the way we rehearsed it!" Rooster accosted the pirate.
"Peary, get rid of him!" Blizzard barked.
Without a word, the polar bear ripped one of the giant cookie decorations from the side of the float, holding it menacingly over his head.
"Put that cookie down!" Rooster anxiously shouted, before being whacked off the side of the float, the wooden cookie smashing into pieces against the poor bird's head. To add insult to injury, as Rooster lay on the ground dazed, dozens of small children ran over and started kicking him. The avian was the tv show's 'comedy relief' in the same manner as the detested BarBar Jinks. An idiot who deserved punishment, but never received any.
"We don't like you Rooster!" they shouted as they beat him, eager to make the bird suffer in a way the show's writers always managed to avoid.
Back on the float Blizzard reiterated his demand, his anger growing at the constant interruptions.
"Last chance TurboFREAK! Give me the doll, or else."
Seeing Jasper hold the toy closer to his body and take a step back, Blizzard sent his men into action.
Frostbite the snow leopard lunged towards the grey vulpine, swinging his claws at Jasper's face.
"TurboFox, use your TurboThrower!" a child shouted from the sidewalk.
Sensing the child's thoughts and meaning, Jasper extended his left arm towards the cat in a leap of faith, shooting a blast of fire into his face. The pyrotechnics team had not cheaped-out, and though Frostbite's costume protected him from the worst of it, the screaming leopard quickly jumped off the float and into a pile of snow on freshly ploughed street to douse the flames.
"YAY!" the children cheered, drowning out the painful screams only someone with 3rd degree burns could give.
"ENOUGH!" Blizzard shouted drawing his blaster.
"Watch out TurboFox, he's got a gobble gun!"
"Gobble what?!" Jasper said in confusion before several wild shots came his way. The fox soon sought cover behind the candy cane trees.
"GET THAT DOLL!" Blizzard yelled, kicking his men towards where Jasper was taking cover.
Tundra the arctic hare was the Blizzard's explosives expert. Though his Lizard Wizard costume concealed it, the rabbit's body was a patchwork of prosthetics due to his occupation being self-taught. Each past lesson, very painful, and very permanent.
'One male, approximately180 lbs, 15 meters away, minimum ballistic protection…' the hare quickly thought, taking in all the variables. In no time at all, Tundra was lobbing explosives towards Jasper. The charges carefully calculated to maximize damage to the target while minimizing the risk to him and his friends. The float was slowly but surely withering under each new blast.
"Good God!" Hans said into the microphone. "I had no idea this year's float would be so violent. Is this what our children are watching after school every day? Join me tonight at 8 for analysis."
"While most of the crowd cheered the 'epic special effects' there was one vixen who saw through the façade.
'Jasper?' she anxiously thought 'what's he gotten himself into this time.' Though she had a million questions, that could wait until after her man was safe from…whatever the hell he'd gotten himself into. She quickly took their son and approached a nearby officer.
"Officer, PLEASE, you have to stop them" she wailed.
Rolling his eyes at the overexcited 'Karen' the cop quickly tried to calm her down. His words interspersed with screams from the carnage around him. His department had been briefed that this year the parade would go all out, and boy were they were right! The acting was top notch, you'd think there actually WAS a life or death struggle up there, causing incalculable collateral damage…if you didn't know better.
"Ma'am, it's just a show" OH MY GOD "these are actors" GAHHH, MY FACE "paid to do a job" CALL AN AMBULANCE "for your entertainment" his sentence was punctuated by one of Tundra's bombs bouncing off the float and destroying a parked vehicle in a fiery blast.
"Pretty cool, huh?!" he said to the vixen, wagging his tail.
Back on the float, Jasper tore a candy cane decoration out of the floor. Using it like a baseball bat, the fox soon sent one of Tundra's bombs back at the rabbit, the resulting explosion knocking the lapin off his feet.
"GAHHH, I can't feel my legs!" Tundra screamed, clutching at his prosthetic limbs, now giving off sparks and oozing hydraulic fluid below the knees.
"You can put yourself back together later" Blizzard snapped. "Peary, your turn!"
Jasper stared down at the hulking polar bear as Peary approached his position, walking up the stairs from the front of the float to the rear. The bear had drawn short-stick, with his costume designed for an animal 600-lbs smaller. Though the 'Tiny Terrier Terror' had full coverage, Peary could only pull the tights up over his hips, and even then, just barely. He may as well have been wearing a speedo.
"Bring it blubber butt!" Jasper taunted. There was no way in hell, he'd be going back to his son empty-pawed.
With a snarl, Peary stuck his paw into his tights, grasping something firm and making Jasper start to sweat. The grey fox dreading what the polar bear would whip out.
'…oh thank God, it's just a knife.' Jasper thought as the bear inexplicably produced a 12-inch blade. How the hell had he been hiding it in there?
Peary took several wild swings at Jasper, forcing the fox to the back of the float, the highest point. From there, it was a 15-foot drop to the ground, there was nowhere left to run. With a wicked smile, Peary readied up a final swing, one that would make them all rich. He was confused when Jasper held up is paw to stop him. The grey fox had sworn that he would never use his Cerinian powers offensively while living on Corneria, to help him assimilate into his new home. Yet now, it was break his oath or die.
"Know Despair!" Jasper shouted at the bear, causing Peary to be overwhelmed with the most terrifying vision imaginable.
"No…NOOO…MAKE IT STOP!" Peary screamed as dark visions swam through his head. He was standing in front of the counter at Ted's, Lylats most popular fast-food restaurant. Yet the menu was morphing before his very eyes. The dollar menu vanished, and in its place was a…2 for $5?...and it was still marketed as a deal?!
"AHHHH!" Peary screamed as he stumbled and fell of the float, smashing in the roof of a parked police cruiser. The car's alarm and sirens were soon drowned out by the thunderous cheers and applause of the crowd: this was the best Christmas parade in years.
Turning away from the edge, Jasper saw Blizzard running towards him.
"Know Despair!" Jasper said again, trying to repeat his telepathic trick. His efforts were rewarded with the snow fox's fist slamming into the side of his head. Blizzard tried to tear the TurboFox doll out of Jasper's paws, but the ashen fox held it in a death grip. Wrestling over the toy, both fell down in a tangled mess.
"So…you're Cerinian huh!" Blizzard said as he tried to pry away the doll. "That won't work on me you bastard! Now fork over the OW OW OW."
Both Jasper and Blizzard shouted in pain as they rolled down many steps of the float, from the raised rear to the lowered front. As they neared the front edge, Jasper's luck finally gave out as he was the one to roll over the side first. Screaming as he fell away, he smacked the ground hard and lay still.
Up on the float, Blizzard staggered to his feet, raising the TurboFox doll over his head in triumph, laughing maniacally! The crowd around him soon started to BOO the 'Green Gobbler', unwilling to let the villain clinch his victory.
"Your BOO's mean nothing…I'VE SEEN WHAT MAKES YOU CHEER!" Blizzard shouted back, taunting the crowd. Enraged by the Cornerians raining on his (rather painful) parade, the snow fox soon sought to punish the author of all his misery: the toy in his paw. He began destroying the TurboFox doll, ripping off its limps before stomping on it with his gaudy gobbler boots.
"Uhhh, Boss…I think we have a problem."
Hearing Tundra's voice snapped Blizzard out of his toy-induced rage, he quickly looked at the ripped-apart rabbit in confusion. He saw his shipmate holding up a datapad, displaying the market price of the TurboFox doll. The price was falling through the floor!
"What the hell!" Blizzard shrieked, his mountain of marketable gold at the warehouse was now just a mountain of plastic!
"It's all over Spacebook and Flitter!" Tundra whined. "Every parent with a mobile device is complaining about how TurboFox is violent and how they don't want their kids to associate with it! We can't even give those toys away now…they're WORTHLESS!"
His perfect plan…his perfect product…GONE…and he didn't even know the name of that jackass who ruined everything. Overcome with misery, Blizzard cursed the ashen fox using the only identity he knew.
"CURSE YOU TURBOFOOOOOOOOX!" the 'Green Gobbler' howled to the sky as the float slowly creeped away down street.
About 80-meters behind, Jasper was still laying on the ground in pain. His bones and muscles hurt…sure…but what wounded the fox most was the thought that he'd disappointed his wife and son. He hadn't been able to secure the TurboFox for Bobby: he was a failure. Tears started streaking down his muzzle as the fox struggled to hold himself together.
"Jasper!" a familiar voice called out. "Honey, are you ok!"
Jasper looked to his right and saw his wife and son running over to meet him. The ashen fox pushed himself into a sitting position, but kept his head low, unable to meet their gaze.
"Daddy!" little Bobby shouted, wrapping his father in a hug.
Jasper was stunned to see tears running down Bobby's face. Why was his son crying? Jasper was the one who'd ruined their Christmas.
Reaching out with mind, the truth hit Jasper like a freight train. For years now, the Cerinian had struggled to understand his adopted culture and their seemingly materialistic celebrations. Yet now the true meaning of Christmas rang true. Jasper quickly returned Bobby's hug, pulling him close as his wife joined in.
Christmas wasn't something that came from the store. The true meaning of Christmas was something more.
-END
Authors Notes: Well, we're back to comedy now after two rather downer fics. I want to thank Grainbread for letting me use his OC for this writing exercise. Readers familiar with my works may be wondering where Flurry is, well consider this canonically after my Halloween fic. Flurry is still out of commission.
Thanks for reading, don't forget to leave a review!