Disclaimer: Does Harry Potter still belong to J.K. Rowling?
Well, this is a stupid question… interesting but stupid.
CHAPTER 6
By will of the Pike
Chapter summary:
Hermione narrates a lightweight fairy tale about the Pike, who grants wishes.
Ron remembers a wizarding tale about Golden Fish, who also grants wishes.
Harry wonders - what happens when one wish contradicts the other?
"Mione," said Ron, "Why don't you tell us another fairy tale, something like…"
"Honestly, Ron," Hermione interrupted him,
- Last time it was you who chose the tale; and the time before that it was also you.
- Now it's Harry's turn.
"Oh, right," said Ron good-naturedly, "Harry, express your wish and Mione will grant it!"
Harry considered.
"Hermione," he said,
- Your last tale about Anika was pretty gloomy.
- Can we listen to some light story?
- Where the hero has a happy quiet life, without struggles and regular near-death experiences?
Hermione's face lit up with an understanding smile,
- Your wish is about to be granted;
- Here comes another Russian fairy tale.
By will of the Pike
Once upon a time there were three brothers, living together, two of them clever young men and the third, Emelya, a fool.
The two elder brothers were always at work, while Emelya lay on the stove ledge all day long with not a care in the world.
"On the stove? He was lying on a kitchen stove?" Harry asked surprisingly.
"It was a Russian stove," Hermione explained, "a big brick construction."
- It was used for cooking and heating, and people did sleep on top of it, especially in winter.
AN: Oh, sweet memories! Lying on the Russian stove! So warm and cozy! Favorite place of little kids and cats!
One day the two brothers rode away to the city to try their luck at trading.
When leaving they told Emelya,
- Listen, fool, we go to the city; we will buy you red caftan, red hat and red boots.
- And you stay home and do whatever our wives say.
(Both of them were married and Emelya was single.)
"Wait," said Ron, "I thought in old times it was other way around; Men were ordering women what to do?"
"Actually," said Hermione musingly, "It's an interesting point…"
And inwardly she thought, "Stupid, but still interesting."
Harry said, "But he was held in low regard by his brothers. They called him a fool to his face."
"Yeah," nodded Ron sagely, "It explains it."
The fool liked gifts; so, he promised to do anything his sisters-in-law ask.
One winter day it was very cold and the brothers' wives said, "Go and fetch some water, Emelya."
But the fool, lying on the stove ledge, replied, "Why I and not you?"
His sisters-in-law shouted at him, "What? In such cold weather it's man's job to go outside!"
But he said, "I feel lazy."
- Go, Emelya, or your brothers will bring you no presents from the city.
- Oh, all right then.
Down climbed Emelya from the stove, put on his boots and caftan and, taking along two pails and an axe, went to the river.
He cut a hole in the ice with his axe, scooped up two pailfuls of water, put down the pails and bent down to look into the ice-hole.
He looked and he looked and what did he see but a Pike swimming in the water. Out shot his arm, and there was the Pike in his hands.
"What!?" exclaimed Ron.
"Say again," said Harry incredulously, "He caught a fish with his bare hands?"
Hermione shrugged, "That's what the tale says."
Ron and Harry looked at each other, the same idea crossing their minds.
"He would make…" Harry began.
"… a great…" Ron continued.
"… Seeker!" they shouted together.
Hermione huffed and puffed and snorted and muttered something under her breath.
Harry and Ron could hear only random words like "Quidditch" and "boys"… and "Quidditch"… and "crazy"… and "Quidditch"….
Hermione sighed dramatically and, resigned to her fate, proceeded with the tale.
"We will have some fine pike soup for dinner today!" he exclaimed, delighted.
But the Pike suddenly spoke up in a human voice and said, "Let me go, Emelya, and I'll do you a good turn, too, some day."
Emelya only laughed,
- What good turn could you do me? No, I think I'll take you home and tell my sisters-in-law to make some soup. I do so love pike soup.
But the Pike fell to begging him again and said, "Do let me go, Emelya, and I'll do anything you wish."
"All right," Emelya replied, "only first you must prove you aren't trying to fool me."
Said the Pike, "Tell me what you want, Emelya."
"I want my pails to go home all by themselves without spilling a drop of water."
"Very well, Emelya," the Pike said. "Whenever you wish something, you have only to say:
'By will of the Pike,
Do as I like',
and it will all be done at once."
Ron raised his hand and, when Hermione nodded, asked, "Is it not supposed to be only three wishes granted?" and when Hermione looked at him inquisitively, he added sheepishly, "Like in that fairy tale about the goldfish."
Hermione was amazed,
- What, wizards have a tale about a goldfish too?
- What were the three wishes asked?
Smile disappeared from Ron's face and he answered in somber voice,
- That guy asked, as the first wish, to make the girl fall in love with him.
- The second wish was to make her stop loving him.
- And the third wish… well, that girl had a crippled owl with a broken wing.
- So, the guy asked the goldfish to fix that wing. And then the owl flew away.
(Ron did not mention that the second wish caused the girl's death)
AN: I'm posting the full version of that tale as a separate story – "Love, Golden Fish and Owl".
After a short pause Hermione said meditatively, "Interesting… I'd like to read it sometime; it differs from Muggle 'three wishes' tales."
Ron said, "Ginny has a book with this tale. Ask her…"
"OK, thanks," said Hermione, "now… let's get on with Russian tale, shall we?"
And Emelya, nothing loath, said, "By will of the Pike, do as I like! Off you go home, pails, by yourselves!"
And, lo and behold! The pails turned and marched up the hill. Emelya put the Pike back into the ice-hole and himself walked after his pails.
On went the pails along the village street, and the villagers stood round and marveled while Emelya followed the pails, chuckling.
The pails marched straight into Emelya's hut and jumped up on the bench, and Emelya climbed up on to the stove ledge again.
A long time passed by and a little time, and his sisters-in-law said to Emelya,
- Why are you lying there, Emelya? Go and chop us some wood.
"Why I and not you?" Emelya replied.
"What?" shouted his sisters-in-law, "It's winter; Without firewood you yourself will freeze!"
But the fool said, "I feel lazy."
- If you don't do what we say, we will tell our husbands to give you neither red caftan, nor red hat nor red boots.
"Why he wants all his clothes red?" asked Harry, "Is there some special meaning in this?"
Hermione considered, "Hmmm, maybe red clothes were customarily worn on Holidays?"
(Yes, it is so; also the Russian word for "red" has another archaic meaning - "beautiful" / "splendid")
Emelya was loath to leave the stove ledge. He remembered the Pike and said under his breath,
- By will of the Pike, do as I like! Go and chop some wood, axe, and you, wood, come inside the house and jump into the stove.
And lo! The axe leapt out from under the bench and into the yard and began to chop the wood, and the logs filed into the hut all by themselves and jumped into the stove.
A long time passed by and a little time, and his sisters-in-law said to Emelya,
- We have no more wood, Emelya. Go to the forest and cut some.
And Emelya, lolling on the stove, replied, "Why I and not you?"
"We?" the women said. "Surely it's man's job to go to the forest for wood."
But the fool yawned widely and said, "I feel lazy."
"Lazy?" said his sisters-in-law, "You yourself will freeze and, also, our husbands won't give you any gifts."
There was no help for it, so Emelya climbed down from the stove and put on his boots and caftan.
He took a length of rope and an axe, came out into the yard and, getting into the sledge, cried,
- Open the gates, women!
And his sisters-in-law said to him,
- What are you doing in the sledge, fool? You haven't harnessed the horse yet.
"I can do without the horse," Emelya replied.
His sisters-in-law opened the gate and Emelya said under his breath,
- By will of the Pike; do as I like! Off you go to the forest, sledge!
And, lo and behold!
The sledge whizzed out through the gate so quickly that one could scarcely have caught up with it even on horseback.
Hermione stopped and her face acquired expression which her friends long ago learned to associate with some new idea coming to her head.
"Hmmm, well… maybe, maybe…" she muttered,
"Yes, Mione," Ron prompted cautiously.
"Oh, it's really nothing," said Hermione, "I've just thought Muggles could get this particular idea from watching wizarding carriages, pulled by thestrals, invisible to them…"
"Yeah, interesting idea," said Ron.
"Very interesting," Harry agreed.
Inwardly they both thought, "Stupid but interesting."
Now the way to the forest lay through a town, and the sledge knocked down many people.
The townsfolk cried, "Hold him! Catch him!" But Emelya paid no heed and only urged the sledge on to go the faster.
He came to the forest, stopped the sledge and said,
- By will of the Pike, do as I like! Cut some dry wood, axe, and you, firewood pieces, climb into the sledge and bind yourselves together.
And, lo and behold!
The axe began to hack and split the dry wood, and the pieces dropped into the sledge one by one and bound themselves together.
Emelya then ordered the axe to cut him a cudgel, so heavy that one could scarcely lift it. He got up on top of his load and said,
- By will of the Pike, do as I like! Off you go home, sledge!
And the sledge drove off very fast indeed.
Emelya again passed through the town where he had knocked down so many people, and there they were all ready and waiting for him.
They seized him, pulled him out of the sledge and began to curse and to beat him.
Harry raised his hand and, when Hermione nodded, asked,
- Why did he ride back the same way?
- Didn't he realize that a good beating awaited him there?
- Why did not he ask the Pike to bring him home instantly; like, you know, by apparition?
"A very good question," said Hermione (which, of course means that she did think about it and had a good answer ready),
- He was, at that point, truly a fool and without a grain of imagination.
- He just did not think ahead.
- And all his wishes were about how to do ordinary men's work without making any effort.
Seeing that he was in a bad plight, Emelya said under his breath,
- By will of the Pike, do as I like! Come, cudgel, give them a good thrashing!
And the cudgel sprang up and laid to, right and left.
The townsfolk took to their heels and Emelya went home and climbed up on the stove again.
A long time passed by and a little time, and the Tsar heard of Emelya's doings and sent one of his officers to find him and bring him to the palace.
The officer came to Emelya's village, entered his hut and asked him,
- Are you Emelya the Fool?
And Emelya replied from the stove ledge,
- What if I am?
- Dress quickly and I shall take you to the Tsar's palace.
"And why should I go there?" Emelya said.
The officer flew into a temper and struck Emelya on the cheek. And Emelya said under his breath,
- By will of the Pike, do as I like! Come, cudgel, give him a good thrashing.
And out the cudgel jumped and beat the officer so that it was all he could do to drag himself back to the palace.
The Tsar was much surprised to learn that his officer had not been able to get the better of Emelya and he sent for the smartest of his nobles.
"Find Emelya and bring him to my palace or I'll have your head chopped off," he said.
The noble came to Emelya's village and summoned his sisters-in-law.
"What does the fool like and what does he not like?" he asked.
"Our fool," they answered,
- likes gifts and does not like those who are rude to him.
- If you ask him persistently for something, he will refuse once and twice, but the third time he will not refuse and will do it.
Then the noble bought a store of raisins and prunes and honey cakes.
Then he came into the hut, went up to the stove and said,
- Please, Emelya, why do you lie on the stove ledge? Come with me to the Tsar's palace.
And he gave him the sweets.
"I'm well enough where I am," Emelya replied, "Stove is warm, outside is cold."
- Ah, Emelya, the Tsar will feast you on sweetmeats and wines. Do let us go to the palace.
But the fool said, "I feel lazy."
Hermione stopped, yawned widely and said in a tired voice,
- Could we take a break and finish the story tomorrow?
- I feel la-a-a-azy…
And then, looking at the shocked faces of Ron and Harry, she said with a laugh, "Just pulling your legs, kids!"
- Please, Emelya, let's go, the Tsar will give you a fine red caftan, nice red hat and warm red boots.
Emelya thought for a while and then he said,
- Very well, then, I shall come. Only you must go on alone and I shall follow by and by.
The noble rode away and Emelya lay on the stove a while longer and then said,
- By will of the Pike, do as I like! Off you go to the Tsar's palace, stove!
And lo!
The corners of the hut began to crack, the roof swayed, a wall crashed down and the stove whipped off all by itself into the street and down the road and made straight for the Tsar's palace.
The Tsar looked out of the window and marveled.
"What is that?" he asked.
And the noble replied,
- That is Emelya riding on his stove to your palace.
The Tsar stepped out on his porch and said,
- I have had many complaints about you, Emelya. It seems you have knocked down many people.
"Not my fault. Why did they get in the way of my sledge?" said Emelya.
Now, the Tsar's daughter Tsarevna Marya was looking out of the palace window just then, and when Emelya saw her, he said under his breath,
- By will of the Pike, do as I like! Let the Tsar's daughter fall in love with me.
Hermione stopped and asked Ron,
- Sorry, Ron, I am just curious,
- In that tale you mentioned – was it the same?
- The guy saw the girl for the first time and immediately asked the goldfish to make her to fall in love with him?
"No," said Ron, "he already loved her for ages when he got the goldfish."
"Either way," said Harry, "It's horrible; it's like love potion."
"Actually, it's worse," remarked Hermione, "What love potions create is not love; it is a temporary infatuation, purely ahm…" she looked aside, searching for the right word, "… platonic."
AN: This explains why love potions are tolerated in wizarding word.
"Wait," said Harry, "remember, Voldemort's mom used love potion on that Riddle guy and they… you know what…"
Hermione shrugged, "It means that that Riddle guy would not object in the first place to doing, as you eloquently formulated 'you know what' with the girl."
(At this point Ron realized why his feelings towards Romilda Vane were so pure and innocent, despite being under love potion's influence.)
Hermione resumed the story,
And he added,
- Go home, stove!
The stove turned and made straight for Emelya's village.
It whisked into the hut and went back to its place, and Emelya lay on the stove ledge as before.
Meanwhile, there were tears and wails in the palace.
Tsarevna Marya was crying her eyes out for Emelya.
She told her father she could not live without him and begged him to let her marry Emelya.
The Tsar was much troubled and grieved and he said to his smartest noble,
- Go and bring Emelya here, dead or alive. Do not fail, or I'll have your head chopped off.
The noble bought many kinds of dainties and sweet wines and set off for Emelya's village again.
He entered the selfsame hut and he began to feast Emelya royally.
Emelya had his fill of the good food and the wine, and his head swimming, lay down and fell asleep.
And the noble put the sleeping Emelya into his carriage and rode off with him to the Tsar's palace.
The Tsar at once ordered a large barrel bound with iron hoops to be brought in.
Emelya and Tsarevna Marya were placed into it and the barrel was tarred and cast into the sea.
"That's cruel," said Harry, "and outrageous".
"And stupid," said Ron, "And irresponsible. A king does need a live heir or heiress."
"In real life," said Hermione, "it would be. But it's just a fairy tale and the king there is just a stock character. Here he acts as a petty tyrant and his actions are advancing the plot."
A long time passed by and a little time, and Emelya awoke. Finding himself in darkness and closely confined, he said,
- Where am I?
And Tsarevna Marya replied,
- Sad and dreary is our lot, Emelya my love! They have put us in a tarred barrel and cast us into the blue sea.
"And who are you?" the fool asked.
- I am Tsarevna Marya.
And then she asked him to free them both from the barrel.
But he said, "I'm well enough where I am; It's warm here."
"Now," said Harry, "this is beyond stupidity."
- He is content with staying in the sealed barrel because he is too lazy to just say the 'By will of Pike' mantra?
Hermione shrugged, "Apparently, yes. Again, this is a fairy tale told for entertainment."
Ron suddenly snapped his fingers,
- I've got it! For him it became the matter of principle – never to do what is asked the first time, nor the second time, but only the third time.
Hermione chuckled.
(She recalled a famous Russian short story where the main character declares (speaking about vodka), "I never eat after the first glass" and later adds "I don't eat after the second glass either")
AN: "Fate of a man" by Mikhail Sholokhov.
Tsarevna asked him again, "Please, Emelya, have pity on my tears; free me and yourself from this barrel."
"But I feel lazy," said Emelya.
Tsarevna asked him the third time, "I beg you, Emelya, free me from the barrel, don't let me die."
The fool was touched by her tears and said, "Very well, I will do it for you."
And then he said under his breath,
- By will of the Pike, do as I like! Come, o wild winds, cast the barrel on to the dry shore and let it rest on the yellow sand!
And, lo and behold!
The wild winds began to blow, the sea became troubled and the barrel was cast on to the dry shore and it came to rest on the yellow sand.
Out stepped Emelya and Tsarevna Marya, and Tsarevna Marya said,
- Where are we going to live, Emelya my love? Do build us a hut of some kind.
But the fool said, "You're asking for too much."
But by that time Tsarevna had already realized that he can make happen anything he wants; so she asked him again.
But the fool said, "I feel lazy."
Then she asked him the third time and at last he said,
- By will of the Pike, do as I like!
- Let a palace better than the Tsar's appear on this very spot.
- And let there be various servants in the palace.
And no sooner were the words out of his mouth than a huge palace rose up before them.
Tsarevna Marya and Emelya came into the palace.
And many good-looking servants approached the fool and spoke clever words asking him what he would deign to command.
As the fool saw that among them he was the only one who was stupid and not good-looking, he said,
- By will of the Pike, do as I like!
- Change me into a tall and handsome man.
- And make me smart as well.
And lo!
Emelya turned into a youth as fair as the sky at dawn, the handsomest youth that ever was born.
And he became so wise that everybody was surprised.
"By the way," said Hermione, "This is the only fairy tale (as far as I know) where the hero becomes smart by magical means."
AN: Me too. Dear reader if you know any other such folk tale, please let me know.
(Only gaining intelligence through magic counts; if, for example, the hero becomes smart by learning life's hard lessons it doesn't count)
Now about that time the Tsar went hunting and he saw a palace where one had never been seen before.
"What dolt has dared to build a palace on my ground?" he asked, and he sent his messengers to learn who the culprit was.
The Tsar's messengers ran to the palace, stood under the window and called to Emelya, asking him to tell them who he was.
"Tell the Tsar to come and visit me, and he shall hear from my very lips who I am," Emelya replied.
The Tsar did as Emelya bade, and Emelya met him at the palace gate, led him into the palace, seated him at his table and feasted him royally.
The Tsar ate and drank and marveled.
"Who are you, my good fellow?" he asked at last.
"Do you remember Emelya the Fool who came to visit you on top of a stove?" Emelya said.
- Do you remember how you had him put in a tarred barrel together with your daughter Tsarevna Marya and cast into the sea?
- Well, I am that same Emelya. If I choose, I can lay waste to your whole tsardom and level it with the ground.
The Tsar was very frightened and he begged Emelya to forgive him.
"You can have my daughter in marriage and you can have my tsardom, too, only spare me, Emelya," said he.
Then such a grand feast was held as the world had never seen.
Emelya married Tsarevna Marya and began to rule the realm and they both lived happily ever after.
But, as he was now very wise, he let the Tsar keep his own tsardom.
(If you want to live in peace with your wife, don't humiliate her father.)
The last remark (inside the parentheses) was not actually part of the tale; the brightest witch of her age made it up, but it does convey the truth, doesn't it?
And that is my faithful tale's end, while he who listened is my own true friend.
"You know what," Harry said slowly, "I've just thought,"
- What if there were a Pike who grants wishes, but also a Golden Fish who also grants wishes.
- An what if their masters ask for contradicting wishes?
- Who would win?
Hermione said thoughtfully, "This is an interesting question..." and then clarified, "Stupid, but interesting."
"And simple," added Ron jokingly, "Golden Fish has gold-colored scales and therefore is a Gryffindor. Pike has silver-colored scales – so, it is a Slytherin, We, Gryffs, win!"
Later, during the Battle of Hogwarts…
The special session of fishy-wishy resolvishy was held at the bottom of the Great Lake.
"Your Honor," the ghost-like embodiment of the Dark Lord addressed the Supreme Arbiter aka the Giant Squid,
- The case is very simple.
- My first request to the Magic Pike was to make me undefeatable.
- Now, as I understand, apparently some enemy of mine made his own wish to defeat me,
- But!
- I also made a second request and it was that my first request cannot be nullified by any other magical promise by any magical creature – fish or otherwise!
- Even if the said enemy made a similar request – mine should prevail because I am the most powerful wizard alive.
"It's all good and well," said the Giant Squid, "but let the other side present his arguments."
The ghost-like embodiment of Severus Snape materialized and stepped forward.
"So, it's you, Severus," said Voldemort, "I was right to never trust you completely. But no matter, surely you won't pretend that your magic is stronger than mine?"
"Your Honor," said Snape, "let me recite three wishes, granted to me by the Golden Fish."
- First – that Harry Potter would defeat Voldemort.
- Second – that my first wish cannot be invalidated by any other magical promise.
- And the third – that literal, word-to-word repetition of my second wish does not count as new wish.
Voldemort frowned, trying to make out the implications of the third wish.
"Let me present," Snape continued, "this little muggle device, called cassette audio player."
He pressed the button.
And his voice came from the player, saying the same words again and again,
- Let my first wish be not invalidated by any other magical promise.
- Let my first wish be not invalidated by any other magical…
- Let my first wish be not invalidated…
And so on.
And each repetition made the magic behind it more and more powerful.
Voldemort was magically stronger than Snape, but not infinitely stronger.
- Let my first wish be not…
- Let my first wish…
- Let my first…
And when the breaking point was reached – lo and behold!
Voldemort's phantom dissipated.
Snape's apparition condensed and, with his trademark smirk, swam away... to 'Next Great Adventure'.
At that very moment up in the Great Hall Voldemort's dead (completely dead, finally dead, unresurrectable) body fell down, slain by his own curse.
Stupid but interesting question,
- Why Voldemort didn't just ask the Pike to kill Harry… and Dumbledore… and all other Gryffindors for good measure…?
Boring but intelligent answer,
- Where would be fun in that?
So, dear reader, why don't you write a review?
Surely you don't feel lazy?
AFTERWORD / CREDITS
This tale ("По щучьему веленью") is one of the best-known and most-beloved by Russian-speaking children.
Probably because it stands contrary to such boring virtues as politeness, being hard-working, etc.
By the way, the name of the hero 'Emelya' (diminutive of 'Yemelyan') originates from Latin name 'Emilianus', meaning 'hard-working'.
It may be a hidden sarcasm or just a coincidence.