A/N: HELLOOOO EVERYONE. I am SO sorry about my absence again. Between medical issues, dental issues, medication changes, and career changes, it's been one hell of a ride. (mostly the medication, I couldn't look at a group of words and process them for SHIT for a while). All of the changes happened pretty suddenly, and now my fiance and I are facing a cross-country move in just a couple of months. I like to make sure I write when I can really put my heart in it, otherwise I think the quality suffers. Throughout these life changes I promise to be around as often as I can manage. I want to make sure that what I post is good quality and that I can put my heart into it, as I do care a LOT about this story. I have no idea how often I'll be able to write honestly, but just know that I WILL NOT ABANDON THIS FIC! I appreciate the patience and grace that you guys have given me, and I promise to never take that for granted. I have no intentions of jumping ship.
Anyways, TW FOR SLIGHT EMETOPHOBIA IN THIS CHAPTER (mostly just in the beginning)
Chapter Seventeen - Rest and Repair
The vomit burns like acid as it floods Quinn's nostrils, dripping out in a grotesque line of snot. An involuntary gasp causes her to aspirate, sputtering and coughing as webs of bile infused mucus hit the back of her throat. She can practically feel the blood vessels in her face bursting with every agonizing heave of her stomach, a never-ending symphony of gags and heaves pouring from her mouth.
All she can do is clutch her abdomen with desperation and pray for the nausea to pass, suppressing her whines of discomfort deep inside a metal bucket.
'They're getting worse.'
Quinn leans back on her heels and stares down at the vomit-ridden bucket, overwhelmed with a wave of shame and disgust.
She needs to clean this up. She needs to get up on her feet, take this out of her room, and dispose of it.
Her tired eyes start to scan the rest of the room, puffed up and swollen. She glances over the horrific mess that litters her desk — papers, trash, cups, bowls, everything and anything that could possibly accumulate during two months of neglect.
She shifts her attention down to the mountain of clothing a couple of feet away, piles of fabric soiled with dirt and sweat and who knows what else.
She can't remember how long it's been since she's done laundry. Three weeks? A month?
Discarded next to Quinn's clothes is a jumbled mess of leather straps and belts.
Just the thought of putting her gear on feels exhausting.
'You just have to get dressed.'
Quinn discards the bucket of vomit to the side, pulling herself to her feet as best as she can. Once she's upright, she leans her face into one of her armpits and smells.
'Nothing noticeable. Good enough.'
The belts to Quinn's uniform fight her with no mercy. They feel like they weigh thousands of pounds as she desperately tries to secure them around her legs. When she finally finishes getting dressed, it feels like her energy for the day has already depleted.
'You just have to make it out the door.'
The door to her room looks far too intimidating.
She forces herself out of it anyway.
As she walks down the hall, Quinn rubs two fingers against the bags under her eyes in a desperate attempt to ease the swelling. Her skin is tender and raw, still damp with sweat from her endless bouts of vomiting.
Having not looked in a mirror for at least a week now, Quinn can only hope she doesn't look as shitty as she feels. No one has said anything about her appearance so far — that was a good sign. A couple of concerned looks was no big deal. Everyone is exhausted right now, after all.
The small crowd in the mess hall looks more like a vast sea of people threatening to pull her down and drown her. The distance between her and her usual table feels immeasurably long.
'You just have to walk over and sit down.'
Nanaba and Gelgar are sitting at a table further back, alongside a couple of new faces Quinn doesn't recognize.
'Oh boy. Okay, happy faces.'
'Keep it together.'
It feels like pulling teeth just trying to add an upwards quirk to the corners of her mouth.
"Hey, Quinn." Nanaba greets her with a half-smile. Quinn does her best to return the favor, opting to sit to the side of the blonde, further away from everyone else. The conversation plays out in fragments, with Quinn's attention automatically tuning in and out with every important piece of information. As it turns out, the two strangers are the newest additions to her squad — a woman named Lynne, and a man named Josiah. They were both highly esteemed soldiers that had transferred from the Garrison regiment voluntarily, being former residents of Wall Maria. They seemed nice enough, though Quinn didn't care to interact with them much. She opted instead to stare down at the table, tapping her fingers absentmindedly on the vacant surface in front of her.
She'd given up on trying to stomach her morning tea a long time ago.
'You just have to get through breakfast.'
Quinn has a full day ahead of her, the first thing on her list being showing some of the new recruits around base. Highly performative, and extremely exhausting. She has no idea how she's going to get through it, but she's felt like that a lot lately. The only small upside is that it'll keep her busy.
Existence doesn't feel quite as difficult if she can keep her mind distracted.
She just has to remember to keep on a brave face.
Breakfast ends far too soon. The idea of standing up sounds just as difficult as it was sitting down.
'You just have to make it outside.'
One step at a time.
One foot in front of the other.
'Keep it together.'
She tries her best to straighten out her thoughts as she makes her way towards the main exit, keeping her head low as she starts to rub her exhausted eyes once again. It does nothing to ease the ache festering just beneath the surface, lack of sleep permeating the inside of her brain.
As Quinn rounds another corner, she feels herself collide with another body, the impact jamming one of her knuckles against her eye socket. Still rubbing the tender surface, Quinn glances up to address the person she'd run into, and freezes.
Oh no.
Not him.
It must've been close to two weeks at that point since she'd last talked to Levi face to face, and even longer since they'd had a conversation that had any actual sustenance to it. Quinn hated to admit it, but she was trying her hardest to avoid him.
She just couldn't handle the thought of being around him while feeling like such a mess of herself.
At first, she starts to scramble for an apology, but her efforts are cut short when she notices the look on Levi's face.
He looks horrified.
An all-consuming wave of embarrassment washes over her, hands balling into fists at her side as she starts to clam up. She wants to ask him what's wrong, what the hell he's looking at, but instead finds herself fleeing the scene before she can stop herself.
Levi doesn't chase after her.
*︎**
"Hange."
Levi probably sounds a lot more aggressive than he means it to, but he can barely contain himself as he barges into Hange's workshop. He finds them slumped over on their desk, half asleep and glasses disheveled. They're jostled awake the moment Levi slams the door shut.
"Wh— huh— Levi?" Hange grunts as they straighten up in their seat. "What's up?"
"Don't 'what's up' me. What the hell have you been doing this past week?"
Hange sighs as they start to straighten out the pile of papers they'd been using as a pillow. "What, besides working my tail off? Not much."
"That much is obvious." Levi growls out. "I thought you said you were going to look after her."
"Who, Quinn?" Hange asks with genuine confusion. "I thought you said you were gonna talk to her. Why don't you ask her?"
"Because she looked like she was falling the fuck apart." Levi hisses as he approaches their desk, slapping both hands on the wooden surface. "What the hell happened?"
Hange takes a moment to adjust their glasses. "I told you I was worried about her, Levi. She's been declining for a while now."
"That's way more than declining. She looked like she could barely keep herself upright. Why the hell haven't you done something?"
Hange scoffs several times in disbelief. "Me? I try talking to her every single day! That's a lot more than you've done, which is rich considering you're the one that's been head over heels—"
"Don't you dare."
Levi's aggressive tone makes Hange shrink down a bit. "Look, I've been trying my best here, okay? I try to get her to talk to me, but she just won't slow down. She dodges every question and runs away the first chance she gets." Hange sighs and slumps down in their chair. "It sucks, but sometimes you just can't force someone to accept help if they don't want it."
"Bullshit." Levi retorts with a finger in Hange's face. "That's absolute bullshit, and I'll prove it right now, damn it."
He storms out of the room just as fast as he had come in.
*︎**
"And those trees over there mark the entrance to the ODM course." Quinn gestures vaguely in the direction of the forest as she continues to lead the group of Garrison soldiers through their tour. It's been less than an hour since she'd had her little run in with Levi, and despite the active responsibilities on her hands, she can't stop him from lingering in the back of her mind.
She can't shake the look he gave her. It was an expression Quinn had never seen on him before.
He looked disgusted at the very sight of her.
Just the thought makes Quinn's stomach tie in knots, every part of her screaming to run away and hide in her filthy sanctuary. She wants now more than ever to lock herself in her room and bury herself in a pit of blankets and pillows.
But she can't.
She needs to keep going.
'You just have to make it through the tour.'
Every single step of her day feels like an impossible task. All of Quinn's energy was spent on the absolute bare minimum. There were certain tasks she couldn't afford to neglect.
It feels like forever before Quinn finds herself finally approaching the edge of the main grounds, still yearning for the relief of retreating indoors. She turns to address the group of new recruits, but pauses when she catches sight of a figure approaching from the side – fast.
It's Levi.
He looks pissed, marching straight towards her with an icy glare. Quinn can already feel herself freezing up in place.
"Levi, what're you—"
Before she can get a full sentence out, Levi snatches her up and secures her under his arm, taking off straight into the forest.
"What the hell, Levi?!" Quinn screams as squirms. "Put me down! I don't have my gear!"
Levi ignores her completely, traveling deep into the forest before coming to a stop in a small clearing. Quinn stumbles to her feet as she takes a few steps away from him. "What is wrong with you?"
"Oh no, you don't get to ask me that." Levi retorts, taking a couple steps closer to her. "You're going to tell me what's wrong with you. Right here, right now."
Quinn retreats even further, already raising up her hands in defense. "I don't know what you're–"
"Don't give me that. You know exactly what I'm talking about. You've been blowing everyone off for weeks now. You either lock yourself up in your room or run away every time somebody tries to talk to you." Levi pauses and gestures to the forest around them. "Well, now you can't do either. So talk."
Suddenly Quinn realizes just how trapped she really is. She's way too far from headquarters to make it back on foot – especially since Levi has his gear with him. She probably wouldn't make it more than two steps before he'd catch her.
And she needs to keep him as far back as physically possible.
"Listen, Levi, I'm sorry that I've been distant. I didn't mean to make you think–"
Levi closes the gap between them in an instant, grabbing onto the collar of Quinn's shirt and yanking her face close to his. "I don't need an apology, damn it. I need you to talk to me."
Quinn recoils and cranes her head to the side as far as she can before she dares to open her mouth.
She can't remember the last time she's brushed her teeth.
"Let me go, first. There's no chance in hell I'm gonna talk to you until you let go."
There's a moment of hesitation before Levi releases his hold on Quinn's shirt, allowing her to take a couple steps back.
"Alright. Start talking."
Quinn begrudgingly straightens out her collar and gives Levi a sideways glare. "I don't see why you care so much. You're the one who said I need to be more 'rational'."
"I didn't mean here, damn it. I meant out on the field."
"You were the one who told me to do better. You were the one who accused me of losing my mind."
Levi scoffs at her sarcastic remark. "You have already lost your goddamn mind, Quinn! Look at yourself! You haven't been sleeping, your clothes are filthy, and it looks like you've had your hair tied in that same ponytail, three days straight?"
The all too familiar sense of shame returns, weighing heavily in Quinn's stomach. One of her hands absentmindedly reaches up and brushes against the tangled mess of hair kissing the middle of her shoulders. Her voice drops, soft and meager. "I can't get a brush through it."
"You can't just shut everything out, Quinn. You're losing it–"
"I am not losing it!"
The outburst comes without warning, Quinn's volume raising to a loud shout. Her eyes sting horribly as her vision starts to blur with tears.
'Please don't do this. Not here. Not in front of him.'
"I'm no– I'm not–"
A broken sob breaks out of Quinn's throat, cutting her words short. She clamps one of her hands over her mouth, but it does nothing to suppress whimpers pouring out of her.
It's unavoidable.
A spiral of dread and grief that floods her entire body, its only means of escaping in the tears streaming down her face. Quinn barely manages to turn away from Levi as she falls to her knees, both of her hands pressing into her face. It just won't stop.
She doesn't have the energy to stop it anymore.
"Damn it, Levi. Is this– is this what you want?!" she exclaims in between sobs. "You give me that whole s— speech about doing better and being better and now you just want me to break down?!"
Quinn is so consumed by her own sorrow that she doesn't even notice Levi approaching her, not until he's kneeling down and pulling her forward into his arms. "Yes."
There's a moment of surprise before the realization sets in. The softness, the warmth, the comfort. Her body relaxes into the hug as she surrenders herself completely, muffling her defeated cries in the collar of Levi's cloak as she clings onto him like he was the only thing still holding her together.
"It's all gone. Everything is gone. My home, my family, Tilly — everything I love is disappearing and I can't do a damn thing to stop it." she whimpers into his cloak.
Levi's hug gets even tighter, his cheek pressing into the side of her head. He doesn't seem to mind the filth-ridden state she's in. Not one bit. "I'm sorry."
He doesn't say anything else, just continues to hold her as she sobs helplessly in his arms. One of his hands starts to rub up and down her back in comfort.
It's the first time he's ever hugged her before. He feels so overwhelmingly safe, warm, familiar. Quinn can't help herself from burying her face into his neck and breathing him in. "I've missed you."
Quinn feels Levi let out a slow exhale, his hold on her tightening even further. "I've… missed you, too. That's why I'm here, you idiot."
"I'm scared, Levi. I'm so scared. What if it's you next? Or Hange? Or Nanaba? You guys are–" Quinn's voice catches in her throat, her cries threatening to pick up all over again. "You guys are all I have now, and you're liable to disappear at any moment."
Levi's arms finally relax, allowing him to pull back just enough to look her in the eyes. "Hey. There's no good in worrying about all of that shit. I know four-eyes is a liability, but there's a reason they've made it this far without biting the dust. And I'm not going anywhere, alright? You know that."
Quinn sniffles and nods, reaching up and wiping one of her eyes with the rough leather of her sleeve. Levi reacts by reaching into his own jacket, pulling out a white handkerchief from the inside pocket. At first, Quinn thinks he's going to hand it to her, but he surprises her when he places a gentle hand on her chin, the other rubbing the smooth fabric over her tear-stained cheeks.
His eyes stay on hers the entire time.
"C'mon," Levi insists as he folds the cloth and returns it to his pocket. "Let's get you cleaned up. You'll feel better."
"I–"
"Don't argue."
Quinn clamps her mouth shut and lets Levi ease her up from the ground, clinging onto his back as he flies them both out of the forest.
︎***
"You go wash up, okay?" Levi instructs Quinn once they get back inside, placing his hands on both of her shoulders. "Don't worry about your hair. Just do what you can, then come find me."
She gives him another silent nod.
"Good." Levi turns to walk away, then pauses and glances back at Quinn. "Do you have any clean clothes?"
Quinn stays quiet, letting her shame speak for her.
"I'll find you something." he insists with a wave of his hand. "Just go. I'll leave it outside the bathroom door."
There's a sense of warmth spreading across Quinn's face that she hasn't felt in a long time.
Is it too soon to hug him again?
"Okay, Levi."
The sweetness that's laced in her voice causes Levi's face to flush a soft pink. He averts his eyes from hers and starts to walk away, one of his hands rubbing the back of his neck. A faint smirk spreads across Quinn's face as she makes her way to the bathroom.
Walking feels… easier, again. Just a little bit. Her feet aren't quite as heavy as before as she makes her way to the shower room.
Part of Quinn was dreading having to look at herself in the mirror, and when she finally does, she realizes it's for a good reason.
She really does look fucking awful.
Her hair is frayed and ratty, with loose strands poking out from every direction. Her skin is ghostly white, stretched over deep set eyes and hollowed out cheeks. Part of that was contributed to the lack of food — everyone was starting to have that look about them. Quinn figured that was why people never commented on her appearance or demeanor. But there were other things that set her apart besides her tangled hair. The eye bags, the flaky skin, the broken blood vessels — all of it accumulated together to make one big mess.
Other people might not have noticed it, but Levi did.
Maybe not at first, but that was really her fault. Quinn did everything she could to keep Levi away from her. But, of course he would say something the moment she let him get close again. Of course he would be the one to say something – to do something.
Something deep inside of Quinn's stomach starts to choke up, her chest flooding with admiration. She knows that Levi wasn't the only one who cared — it was the fact that he just knew. He knew exactly what it would take to crack her wide open, and he knew exactly how to clean up the mess inside.
It made sense. Levi was a professional at cleaning up messes.
It takes a few good minutes of scrubbing for Quinn to feel somewhat clean, rubbing her skin raw and brushing her teeth so vigorously her gums started to bleed. Even with all of that effort, it still feels like there's a layer of dirt that refuses to come off. Quinn can't tell if it's because of her grief, or the rats nest still on her head. She didn't have much luck brushing her hair out dry, and getting it wet only made things worse. Now, Quinn almost resembles a wet stray dog, standing frail and pitiful in an oversized towel.
She cracks the bathroom door just enough to see Levi's silhouette next to it, his back facing her. When he hears the door open, he extends a stack of clothing towards her while staying turned away as much as physically possible.
It's kind of cute really, how respectful Levi tries to be when it comes to personal space. Quinn can't help but huff out a small laugh as she takes the clothing from his hand and shuts the door.
It only takes a couple of seconds for her to realize that the clothes Levi had brought her weren't just some military spares. She's seen him wear this shirt before, a sheer black cotton paired with soft gray pants. They were high quality, with a silk smooth texture replacing the scratchy surface found inside more common articles of clothing.
Levi always was a bit picky about the quality of his clothes.
The shirt is slightly baggy, but the pants fit well, despite being a bit snug around the hips. Quinn looks at herself in the mirror with criticism as she makes a pitiful attempt to straighten up her hair, before sighing and deciding to just wrap it up in a towel.
It isn't gonna get much better than this.
Quinn opens the door once again, this time finding Levi facing towards her. He gestures to the towel on her head with a point of his finger. "Any luck?"
She rubs one of their arms and shifts her eyes to the side. "I… might've made it worse."
"You didn't try to get it wet, did you?"
Quinn grimaces with an embarrassed smile.
"You're hopeless." Levi huffs out. He stops and thinks for a moment before nodding towards the bathroom door. "There was no one else in there, right?"
She shakes her head.
"Good. Go back in there and lock the door. I'll be back."
"I— But what if someone knocks?"
Levi is already pacing down the hallway. "Then tell them to piss off."
Quinn's eyes roll to the back of her head, but she listens, standing awkwardly inside the bathroom until she hears three distinct knocks a few minutes later.
"… Piss off."
"It's me, brat. Let me in."
The door unlocks with a click, allowing Levi to walk in moments later, a towel tucked under his arm. He gestures over to a wooden bench sitting near the line of showers, where Quinn sits down without a word, unwrapping her disaster of hair as Levi sets the towel down next to her.
There's a wide tooth comb tucked in between the fabric, along with a container that Quinn recognizes almost instantly. "Is that hair oil?"
Levi only grunts in response, combing through her hair with gentle hands as he starts to assess the damage. The all too familiar sense of shame returns, Quinn's head dropping just slightly.
Her change in demeanor doesn't go unnoticed.
"My mom used oil in her hair." Levi comments suddenly as he starts to separate Quinn's hair into sections. "That's how I know about it. Her hair got… tangled a lot."
Quinn's chest hiccups at the sudden moment of vulnerability. "Was her hair this crazy too?"
"No," Levi responds as he pulls his first section of hair to the side, reaching for the small container of oil. "Her hair was like mine, actually."
A faint smile spreads across Quinn's face, picturing a faceless woman with long, sleek black hair.
No, she's not faceless. There's a pair of striking gray eyes, and a small but heartwarming smile.
"I bet she was really pretty."
Levi goes completely silent, and for a moment Quinn thinks she might've said something wrong. He speaks up again before she can ask, his next words taking her completely off guard. "She was. She always took good care of herself. Even though we… lived in a brothel."
That sentence stuns her into complete silence
Quinn has no idea what to say. Not because of what Levi said, but because of why he was saying it. Was he trying to match her vulnerability by sharing some of his own?
When she does respond, she keeps her voice soft and gentle. "I bet that was really hard on you guys."
Her surprise only grows when she hears Levi let out something between a snort and a scoff. "Of course that's how you'd respond to that."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
A gentle hand moves to the side of Quinn's face and pulls back a stray piece of hair. "Nothing bad, I promise. Just feels like you're physically incapable of judging anyone sometimes." His voice drops down to a mumble. "Too damn sweet for your own good."
Quinn feels her face flare up with heat.
Did Levi just call her sweet?
A soft smile creeps up on her face, but it's short lived. "You're wrong."
"How?"
Quinn cranes her head back, looking up at Levi with sparkling eyes. "When I first met you, I expected you to despise me after what happened in the Underground. I never could've imagined you'd be so kind to me."
Levi holds her stare in a small moment of appreciation, before rolling his eyes and pushing her head forward again. "Don't give me that." he grumbles as he reaches for the comb. "I wasn't exactly your biggest fan at first."
"Maybe not," Quinn replies with a smile in her voice. "But you still gave me my journal back."
Levi only scoffs in response.
She lets him work in silence for a moment, before a small smirk starts to spread across her face. "So you think I'm sweet?"
"I take it back."
"Nope. You said it. You think I'm sweet."
"I can't hear you past this big ass head of yours." Levi gripes, working gently through the ends of her hair. "Just so you know, this might take a while."
Quinn sighs as she slouches into a more relaxed position. "Can I ask you something?"
"I'm afraid to say yes."
"Why are you helping me so much?"
"Because I want to."
"But—"
"Don't."
Quinn reluctantly bites her tongue, surrendering to Levi's will to drop the subject. She instead starts to lull into the feeling of his hands working through her hair. It's almost intoxicating how good it feels to finally have something brushing gently against her scalp, causing her eyes to flutter shut. Even after working out the last tangle, Levi continues to glide the comb gently, almost as if he was petting a purring cat. It's only when Quinn starts to nod off completely that he finally sets the comb down and nudges her shoulder. "Alright, all finished. C'mon, you need to rest."
A heavy sigh leaves Quinn's lungs as she rubs one of her eyes. "But Miche still needs me to-"
"I'll clear things up with him. You are going to lay down and get some proper sleep."
"What, you're giving me orders now?" Quinn asks with a smirk.
"If that's what it takes."
Despite the laden sarcasm in his voice, Quinn can see the sincerity in Levi's eyes. He's genuinely worried about her.
"Okay, Levi. I'll try."
*︎**
Levi stays right by Quinn's side all the way to her room.
It's a short walk, but it brings her a lot of comfort to know that she isn't alone, even in a small moment like this. Neither of them say a word until they finally approach Quinn's door, with her turning around to face him with a small smile. "Thank you, Levi. For everything."
Levi shakes his head dismissively, averting his eyes to the side. "I said don't–"
"No. Seriously." Quinn interrupts in a firmer tone. "You helped me a lot today. You pulled me out of a really dark place, even though you had to drag me out by force. So you're going to accept my thanks. This time, at least."
A small smirk tugs at the corner of Levi's mouth. "Now who's giving orders?"
"If that's what it takes."
There's a momentary pause as Quinn stands awkwardly in front of her bedroom door, looking at Levi with a sense of confusion. She's just about to dismiss him when the realization finally comes to her.
He's waiting for her to go inside.
She cannot open that door.
Quinn starts to fidget with her hands as she tries to think of a way to dismiss him without revealing that absolute disaster of a room, but Levi is quick to pick up on her hesitation. He glances from her, to the door, then back to her.
"Let me see it."
"Levi, I–" Quinn tries to argue, but she still doesn't have a solid excuse. "I'll take care of it. I'll take care of everything once I–"
"Let me see it."
Shit.
He isn't going to back down from this, no matter how much Quinn wants him to. There's no way in hell Levi is going to let it go – not when it comes to cleanliness. But what would he think if he saw her living in complete filth? What if he started to see her differently once he's seen what she's capable of falling into? Quinn starts to mentally search through her room, trying to think of anything that she would absolutely not want Levi to see, when her mind comes to a halt.
The bucket.
"Fine. But I need to take care of one thing first. Just one."
Levi stays silent, and Quinn takes his passiveness as permission to slip through her door as fast as possible. She re-emerges just moments later, attempting to tuck the bucket at her side as she rushes past him. To her surprise, Levi doesn't try to stop her.
Despite making sure to close the door behind her, when Quinn returns, it's wide open. The fucker had already let himself in.
So much for respecting her privacy.
Quinn storms up to her doorway with a lecture lock and loaded. "Levi, you can't just let yourself in–"
Her mouth snaps shut the moment she catches sight of Levi, holding something up and glaring at her in an accusing manner. A bottle.
"What the fuck is this?"
Quinn starts to scramble as she slams her door shut, approaching Levi with an excuse already spilling out of her mouth. "You went through my drawers? Really, Levi?"
Levi ignores her scolding entirely. "Drinking? Are you fucking serious, Quinn? We have a disaster on our hands and you're drowning your sorrows in liquor?"
"It's not what you think! I swear! I only–" Quinn finds her voice cracking as she tries to force her words out. As desperate as she is, she can't help but stop in her tracks as soon as she notices the disappointment on Levi's face.
Quinn's head drops in shame. "It's only to sleep. I only… I only take a couple sips to sleep. I swear."
"Is this why you had that bucket of puke in here?"
"No!" Quinn's eyes snap back up to him in an instant. "No, I swear. That's not it. It's nightmares. It's just the nightmares. They wake me up and I can't stop it–"
"Alright, alright. I believe you."
Levi's demeanor has softened, but it doesn't stop the tears spilling from the corners of Quinn's eyes.
"You do?"
"Yes, you idiot." Levi sighs as lowers the bottle to his side. "But, starting right fucking now, you're sober. Completely sober. Cut and dry, got it?"
"... But, I don't know how I'm supposed to sleep–"
"We'll figure something out. But it's not gonna be booze. You got that?"
We.
That's his way of saying that she's not alone in this.
Quinn sniffles as she wipes a stray tear from her cheek. "Got it."
Levi goes back to scanning the extent of her room, his eyes coming to rest on her bed. Without saying a word, he starts to gather her mountain of blankets in his arms.
"What're you–?"
"I'm not going to let you sleep in a filthy bed after you just cleaned up. Just be patient. I'll get you some fresh sheets."
No matter how badly Quinn wants to argue, she knows it won't do any good. It never does. She watches shamefully as Levi strips her bed, awkwardly frozen in place even as he comes back to make it. She's never felt so… useless. She hasn't been doted on like this since she was a child. Making her bed, doing her laundry, cleaning her room – she hasn't been this incapable of taking care of herself in years.
She's pathetic.
"Hey."
Levi's voice snaps Quinn out of her trance, looking up at him with somber eyes. He nods his head over to her bed, now lined with fresh white sheets and a single thick blanket.
"It's no bottomless pit, but it'll have to do. Now lay down."
Quinn rubs the side of her arm bashfully before climbing into the bed, wrapping herself up in the surprisingly plush fabric. The first thing she notices is the strong smell of peppermint.
Levi glances back at her, noticing the slight confusion in her eyes. "I use that one in the winter, but I figured you wouldn't mind. Knowing you, you'd probably layer on two or three of those." he grumbles as he pushes his hair back, securing a white cloth on the top of his head.
So this is Levi's blanket.
He's facing away from her now, securing an identical cloth around his face. Quinn brings a section of the blanket to her face and buries her face in it, breathing in the scent.
Yeah, that's him. That's definitely him.
She brings the fabric down from her face before Levi turns around again, his entire face covered aside from his eyes. "Now go to sleep. I'll take care of all of this."
"But–"
"Quinn." Levi continues to insist. "Go to sleep."
Quinn exhales slowly through her nose. "Okay."
She relaxes into the bed as best as she can, but she still isn't sure how Levi expects her to fall asleep with him rummaging around her room like this. Still, she has to admit that the fresh sheets feel incredibly soft on her skin, and the blanket Levi brought her smells amazing, filling her with a warmth that even the thickest wool you could buy would be able to do.
Maybe it is okay for her to rest her eyes.
Just for a minute.
*︎**
Levi would be lying if he said he didn't anticipate this kind of mess. With the state Quinn was in when he found her, it's no wonder she hasn't been taking care of her room, either.
That was perfectly fine with him – he genuinely enjoyed cleaning up messes. There was something about bringing a space to its most pristine form that brought him an odd sense of peace. Plus, it felt good to know that he was helping her.
She always found a way to make him feel like this – to pull the chain even tighter. And yet, it doesn't hurt anymore. It doesn't feel like he's gasping for air, clawing at the metaphorical metal that's wrapped around his neck. It brought him a small sense of clarity, that no matter what he might feel, what he wants most is to take care of her. Fuck, Quinn said it herself – he's one of the few things she has left. It's strange that despite how heavy that responsibility feels, he doesn't mind carrying it. He wants to carry it, as long as it'll make her shoulders feel a bit lighter.
He hasn't felt like this since…
Well, it's been a long time.
The mess wasn't even that bad, honestly. It didn't take him long to dispose of all the trash, take every dish down to the mess hall, and arrange all of her laundry neatly in hamper bags. He'd wash it for her if she wanted, but Quinn might not take too kindly to him handling her more… personal garments.
Plus, he already has an ungodly amount of blankets to worry about.
Then finally, there's Quinn's desk, piled high with discarded papers and stubby pencils. He'd waited until the last second before even touching it, feeling that they would be even more personal than any undergarment could be. And he was right – just not in the way that he'd thought.
The pages are filled with faceless silhouettes. They all had a perfect frame, with impeccable bone structure, and yet none of them had a face. Most of them were left blank, but there are a handful of others with deep, frustrated pencil strokes scribbling out any features that might've been there before.
Levi stacks them up as neatly as he can.
He'll ask her about it later. She has more than enough to worry about right now.
He moves on to scrubbing the wooden surface thoroughly, paying methodical attention to every detail, when a desperate gasp for air snaps him out of his trance. When he turns around, he sees Quinn sitting upright, scratching and wiping away at her face. More specifically, her mouth.
She's already hyperventilating, letting out panicked gasps and grunts as she scrambles to the side of the bed. Levi notices the involuntary gagging almost instantly and rushes to her side, kneeling down and grabbing both of her shoulders.
With any luck, he can pull her out of it before she actually throws up.
"Hey. Hey." Levi stresses as rips the rag off of his face, moving one hand up to her chin and directing her attention to his face. "Quinn, look at me – it's okay. It's just a dream."
It takes a moment for her eyes to focus on him, slowly coming back to reality. "Levi?" she gasps out.
"Yeah, it's me." he reassures her as he brings his other hand to the side of her face. "I'm here. You're here. You're safe."
She lets out a sigh of relief as Levi hesitantly releases her, giving Quinn a chance to catch her breath. One of her hands is still wiping relentlessly at her mouth.
"Talk to me." Levi insists, crouched down at eye level as she balances herself on the edge of her bed.
"I-I'm sorry." Quinn sighs as she lowers her hand. "I thought maybe this time it would be different."
"Is it the same nightmare every time?"
She nods reluctantly.
"Tell me about it."
Quinn winces at his request, shifting her eyes to the side. "It's… bad."
"I don't care." Levi sighs as he places both hands on her shoulders, softer this time. "It's not like it's gonna scare me away. Just talk to me."
She's still reluctant, but Levi can see her eyes start to soften.
"I don't know how to describe it. I never remember anything besides the taste of blood. So much blood." She pauses and swallows heavily. "And… flesh. In my mouth. I can feel it – I can feel it slide down my throat. It's–"
Another heave of Quinn's stomach cuts her words short. Levi leans back to give her room to breathe. "Alright, that's enough. You don't have to tell me any more. Just relax."
She knots her hands up in her lap, trying and failing to muffle a soft hiccup in her chest. A couple of stray tears fall down her face. "I'm so tired. I can barely sleep a full hour without this happening. Not unless I…" Her voice trails off again as she buries her face in her hands. Levi quickly stops her by grabbing both of her wrists.
"Well that's not an option, got it? We'll figure something else out."
"You know," Quinn chokes out between sniffles. "This isn't your problem."
Levi's grip on her wrists only tightens. "If you don't sleep, you'll be exhausted. If you're exhausted, you'll be killed. So yes, this is my problem. I'm making it my problem. I'm not gonna watch you die."
A faint, broken smile spreads across her face in between tears. Then, she surprises Levi with something he didn't expect.
She lunges forward into his arms, and hugs him.
Levi doesn't question it as his arms wrap around her instinctively, embracing the warmth as she clings onto him.
Warm, soft, sweet – just like she's always been.
"We'll figure something out, Quinn. I promise."