Learn to Burn It
"Are you sure about this?" Piotr asked in concern. "It seems dangerous."
"Don't worry, homme. There's nothing to worry about," Remy assured him.
"Yeah, quit being such a downer, mate," Pyro smiled. "It's perfectly safe. Not to mention fun!"
"I would not call setting paper balls on fire and tossing them against a metal wall safe or fun," Piotr frowned.
"What are you talking about? It's great!" Pyro giggled giving a demonstration. He, Remy and Piotr were in a mostly empty storage room along with several open boxes of paper. "See? Nothing to it!"
"Most acts of wanton destruction usual are," Piotr sighed.
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Remy quipped grabbing a sheet of paper, lightly coated it with sticky powder and crumpled it into a ball. "Besides, we're not randomly setting papers on fire. We're covering them with various chemical compounds so the flames are different colors."
"Yeah, like this!" Pyro grinned setting a trio of paper balls alight before tossing them against the wall. The balls stuck to it and quickly proceeded to burn in a variety of colors. "See, they're so pretty! Oooo!"
"That may be," Piotr said. "But it still does not seem very safe."
"Relax, mon ami. There's no reason to get worked up," Remy said while casually tossing a few more lightly charged paper balls against the wall. "The room is fireproof, the air vents are on maximum to draw away the smoke and we have a dozen extra-large fire extinguishers on standby."
"That has not stopped sections of the base from burning down before," Piotr reminded glancing at one of the open boxes. "Especially with such a large amount of flammable material. Where did you get all these papers from in the first place?"
"Nabbed 'em from Mags' private office," Remy explained. "They're a mix of preliminary mission plans, blackmail files, old tax returns. Nothing important."
"I had to ask," Piotr groaned holding his head. "I am surprised Pyro did not immediately set every single box and piece of paper on fire."
"Na, I got more self-control than that," Pyro stated.
"Since when?" Remy quipped.
"A lit fire is a wonderful thing. It has to be properly appreciated," Pyro lectured creating more flaming paper balls and watched them dance and flicker. "Flames must be savored. They must be enjoyed. One must glaze, marvel and embrace flames in order to understand their pure, incomparable magnificence."
"O-kay," Piotr blinked slowly. "Have you been sniffing and vaporizing scented oils again?"
"Only six or seven bottles," Pyro giggled. "How did you know?"
"Just a guess," Piotr moaned.
"The brain-altering effects of breathing in fragrant diffused air aside," Remy interjected. "Fire gazing can be a nice way to relax." He held out a wadded paper ball to Piotr. "Here, you have a go."
"No thank you," Piotr declined.
"Why not? Lighting certain stuff on fire can really help improve one's mood," Pyro pointed out. "You know all about that, Colossus. Back when I told all about a few of my flammable things."
"I remember," Piotr coughed self-consciously. "But that does not mean I approve of it. Or want to do so myself."
"Aw, come on. Just give it a try," Remy said pressing the paper ball into Piotr's hands. "It's just paper, not dynamite."
"Yeah, let 'er rip, Colossus!" Pyro urged. "Unleash your flamey potential for all to see! Give it the fiery breath of life! Feel the burn!"
"No! I do not want to," Piotr protested while trying to hand back the paper ball. "And even if I did, I do not know how."
"How? Why, that's easy, homme," Remy grinned. "Anybody can set stuff alight if they put their mind to it."
"Yeah. Fire making is a very basic skill," Pyro added. "There are tons of ways to make fire come alive. With or without having a related mutant power. Just look at me!" Pyro smiled holding up a smoking paper ball and began gently blowing on it. "Birthing flames is an art of true beauty."
"An art of true beauty," Piotr watched as the paper ball suddenly burst into flames. "Could it be?"
"Yes, that's right!" Pyro grinned clutching the ball. "Ample warmth is a life necessity."
"Life necessity?" Piotr repeated skeptically.
"From a flame!" Pyro giggled.
"That is bright!" Remy added.
"Fresh incense does wonders to relieve stress!" Pyro smiled in satisfaction.
"Cleans up every mess!" Remy insisted.
"But the ash…" Piotr attempted to point out.
"Nonetheless," Remy quickly waved Piotr's concern aside.
"A well-lit spark is the gateway to success!" Pyro tossed the flaming paper ball over his shoulder and grabbed one of Piotr's arms. "Imagine how it feels!"
"Once ignition's begun!" Remy smirked grabbing Piotr's other arm.
"So cease your hesitation and let's move on to the fun!" The two Acolytes smiled and spun Piotr around.
"Alright, I will try," Piotr gave in with a sigh.
"Yay!" Pyro cheered pulling out a matchbox and slapped it into Piotr's open hand. "Now, grab a match and strike it well!"
"And do not stop until it's lit," Remy coached.
"The match head keeps on breaking," Piotr commented. "Is it smoking?"
"Just a little bit," Pyro noted.
"The flame went out!" Piotr yelped accidentally scorching his fingers.
"No need to shout," Remy remarked.
"Your focus was remiss," Pyro scolded as he and Remy fixed Piotr with a pair of looks. "Most of all remember this!"
"Okay," Piotr said warily.
"If I can learn to burn it, you can learn to burn it!" Pyro sang while easily setting another paper ball on fire.
"Something in you knows it!" Remy smirked doing the same. "There's nothing to it!"
"Work until you achieve a breakthrough!" Pyro smiled as he and Remy tossed their flaming paper balls at the wall. "You can learn to burn it too!"
"Um, on second thought, I think I will go do something else," Piotr attempted to leave the room.
"Oh no you don't!" Pyro caught Piotr and slapped a lighter into his surprised hand. "Here, hold it up and flick your thumb!"
"If it won't light, then try again," Remy encouraged.
"My thumb is more used to a pen," Piotr protested while failing to create a spark.
"We'll try a different method then," Pyro shrugged taking back his lighter.
"A ferro rod?" Remy suggested.
"A cattle prod?" Pyro proposed.
"Let's pause and grab a bite," Piotr attempted to escape once more.
"Not until you get this right!" Remy and Pyro shouted grabbing Piotr and leading him back into the room.
"If I can learn to burn it, you can learn to burn it!" Pyro declared spinning Piotr around.
"Pull yourself together!" Remy encouraged. "And you'll pull through it!"
"Pull maybe," Piotr allowed. "Survive however…"
"Tell yourself it's easy! And it's true!" Remy and Pyro sang dancing about with Piotr. "You can learn to burn it too!"
"That is what I am afraid of," Piotr groaned.
"Now, we'll try starting a flame the old-fashioned way!" Pyro said shoving some items into Piotr's hands. "Strike flint and steel together!"
"Turn and feather!" Remy instructed.
"Tap 'em better!" Pyro urged.
"Oops!" Piotr blinked as the piece of flint broke and crumbled to dust.
"Convex lens, made-to-order!" Pyro handed Piotr a large magnifying glass.
"Watch it smolder!" Remy helped direct the focused light onto a paper ball.
"Good, Piotr?" Pyro asked hopefully.
"Uh…" Piotr and the illuminated paper ball sputtered.
"Electric sources!" Pyro held up a large battery.
"Voltage!" Remy slapped some steel wool across the terminals.
"Whoa!" Piotr yelped as the battery leaked acid while failing to produce a spark.
"A blob of thermite!" Pyro grinned reaching into his pocket.
"What the...?!" Remy did a take.
"No!" Piotr shouted armoring up.
"Rubbing sticks!" Pyro suggested holding out a pair.
"Is a bit old hat," Remy scoffed.
"Have silver fulminate go splat!" Pyro mimed doing so.
"I will squeeze it till it is flat," Piotr grabbed a wad of papers and rapidly compressed them with his bare hands.
Whooosh!
"I don't believe we taught him that," Remy blinked as the mass of papers burst into flame.
"Alright! Way to go, mate!" Pyro cheered at the combustion. "That's one way to make a fire piston!"
"Wow," Piotr stared in wonder at the burning paper. "If you can learn to burn it, I can learn to burn it."
"Don't know how you burned it," Remy shook his head in admiration.
"I simply burned it," Piotr smiled cradling the burning paper in delight. "Suddenly I feel like someone new!"
"Let the flames of joy ensue!" Remy and Pyro whooped setting alight more paper balls of their own.
"Will you lunatics stop making all that noise," Mastermind snapped appearing in the doorway. "Can't a man recover from a hangover in peace…what the…?"
"If I can learn to burn it, you can learn to burn it!" Remy, Piotr and Pyro sang and danced about while wadding and lighting up ever more paper balls, each in their own way. "Pull yourself together! And you'll pull through it!"
"Tell yourself it's easy!" Remy smirked tossing several paper balls into the air.
"And it's true!" Pyro whooped shooting out streams of fire from his pack. "You can learn to burn it…!"
"Nothing to it!" Piotr beamed confidently.
"You can learn to burn it toooooooooooo!" The three Acolytes roared and skipped about as a torrent of burning paper balls rained around them.
"That's it!" Mastermind did an immediate about-face and fled the scene as fast as he could. "It's official! Pyromania really is contagious!"
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "Learn to Do It".