Chaotic Waters Act 1, Chapter 13: Memories and Rumors.
-Kasumi-
She remembered that day.
That perfect. horrible day so long ago, before she had been locked away for ten years. Every day she had held on to her precious memories of her siblings. Of Hibari-chan, of Chihiro-chan, of Baka-kun, of...of 'Ruka-chan. Every day more and more slipped from her fingers like her namesake, like mist. How much longer could she hold on to the memories of those wonderful days before her daddy had seen her being herself? How much longer could she bear the memory of his hands hitting her frail body, of claws and fangs tearing into her, of her very existence being eroded away bit by bit?
It had started like every other day back then. She woke up, pretended to be a boy in front of daddy, and the went to play with 'Ruka-chan and the others since daddy had to work. They'd explored mountains and caves, even splashed about in a river! They were really just things to climb on in a playground and a small stream, but to them they were the wild untamed wilderness. The five of them played for hours, the sun just barely starting to touch the horizon before they ended their game. The entire time she'd stuck close to 'Ruka-chan, as she usually did. It wasn't that she wasn't close to the others, she was, but there was just something...familiar about Ruka. Her other siblings had started out as strangers, became friends, and then siblings in that order but 'Ruka...Ruka was different. From the start, Ruka hadn't felt like a stranger but...something familiar, something precious. She didn't know any words that could describe how she felt towards the blonde, just as she didn't have the words to explain how she knew she was a girl. It was just a fact of the world, like fire is hot and water is wet, it wasn't something that could be argued, it just was.
Truthfully she didn't understand the feeling she had, all she knew was that they made her feel like doing silly things. She'd feel all funny and prickly whenever one of her other siblings held 'Ruka's hand or when 'Ruka paid more attention to them instead of her, not that that happened very often, 'Ruka was just as attached to her as she was to the older girl. Even when 'Ruka was a boy and wanted to be called Haru, these feelings didn't change one bit, and for a moment, just one fragment of a second she had decided to lean into those feelings.
It had been the worse mistake of her existence.
That one tiny peck on the blonde's cheek after Haru, because he had started to feel like a boy again near the end of the day, had been told he had to come in for the night had been her downfall. Haru's parents had thought it was cute, even Mr. Tenoh with his weird way of talking and his normally stoic expression had thought so! Haru-chan had been grossed out and had wiped it off his cheek almost immediately with a whine, an act that had sent the two adults and Kasumi into peals of laughter.
How was she to know it would be the last time she ever laughed?
Unbeknownst to anyone there, her daddy had seen the exchange and hadnotfound it cute. He had seen her in the blue dress and pink hairband Haru had given her. He had seen her kiss a boy, even though they had something called "Cooties" according to Mr. Tenoh. As usual her sibling's parents had sent her on her way home, but this time no-one thought to remind her to change back into her uncomfortable boy clothes...something that she later wished they had remembered to do, maybe it would have made a difference. The moment she had walked into the apartment her and her daddy lived in and shut the door, pain had exploded across her face. She had been sent flying, crashing into the kitchen cupboards with monstrous force. Something in her arm had snapped when she landed, she remembered crying out only for another blow to smash into her left eye. Blow after blow had rained down on her, her attacker bellowing at her between each one, as if to physically pound his words into her body.
She cried out, screaming as her dress and hairband were ripped off of her before she was thrown across the room and crashed into the glass table her daddy liked to eat on, the sound of shattering glass filling the room even as new pain dug into her sides and back. Her body screaming at her in pain, she looked up shakily to see her attacker, to beg them to stop.
It was her own daddy.
He had hurt her, and was stomping closer to her, an indescribable anger etched on his face like a demon of old. She screamed once more and the pain began again.
For weeks her life had been nothing but pain after that. Her Daddy seemed intent on "setting her straight" as he put it. Every day he'd hurt her and everyday she felt another part of her crack until even she wasn't sure who she was anymore.
It was then that he threw her in the Pit. It was then that her already damaged mind had shattered, sending her here in this prison. If she didn't want to wear pretty things, didn't want to kiss a sometimes boy, didn't want to be a girl, then her daddy wouldn't hurt her. Her own mind tore away everything that made her Kasumi and locked it away where what was left couldn't be hurt because of her. There she had remained, unchanging, for ten long years, every second an eternity...until finally, after so long, the other part of her had started to wonder, to doubt, to question the lie that their daddy had made them believe. That they were not, and had never been, a girl.
-Hibari-
She remembered the day she'd found out what had happened to her little sister.
Every day the five of them would meet up and Kasumi was always the first to arrive, so when she didn't show the next day, Hibari had known something was wrong.
Just as she had known it was because of that man.
She had never felt comfortable in the same room as Kasumi's father, she'd been able to see past the mask the man wore, she'd lived around people wearing masks her entire life after all. She'd begged and pleaded with her father to check on Kasumi, to make sure her sister was safe, until she'd made herself sick, until her daddy had finally sent some of the boys to check on the girl.
What they'd found had haunted her for ten long years. The apartment her little sister lived in had looked like a bomb had gone off, broken cupboards and furniture were scattered across the kitchen and living room, splotches of dried blood dotted both rooms, and there in the walkway between, was something that had torn a scream from her. A torn blue dress and a pink hairband, snapped in half.
She'd been inconsolable for weeks after that, even her daddy and her birth sisters hadn't fought her on how she was a girl, her grief was too much, too strong for a child so young. How could it not be when she blamed herself? If only she had been able to convince someone to check on her faster, if only she had told someone how Kasumi's daddy scared her.
It had taken the combined efforts of Chihiro, the idiot, and her family over the course of two months to pull her out of that dark place. During that time not one single one of them had told Haruka what they had found, even as young as they were they knew the blonde would blame themselves somehow. Over time the Yakuza princess had learned to put her grief aside, to bury it deep within her where no-one could see it.
She'd been doing that for nearly five years when she ran into Kasumi again.
She'd barely believed her eyes, here was someone she'd thought was dead for nearly ten years, just standing in front of her after dealing with some punks who had thought to mess with her. Granted, if they had known who she was they would have ran for the hills...or the nearest Buddhist temple, depended on how scared they were. Either way something had felt...off. The person in front of her was definitely Kasumi but she felt different, almost like a completely different person.
It didn't take her long to figure out just how accurate that was. After Kasumi had delt with the idiots, she'd asked if Hibari was okay, introducing herself as Saotome Ranma. Ranma, the name Kasumi had hated with every single fiber of her being. The name that she would immediately try to strangle people for using as her name. It hadn't made sense to her, before she'd learned what had happened. How could someone change so completely?
Of course she asked herself the exact same question not two seconds later when someone had thrown a bucket of water out the window and turned her old friend into a red head. That single event had opened her eyes, surely Kasumi couldn't have changed her entire personality in such a short amount of time without some kind of magical reason?
The truth, as she would later found out, was far more horrific than she could have imagined.
She'd probed Kasumi, saying that the martial artist reminded her of an old friend, she mentioned Chihiro and the idiot, she even used the idiot's actual name! Nothing seemed to ring any bells for the red head. And then, in desperation, she'd mentioned flashed in the red head's eyes for an instant, it was there and gone, in less time than it would take someone to blink, but Hibari had seen it.
Her little sister was still in there somewhere, buried deep within.
And so she had begun to plan, to plot, and to manipulate her old friends, all for the sake of bringing one back from whatever had taken her away from them all.
She owed it to Haruka for never telling her ever-changing sibling what had happened to the girl they loved.
She owed it to the little sister she had already failed twice.
-Juban, Haruka's Apartment-
Haruka yawned and stretched, groaning in relief as her back popped before rubbing her throat. It felt a bit sore, did she catch something yesterday when Michiru and her got caught in the rain? Michiru...she reminded her a lot of Kasumi, they even looked similar aside from the teal hair though she knew it wasn't her classmate's actual hair color, the girl had told her as much the day before after all. She looked over to her bedside table, smiling sadly as she looked at the photo Pluto had found just the other day. Hibari's words rang through her mind, that she should just...move on, but how could she? Kasumi had been and still was precious to her, how could she possibly move on from someone who meant so much to her?
"What would you say?" She wondered out loud, putting her itchy throat to the back of her mind for the moment. Maybe she should have jumped into the shower after her classmate was done with it?
Muttering to herself, she slowly pulled herself from the bed, rubbing her throat again as she walked into the living room in just a large white T-shirt and blue boxers, the latter thankfully covered by the former. She walked over to the kitchen bleary-eyed, not even noticing that her teal haired guest had gotten up and had gotten herself dressed in the clothes she wore yesterday. She grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water from the sink, gulping down it's contents as quickly as her body would allow.
She turned around, spotting the teal haired girl reading a book of some sort. Beautiful, that was the only word that came to her mind as she looked at Michiru. The light from the sun lit up her classmate, almost making it seem like she was glowing, like an angel from the stories her father used to tell her. She'd told him once back before she'd met Kasumi, that she'd find an angel and it looked as though she had kept her word. She watched, breathless as the teal haired girl turned a page, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear."Why does this girl affect me so much?"She wondered."Is it because she reminds me of Kasumi?"
As if realizing that she was being watched, Michiru's head jerked up, looking at Haruka with wide eyes before giving the taller girl a small, hesitant nod. "Morning." She said quietly, marking her place in her book with a bookmark and closing it. "Did you sleep well?"
"Ah...well enough." The racer muttered, setting her glass in the sink.
"That's good..." Frowning, Michiru tilted her head, her eyes squinting just the slightest bit as she stared at Haruka.
"Something on my face?"
"No...I was trying to see if I could guess if you were an apple or an orange today."
"...huh?" What was her classmate on about?
"You know, what we were talking about last night, you said yours changes from day to day. I wanted to figure out what you were today...I'm guessing an apple?"
An apple? What they were talking about yesterday? What was this girl even talking about? It came to her like a jolt of lightning, they'd been talking about gender the night before and she'd used fruit as an analogy, apples for being a guy and oranges for being a girl. "Ah...girl today." She said sheepishly, making the teal haired girl click her tongue in annoyance.
"I'll get it right one of these days." Her classmate muttered to herself, turning back to her book.
Haruka laughed, checking the time on her father's watch. It was one of the only two accessories she wore, outside of the earrings that just appeared on her ears whenever she transformed."Not that she needs to know about that."She mused to herself before blinking in surprise at the time. She was up muchmuchearlier than she usually was, the senshi of wind under no circumstances could be called a morning person, honestly it was a miracle she wasn't speaking in grunts before her morning coffee. Shaking her head, she began the process of brewing a pot of coffee, shooting her guest a questioning look. "You want a cup?" She asked, getting a mildly disgusted look in return.
"No thank you, I actually should probably be headed back to my apartment soon..." The teal haired girl sighed. "I still need to put on my uniform for school."
"Right, well at least today should be interesting." The blonde remarked, grabbing a mug from the cupboard and pouring some coffee into it after the machine beeped.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that by now, Hasegawa-san will have reported to everyone that you were seen entering my apartment."
"...Hasegawa-san?"
"The vice president of the "Prince Tenoh Fanclub"." Haruka started, rolling her eyes. "She lives in the apartment across the hall, I saw her coming out right as we were walking in." She finished, taking a sip of the delicious dark brown liquid.
"Fuck."
Haruka choked, coughing as her hot coffee went down the wrong pipe. "Why fuck?" She asked after getting her coughing under control and setting the mug down on the counter.
"You know...my situation? I'm trying to keep a low profile."
"...You're joking right?" The racer deadpanned, smacking her forehead with her palm when her classmate shook her head. "Look, I hate to be the person to tell you this, but you probably stand out themostout of anyone in our school! And this is coming from the person who regularly goes out of country to drive stupidly fast in a circle."
"So you admit it! It IS just seeing who can make left turns the fastest!"
"Don't you dare start with that again!" Haruka growled, giving the teal haired girl a look that was meant to be intimidating, needless to say it was ineffectual after the cursed girl's experiences. "I admit, dying your hair was a good idea since you said yours was originally red, it's not a very common color after all."
"Well...yes, thatiswhy I dyed it." Michiru muttered, as if that was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Butteal?!Seriously?! That is justbeggingsomeone to pay attention to you. Why didn't you just dye it black or brown, you know a normal hair color?"
The apartment was silent for a moment before her classmate's eyes widened and her hand met her forehead with a thunderous crack, "Son of a gods-damned bitch!" The girl swore. "Why thehelldidn't I think of that?! Fuck, fuck, fuck!"
Haruka snorted, taking a sip of her coffee. "Think the last time I heard someone swear like that was my mechanic after he dropped a piece of my car on his foot." She said, watching with more than a little amusement as her classmate groaned and leaned back against the couch, clearly done with the day already.
"On top ofthat, now I have to deal with this?" The teal haired girl muttered. "What's next?!"
"That?"
Michiru winced, and looked away, a slight flush forming across her cheeks. "I had to borrow some...supplies when I woke up." She muttered, refusing to look at the blonde.
"Some supplies?" Haruka asked quizzically."What in the world is she...oh...Oh!"The blonde's eyes widened as her own cheeks warmed. She looked at the ceiling, anywhere was better than looking at her classmate right now. "Right." She said, clearing her throat with a cough. "That's uh...that's fine, do you...do you need any meds or anything?"
The teal haired girl's eyes flicked to the blonde before quickly looking away, nodding her head once in a quick jerking motion.
"I'll uh, I'll go grab you some." The blonde muttered, almost appearing to flee from the conversations as she quickly took off down the hall to the bathroom.
"The universe hates me, that's the only possible explanation."Michiru thought to herself as she walked into her classroom, wincing as another stabbing sensation hit her lower abdomen. Even with pain meds her cramps were no easy thing to ignore. Ever since her first cycle back when her pops and her had been fleeing from Shampoo, she'd done her best to stay in her birth form whenever she'd felt like this. Unfortunately her current situation prevented her from doing that, much to her displeasure. On top of that everyone was giving her these strange looks. For the most part, the boys seemed to be smirking at her, like they now knew something about her that they hadn't before. The girls on the other had were split into two groups, half of them seemed to be glaring at her angrily, while the other half were eyeing her with disgust. "Mind explaining?" She asked an upset looking Mayu. Come to think of it, a lot of people were glaring at the other girl too, and the her eyes did seem a bit red and puffy...
A sinking feeling formed in the pit of her stomach.
"Someone saw me leaving your apartment the other morning." The long haired girl explained, her voice thick with emotion. "They told someone who told someone else, and by the end of the day the whole school knew, which spawned more than a few...rumors about us. On top of that..." She hesitated.
"Let me guess, another rumor started today about me being in Tenoh-san's apartment?" Michiru asked tiredly, putting her head in her hands.
"...yeah." Mayu confirmed, wincing slightly. "As a result...well..."
"Just say it Sasaki-san."
"...everyone thinks I'm a "disgusting" lesbian and that you're the easiest thing since breathing." The girl finished with a sigh.
"Ah." Great, just what she needed right now...still it was obvious that Mayu had been crying and while certainly not good, the rumors didn't seem allthatbad...unless? "There's something else." The cursed girl said bluntly.
"You don't want to know." Mayu said firmly, sitting down at her desk.
"I'm gonna find out eventually Sasaki-san, might as well tell me now."
"...They've started calling us the school slut and dyke. I've heard some of the boys saying they can't wait to take you home and...some guys have even offered to try and fix me."
"Fuck." Michiru groaned, biting the tip of her thumbnail, her thoughts racing through her mind."Okay, what can I do? I don't care about the rumors about me, not like I haven't heard worse, but Sasaki-san..."This wasn't Nerima, it wasn't like she could just put the fear of her into them or pummel the more stubborn idiots until they learned not to spread around bullshit rumors."Come on, what can I do? She's in this mess because I insisted on her staying the night, there's gotta be something I can do to help her."She sat down in her chair, tapping her finger on the wooden surface."Let's see...the rumors about me are annoying, but manageable. I could easily defend myself from any idiot who won't take no for an answer, not like anyone here could compare to the idiots in Nerima. Still...I could probably make an appearance as Takeo, play the protective big brother for this persona."She glanced over to where Haruka was standing with a crowd of grinning boys, probably congratulating the girl for spending the night with the teal haired girl, either way the blonde did not seem happy about it. If anything the taller girl looked like she was about to throttle someone.
"Kaioh-san?" She heard Mayu ask from beside her. "Are...is the rumor about you being at Tenoh-san's apartment true? Not that I believe the one about you two doing anything!"
"Hmm? Oh that? Yes it's true, we both got caught in the rain and Haruka offered to let me use a towel at her place." The cursed girl explained, deciding not to bring up the shower or how the blonde had ended up on top of her.
"Her?"
"Him! I said him!" She quickly corrected herself, remembering that, to the school at least, Haruka was a boy. She blinked, the thought of the blonde being a boy to the school sticking in her mind."Wait...maybe we could...I mean it might cause a problem for me, but maybe we could..."A smile slowly formed on her face as a plan started to form in her mind. "You said Haruka would step in if someone was being harassed, right? The other day when we met?"
The brunette frowned as she thought back to that conversation before nodding hesitantly. "Well...yes, but how's that gonna help?"
"Well, I might have an idea to deal with these rumors, but it'd require his help, meet me on the roof after the lunch bell, we'll talk then." She said, spotting Ishioka-Sensei walking into the classroom.
Later that day, three students sat down on the school roof, all three of them displaying some level of annoyance or distress. "Ok, so what's this idea of yours?" The class president asked, looking at the teal haired girl.
"Basically? We bluff our way out of this." Michiru said, leaning back against the fence at the edge of the roof.
"How?" Haruka asked, taking a bite of her lunch.
"Simple, we pretend to date each other, me and you, and Mayu and my brother, Takeo." The cursed girl said bluntly.
"How exactly isthatgoing to help us?!" Mayu asked, wishing she could be the one to "date" the teal haired girl.
"It won't. Well to be specific it won't helpmeany, but you? That's another story." Michiru began to explain, opening a melon bun packet. "If we do this, then you weren't over at my place to be with me, but my brother, and we couldn't have done anything because I would be seeing Haruka. I could even tell them that I was there the entire night and never saw you two get up to anything."
Slowly, the senshi of wind nodded, chewing on the inside of her lip. "I get it, doing that would help to squash the rumors about Sasaki-san being a lesbian." She frowned, giving Michiru a sharp look. "You know, if anything, it'll just confirm the rumors about you, if not make them worse right?"
"Oh trust me, I'm aware." The teal haired girl muttered, taking a bite of her treat. "But this sort of thing is nothing new, I've heard worse rumors spread about me." She shrugged in a what can you do manner before taking another bite.
"Nothing new, are you kidding me?! If we do this your reputation's gonna be in shambles!" Mayu snapped.
"It already is, nothing we say or do is gonna convince people otherwise about me, best we can do is damage control." She sighed and closed her eyes, soaking up the warm sun's rays on her body. "Plus, if I'm dating Haruka, then the boys in this school won't approach me...well at least the one's that aren't complete perverts."
"And as her "boyfriend"-" The blonde started, making air quotes at the title. "-I can get after anyone that does try...though I won't be able to do anything physical, my sponsors wouldn't be happy with me if I did."
"Not a problem." Michiru said, waving off the blonde. "I might not look it, but I've been practicing martial arts for years, I doubt there's too many people in this school who could actually lay a hand on me."
"So that's why you're so fit! I thought it was from swimming a lot!" Mayu exclaimed, looking over the cursed girl, only to quickly realize what she was doing and look away.
"Nope. This is actually the first time I've ever been on a swim team, before now I only did it occasionally, like at the beach and stuff."
"Still...you know this plan of yours is gonna require us to be seen going on more than a few dates right? Even if we get lucky and someone sees us on the first one, it's gonna be a bit before people think the first set of rumors were false." Haruka pointed out, opening her bento box.
"Trust me I know." The teal haired girl muttered, annoyance clear in her voice. "I'd rather not do this if I'm being completely honest."
"Awww and here I thought you set this whole thing up, just to go on a date with me." The blonde of their group teased, reaching out her hand and poking Michiru in the cheek.
"Do that again and I'll bite it." Was the cursed girl's reply, much to the amusement of the blonde. She didn't want to think about why her cheeks suddenly felt a little warm at the thought ofactuallygoing on a date with the taller girl. "Anyway," She began, clearing her throat. "It's not like we can just start this right away, I'll talk to my brother about the plan tonight, after that we'll need to plan some dates." And by "talk to her brother" she meant dig out those packets of instant Jusenkyō powder she'd had stashed away for the off chance that someone noticed "Takeo" and "Michiru" were never seen together, something Ucchan had brought up as a possible problem."Thank you instant powder of drowned twin!"
"Not sure how I feel about dating your brother." Mayu muttered, her face scrunching up in distaste. "Don't get me wrong, he seemed nice enough but...he's not my type." That was an understatement, now if Michiru had a sister on the other hand...
"Right, you like girls." Haruka and Michiru said in unison, blinking at each other in surprise.
"...I'm notthatobvious am I?"
"Absolutely/One hundred percent."
"...I hate you both."
Two. That was the number of instant drowned twin powder packets she had on hand."Maybe I could ask Herb to ship some this way?"She wondered, tilting her head in thought before frowning."I'd need to get a letter to him, and that'd take a while...still, unless we set up the dates at the same time I should be able to make them stretch."She crossed her arms, tapping a finger just above her left elbow."Would it be worth the risk though? The curse alone lets me change back and forth, so I should be able to pull this off with Sasaki-san and Haru...ka."Her eyes widened. Haruka, had said that how she saw herself day to day changed, but unless the blonde had somehow come across Jusenkyō it was unlikely that her body changed with it."If I could get her some instant Nannīchuan powder, she'd be able to change for a bit and avoid being permanently cursed! And Herb said that the Musk used the instant powder all the time! So a bulk order wouldn't set off any alarm bells with the Joketsuzoku." A box of packets would be more discreet than a whole barrel of water after all!
With that thought she nodded, quickly penning down a letter to send out in the morning and undressed for bed, falling asleep almost the moment her head hit the pillow.
Her dream put her right back in Nerima.
It was the same streets and the same buildings, though they looked different, less worn down. There around her was a thick mist, it prevented her from seeing anyone around her, even if she could see vague figures standing and walking around.
"So even in my dreams I can't escape this place." Had Nerima always looked like this? Had the sight of these streets and buildings always made her skin crawl and her blood feel like ice in her veins? With a start, she realized she couldn't hear anything other than herself, no birds, no insects, nothing! She tapped her shoe hard on the sidewalk, frowning at the complete silence that followed the action. "What is it with me and weird dreams lately?" She muttered to herself. Shaking her head, she started to walk, at least she'd be moving rather than just staying still in this mist.
No matter where she went, nothing around her made a sound, not even her own feet hitting the ground, much to her frustration. Everything was so silent in fact that when she did hear something she nearly jumped to the moon she was so startled.
Laughter, children's laughter.
She ran in the direction of the sound, hoping to find something, anything in this mist that got rid of the awful silence surrounding her, but could never seem to reach it. Sometimes it'd sound like it was just around the corner, other times it sounded like it was from a great distance away, either way she could make no headway. After running for what must have been twenty miles she stopped, her hands on her knees as she gasped for air. What was with this dream? No matter what she did shou couldn't reach the laughter, and despite running what must have been miles, she was somehowstillin Nerima! "This doesn't make any sense! I know this is a dream, but come on!"
"You won't reach it you know." She shrieked and jumped to the side at the sudden appearance of someone speaking, falling into a ready stance without thinking.
It was a child, a girl at that. Like much of the world around her, the child was shrouded in mist, but even so...somehow she just knew that the kid before her was a girl.
Once more the girl spoke, her voice crystal clear unlike her appearance. "You can't reach it, not until you remember."
Michiru frowned, slowly relaxing outside of her stance. "Why not?" She asked, her eyes narrowing at this strange child. "Why would not remembering something keep me from going somewhere?"
"How would you know you've reached the right place if you've forgotten everything about it, even what you were looking for?"
The cursed girl opened her lips to tell this child exactly what she was looking for only to freeze, whathadshe been looking for? It was something...something important. "This isn't a dream is it...or rather it's something more than a dream."
"Maybe." The child said smugly, twisting her body back and forth, her vague dress twirling left and right with each turn.
"...okay, say I believe you. What is it that I need to remember?"
The child sighed, her shoulders slumping dramatically. "That's the tricky part, You have to remember on your own."
"How can I remember something I don't know I've forgotten?" Michiru countered. "Couldn't you give me a hint or something?"
The child was quiet for a minute, somehow the teal haired girl just knew the little girl was thinking over her words. Almost in no time at all, the girl hidden in the mist seemed to perk up, like she'd just thought of something. "I can!" She said excitedly. "But it can't be anything obvious, you hafta figure it out on your own!" Her words seemed to become more childlike in her excitement, like she was acting her age instead of acting like an adult. "What you have to remember is really simple!"
"What's that?"
"You have to remember who I used to be."