Chapter 7

I woke up feeling entirely more comfortable than I had in a long time. So comfortable, in fact, that I failed to realize, for the first time in a year, I fell asleep without being afraid of the night. And when I lazily opened my eyes, I found out why.

Jack, still beneath me, breathed in slow, relaxed breaths. Looking at him then, it was difficult to understand how he could possibly be going through so much pain and guilt when, from appearances, he seemed so tranquil and serene in his sleep. But, still, I couldn't help but be tricked by his calmness. Maybe he really was better.

All too aware I could wake him up, but not being able to stop myself, I lifted a hand to brush some of the sandy hair from his face. I then laid my hands flat on his chest, propping my hands on them and watching him, comforted by the rise and fall that indicated he's alive and here with me.

Although, he must've sensed me, because his eyes fluttered open. The first thing I noticed, even in the darkness of the room, was the piercing blue of his eyes, which tended to be darker when he first awoke. So deep, so mesmerizing. A smile quickly followed. "Hey," he said, his voice strained and not yet fully aware.

"Hey," I smiled back, reaching up and running my fingers along his jaw. His body reacted in kind, his arms moving in circles across my back. I glanced around the room, noticing that it was later into the night, but certainly not morning. "I guess we fell asleep here."

Jack nodded. "Yeah, you fell asleep on me, and I didn't want to move and wake you."

"You could've woken me," I frowned. "I can't imagine this was very comfortable for you."

"There are less comfortable places to sleep," he quipped, flashing a coy, boyish grin at me, one I hadn't seen in far too long. I felt the heat begging to consume my cheeks when it suddenly disappeared. "Like under a bridge."

We broke out into a short burst of laughter, not stopping until the muscles in my face felt sore. I then started removing myself from him, and he tightened his grasp around my middle ever so slightly, raising his eyebrows. "Wait, wait, where are you going?"

I eased myself out of his hold and stood up. I grabbed his hands to force him into a sitting position. "Come with me," I dropped one hand and pulled him along with the other. Following my lead, we traveled up the stairs and into our bedroom.

Once we crossed the threshold of the door I allowed my fingers to slip out of his as I walked over to the bed, beginning to undress the mattress. When I turned around, I found Jack with his back pressed against the closed door, arms crossed over his chest.

"Come here," he said, opening his arms. I readily walked over, wrapping myself in him, us almost as close as before. Being away from him for even those few seconds was awful, I realized then. It's strange how you can miss a person despite them being in the very same room as you, only feet away.

"What's wrong?" I asked into his shirt, not really thinking, because Jack hadn't been this clingy since his return. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Not that I minded this alteration, though.

He simply shrugged. "What, I can't hold my wife anymore?" I felt myself smiling against him. "I can't tell her how much I missed her this last year? How much I love her?" He paused momentarily to let out a sigh, "How sorry I am for all of this?"

My face scrunching, I adjusted so that I could look at him. I instinctively held onto him a little tighter. "All of what?"

"I promised to take care of you, no matter what," his eyes began to well up with tears. "When we got married, I promised to take care of you, and I've done anything but that. I haven't taken care of you or Ellie. I left you in charge of everything – to care for yourself and our daughter, putting food on the table, keeping everything together while I was gone, all of it. I'm so sorry, Rose."

"Oh, Jack," I shook my head, my hands gliding up to stroke through the hair at the nape of his neck. "I promised to take care of you too, you know." I smiled at him, my fingers moving to wipe his tears away "And besides, you were keeping us safe all that time. I would've wanted you to be home with us, but you were out there being a hero, just like you have been since the day we met."

Similar discussions have been coming around again and again, I've found. Both of us were filled with so much guilt and blame that we couldn't help but to apologize to one another over and over, no matter how much the other comforted or offered words of praise.

I wasn't really sure what I could do to make him feel better about the situation, because, though I'd never admit it to him, his affirmations didn't always work to the full extent. There'd always be a certain amount of hurt that'd never fade, and that was certainly true for him, too.

But one thing I was positive about is that I wouldn't ever stop reminding him why it wasn't his fault.

Jack wrapped his arms tighter around me and kissed the top of my head. "God, I love you"

"I love you too," I whispered. It was like we'd frozen in time, then. My palms against his cheeks, his pressed into my back. The slow swaying motion of our bodies, the stillness of the air.

Eventually, my gaze shifted to find the clock, and finally I was able to locate the time. And it was far, far too early for either of us to be up. "Come on, let's go to bed."

I thought back to what Jack said earlier. About how sometimes it felt like he never left. That there were moments when a certain event took place and, if only for a second, he'd be able to forget the lost time between our family.

Hours ago I'd been jealous of him for that. I wished I could experience it for myself just once, because I couldn't ever seem to separate the past and present in my mind.

But during that early morning, as we crawled into bed, we fell into our old routine. I settled on the right side, him the left. I scurried under the covers quickly, he less hurriedly, taking the time to turn off the light beside his pillow. His arms found me instantly in the blackness of the room. And it was only natural the way my eyes closed upon contact with him.

What sealed the deal was the kiss he placed on my forehead. The one that, before the war, he never forgot to give before falling asleep. It felt so impossibly normal, so methodical and right, that for that one moment, I forgot.

…

The next time I awoke it was because of the light pouring in through the curtains. A smile instantly formed against my lips as I realized that Jack didn't wake from a nightmare or anything of the sort. We both slept fairly well and pretty much through the night. And not only that, but we slept in the same bed, and Ellie in her own.

It felt good to wake up with a sense of…. contentment, for a change.

"Mommy! Daddy!" A small voice broke through the crevices of my peaceful morning thoughts. But it wasn't unwelcome, and didn't diminish the amount of joy passing through me. Because not only was our daughter calling for me, but both her parents, a simple luxury we learned to cherish the hard way.

I snuck out of bed, carefully untangling myself from Jack's arms and making the short walk over to Ellie's bedroom. Her face lit up when I entered. I'm sure that mine did too.

"Good morning, Els," I said breezily, sitting at the foot of her bed, enjoying the calm haze lingering over our home. I leaned over and touched her cheek, "How did you sleep?"

"I like that things are how they used to be," she replied brightly, not exactly answering the question. She paused for a moment, certainly trying to figure out the correct way to convey her feelings aloud. "Daddy's back and you're happy again. I'm happy, too."

Hearing her say those things made my heart thump with both admiration and sadness all the same. She should never have had to forget the happiness that always radiated through our family. But, similarly, I was grateful that she got to experience it again.

My face softened as my arms opened. "Come here," I whispered, and she didn't hesitate to jump out of the confines of her covers and into my embrace. My arms automatically encircled her tiny frame as I kissed the messy blonde hair atop her head. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, Mommy," she mumbled into my nightgown.

"Come on," I smiled. "Let's go make some breakfast."

We made our way downstairs and into the kitchen. Ellie, as per usual, insisted on helping with the whole process. Truthfully she mostly just got in the way, but I didn't mind it in the least. She beamed and laughed in a way that reminded so much of Jack that at times, when he was away, it'd frighten me for a moment.

In the middle of prepping the eggs, Ellie got distracted, and I wondered for a second if she'd just gotten bored. When I noticed the way her body twisted towards the door, my eyes followed.

"Daddy!" she exclaimed, giddily skipping away from my side and into his waiting arms.

"Hey," he beamed, lifting her and placing a kiss on her cheek, which earned him a fit of giggles from her. "Are you helping Mommy make breakfast?"

Ellie nodded enthusiastically, no doubt proud to be part of it. But then a sheepish look fell over her face, "Mommy's doing most of the work."

"Is she?" Jack asked, and I heard his heavy tread coming up behind me. This time, he kissed my cheek, "Good morning, Mommy."

An involuntary blush spread across the spot where his lips had just been, and I couldn't stop the smile that formed. Some time ago, when Ellie was little and Jack and I both wanted to engrain our identities into her learning mind, he took to calling me that as well. "Good morning," I replied. "You seem chipper this morning." And he did, and I've missed it more than anything.

Somewhere in between our words, Ellie slipped out from his grasp and was already working on gathering up plates. I watched her for a moment, dreading how much she'd grown but also impossibly prideful of her maturity and youthful playfulness that came so naturally.

I snapped from my haze when Jack reached across me, taking the spatula from my hand and mixing the eggs, which were surely close to burning. Our cheeks were practically touching, and I could feel his never-ending smile pressing against my skin. "I would've been more cheerful if I woke up with my wife next to me," he whispered.

I mirrored his expression, taking back the spatula and lightly tapping him on the arm with it, swatting him away from me. But then I turned off the stove and shifted in his arms so that I could wrap my arms around him. He readily returned my embrace, planting a gentle kiss atop my head.

"I'm sorry, darling," I mumbled into his shirt. "Your daughter was calling."

At the mention of her, both our heads snapped over in her direction. She was now fiddling around with a toy of hers, completely uninterested in helping with cooking any longer. A warmth spread through me, and I fought to not let it fade. This was what I'd been dreaming of for so long. This moment, right here.

I wished I could just stuff it away in a jar forever so I could never lose it. I wanted to be able to go back to this day, this hour, this minute, whenever I felt that looming feeling of hopelessness and confusion that often rained down upon us nowadays. Because we seemed so genuine, so us, that I didn't ever want it to end.

Jack sensed this too, because he just pulled me closer, his hand coming up to rake through my curls. "Oh, that's okay," he said quietly. "I'm just glad to be back with my girls."