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Chapter 13

Lost in Thought

Bella

I was starting to feel a little better.

It was very nice to spend time with Edward. He remained distant, friendly and accommodating, not at all pushy. Could he really manage that in the long term? That would be a dream.

'I love you,' he had said. That had touched me very much. But I couldn't say that I loved him too, I wasn't there yet.

How was my life going to go on? Would I always want to be in these rooms now, mostly alone? Bored? Would waiting for the Prince be my daily routine? Surely that would not be the fulfillment of my dreams in the long run. That would be nothing for me. If I had the opportunity, would I leave again? Voluntarily? I could not imagine it. As strange as it might sound, I would miss Edward. And James, too. How could that be?

My thoughts and feelings were riding a rollercoaster with me.

"What do you think?" asked Edward gently.

It was the middle of the night. I had slept so much during the day that I was no longer really tired.

"Nothing in particular," I said softly and evasively.

He gently stroked my upper arm.

It was nice to lie in his arms like that. I felt safe, but also still a little afraid. I just didn't trust him. So a residual fear was still there.

At some point I fell asleep again.

When I awoke, the sun was already shining into the room and Edward was gone.

I sighed.

Slowly, I spun around to see where James was.

I was terribly frightened, because a strange man was standing in the middle of my room.

"Oh ... pleaz don't be alarmed, Royal 'ighnez. I'm Laurent. James 'ad to leave today. I'll take care of Your 'ighnez!" he spoke in a broad French accent.

James had to leave?

"Where's James?", I asked.

"'unting animals, Royal 'ighnez!"

Oh, I thought, he had to take in food. Hmm ... Somehow the strange man did not suit me, that was too much of a good thing.

"I'm going to the bathroom," I said, hopping in there and locking myself in.

"If Your 'ighnez needz 'elp, I'm 'ere. Just call, pleaz!" he called after me.

My nerves, that would be even nicer.

I decided to use the morning for personal hygiene, then I would not need to talk to Laurent. So I showered extensively, shaved, put on cream, filed my nails, painted them discreetly, and was pleased to feel fit again.

Laurent asked every ten minutes if everything was okay.

How could James do this to me?

When I was done with myself, I put on the robe, went into the room and picked out some clothes. Then I went back into the bathroom and got dressed. Afterwards, I combed and blow-dried my hair in the room, which made Laurent despair, because that would be his job after all.

"I could do that," he said.

"No, thanks, I'll do it myself today," I said firmly. "How long will James be gone?" I asked anxiously.

Hopefully I wouldn't have this Laurent here for days now. I would have a crisis.

"Oh ... 'e'll be back soon," he said.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

"'ave I donn something wrong, 'ighnez?" he then asked, concerned and visibly saddened.

Somehow I also felt sorry for him. I was certainly not the dream Princess for him.

"No, it's all okay. But I miss James," I admitted honestly.

I sat down at the table where my breakfast was already waiting and had a big breakfast.

On my bedside table was a rose again ... and also a note. I had not seen that at all when I got up.

I quickly got up, got the flower and the sheet of paper, put the rose in the vase and sat down again with the letter.

Dearest Princess,

thank you for the fluffy night.

It is so beautiful how your fragrance beguiles my senses.

I will try to be back as soon as possible.

I love you

Your Edward

I had to smirk.

Now he had 'said it' again. He loved me. Did he really? What did love mean to him? What did I expect in this relationship?

I sighed.

"'ighnez, iz everything all right?" asked Laurent anxiously.

I nodded, but I didn't know why. Tears welled up inside me again. Somehow I was caught up in my tangled emotions today.

I put the letter in my nightstand and stepped to the window, letting the tears run, annoyed at the obscured view. Although I hadn't made any noise, Laurent was suddenly standing next to me with a handkerchief. I took it, said thank you, and then went into Edward's room.

I didn't want the 'person' to get so close to me. It didn't feel good.

The chessboard was still on the table, as it was a few days ago, and it was my turn. I made the next move. Then I played the harp.

That comforted me. I couldn't believe my luck yet ... a harp. My harp.

I enjoyed the game and sank into the music as always. (Fireflies by Owl City, Harp)

Playing together with Edward was also so nice. I was happy, because we would certainly do that more often. I hoped. He obviously liked it too. Who would have guessed that I would find a man who liked the same music and could even play - like me.

Again my thoughts circled around Edward.

He was a good musician and composer. He had written a song for me and it was so romantically beautiful. What thoughts went through a man's mind when he composed something like that? I believed him that he loved me. Yes.

The sun sparkled through the windows and bathed the room in a warm mild light.

But still I felt rather sad. Even the sun and the music today probably did not manage to tear me out of my dark and unsteady thoughts.

Afterwards I played on the grand piano.

That was nice as well. (Fireflies by Owl City, Piano)

Laurent stood in the middle of the room and watched me.

I closed my eyes and tried to turn it off. I concentrated again on my playing and the beautiful tones I could elicit from this grand piano. I felt Edward next to me in my mind as we had played four-handed here, his light movements and touches, his breath, his smile. Oh Bella, you are hopelessly lost. Do you want this?

Time passed in slow motion.

I went back to my room, grabbed the book and rocked in the new rocking chair.

Would I be able to reach Edward somewhere? What if I wanted to talk to him? Would I be allowed to contact him? What was that about the bird in the golden cage?

I couldn't concentrate on the book. Tears crept down my face again.

I felt so alone.

Laurent was all aflutter and that annoyed me even more.

Then the door opened and James came in.

I was terribly relieved.

When he looked at me, the smile on his face that he had brought me died and he immediately went down on his knees in front of me.

"What happened, my Princess?" he asked anxiously.

"Nothing really," I whispered, "I just felt so alone."

"Now I'm back. I only have to leave every two weeks. Wasn't Laurent good to you, Your Highness?" he asked gently.

"Yes, but he's not my James," I whispered.

James gently pulled me into his arms and I cried.

It felt good.

He exchanged a few words with Laurent in a language completely unknown to me and Laurent left the room.

"What can I do to make my Princess feel good again?" he then asked me.

"Nothing," I said, "I feel much better now."

Lunch came and I ate something, feeling myself relax again and definitely feeling better.

Shortly after that Edward came.

Would he now take the afternoon off every day?

"Well, everything okay with you?" he asked cheerfully and placed another rose in front of my nose.

"No. The Princess was not comfortable with Laurent, was in the bathroom most of the time or crying until I came back just now," said James, the old traitor.

Edward knelt down next to my chair.

"What happened?" he asked, looking at me so sweetly that my heart melted for him.

"Nothing," I said.

I dropped from my chair to my knees and just hugged him.

Quite firmly.

He returned the hug, held me and gently stroked my back.

Now I felt really good and at ease again.

"Isabella," he breathed in my ear.

"Edward?", I asked back quietly.

"Please, don't cry anymore. I can hardly stand it," he said.

"Can I actually call you when you're gone ... or wave a flag out the window? It's so frustrating to sit here when you're gone," I said, tears rolling again.

Edward gently wiped them away.

"But of course. I'll give you the number," he said, holding me until I calmed down and detached from him. "Shall we go for a walk for a bit?" he asked.

I nodded.

Getting out sounded good, getting out with him sounded really good.

He stood up, handed me his hand and pulled me up. Then he let his fingers go again, but I held him tight. He looked at me and smiled happily, closed his fingers gently around mine again, and so we went outside to the gardens.

James walked behind and had actually taken my cardigan with him, just in case.

I enjoyed the sun on my skin and in my heart that Edward's hand triggered in mine. But that I didn't reveal to him. The fact that he was allowed to hold my hand had to be enough for now.

"Do you like to tell me about yourself?" asked Edward.

"What do you want to know?", I asked.

"Everything," he said.

"It's best you ask, I don't like to tell people about myself," I said.

"Who are your parents?" he asked cautiously.

"My dad's name is Charlie. He's chief of police for Forks and Port Angeles. A good dad, actually. My mom is Renée, pretty moody, loopy and crazy. She taught music at the music school in Port Angeles. But she was never what a mother should be in my eyes. She was distant to me and self-centered to the rest of the world. I learned to play piano and harp with her, but it was always lessons ... not fun. I discovered the joy of music by accident myself in the process. Then about a year ago, she moved in with another man because Dad and I were boring her. I don't know where she is. She also said few nice things to me at the parting and so she should stay where the pepper grows. Dad couldn't handle it at all. He started drinking and was thrown out at the police. I couldn't help him, he didn't even notice me anymore. I called his friends on him, but that didn't help either. It was very frustrating for me. So I lost my father as well. Then about three months ago, I moved into the student dorm so I wouldn't have to see him every day anymore, because it was stressing me out."

"That sounds very sad," Edward said sympathetically.

"That was it," I said.

"Do you have any friends?" he then asked.

"Of course," I said.

"Many?" he asked.

"You want to know for sure, hmm ...?", I asked.

"Yes ... please," he said.

"Angela is my girlfriend. She also lives in the student dormitory, but because she's with Ben, I only had her to myself to a limited extent. Then there's Jessica. I often learned or did things together with her. But she is also exhausting. She jumps into bed with any man who has time at the moment and so my time with her was always limited. That's just not my style."

"And male friends?" he asked.

"So you want to know about my relationships?", I asked.

"Yeah, why not," he said sanctimoniously.

Men!

"Mike from my literature class was after me. He was nice, but not my kind of guy for a relationship. Eric and Ken are okay too, but also not my cup of tea. My only real boyfriend was named Tyler, but he emigrated with his family," I said.

"Do you miss him?" he asked softly.

It sounded like he was afraid of the answer.

I pondered.

"Hmm ... maybe a little. He was already very sweet and always there for me," I said.

He was silent.

"Go on, ask away?" I said.

"Did you have sex with him?" he then asked.

"Yes," I said "and he was always gentle and careful," I added.

That hit home.

"I always will be now," he whispered.

"I hope so," I said encouragingly, smiling at him and squeezing his hand.

"Will anyone miss you?" he asked.

"Yes, my dad will be very sad. Even if he drinks, he loves me. And now my death will probably make him completely unhappy. Now he has no one. Angela will miss me, too. My aunt in Florida will be sad and give my dad hell to make him feel worse. And Jake ... he'll be dead sad," I sighed.

"Who's Jake?"

"My friend since childhood. Our fathers are best friends, watch football and baseball together, fish every weekend. So Jake and I spent a lot of time together. But since I've been in college, less, of course. But still, he's going to miss me. We were like siblings."

"I'm very sorry about that," he said, affected.

I changed the subject.

"Are you going to take more time off now?", I asked.

"I'm trying," he said. "I placed an ad yesterday. I'm going to hire someone who can lighten my workload."

"To be able to be with me?", I asked in amazement.

"Yes," he said, giving me an embarrassed crooked smile.

"Thank you," I whispered. "I'm happy about that."

We were silent.

"I wish I could know what you're thinking," he then said.

"Well ... I guess everyone wishes they could read other people's minds for once," I said.

"I can read other people's minds," Edward said, "that's my gift."

Now I looked at him in played amazement, so as not to betray James.

"Gift?"

He nodded.

"Some vampires have a gift. I can hear other people's thoughts - just not yours," he said.

"Why not mine?", I asked.

"Unfortunately, I don't know that either. It fascinates me and frustrates me," he said.

I kept silent and was glad that I was now officially in the know.

"Can we take a break. I don't feel quite healthy yet," I said.

"Of course," Edward said, heading for a seating area in a rose garden.

There was a large wooden swing that had room for both of us.

"Swinging?" he asked.

"Yes," I nodded with a smile.

"Please put on your jacket first, Your Highness, there's partial shade here," James said, and since I was a little cold anyway, I gratefully put on the jacket.

I sat down on the warm wood and Edward sat down next to me. He rocked us gently - that was nice.

"Am I always going to be locked in this room now?", I asked quietly.

"Isabella, I'm not locking you up. You are a Princess and you have all the rights now. You can do whatever you want. Go out, go wherever you want. If you want, I'll buy you a car, then you can go wherever you want. There is only one problem. I ruined your old life, you can't have that back. You know too much about us now ... and the Volturi would kill you if you left here. You can therefore no longer contact your family or friends. But I don't want to force you to do anything. If you want to work or study, we will find a way. If you don't want me, you can have your own rooms. I won't force you to do anything, even to be with me," he said. "Although I would be deeply saddened by that," he then whispered anxiously.

I would not have expected that. So he let me go and free, as far as it would be possible in the Volturi framework. Sure, he couldn't help it in principle. He could have simply killed me like the other students. He had not done that - out of a crazy fascination for me. Why also always. Thus, on the one hand, he had given me life, but on the other hand, he had also taken away a piece of my life. I now had the choice to live here, whether with him or without him - or to die. There were no other possibilities for me. When I thought about it, I found it was nice to still be alive. Even though the start of our strange relationship didn't exactly go straight to heaven, I now had the feeling that something was growing between us. The man was handsome, rich, caring, and clearly head over heels in love with me. And I liked him. He was educated and loved the same things I did. What more did I want? He was a dream man. The only thing I wouldn't be able to do was sit around stupidly all the time waiting. I would have to change that.

Edward looked at me worriedly.

He was terribly afraid that I would decide against him.

I looked at him and got lost in his gaze.

Slowly I bent my face closer to his and kissed him once briefly on the lips.

He closed his eyes and was visibly pleased about this.

I leaned on his shoulder and we rocked.

"Was that a yes?" he then asked.

"Yes," I said simply.

"Thank you. You can't imagine the chunks of cement that are falling from my heart now. I was terrified of you leaving me," he admitted.

I stroked his leg.

"I will not leave you. I need you too," I whispered.

"That makes me very very happy," he said. "May I hold your hand and caress it?" he asked.

"Yes," I said, enjoying his tender touch.

The next two days passed with music, walks and talks. Edward was by my side as often as he could and held me at night. He didn't try to push me, kiss me, or otherwise touch me. We met Rose and Grace and I got to know them both better. I liked them. Our chess game went on in stages and amused us. James mothered me incessantly and never took his eyes off me for a second. And I felt good.

I had just finished lunch when Edward came in and sat down next to me.

"Hi, my Princess, I got you a cell phone."

He slid a small bright pink cell phone across the table to me.

I had never owned one before. Edward explained the functions to me and had already saved the numbers of his parents and siblings. In addition to his cell phone number, I now had that of his secretary and the extension number of his desk.

"Plus, you can use it as an iPod. I've already put a few songs on it that I was sure you'd like. You can add to it as you like ..."

"Thank you, that's totally great," I said.

"I'd love to. I expect at least one text message every day now that you miss me," he smirked.

"Okay, if that's the case, then I'll write that. But who knows, maybe I'll write you less nice things!", I said cheekily and he smirked.

"Edward?", I then asked.

"Hmm ...?"

"I want to continue studying."

His face became serious.

"Do you think I could do distance learning and study and write from here via the Internet?", I asked.

Relief spread across his face.

"We'll buy you your own PC and then sign you up right away," he said.

No questions, no considerations, he just said yes.

I hugged him tightly.

"Thank you. Then I have a meaningful task that gives me a result. A goal in mind," I said.

"Yeah, I think that's good too. You'll feel better about it," he said understandingly and James smiled happily in the background. "Isabella, I have to go hunting. I'm leaving tomorrow with my brothers," he then said.

"How long will you be gone?", I asked.

"Two days, I'm afraid. We have to go further than the animal blood drinkers," he said.

"Couldn't you switch to animal blood too?" I asked sadly.

"No, unfortunately not at the moment. We are the executing Volturi, we have to be strong. Unfortunately, this is the only way to gain the necessary strength for it. Do you hate me for it now?" he asked worriedly.

"No," I said.

I couldn't. I needed him, that much was clear to me, and I would love him with these faults. There was no other way.

"Thank you," he breathed, stroking my hand. "I'll try to get back as soon as I can."

I nodded and was already sad.

We walked in the garden and talked about distance learning and how that would work.

"Would you have let me study in Olympia or something?", I asked.

Edward stopped, gently pulled me by the shoulders in his direction and looked at me.

"Isabella, you are not my property. You can study wherever you want, just not in Port Angeles. I'll get you papers, a new identity, anything you need. But I'm being honest. I feel more comfortable with the distance learning idea because then I know you'll be safe here. Please promise me one thing. Never leave the compound without a Volturi or James. Please!"

I looked at him lovingly.

So he would really let me go. That was good to hear.

"I promise you that. I feel comfortable with James by my side!", I said.

And I was aware that this sentence would also please James.

"Hi ... finally I get to see you both as well," a light female voice called out and at the same moment a small, petite, dark-haired woman stood in front of me.

Her hair was wild and short. She was very beautiful and radiated an energy that made me stagger back.

"I'm Alice," she squeaked, and I laughed.

"Hi ... I'm Bella!"

"Nice to finally meet you," she said, giving me a quick hug.

Behind her stood a guard. He bowed to us.

Jasper now came sauntering up and bowed slightly to me.

"Princess Isabella, how nice to see you again!" he said with a smile.

"My goodness, Jasper, you're always so forbiddenly stiff. She's one of us, after all. Can't you loosen up for once!" said Alice reprovingly.

"Good afternoon, Jasper," I said.

"To you I can be more casual, because you are a tomboy, but Isabella is a true Princess," he winked.

"Oh, and I'm not one! Not worthy enough... or what?" asked Alice, looking at him threateningly.

"That's exactly how it is", Jasper said dryly, and Alice said, "YOUUUU!" and went for him.

The two playfully fought with each other for a while, laughing merrily.

They were a beautiful couple and Jasper's look was so full of love for her that it warmed my heart.

We strolled on together.

"You can come visit me sometime," Alice said to me encouragingly.

"And where do I find you?", I asked.

"James knows where my chambers are," she said.

"I'd love to," I said. "Are you going hunting with the others?" I asked her.

"No, I only drink animal blood, I don't need to go that far for that," she said. "What have you done to Edward. It's like he's been transformed. He's smiling!" she said, staring at Edward.

"He never did that before?", I asked in wonder.

"No, he was always serious, matter-of-fact and seemed sad," Alice said sympathetically.

I looked at Edward and he looked at me. Happy and gentle.

"Have you gone as far as the waterfall yet?" she then asked.

"Waterfall?", I asked back in amazement.

"Yes - so don't, then come!"

She took my hand and pulled me away from Edward and I had to follow her in a endurance run.

My nerves. We ran through the estate, I had no idea where to go.

"Alice, please let her catch her breath in between," Edward called out and the men were now running after us.

After a while I heard water rushing and sure enough, a river ran across the property and then dropped steeply down a rock.

We could watch the spectacle from the side and it was beautiful. The water made quite a lot of noise, the spray jumped very high and glittered colorfully in the daylight.

Edward was suddenly standing behind me.

"Do you like it?" he asked.

"Yes, it's beautiful," I said.

I felt his breath on my nape and smelled him.

He beguiled me. I would have loved to turn around and kiss him. But not in front of so many people.

Afterwards we went back and Alice told so much that my head was buzzing.

At the palace we parted ways and said goodbye.

"What a bundle of energy!", I said to Edward and he laughed.

"Yes, she is ... an adorable one!"

I nodded.

I ate my supper and then we played some piano and harp.

I quickly made another move and I already knew I was going to win.

After that I had a quick shower and went to bed.

Edward asked, as he did every night, if he could hold me and I allowed him, of course, because I slept much more peacefully when he was there. I dreaded the next two days alone.

I closed my eyes and inhaled his smell.

How could a man smell so delicious.

His fingers circled gently over my arm.

Slowly I straightened up and looked at him.

He looked at me.

Oh God, that crackled, I was tingling all over.

I slid higher and gently pressed my lips to his.

He held very still and I kissed him gently several times. Then I pushed my tongue against his lips and he immediately let me into his mouth. Tenderly I touched his tongue and very gently his tongue caressed mine.

I can not even describe how gentle and beautiful this kiss was. Loving, tender and erotic.

I put my hands on the side of his head and stroked him, feeling his hair and he stroked over my back very lightly.

I sensed that he was holding back a lot and didn't want to do anything wrong.

At some point I needed a break, detached myself from him and put my face to his neck.

He smelled so delicious.

"If you only knew how I love you," he breathed.

"What do you love about me?", I asked.

"I love your sweet look. You can look at me so gently that my senses get confused. I love your small delicate hands when they touch me and leave warmth on my skin. I love your beautiful body and your graceful movements. I love when you play the piano or harp and are so focused on it that you forget the world around you. I love your intelligence, how you get into books and analyze, quote and inhale them in your mind. I love your voice, soft and bright, especially when you say 'Edward'. I love your courage and sensitivity and honesty. And I love that you forgive me old ass and give me a chance. Isabella, I love you and would give my life for you."

What a declaration of love. He really loved me, not just my looks and the sex he imagined, but me as I was.

I lifted my head and looked at him. I gently explored his face with my finger, carefully tracing every bit of skin and was touched by his beauty, the coolness of his skin and the gentleness with which he eyed me.

Once again I kissed his lips and explored his mouth.

He caressed and held me, returned the kiss and visibly enjoyed it. Tenderly our tongues played with each other and I felt so close to him, so intimately connected.

When I slowly withdrew, he gave me small gentle kisses and I smiled at him.

I lay back in the crook of his arm and caressed his chest through his T-shirt.

At some point I fell asleep and dreamed of him.

Now it was soft dreams, tender kisses and caresses. That's how I could imagine our relationship. Good night, Edward, I love you too, but I can't say it yet.