I nervously walked up to Peeta's room long after he'd stormed out of the dining car. I poked my head silently into his room. He laid on his bed in silence staring at the ceiling. Guilt crept into the pit of my stomach. I'd been weighted down by more and more of that lately. First, for risking the lives of my family, my friends all because I wanted to die. I gave up in that arena all that time ago. I promised Prim I'd try to win. I made it all the way to the finale, it was just myself and Peeta left. Peeta.
My head spun when the thought that I should've been strong enough to take his life when the announcement was made we couldn't both be victors. The Careers I had no issue killing. They were merciless, vicious, cruel. The Games meant nothing deeper than a medal of honor. All of the people sliced apart for pride. Beyond that, I never once sought them out. Every drop of blood on my hands was forced.
Had I notched that arrow, had I let it pierce his flesh, would things be different? President Snow wouldn't have put a bounty on my loved ones' heads. The thought made the already tight knots in my stomach burn.
I shook my head. No, keeping Peeta safe was the right thing to do. We hadn't spoken more than mere sentences in months, yet I couldn't bear the idea of him gone from my life. I needed him in the most complex way imaginable. The star-crossed lovers was an act. We operated in less of a relationship than friends despite the conversation from the first day of the tour, yet this boy was an integral piece of my life. We shared an experience together nobody else would understand or fathom.
Sure, there were other victors. But there was no one else in the world who slept next to me in a cave to keep warm. No one else who listened to Cato's screams for endless hours. No one else who trained with me, who saved me in the way that Peeta did.
It was this reason that I felt torn watching him fight his inner demons in silence all while staring at the ceiling.
"Peeta," I knocked on the side of his bedroom door. "Can we talk?"
Peeta sat up on his plush, Capital provided bed. He nodded his head to me, but the look on his face was grim.
I cautiously walked across the room and sat on the bed next to him. He watched me intently, but patiently waiting for what I needed to get out. I opened my mouth and started multiple times, but words failed me.
"I-" my voice broke again, and I took a deep breath to find myself. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry," was the best I could muster.
Peeta's eyes flicked down to the gold colored blankets and back up again at me, a grin breaking at the corner.
My cheeks burned and my eyes flashed down to my hands that were now picking for nonexistent loose threads from my tan, silk nightgown. I started to speak again, eyes still dowturned, but I couldn't get anything out.
"It's not your fault, Katniss." He simply said. "I know you're just trying to protect the people you love."
"I want to protect you too, Peeta. It's what we do, we protect each other," I finally looked back up to meet Peeta's gaze. "I know I'm not your first pick for a wife," Not good at deep talks, I tried to break the tension with a joke.
Peeta chuckled. This time, his cheeks reddened and he glanced over at the cream colored wall before making his way back to me.
"It's not that," Peeta let out another huff of air. "I knew everything would change, I just didn't realize how fast. I've always thought marriage was a pretty big leap from just learning your favorite color," He teased the same way I did.
"What, you miss not getting a first date?" I raised my eyebrows at him.
Peeta laughed again. "No, nothing like that." He paused, for once seemingly unsure of his own words. "I just think we're going about it all wrong. The big stuff makes sense, but we're not selling the actual being in love part. We're trying to portray a love story, but we keep missing the little stuff."
"I'm not very good at romance, I wouldn't even know what the little stuff is."
Peeta offered me a small smile. "It's okay, I know."
I felt defeated. There wasn't a romantic fibre in my being. I didn't have any experience or my own version of romance to try to go off of. I had to try, though. Lives were on the line.
"You've done all this before, right?" I nervously asked him.
"I can assure you, I most certainly have never done any of this before," he laughed off as if I'd lost my mind.
"No, I-," My voice broke and my cheeks started to burn again, but much warmer at what I was trying to get out. "I meant the romance. You've been with girls before, haven't you? I- from what I saw back home-"
"Oh," Peeta's eyes grew large and he cut off my rambling. "I've been with one girl before, but it didn't end well."
Peeta shifted and turned his eyes away for a second to recover.
"Uh oh, what happened?" I smiled at his uneasiness. "You did say friends talk about the deep stuff."
Peeta rolled his eyes, a big smile creeping onto his face too. "We just grew apart, I hate to say it wasn't more exciting."
I shook my head at his dull love story before I remember my line of questioning. My eyes fell again, and this time, I couldn't force myself to look back up.
"What is it, Katniss?" Peeta's voice now thick with concern.
"You said we keep missing the little stuff..." I trailed off.
"I did, but it'll be alright," He tried to reassure me.
"You could teach me," I mumbled.
"Katniss, I'm not sure that's something that can be taught in a night."
"We could practice," I finally looked up, my voice barely above a whisper.
Peeta's eyes were still sympathetic when he asked, "How do you want to practice?"
I shrugged and tried to pick at my gown again. "You could kiss me,"
I could feel the heat from Peeta's stare. "You want me to kiss you?"
"No, nevermind, it was stupid," I shake my head furiously, moving on the bed to leave.
As I was about to stand up, Peeta gingerly grabbed my chin and brought it up to his lips. The kiss was soft, as if I was glass that might shatter with too much force. He slowly broke away. Once his eyes were open, they never left mine.
He cleared his throat and smirked at me. "Lesson one: the best way to kiss someone is always by surprise."
I looked back into his blue eyes, down to his pink lips, and back up again. I didn't know what I was doing until it happened. I hand one hand in the back of his hair, the other cupped his cheek, and I pulled him forward again. This kiss was different than the first. It was hungry.
A fire sparked in the pit of my stomach. His hands caressed my face, one slid down the side of my arm until it landed on the small of my back. His mouth worked in a frenzy with mine to fit the curve of my lips.
For a second, I thought back to Gale. When he pulled me in for a kiss before we left. His kiss had so many words beneath them. I knew how he felt about me. Yet, I couldn't force myself to feel the same way. He was my oldest friend, and in a lot of ways, one of the most loyal. This kiss was different, though. Peeta held me tight, but I knew I was not bound to him. I wasn't stuck in his arms if I decided I didn't want this anymore. There was a hunger in Peeta's movements, but it didn't quiet the desire for me to feel safe, and free at the same time.
Peeta's tongue grazed my bottom lip a moment before I opened my mouth wider to allow him in. Our tongues danced together. He tasted sweet. As the kiss continued to intensify, I slowly leaned back until he was hovering over me. My back pressed against the pillows.
Peeta pulled away slowly and rested his forhead on mine and our noses touching, his breathing heavy. "We should stop," he whispered.
"We probably should," I nodded, my eyes drifted down.
A strange feeling swirled in my stomach. I didn't want to stop. Not just for simple lust, or being swept up in our practice romance. My eyes stung, but I refused to let them fall. Peeta saw through me anyways.
"Hey," he lifted my chin to meet his eyes.
"It's nothing," I shook my head trying to muster a small smile.
"No, it's definitely something." Peeta gave me a soft, but stern look telling me he wasn't going to let go of it that easy.
"It's just," I started, losing my voice in the process, tears burning again. I strengthened my resolve and looked back at him, almost embarrassed. "I don't want to confuse things, but with the threat of Snow hanging over both of our lives, I don't know that I'll ever get to do this. Even if it is just for practice, we could both be killed at any moment and I've never..."
My words trail off trying to explain my most complex doubts and fears. My cheeks burn again. Peeta and Haymitch planned interviews for him to make me desireable. Haymitch told me I could use all the help I could get, but I've never been truly desired. I've never fallen in love, not even with Gale. I've never been swept up in moments or snuck away to get lost with someone. Now, I may never get to.
Peeta let out a deep breath at me. He slowly pulled me back in for another kiss, a deep kiss. This kiss wasn't fiery like before. It was almost scared.
Peeta broke the kiss and looked deep into my eyes. He sighed and looked down at his hand on my shoulder.
"Katniss," He started, his words full of concern and hesitation. "You've never done what before?"
I sat up, flustered, almost bumping my head into Peeta's. He sat back and waited for me to answer.
"I've never done anything before," I mumbled.
"Well, I know that's not true. We kissed in the Games-"
"And it was my first kiss, Peeta!" I flung my arms up, frustrated, before burrying my face in my hands.
Peeta didn't speak for a long time. He sat up straight on his knees.
"That was your first kiss?" He asked quietly, his face perplexed.
I didn't answer, I just nodded my head slowly, my face still in my hands.
Peeta gently pried my fingers from my face and cupped my cheek with his hand when it was free. "If I had known that, I would've made it a lot better than what I did."
"You were dying from fever! Besides, does it even matter!?" I yelled back at his teasing.
Peeta let out a breath, considering something. He tangled his free hand in my loose, brown curls and tipped my head forward to kiss me.
He pulled away briefly and gave me a serious look. "Are you sure?"
At first, I was confused at what I was supposed to be sure about. Yes, I was sure that he was my first kiss, and yes I was certain it didn't matter. Then I realized what he was asking. Was I sure I wanted to give up my first time to him. That, I didn't know if I could answer. I didn't want it to be like this.
"Not like this, I don't want to force you," I mumbled out.
"You're not forcing me to do anything," He promised.
I looked at him for a minute before I found myself nodding.
Peeta nodded back at me. "I'll start slow, okay? If you want to stop-"
"No," I cut him off. "It's okay, I know. I'm ready."
Peeta checked my eyes one more time to make sure and then his lips met mine. He didn't lie, it was a slow start. We allowed the heat to rebuild in the kiss, and he laid me back gently againt the pillows.
Peeta moved his hand from my cheek and slowly, softly trailed his hand up my leg, to my knee, then to my thigh. His hand paused there before it continued up my side. He snaked over to my chest. My body tingled at his gentle touch.
He moved his mouth past my mouth down to my neck before his thumb made circles on my breast. I let out a sigh and ran my hands down his back. I lifted my hands under his night shirt and pulled it off over his head. Peeta's hand trailed back down my body to my thigh where he slid his fingers under the hem of my nightgown. With his knee, he nudged my legs apart just enough for his hand to rest on my inner thigh. Instead of going back up my body, his hand made its way to my center, and he moved his thumb up and down.
I let out a gasp at his movements, and I felt his hand stop.
"Is this okay?" His worried eyes met mine.
I nodded my head at him, almost frantically as my body ached for more of his touch.
Peeta smiled and moved his head to kiss my neck again, but he didn't stop there. His hand came up to pull down the top of my gown and he cupped my bare breast. His tongue danced down my throat to my exposed chest.
"Oh, Peeta!" I gasped again, tangling my fingers in his hair as he sucked on my chest.
I felt his smile in his kiss at the noises that escaped me. All while his lips were circled around my chest, his hand moved back down to underneath my gown again. This time, he pulled at my panties until they were past my feet and then on the floor.
He looked up to place both hands on my face and gave me a serious look.
"You've never done this before, so I have to warm you up, okay?"
Again, I nodded, nervous about what he was going to do. His eyes locked on mine, he placed his hand back on my now bare center, his fingers dancing around the entrance for a few moments before I felt one go in. My stomach tensed at his movements, slow in and out at first.
"You're so tight, Katniss," He spoke breathlessly, barely above a whisper.
At his words, I started to feel insecure before a moan escaped my lips without thinking, and a knot began to grow in my stomach. He gradually moved in and out faster and I bucked my hips with his motions.
Just before the knot seemed almost ready to explode, Peeta slowed and pulled his hand out. I felt empty, hollow. I lifted my head from the pillows and looked at him, trying not to let the disappointment show that it was over.
Until Peeta looked up at me and asked, "Are you ready?"
I nodded my head, trying the catch my breath and quell the throbbing between my thighs. Peeta sat up enough to slide off his brown pants and his underwear. Instinct told me to look away. I'd never seen a man exposed this way. Invaded privacy was expected in Capital life, but this was much different. My eyes lowered briefly before I couldn't resist the urge to watch him, to take everything in entirely.
He leaned above me, his other hand caressed my cheek and cupped my face. "This is going to hurt, just for a little bit, I can't help it. I'll be as gentle as I can. Are you sure about this, Katniss?"
"It's okay, I can do it." I nodded reassuringly in an attempt to hide my nerves.
"You promise you're sure?" He raised an eyebrow at me with concern.
"Yes, I'm sure!" I said confidently, desperate to feel him again.
He mumbled a quick, "Okay," before placing himself in front of my entrance.
It felt hard, yet soft at the same time. Peeta laced his fingers with mine. I couldn't deny my apprehension. He felt like it was going to hurt bad enough that I'd need a hand to squeeze.
As Peeta started to slowly push himself inside, I understood. How could something so large fit inside such a small hole? The more he pushed, the tighter he fit. Once he slid the whole way inside, I gripped his hand and winced. It felt like a pinch, but a very very hard pinch. The kind of pinch you wonder if you'll wake up with bruises the next morning.
Peeta let out a moan, but he smoothed my hair back and caressed my face all the while. "Are you okay?"
"I just need a second," I breathed out.
Peeta nodded in understanding and stayed perfectly still until I recovered.
"I'm okay," I tangled my fingers in his sandy blonde hair.
Ever so careful, Peeta pulled back and slowly thrust forward again. After a few times like this, my body relaxed around him and my hips began to move in rythm with his. Once he determined I was okay, he began to go faster and faster.
"Katniss!" Peeta groaned out.
I panted and moaned in response. The knot in my stomach returned and doubled. He reached down and kissed me feverishly. He broke the kiss only to moan into my mouth before he pressed his lips back down to mine. It didn't take much longer until the knot was ready to explode. I gripped Peeta's shoulder when I felt it bubbling over with a moan I was only aware of its volume after the fact. Peeta groaned out my name a final time when I suddenly felt warm inside.
My body relaxed as Peeta slowly pulled himself out of me. Once he caught up with his breathing, he leaned forward to kiss my forehead before planting a gentle kiss on my lips.
"You're okay?" He asked. "Was it okay?"
"Yes," I smiled up at him. "It was good."
He rested his forehead on mine for a while, both of us still attempting to catch our breath. Peeta shifted to move the blankets over me first, then himself. He wrapped his arms around my hips and pulled me into his arms to lay back down.
"Was I okay for you?" I asked over my shoulder. "I know it was probably better with a girl more...experienced."
Peeta chuckled against me. "You were very good."
Peeta kissed my forehead before slumping back against the pillows. It didn't take long for sleep to take us, and for the first time since we left the arena, no nightmares came.