"Hunters, no matter how good they are, all end up the same way."
1.
Driving to Canada for a stranger's funeral was the most relaxed Dean had been in weeks. It helped that Sam was sleeping, so Dean was spared the sidelong glances full of concern. It also helped that he could tell Jody every single detail about killing Hitler. But mostly, it helped that Jody was there at all. Jody was family.
Still, he hadn't said anything to Jody about Mom. He couldn't bring himself to tell her that Mom had returned from the dead and immediately high-tailed it out of Dodge. Then Jody, who would have done anything for more time with her lost son, would see right through him and know that he wasn't okay. Not by a long shot.
2.
Driving north, Mary thought about the family legacy of hunting. It was inescapable. Even after meeting John, she hadn't been able to leave it behind: a powerful demon had targeted her, killed her parents, and nearly killed John. Her deal to save John had led to her own death and exposed her baby Sam to dark forces. Hunting had destroyed her family. But decades later, her boys were hunters, and she still felt its pull- even though she knew its dangers. Look at her, look at John. Look at Asa Fox.
Mary had saved Asa from a werewolf when he was a young boy. Her maternal instincts had kicked in when she heard about a werewolf preying on young victims. Dean was just a year old, and she had never left him before, but she told John she needed to help an old friend. It felt good to get back out there, end the werewolf's reign of terror, and safely return Asa home. But standing in Asa's driveway, she wondered what would have happened to Dean had she died out there. She knew then that she had to retire. Other hunters could fight the monsters; no one else could be Dean's mother.
Now, decades later, she was driving back to where she'd once walked away from hunting – for the funeral of the boy she'd once saved. A boy who had grown into a legendary hunter. It was a reminder of a hard truth: no matter how good, hunters always ended up the same way.
3.
Jody had no idea how she ended up driving with Sam and Dean to Asa's funeral — they didn't even know Asa. The boys had just shown up at her door, and she'd been happy to see them, especially after hearing about Sam's run-in with some British asshats. Sam looked tired and a little thin, but it was Dean who worried her. Dean was doing the "Dean thing" – being silly to avoid some emotion he was trying to bury. He rambled on about killing Hitler while Sam made extra efforts to tease him, so Jody knew that Sam was worried, too.
As they drove, Jody thought about Asa Fox. He had been a good hunter and an even better man. Like most hunters she knew, he deserved a better fate than the one he got. They had trusted each other with their hunting "origin stories." Asa had told her about the woman hunter who had saved him from a werewolf as a child. In return, Jody had told him about the hunters who had helped her with her son. Asa was a good listener. But she had never told him those hunters were Sam and Dean Winchester. The boys were the subject of a great deal of gossip – and gossip among hunters could be dangerous. She just hoped the others would behave when she showed up with them.
No one wanted two pissed-off Winchesters.
4.
Sam had hoped a little side trip to Jody's would cheer Dean up, would cheer both of them up. Instead, they were on the way to a funeral. Supporting Jody meant everything to Sam; besides Ellen, Jody was the only "mom" he'd ever truly felt close to. He'd been there when she lost everything – her son (for a second time) and her husband – but still managed to save many in her town, including Bobby and Dean. He was amazed at her resilience and ability to nurture the lost souls she met along the way: Alex, Claire, and, if he were honest, himself. Jody had seen him at some of his lowest lows, including when he had been held together by little more than duct tape and safety pins. Her support was unconditional. Jody was the only person besides Dean that he trusted completely.
He wanted to tell Jody about Mom, but Dean hadn't said anything, so Sam kept quiet, too. He'd been worried about Dean since Mom left – Dean had been drinking late into the night, moping about, and being a complete ass. He had not seen Dean like this since Bobby died and Dean spiraled into a dark hole. Sam knew that Dean felt betrayed by Mom's leaving. On top of his own feelings about Mom's departure, Sam felt guilty watching Dean struggle with her decision, knowing that he, too, long ago had left Dean. So, he decided to be patient and not push. He believed that Dean would understand Mom's decision with time.
5.
They stopped to get gas, and Jody ran into the store for snacks. Sam was asleep. Lately, he napped more in the car, probably because he got up early to run. Some nights, Dean could hear Sam getting up just as he was heading to bed. And Sam wasn't eating enough to keep up with all that running. Dean asked Jody to get extra of the healthy snacks that Sam ate. Who ate trail mix and pumpkin seeds when there was chili-lime beef jerky? Dean shook his head, his lame-ass brother.
While waiting for Jody, Sam started talking in his sleep, a childhood habit he never fully outgrew. He used to sleepwalk - getting up and wandering around, with no memory of it the next day. Dean smiled, remembering how he'd once gotten Sam to change his shirt while asleep so he could enjoy Sam's total confusion the next morning. Then, Sam's quiet voice cut through the memory.
"Close your eyes."
It wouldn't have meant anything to anyone else – but it shattered him.
6.
Crossing the Canadian border, Mary wondered how to face her boys again. Dean wouldn't even look at her when she said goodbye. He'd texted later, but how could he think she did not want him to call her "Mom"? And then there was Sam. How had he made it back from Hell, still holding onto his humanity and kindness, while she returned from Heaven feeling empty and alone? More importantly, she wondered what mother would feel this way when given more time with her children. Had she returned a monster?
But she knew she had to leave. She missed the babies they used to be. Mary needed to mourn the young family she once had before she could embrace the grown men her babies had become.
She needed time and space from them to fully love them as the men they are now.
7.
Sam woke when Jody returned to the car, offering snacks. He wasn't hungry but took the trail mix anyway – Dean would bug him if he didn't.
He'd been dreaming about Charlie's funeral—the last hunter's funeral he'd attended. It had been one of the worst days of his life. It was just him and Dean, but by then, the Mark of Cain had overtaken Dean. Still, hearing him say, "I think it should be you up there, not her," had gutted Sam because it was exactly how he'd felt. He missed Charlie.
After Charlie's death, Sam and the Mark of Cain battled for Dean's soul. The Mark nearly killed Sam, but in the end, Dean would not let it. Sam and Dean had never spoken of it since. What words needed to be said? They both knew that Sam would risk it all and lay down his life for his brother and that Dean would kill anyone or anything to protect Sam.
Yet, "Close your eyes, Sammy," echoed in his head like a perverse lullaby – a threat, a hope, an insidious promise. In his brother's voice.
Other things had been stuck in Sam's head lately, too. That British bitch had played with his mind more than he wanted to admit, "Shall we begin?" she had asked, triggering memories he'd long ago buried. "What game should we play next, Sammy? Bunk Buddy? Should we skin you alive next? Or break all your bones? You pick. I just want you to enjoy yourself." Some nights, Lucifer's true face haunted his dreams, waking him drenched in sweat and disoriented about where he was. When that happened, he would get up and go for a run, trying to pound away the memories with each step. Those runs were getting longer, and his sleep was getting shorter.
Sam had started reciting poetry and verse in his head to keep his brain occupied and away from the Cage and the voices. He loved Shakespeare, Dickinson, and Eliot, but he stayed away from Plath. His current favorite to recite as he ran was Kipling:
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too:
Sam could feel himself fraying at his edges, but he had to keep it together to watch over his brother, who was unraveling fast.