Chapter 84
Mama's Boys

She could see them, but they couldn't see her, like she wasn't actually there but she was witnessing it all, like a ghost. Two little boys, in their cribs, under tall trees with colorful leaves ruffled by the wind. They were crying for her, but she wasn't there. She wouldn't come. She couldn't. She hadn't coped the way she was supposed to, and now it had been decided that she couldn't be their mother anymore. They cried, and they cried, and whether or not they were big enough to call her name, she knew, she…

Maya started awake. Where was she? Oh… Right… The waiting room… Her mother had just dropped her off at Dr. Eisley's office, and now she was waiting for her turn. The only other person in the room was a woman, quietly reading a magazine, and Maya was glad she didn't look up as she sat there, trying to collect herself after that… small sort of nightmare. It wasn't new. She'd been having it now for a couple of nights, ever since she'd made the appointment to come here today. Suddenly, there'd been this thought in her like what if she told her story to this woman and in return she went and decided the boys had to go somewhere else, that they needed to be taken away, from her, from Lucas…

It was silly, she knew, or… she believed… It wasn't that bad, was it? Oh, was it? Should she have prevented running the risk or would it be a bigger risk if she didn't go?

The ride from the house to the office had been quiet. Maya had been so sure she'd fall asleep as soon as they started to roll, but no… She was wide awake. She was exhausted, yes, but sleep didn't care, left her to sit and lie wherever she gave herself over to resting, left her with her thoughts. And if it did take her and let her sleep, well… then there were the nightmares.

"Do you want me to come in? In the waiting room, or…" her mother asked when they pulled up to the office. Dr. Eisley practiced out of her home, her office set up in a refurbished garage.

"No, that's alright, I… Can you come and get me when I'm done?"

"Sure thing, baby girl," Katy nodded. "I won't be far, text me when you're ready."

She could tell her mother wanted to say so much more. If it were up to her, Katy would keep by her side the whole way, into the office, holding her hand through the appointment… It was a mark of how they had both grown, of how she acknowledged her daughter's not being a child anymore, that she never wavered from giving her the choice and respecting it.

"Thanks, Mom," she quietly told her, and Katy allowed herself the reach for her daughter's hand, giving it a quick squeeze.

"Anytime."

She walked into the waiting room and checked in with a woman she soon learned was Dr. Eisley's sister. She acted as her receptionist and gave the immediate impression that this was a very laidback sort of practice, which Maya appreciated. She had dreaded the thought of having to walk into some hospital or clinic somehow, but this place felt like… Actually, the first thought Maya had was that it reminded her of Professor Robinson's home, which had so much art in it, never chaotic, always organized, but never feeling like some museum where you had to keep a distance and where you could almost hear your steps echo off the floor. The Professor encouraged you to get right up close, really immerse yourself, and that was what Dr. Eisley's office felt like… or her waiting room, at least, though Maya imagined the office itself would feel that way, too.

Maybe for that, once she'd taken a seat, in next to no time, she'd fallen asleep. There'd been the nightmare anyway, but that was hardly the décor's fault. Looking at the time, she couldn't have been asleep more than ten minutes. The doctor was still in with a patient, but she should have been done soon, and then it would be her turn. This realization made her wonder if the woman with the magazine was here to see the doctor, too, or if she was accompanying whoever was inside.

She got her answer a few minutes later, when the office door opened and Dr. Eisley stepped out, a young girl just ahead of her. The woman put the magazine down at once and moved to join them, so this must have been her daughter. She spoke quietly to the girl, likely telling her to go and sit while she spoke with the doctor, going from how her daughter marched off to sit on one of the handful of chairs in the waiting room. Dr. Eisley and the woman went into the office, speaking quietly and eventually closing the door.

Maya tried to return the favor, minding her own business without spying at the girl. Still, what little she'd seen of her said a lot already. She couldn't have been more than twelve, thirteen, and her whole posture suggested that if it wasn't the first time ever she'd sat with the doctor, it was still relatively new to her. She was uncomfortable, and Maya considered whether she might try and say something or if it would only make her that much more self-conscious.

Her phone chimed and she pulled it from her pocket. Lucas had kept up his promise, sending a picture of the boys. It looked as though he was crouching, holding Elliott up with one arm around his waist, so he might be able to see into the bassinet they kept in the living room, for Noah. The baby was lying in it now, over his blanket, and there was his older brother, looking down at him. Maya took a breath, feeling at once warmed by the image and reminded of her nightmare. No, she wasn't going to let bad dreams warp her perception like that…

Maya: Thank you. Needed that.

Lucas: My grandfather is baking. He won't let me in the kitchen, but I think it's going well.

She smiled, picturing Pappy Joe back there. He'd asked her where the manual was for her stand mixer, the night before. Now she knew why, and she looked forward to the results.

A soft thump made Maya look up. The girl had pulled a thick book from her bag, but it had now fallen to the ground, nearer to Maya's feet than hers, so she leaned over, picked it up and returned it.

"Thanks," the girl told her. She looked like she might have averted her eyes now but, noticing that Maya wasn't too much older than her, she relaxed a bit.

"You're welcome," Maya nodded, then, "How is she? Dr. Eisley? It's my first time."

"She's nice, I guess," the girl told her, setting her book in her lap before removing her headband and pushing it through her long jet-black hair again, even though it had been perfectly fine already, possibly a nervous tick of hers.

"But you'd rather not be here," Maya guessed, and the girl shook her head. "Yeah, I get that," she sighed, looking down to her phone. But I need to be… for me and for them.

"Did they force you to come, too?" the girl asked.

"No, I…" Maya started to say, when the office's door opened again and Dr. Eisley and the mother stepped out again.

"Ariel, let's go," the woman nodded to her daughter, her smile reminding Maya of her own mother's smile, when she'd dropped her off.

The girl, Ariel, collected her things and stood, taking a moment to wave to Maya, a silent 'good luck in there' before following her mother out of the garage. It was just them now. The receptionist was off in her corner, doing her own thing, and the doctor turned her attention on to her next patient, while her next patient… felt about as old as her previous for a few seconds.

"Maya, hello," the woman came forward, offering a hand and a smile. Maya returned the handshake with a nod. "I'm Dr. Eisley, you can call me Doctor, Doc, Mallory, Eisley, any combination you feel comfortable with."

"I'll see which one that is," Maya promised.

"Good," the woman smiled on. "You know, I'm sure we must have seen one another at your in-laws' house one Christmas or another," she stated, leading the way to her office.

"I think so, yeah," Maya agreed, now that she got a look at her. She couldn't say specifically when she would have been there, although one of those became clearer a moment later.

"I was there, Christmas before last, when you and Lucas made your announcement, or announcements, I should say, the engagement and the baby." Now that she said it, Maya could sort of recall seeing Melinda Friar relaying the happy news to some friends of hers. She did remember a woman with short red hair, as Doctor Eisley had, mostly for having taken one look at her and thought 'ginger bob,' which had her laughing to herself now and then in the days and weeks that followed.

"Yeah, sounds familiar, now that I think about it," she nodded, rather than saying anything like that out loud. As first impressions went, it would not have been ideal. Already, she could see how the doctor was taking advantage of this very convenient ice breaker, to get the conversation started. Still, once she went and shut the office door, Maya felt a new pang of nerves.

"Now, of course, you've got a second boy along with the first. Melly is constantly talking about them," Doctor Eisley indicated for Maya to sit.

"Never heard anyone call her that before," Maya remarked, and the woman laughed.

"Goes back to a very specific era when we were in our teens, I guess. The stories I could tell you… But then that's not what we're here for, is it?" And there they were.

"Wouldn't mind hearing a few of those instead," Maya admitted, silence weighing down for a few seconds. "I… don't really know where to start, or… how…"

"There's no right or wrong way," the doctor promised, sitting across from her. Maya looked around the office now. She'd been right. The style definitely followed over from the waiting room. If she let herself be reminded of how she felt, being here, how it reminded her of Patty's house, maybe… maybe she could get through this.

When the appointment was over, as promised, Katy came to pick her up a few minutes after she'd texted. Maya suspected she'd finished her shopping a while ago, if she'd even gone at all, and had been parked in wait for the summons. She stepped out of the garage and got into the car, all the while writing home to let Lucas know she was headed back. She had known, even before she climbed into the car, what look she'd find on her mother's face. She would want to know that it had all gone well, but she would also feel unsure about bringing it up.

"Can you drive me again next week?" Maya asked her, and her mother accepted at once. "Might be a weekly thing for a while, you know, until I don't feel like I might fall asleep at the wheel if I drove."

"I will be there," Katy nodded. "And if I really can't, and I mean really, really can't, then there's your father, or the Friars…"

"I know," Maya nodded back, then, "Thank you." The look was still there as her mother smiled. "You don't have to tiptoe around me, you know? I know you're wondering how it went." Katy let out a breath, confirming as much. "I'm going back, aren't I?" Maya shrugged, and that was good enough for now.

Arriving back at the house, Maya leaned over the seats to hug her mother, thanking her for this ride as much as the ones to follow. As she made her way up to the house, seeing the trio of bikes leaning to the porch rail, she remembered that her siblings would be there and had to pause, to just sort of consider what they did or didn't know, and how she would navigate their presence. It wasn't the same as with the grandparents, and it didn't even have to do with their being as young as they were. But it all stemmed back from this same loss they'd all suffered, and wasn't she supposed to be older, stronger? She was starting to sympathize with Sam's way of thinking, more than she'd anticipated.

More than anything though, the closer she got to the door, the thing that urged her onward was the thought of Elliott and Noah. Her older boy would see her and hug those little arms of his around her neck, and the little one would need to be fed almost right away… As much as she'd handled going away so much better than she'd done the first time with Elliott, it had sort of gotten to feel after a while like she was trying to convince herself that it was fine. Now she was back, and she needed to hold her sons.

Everything was a lot more peaceful than she'd anticipated when she walked through the door. It wasn't to say that she'd expected chaos, but then between her siblings, and the boys, and the dogs, and Lucas and Pappy Joe, she'd figured there would have been some noise straightaway.

Instead, there was the 'new baker,' sitting asleep on the couch with his TV buddy just waking up in his arms. Maya knew she had a very small window in which she could lift Elliott and get him to go back to sleep, and so she did, moving to head up the stairs as she hummed the lullaby and kept him close.

She was only starting to discover these feelings now, as she had her two sons to hold, and to look after… She was discovering how she could love them both in equal measures, even when it didn't feel as though she was. She would look to Elliott and she would think of how no matter whether they had just these two, or they had a third, a fourth… Seven tall sons… He would always have been the first, would always have existed in her heart the longest and been the one who had made a mother out of her.

None of this had been what either she or Lucas had planned for their future. They hadn't planned to start having their family when they were barely out of their parents' homes, where they were the children of the house. But then, as it tended to happen, events had gone and rearranged plans on them. They had gone from being in college, one of them on his way to being a veterinarian after many more years of study, one of them on her way to being an art teacher, a singer in a band, both of them looking in time to marry, yes, and have children, but not at twenty-two and twenty-three, with a second baby not even a year later. Actually, now that she thought about it, Lucas had been twenty-three at each birth, just barely at the first, and nearly through at the second.

Elliott would always have this special bond to him for being the first, no way around it, but then Noah… Oh, her little Bee… He was still so new, could hardly be described as anything more than a newborn, but in some ways she did feel like she knew who he was, who he might be in the future. There had always been something to him, same as Elliott, when he'd been in her belly, that felt sort of telling. And the impression it left on her was that he would have so much of his father in him, while Elliott was more like her. Sure, Elliott had some of Lucas in him, too, their sort of perfect mix, but he still very much felt like her. All the same, Noah felt so much like Lucas, but she knew there'd be something of her, too, the more he grew up.

For now, he was so little, and… and… Well, there was no way around it, he'd come in this time of turmoil in her life. But then even before he was born, she'd had a feeling like he couldn't have come at a better time. She would hold him in her arms, and she would feel so connected to her life, in ways only he could summon in her. Just how Elliott would always feel special for being the first, Noah would be special for how he made her feel there was still that strength in her, even when it felt so, so far away.

The first sound of a voice she found came from the nursery. Looking into the room, there were her little sisters, sitting on the ground in front of the bookshelves. They had only gotten fuller in the last year, although it could hardly be said that they had gotten very far in actually reading them to Elliott, when he wasn't a year old yet. Right now, Cara and Eliza were looking at those books that would have fit where the boy in her arms would be with his upcoming birthday. Cara was doing most of the debating, of course, while Eliza could only nod or shake her head or shrug.

"Hey," Maya spoke quietly and the girls looked up as one. Eliza bolted to her feet, moving to embrace her sister, and Maya smiled, returning the gesture with her free arm. "Where is everyone?" she asked, looking around. She spotted Lucas across the hall, asleep on the bed, which left...

"Sam is in Pappy Joe's room with the baby," Cara whispered. "I can take him," she nodded to Elliott. Maya carefully passed him over and he remained asleep.

"How long has he been sleeping?" Maya asked, indicating Lucas.

"Not long. We talked him into it," Cara told her while Eliza nodded.

"Thanks," Maya chuckled, clasping one hand with each of them in turn.

Leaving the girls to Elliott and the books, she continued on down the hall. As she approached, she found herself slowing to a stop, the better not to be detected, as she heard... She felt like smiling and crying all at once. Sam... singing their father's lullaby, for Noah. It was very quiet, but... She forgot sometimes how naturally gifted he was as a singer, too. At this point she had to imagine all five of them would have inherited their father's musicality. She'd heard a lot from her sisters, and Wyatt was still little, but given time, who knew? Sam though, he would deny his abilities, until any proof of it came as little more than a fluke or a very isolated revelation. Right now... It was just him and Noah, and it felt like the right time, so there it was.

She had meant to announce herself, allowing him the liberty to pretend as though nothing had happened, but then she'd shifted from one foot to the other, and the floor had creaked, and she was busted.

"Maya?" Sam asked.

"How did you know it was me?" she asked, walking into the room proper. Sam was sitting on the recliner, Noah cradled in the crook of his arm, sound asleep.

"Heard someone coming up the stairs before, and it didn't sound like an old man with a bad leg," he explained, standing up now and bringing her the baby. It was just as she'd thought before. Noah was back in her arms and she felt a new surge in her heart and mind.

"Can I say something even though I know you usually try and brush it off? It felt really good to hear you just now," Maya told her brother.

There was that burst of shyness in him, but he didn't give anything like a shrug, didn't change the subject. All this told her, in this moment, was maybe he was aware something was up with her and he was letting her have it because she suggested that it had helped.

"I went to see someone today," she confided, and as she'd expected, she didn't need to say anything more for him to understand what she meant. He received this and responded with a nod. Good. A part of her would have wanted to suggest he come along one of these days, but this was really not up to her to decide.

Sam went downstairs to wake Pappy Joe so they could start on dinner together, while Maya carried the barely awakened Noah to the master bedroom, sitting in the rocking chair so she might feed him. It would have been so easy to fall asleep here, and she certainly didn't lack the need for it, but these moments with Noah had been as important to her as they had been when it was Elliott in her arms. After today, to be back here again, with her Bee, her little Cupid boy... She did not want a wink of sleep.

Once Noah was settled down in his crib, she silently went to the bed, sitting and then lying down, facing toward the sleeping Lucas. His face said so much here, she felt. On his birthday, her husband looked absolutely spent, with exhaustion, with worry...

He woke under the careful trace of her fingers along his brow. He saw her, and he drew her nearer. She kissed him, and for a moment there were no troubles in their lives, not a single one, just happiness, and love...

"I'm going back next week," Maya whispered, and Lucas looked at once relieved. If she was going back, then it had gone well enough.

Lying here this way, in whispers which closed the world down to just the two of them, she told him about her session with Doctor Eisley. He was the only one she ever would, in the weeks to follow, which in itself became part of the process she went through in dealing with everything she had been feeling, both recent and far in the past. As to this first session, it might not have felt as though they did a great deal, but it was a start, a necessary one. There was no telling how it would come into play with her nights, though Maya and Doctor Eisley knew it was the most pressing matter on the agenda.

That night, joined by the rest of the Harts, they had dinner, a small celebration for Lucas' birthday before they went to his parents' house over the weekend. The whole thing was topped off with Pappy Joe's cake, and though it would hardly be worthy of some shop window, it tasted very good, and it ended the night with much needed laughter.

TO BE CONTINUED

See you next week! - mooners