2018 CS Part 2
"I've seen so many people waiting for news as a midwife. Now I'm waiting for news of my own. I have more sympathy for them than I had ever imagined." Sister Julienne says as they sat together on the rocky beach, watching May pick up rocks in a pail. Shelagh waves at the little girl.
"I'm worried we won't hear the bell when it rings to announce that the vote has been declared." Shelagh admits to the nun beside her.
"Maybe I don't want to. Maybe I simply want to stretch this moment out and make it last. Fill it with things I have chosen." Sister Julienne comments before looking down, her frigid hands clasping to her knees. She glances back out to the sea.
"If you could choose one thing now, what would it be?" Shelagh asks a little hesitantly. Sister Julienne looks at her friend, slightly delighted by the question.
"A cigarette." Sister Julienne replies automatically, with a grin.
"Oh." Shelagh replies with a giggle and a raise of her eyebrows.
"I mean it Shelagh." Sister Julienne replies with a growing grin. Shelagh digs in her purse between them, eventually pulling out a pack of Henleys. Sister Julienne looks shocked.
"I keep them for nervous fathers and unexpected social situations. Patrick doesn't know." Shelagh responds as she holds out a cigarette to the nun. Sister Julienne takes one between two fingers, holding it up in front of her.
"This was the last thing I did before I took my first vows." Sister Julienne responds as she looks at the cigarette wistfully.
"It was the first thing I did when I renounced mine." Shelagh retorts with a hint of laughter in her voice as she digs in her purse again for the lighter. Sister Julienne smiles at the comment, now able to look fondly on the time her former sister had left the order.
"I had to speak to Mother Jesu on the telephone. If she'd been angry it would have been so much easier. But she said 'Child, make room for God and he will fill it in ways you can never imagine.' I put the phone down and all I could think about was would he fill it with a pack of Henleys." Shelagh says, causing them both to giggle. Sister Julienne leans closer to Shelagh with the cigarette in her mouth, Shelagh flicks the lighter, both struggling against the wind. Before they get the chance to light the cigarette the bells toll. Sister Julienne sighs and puts the cigarette back in the package. Shelagh calls for May and they stand to clean up their spot on the beach and head back to the chapel to hear the results. Shelagh returns with May to the Motherhouse as Sister Julienne follows the line of nuns walking steadily towards the chapel.
After leaving May with the postulants, Shelagh returns to the chapel and sits outside waiting for the news. She folds her hands and closes her eyes in prayer as she listens to the hymn being sung by the nuns inside. When the hymn ends and the noise from inside disappears she looks up at the door. She isn't sure if she will feel it if they choose Sister Julienne. They were once so connected she could tell what the older woman was thinking or feeling at just a glance. Unfortunately she didn't think that connectedness extended to telepathy, either then or now. She couldn't imagine her life without Sister Julienne, as amazing as it would be for her to run the order. While Shelagh only wants to pray that her former sister will remain in the run-down part of London they call home she also knows how selfish that thought is. Instead she prays that God will listen to what Sister Julienne needs, whether that is what she wants or not.
When she hears the nuns start to shuffle out of the chapel she quickly moves out of the entryway and stands off by a cement bench a little further away. As all the nuns file past she smiles and nods. Sister Winifred's bright smile as she walks by causes a twist of fear in her stomach. Does that smile mean that Sister Julienne is now Mother Julienne? Is Sister Winifred now in charge of Nonnatus House? Shelagh took a deep breath trying to calm herself from the thoughts swirling through her mind.
As the line of nuns slows down to a trickle of the mostly elderly ones she continues to watch for the one she needs to see. Following at the rear of the line is Sister Julienne who radiates peace and calm as she walks the short path. She stops when she approaches Shelagh, a slight smile curves at the corner of her lips. Communicating without words that she would not be leaving Poplar. The two women are lost in the moment of excitement where they both feel like they can finally breathe again when another nun stumbles upon them. They turn to face the new Mother of the Order of Saint Raymond Nonnatus.
"Ah Mrs. Turner. Can I have a word with you? About little May?" Mother Mildred says firmly. Sister Julienne does not leave her side as the shorter nun explains her thoughts on May now that her adoptive family cannot take her for another year.
"I know you are planning an excellent event for the children here. When everyone arrives please have a word with your husband about what we have discussed." Mother Mildred concludes with a decisive nod before walking away, back towards the Motherhouse.
Shelagh wipes the nonexistent dirt off the front of her yellow coat, shaking her head slightly at the new Mother telling her, a former religious sister, that she should take another child into her family.
"Shall we head back down to the shore for a moment?" Shelagh asks, her own lips curving up into a slight smile at Sister Julienne. The nun nods. Shelagh loops her arm through the nuns and they walk side by side down to the rocky shore they had fretted on earlier.
While Shelagh had dropped May off at the Motherhouse she had held on to the basket of beach supplies so she quickly lays the blanket over the rocks. Both ladies sit watching the shore in silence as they ponder what could have happened today.
"I'm glad you are coming home. To Poplar." Shelagh finally admits aloud.
"Me too. Honestly this is the most relieved I have ever felt. Over myself at least." Sister Julienne replies before glancing up at the younger woman. The look of relief on Shelagh's face leads her to continue.
"Learning that you would be okay at the sanatorium was probably the most relieved I have ever been. I felt slightly responsible for you getting ill as it was most likely from your nursing. Later, even though you decided to leave the order, I was still relieved because at least you were alive and well." Sister Julienne says, glad she finally feels she can admit these things.
"I never knew that." Shelagh points out, the surprise obvious on her face. She fidgets with her hands, wanting to reach out to the woman who has always been so supportive of her, even when she felt she had broken her heart by leaving the order. The silence between them is comfortable, both of them enjoying the moment knowing that their lives will change but they will still be there to support each other.
"I know we didn't get to do it earlier but would you like a cigarette now? In celebration of your return to Poplar?" Shelagh finally asks, already digging in her purse for the pack of Henley's before Sister Julienne has a chance to answer.
"Yes." Sister Julienne replies, smiling once again at her former sister. Shelagh hands over a cigarette, ready with the lighter in her other hand. The petite woman leans in so they can block out the wind together as she fiddles with the lighter in her gloved hands. They both giggle when the lighter catches after a few clicks and the cigarette is lit. Sister Julienne brings it to her lips for a deep drag, smiling as she exhales and the wind pulls the smoke away from her. After a second puff she hands it to Shelagh who takes only a small puff before handing it back.
"Charlie gave me my first cigarette one day after a trip to the cinema. Everyone smoked at that time so I didn't think much of it but it became something else we did together. Obviously I gave them up when I joined the order." Sister Julienne explains to the younger woman before taking another long drag and then passing the cigarette back.
"My father smoked like a chimney. I snuck one occasionally from his desk when I was a teen. I don't think he ever caught on. I gave them up when I joined the order as well. But I picked them up again with Patrick, it felt easier when we gave them up together. Maybe because I had more distractions." Shelagh replies, blushing at the end of her comment as she remembers some of the distraction methods they had used to keep themselves occupied and definitely not thinking about smoking. She takes a quick puff and hands it back to the nun again.
The nun continues to smoke and watch the sea, smiling to herself at the friendship she has with this woman. She knows as a nun she is not supposed to have favorites and she really wasn't supposed to connect herself to others outside her order. But Shelagh had always been different, a small girl without a mother who needed someone to take her under their wing and now a woman with a family who still needed a mother's advice. This was the only kind of mother she ever wanted to be, not to her whole order, just to this one amazing woman and her family. She passes the stub that is left of the cigarette back to her friend who takes one last puff and then stubs it out on a nearby rock.
"Thank you. For being there for me, even after I left the order." Shelagh says, watching her friend gaze at the sea, her veil flapping behind her in the wind.
"You may have left the order but you did not leave Poplar, or our profession, or my heart." Sister Julienne admits, her typically serene look back on her face. Shelagh reaches over and grasps the nun's hand. She knows she shouldn't, that they should only touch for necessary reasons and not for sentimental ones, but after a statement like that she can't help herself. They both smile to themselves as they watch the shoreline, sitting in the December wind as it cleanses them of the smell of the secret cigarette they shared.