Chapter 28

September 24th 1999

Kaleidoscope

Having collapsed out of her fireplace and crumpled onto the floor before it, Hermione had only just had the mental capacity to block Fred's access to her flat before the kaleidoscope of emotion hit her hard. Confusion, guilt, shame, embarrassment, anger, fear, hopelessness, disgust, anxiety… She felt everything all at once and it broke her where she lay against her floorboards. They flowed through her like tsunamis or tornadoes, battering at every wall she had worked so hard to build up and causing cracks as the foundations of all the hard work of the last two months began to falter. She was entirely overwhelmed by the sudden onslaught of every feeling she had always tried so hard to block and it broke the dam that she had thus far managed to keep erected over the river of tears that had yet to fall. The dam burst in a most monumental fashion and her entire body was wracked with the kind of sobs that would leave anyone breathless and aching all over. She couldn't wrap her head around the reasons for her break down, not logically, but all of her logic had left her and she could only think of the pain that her brain was in as it tried to process every emotion she felt. She lay there, crying and aching, until the floo roared behind her and she froze at the thought of Fred having fought through her barricade only to find her collapsed on her floor, but was rendered more confused than anything else when she saw a feminine head of red hair duck down into her line of sight.

"Come on, let's get you up," Ginny said simply and Hermione remained in her stunned silence as the red-head looped her arms around her waist, dragging her to the sofa before easing her down onto it, "now where do you keep your tea?"

Hermione's mouth hung agape at the sudden appearance of her old friend. Ginny seemed entirely nonplussed by their sudden reunitedness and as she watched the girl walk over into the kitchen and begin opening her cupboards when she failed to answer, she was somewhat relieved to find that the attack of her emotions seemed to momentarily cease as they were countered by her shock. She watched in awe as Ginny finally found her bounty and flicked the kettle on, standing with her back to Hermione as she waited and prepared the teabags in the cups. Hermione was dumbfounded by the lack of questions, the lack of excitement or confusion on the girl's face. How had she found out where she lived? What was she doing here? Presumably, she had spoken to Fred, but judging by her relaxed appearance this wasn't the first time she had heard about what she and Fred had been doing for the last two months. She snapped her mouth shut, watching with wide confused eyes as Ginny finally poured boiling water into the two cups, adding milk and sugar to Hermione's in exactly the way she had always liked, before turning and carrying them back to the sofa. She handed Hermione the cup she had flavoured to her tastes and she took it from her on autopilot before Ginny perched on the edge of the sofa next to her and smiled before taking a sip.

"So, I won't ask how you've been," Ginny said, her voice sounding completely natural though she couldn't hide the concern in her eyes as they trailed across Hermione's face, "I can see you're not doing very well right now, though. Want to talk?"

"I…" Hermione croaked, shaking her head and frowning down at her teacup. The liquid rippled in her shaking hands and she found herself lost for words.

"Let me catch you up," Ginny said softly, lifting her leg and curling it underneath her other one as she got comfortable on the sofa Fred had transfigured for Hermione, "I know that you've been having dinner with Fred every Friday for the last two months. According to him, you've been doing a lot better lately, but tonight you had a… Moment."

"A moment?" Hermione whispered, briefly glancing up at Ginny and finding her to be smiling softly and warmly, which put her a tiny bit more at ease.

"It's what we used to call these little setbacks when Fred was still having them," Ginny informed her and Hermione nodded slightly before Ginny transferred her own cup onto the coffee table, gently setting one hand on Hermione's knee, "they never last, you know. These moments."

"They don't?" Hermione asked, looking at Ginny's hand and then shifting her gaze to the other girl's friendly face.

"Nope," Ginny grinned, popping the 'p', "and it's completely normal. Want to tell me what set you off?"

Hermione sighed, shaking her head. Even if she had the words to vocalise what had triggered her, she wasn't sure she was ready to speak them out loud and especially not to Ginny. She was surprised that she wasn't filled with panic at the sudden reintroduction to the youngest Weasley, but then she supposed she had already faced two of them and grown close with one of them so another one probably wasn't as terrifying as it would have been two months ago. Still, her mind was muddled by her emotions and the ease at which Ginny had accepted her confused her. Ginny gave a sigh of her own, squeezing Hermione's knee before removing her hand and retrieving her tea, only to put it back on the table once she had taken another sip. Hermione noticed that her hand quivered slightly too, but she was doing a damn good job at covering whatever nerves she may have been feeling. Better than Hermione herself was doing, that was for sure.

"How did you know about the dinners?" Hermione muttered nervously and frowned when Ginny snorted in amusement.

"Fred came to me and Neville the night he met you again in Blotts," she chuckled, grinning when Hermione's eyes flew open in shock, "he was a right mess, you should have seen him."

"He can't have been more of a mess than I was," Hermione snorted sadly, feeling her cheeks burn with embarrassment at the thought of herself two months before. She fell silent, feeling her curiosity well inside of her, "what did he… What did he say?"

"That you were thin, that you weren't yourself," Ginny replied and Hermione nodded, feeling the other girl's calm demeanour rubbing off on herself, "he was really worried about you. I mean we all were…"

"I'm sorry, Gin." Hermione said, frowning down at her teacup and trying to come up with the words to explain her absence, but Ginny saved her the trouble when she sighed and pulled her into a hug.

She was beginning to realise that the Weasley's had become huge fans of hugging over the last 18 months. She had always known that to be true of Molly, of course, having felt her motherly embrace countless times over the last 8 years, but her affinity for physical affection seemed to have rubbed off on her children, too. First George, who Hermione had never received a hug from prior to the one he gave her a few weeks before and now Ginny, who held her in a way that reminded her so much of Molly and also her own mother. She made a faint attempt to fight the embrace, but Ginny just snorted and held her head against her shoulder and Hermione allowed herself to relax against the other girl as she stroked her hair.

"You know," Ginny muttered after some time, still not letting go of Hermione, "you're allowed to move on, Hermione."

"Am I?" Hermione muttered, finally pulling back as Ginny released her and sighing as she stared down into her own lap.

"Obviously," Ginny snorted, shaking her head as she retrieved her cup of tea and held it between her hands, "do you really think Ron would want you to be miserable?"

"Probably not," Hermione sighed, taking a sip of her own tea and feeling a far too familiar, magical sense of calm wash over her before frowning at Ginny, "Did you put a calming draught in my tea?"

"Maybe," Ginny smirked and Hermione couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped her when the red head winked in a way that seemed to be written in the Weasley genetic code, "would you still drink it if I did?"

"Maybe," Hermione said back, giving a weak smirk of her own before taking another, bigger sip, "how did you get my floo address?"

"Fred," Ginny replied, rolling her eyes good naturedly when Hermione glared at her teacup, "don't worry, he didn't want to give me it, but I threatened to have both him and George coughing up slugs for a week if they didn't."

"Smooth, Gin." Hermione smiled weakly and the other girl nodded enthusiastically.

"I thought so," she chuckled before taking another sip of her tea and replacing her cup on her lap, "now, are you going to tell me what happened, or am I going to have to add veritaserum to your next cup?"

Hermione sighed, knowing that there was no getting away with keeping silent about what had led to them both being here now. Somewhat reluctantly, at least to begin with, she started to explain how she had felt when she had seen the photo, how her mind had taken a tumble down a wormhole that kickstarted her guilt and how she had panicked. Ginny listened patiently, nodding in all the right places and giving Hermione's knee a squeeze reassuringly when she began to struggle to find the words to explain her actions. She didn't go as far as to admit her feelings for one half of the Weasley twins, but she admitted that she felt guilty about meeting him so frequently and allowing herself to feel even moments of happiness after losing Ron. When she had finished explaining why she had run from Fred's flat, Ginny smiled gently and seemed to measure her words before she spoke.

"You're allowed to fall in love again, too," she said quietly and Hermione's eyes flew open in shock, "Ron wouldn't begrudge you that."

"How…" Hermione started, wondering how Ginny had been able to read between the lines of her explanation so easily, but then she did remember that the only Weasley daughter seemed to be very intuitive with things of that nature. She sighed, collapsing sideways into the impossibly soft sofa cushions, "with his brother, though?"

"Honestly?" Ginny smirked, raising her own eyebrow in question and Hermione nodded sadly in return, "I think he'd prefer that to someone like McClaggen, or worse, Krum."

"Oh god, why'd you have to bring them up?" Hermione groaned, covering her face at the memory of the two boys from her past and Ginny laughed lightly, collapsing back against the sofa next to Hermione and turning to her with a grin.

"Look, I'm just saying I'm sure he would rather it be Fred than some loser," she shrugged and Hermione let her hands drop to find Ginny smirking at her, "remember how worked up he got at the Yule ball?"

"He could have asked, but he didn't," Hermione muttered, shaking her head but smiling softly at the memory, "he really did have the emotional range of a teaspoon at times."

"He did," Ginny nodded in agreement, her smile softening as they discussed her brother, "but I think he'd understand this."

"You think?" Hermione asked with a frown and Ginny nodded before turning in her seat slightly to better face Hermione, frowning back at her.

"So why haven't you told Fred?" Ginny asked and Hermione sighed, shaking her head sadly.

"Even if I did, it's not as if he'd be interested," Hermione started and Ginny rolled her eyes with a heavy sigh, but didn't comment, "I'm a mess, Gin. Fred could have anyone, why would he want to be lumbered with me and all of my issues?"

"He's been looking after you for the last two months, Hermione," Ginny muttered, groaning when Hermione shook her head, "I don't think he would consider himself 'lumbered' with you."

"That's different, though," Hermione insisted and Ginny sighed, turning her eyes skyward as if asking for strength from a higher power, "I know he cares about me Gin, but only because I was such a mess when he found me in Blotts. He's probably only doing it because he thinks no one else can, or because he thinks Ron would have wanted him to, or-"

"Or maybe he's doing it because he genuinely wants to see you happy?" Ginny offered, one eyebrow raised as she turned back to Hermione. There was something behind her eyes, but Hermione couldn't place it and she certainly didn't have the mental capacity to decipher it.

"Or he feels obligated?" Hermione countered and Ginny groaned, rolling her eyes as she pushed herself forwards and tucking her hair behind her ear.

"I've never known Fred to do anything out of obligation, Hermione," Ginny said matter of factly, "it's damn near impossible to make that man do anything he doesn't want to do, trust me."

"Either way, I could never believe he would return my feelings for him," Hermione muttered, shaking her head and then remembering something that she had desperately wanted to talk to Ginny about since Fred had told her about it and pushed herself up to smirk at the girl, "now, tell me about you and Neville."

"Trying to change the subject?" Ginny laughed and Hermione shrugged, nodding.

"Fine, but promise me you'll at least think about what I said?" Ginny asked pointedly and Hermione nodded before Ginny relented and told her what had happened.

It was surprisingly simple, actually. She and Harry had drifted apart romantically while they both grieved for Ron, both coping in different ways. Where Harry had resorted to grieving alone, Ginny had opted to grieve with her family and besides, her focus had been on Fred at the time and making sure the family didn't end up losing him too. Hermione swallowed down her questions about just how bad Fred's mental state had been, choosing instead to listen quietly as Ginny explained how she had met Neville again, grown close to him and something had sparked between them. He had been patient with her, allowing her to set the pace and always supporting her when she needed it most, whereas Harry had shut himself off emotionally while he worked through his emotions. Ginny supposed that perhaps it was too painful for him to be with someone who reminded him so much of Ron and he had found his solace in someone who couldn't look less like him; Luna. Hermione asked how Harry was doing now and was glad to hear that he seemed to be doing a lot better, was enjoying his teaching post at Hogwarts and spent a lot of time with Neville between their classes, or in Hogsmeade at Luna's shop. When the clock struck 10, Ginny stood to leave and made Hermione promise that she would be in contact soon, even going as far as threatening to hunt her down if she didn't hear from her. After swearing she wouldn't disappear again, Hermione hugged Ginny and thanked her for coming before the Weasley girl stepped into the floo and spun away.

Hermione was exhausted, both mentally and physically. She had felt every emotion she could imagine in the last three hours and it left her absolutely drained. She had felt nothing at all for so long, cursed with numbness that at the time had felt never ending and now, in a strange way, she was glad that she could feel everything that had eluded her for so long. However bad it felt in the moment, no matter how desperately she might wish to escape the negative emotions, at least she could feel and that realisation caused an odd sense of peace to settle over her, though that could also have been a happy side effect of the calming draught. Despite the events of the evening, she was glad that it had reunited her with Ginny and that she had rediscovered her ability to feel. After deciding that she would visit Fred tomorrow, explain herself and hopefully help him to understand her thought process, she dragged herself tiredly into her bedroom and collapsed heavily on the edge of the bed. Picking up the vial of potion that never left her bedside, she uncorked it and lifted it to her mouth, allowing two drops to fall onto her tongue before re-corking it and falling back onto her bed.